You know how when you say something and you’re just like, “Ug.” I do that sometimes when I’m writing here, especially when I’ve said something to fill in space. I have this thing where I have to have an odd number of paragraphs, except when I get to seven, then it has to be even. So I had six paragraphs and was done except I needed seven.
What I really wanted to say was, “I’m still feeling sad about cross country being over.” And to be honest, I care about school, but not that much. It’s a pain in the butt trying to get in these hours and I don’t mind the presentations, but it’s also all just a reminder of the other school which was easier when it came to supervision requirements.
When Elianna and I were at Hannibal, there were all these cheery people greeting us at the doors. One man said he was happy it rained and I said, “Ooo, are you a farmer!?!” And almost instantly after I said, “Wait, it’s harvest, farmers don’t want the rain now.” She thought that was so funny and I did too. I just shrugged and kept walking again.
This was one of my weekends to work. Last time I didn’t have to because I found a replacement for when we went out to Iowa. For my next weekend Dad bought us tickets to an Andrew Peterson concert at Hannibal La-Grange college for my birthday. I found a replacement for that night but it wasn’t yet showing on the printed schedule when I looked. People like working on this wing because it’s easier.
The first night was about as perfect as it could be. It’s such a relief when that happens and you don’t feel the pressure of the clock with all the red dots telling you you’re behind. This time there was a lady on the floor within ten minutes of me getting there. She’d probably been there for at least 20. Thankfully she was okay and appeared to have slid out of her recliner while trying to get up. She’s a newer lady.
I seem to have found a noted weakness in my patience. For the most part the residents do not get on my nerves and I have no struggles to be kind to them. The ones where I feel resistance are with the ones who are confused and pose fall risks. They get agitated and try to get out of bed or stand up from their wheelchairs when they really are no condition to do so. You have to watch them and there isn’t always time.
Sometimes I get the feeling like I need to be helping more. When things are going fairly smooth in the evening I do have time where I could help with getting people down in their beds. The reason I have not so far is because pretty much every person on the wing requires the use of a machine to transfer them. On the summer wing I would try to help with the ones who were only stand-by assist and didn’t need that.
Even when I was an aide we didn’t use those machines because assisted living doesn’t use them and I never worked in a nursing home. In the hospital I’m sure they were there but I don’t remember ever using one. It’s one of those things where I refuse to just wing it and try to figure it out because someone could get seriously hurt if not done right. But you also have to have done it enough times to be comfortable.
Dad and the kids had trunk or treat at church. Our former DCE wanted to try and revive the fall festival when there used to be tons of kids and cars in the parking lot. It sounds like they had a good turnout with 17 cars decorated and a steady stream of preschool families showing up to participate. I’m glad it went well. They had a potluck and a bounce house so that was nice to not have to worry about supper.
With cross country being over I still have things to keep me busy. For class we need to present a total of six videos. I’ve done two so far and have my major presentation in a little over three weeks. I’d really like to spend time and do well on it. The other presentation is given to a faculty panel. Lincoln didn’t have all this though it depended on the teacher. I love(d) how it’s just normal to process things as you go.
The kids had their regional meet in Olympia. There entire thing was very much anticlimactic. None of the seniors were expected to make sectionals but one of the sophomores qualified in the individual category. That part was fun. It’s not that it wasn’t fun it’s just that you come to the end of something and feel like it should be a bigger deal than it was, but I wasn’t really having many feelings over anything anyway.
Maybe they will come later. I did end up having to go to the car between races and take my anxiety medication and get a break from the elements, mostly the wind. It wasn’t terrible but all of that together with the nerves and excitement for the runners takes a toll on my body. Ethan was also running his last race of the season and when I checked on the status of the race I was kind of disappointed that he wasn’t doing better.
Because that’s what he would’ve wanted. But anyway, a girl passed Elianna up at the very end and I saw her coming but I was too far away to scream at her, “GO Elianna, do NOT SLOW DOWN!” It wasn’t just a girl it was a teammate who’d been trying to beat her all season. I felt like that was a sh—-ty thing do to a senior. Those moments really aren’t as great as you imagine them to be, but the other ones very much so.
Elianna and I visited Hannibal La-Grange University today. It’s a nice little drive across the Illinois and Mississippi rivers where everybody says that the gas is way cheaper. We left around 6:30 and were back around 5. The kids had their last cross country practice before their regional meet tomorrow. They were meeting at Dairy Queen for blizzards.
The president gave a speech and said where you go to college is number three on the list of most important decisions you’ll make in your life. I can see it being in maybe the top ten, but definitely not the top three. Elianna said he was trying to make a speech and having your college choice be number three makes the speech sound better.
The number one choice is the decision to follow Christ and the second one obviously is the choice of who you will spend your life with. I agreed with those ones, but then I was trying to think of what could be listed as top ten most influential decisions of your life? I couldn’t think of ten but one I thought of was the choice to heal from the past.
Like at some point in life you’re going to have to forgive past grievances, let go of hurts and the disappointments and ways you didn’t have the advantage, and choose to not let those things make you bitter. My aunt used to say that happiness is a choice. If that’s the case, then I would say that on the list would also be the choice to be happy.
What you spend your life doing, as in career/vocation, he listed as number four. He didn’t go beyond that. Josh came up with one about how you care for your body, which got me thinking about the habits we establish. I dropped the kids off at the house and drove down to main camp where the fall leaves are looking very beautiful right now.
My mind keeps wanting to write about school and I keep trying to steer it away to go a different direction. Instead of adding to yesterday’s writing I’m just going to start a new one here. And when I’m doing school I want to write, and when we’re making lunch, or when I’m walking outside in the morning, afternoon, or evening or not even walking.
All the time, all the time, all the time. That’s a little extreme but I at least lately have the desire to write here or somewhere more than once a day. It’s paralyzing at times, and even stupid because it’s not like I am saying anything of much importance. It’s just my thoughts or a brief record of the day’s happenings, and every once in a while I wish I could make it come out to sound a little more intelligent, put together, and strong.
But that all takes time. And I would not give this up, because if I had to choose I would choose the creative freedom to say whatever over the bonds of obligation. But the deprivation is itself its own bond. I can remember intermittent fasting one time for two months and food was all I could think about. That kind of lifestyle did not work for me.
“Boys?”, I just said to them as they were playing outside, “Does it make you sad that I’m not spending very much time with you during school?” October I always started to drift but today was going to be better and we were going to have a normal school day, with me on the couch reading lessons. There was some of that but then it was over again.
“What do you want us to say?”, one of them asked from the yard while I was up on the deck. “The truth”, I replied. “No”, he said, and then I looked at the other and he said, “I mean, no.” The fact of the matter is that we have already spent that time together. They have already learned, how to read, how to work quietly. All my dreams cannot come true. It’s so hard for me to let go of these eras and then recognize and lean into the new ones.
“I mean, to be fair, you’re a parent. You can’t do everything.” I appreciate the times when they bring clarity of mind. I’m not saying that Im giving up on school or that I’m not going to keep trying to be involved in their daily school work. I’m saying I am already homeschooling and I’m already involved in it. I’m saying it’s very hard but still okay to let go.
Casper likes to sleep under the tree now. It makes me happy when I see him curled up on the blue and white blanket. He’s been out and about so much with the outdoor ed groups these past two months that I think he’s just tired. He also likes to visit with whoever is camping in the popular chapel corner. They always ask us if we have a white cat and the tell about whatever it is he’s been doing there.
We had a track meet yesterday at the land where they’re supposed to eventually build the new high school. It really does seem like such a faraway dream that the land at some point will have a building and sports fields. They are still in whatever stage it is where they haven’t even started fundraising but have hired a fundraiser. The other day the kids and I were talking about some of the classes there.
Miles’ mom tried to tell me this one time about the English program and how non-Christian education-like it was. At the time I didn’t have the mental wherewithal to think it was really worth trying to change. But the more I’ve heard about things here and there I do think it would be in the school’s best interest to have some major curriculum changes in that department for sure. I will have to finish this later….
Elianna had senior night tonight for cross country. It was kind of a conundrum because Ethan had to get back to school sometime and usually between the two of us there is one who can miss this or that thing going on or has more of an opening of negotiable schedule space. But neither one of us wanted to miss senior night and I really didn’t want to miss any more internship time at the moment.
Plus we had the auction going on last night. So Josh said Ethan would just take one of the cars and drive himself. I wouldn’t have thought of that idea but over time it grew on me. I didn’t say anything and really had nothing to do with it. At some point they’ve got to be able to do these things. I asked him to text me during his stops just to let me know where he was. We bought him one of those dashboard phone holders.
He texted right before eight to say that he’d made it and went the whole way without stops. I’d kind of figured when it came to be around six o’clock and I hadn’t heard from him. I was glad he was there and thankful to God for safe travels. We really had a great fall break time together and it was a good combination of home activities and outside busyness. Senior night went well and was another sweet time.
It’s that time of year where you have to be careful where you walk. If there’s a camper along the main camp walkway, especially if it’s the the only one with people staying in it, then you really shouldn’t walk that way unless you’re prepared to stop and talk. I tried to have a phone call going but my sister didn’t pick up. I don’t mean that to sound bad but when you’re trying to get some steps in there are only certain windows sometimes.
The kids had an auction and bingo game night to raise money for the national youth gathering trip next summer. Two of our kids are interested in going and have been attending the meetings. It wasn’t too bad. It gave me a chance to have more awareness on what exactly is going on. I’ve never gotten into the youth gathering things. The one year I could’ve gone there was no way I was giving up a whole week of camp for that.
I ended up bidding on a hardcover Lutheran Study Bible and won. Each of the kids had contributed a handwritten devotion and each one was placed in the Bible wherever the passage was that they based their devotion on. It was the last item of the night and I bid on it for two reasons, 1) So I could read the devotions my kids had written, and 2) Because I wanted the kids there to see that what they had done and given was valuable.
The district pastor’s wives retreat was this weekend at camp. I didn’t go, but when Josh went over for evening service on Friday, he texted to let me know that three of my pastor’s wife friends were attending. Laura’s mom had asked me earlier if I was going, but I told her I probably wasn’t since that was the weekend of fall break. This retreat has never filled my cup for whatever reason. Even living next door, it feels like the time of not even a 24-hour day is too much to give up when everyone is home here.
She didn’t go either but I don’t remember now why. I wrote earlier (and then deleted) about how we ended up babysitting for one of our camp friends and their 3-year old son. Things came up, and his dad needed to drop him off a littler earlier to get some work done. His mom asked if we could watch him and I was delighted to say yes. They’re people we would go out of our way to help, though we didn’t even need to since we lived right here and the afternoon with him over was a joy for all involved.
When his mother came to pick him up, she listed some of the other women in attendance. I know them only in name from hearing her talk. They are other young moms in the district, surprisingly close by for having never met them. Their husbands are newly ordained and they have a fairly active PALS group which they will next year age out of (PALS goes for three years). Five of the women this year had lap babies. In all this I felt a sense of longing to be part of their lives. I felt like I should know them.
She told me of a blog called All The Household. It’s run by two Lutheran women providing resources for other women who want to incorporate more liturgical living such as celebrating saint days and personal family things like baptismal birthdays. I remember wanting to be this kind of mom, sort of. Two of my internet friends were like this and I knew of more who would’ve found this revolving around the liturgical calendar appealing. But it didn’t feel quite authentic enough for me to do myself.
I’m not that Lutheran. But for whatever reason since becoming one, at least since becoming a married adult one, I do feel this call and pull toward the Lutheran sisterhood. After growing up as a mom and going through things with these people, I want to do more to help them, encourage them, etc, and not just turn my back and forget these people ever existed. If it’s real or just lingering sentimentality I don’t know. I told myself I’d never forget what that stage was like, and though I’ve tried I can’t forget.
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