By Friday this feels like an atypical week. Monday was a holiday so we didn’t have school. Tuesday I worked so I wasn’t here for school. Wednesday I was cleaning and Thursday we were cleaning too. This morning I had to be at the Thrive center from 9-12 but it only ended up being until 11. There were three cancellations and two no-shows for the recovery group. My schedule has felt fairly sporadic this month.

Since I am getting so many group hours at Contact, I’m not really worried about group hours here. I actually prayed about going today because I feel like there’s potential for things to be awkward. Sometimes like today there really isn’t a group or another time I was late or the groups were small. I do not want to be a disappointment for this person. Today I met the other intern who started there back in January.

He’s going to start working there once he graduates in May. It was nice to hear from another student and talk school things. According to him the class I need to take next semester is a breeze. I’m learning people complete this program in all kind of ways. He started in 2019, took a break to get another master’s degree in exercise science or something like that, and now is going back to school to finish this degree.

For a moment I was deeply regretting signing up here. “Oh it’s just one morning a week”, is fine when there are no other mornings I’m doing other outside things. Ethan is here this weekend and there was a part of me that wanted to show him how awesome I’m doing with homeschool, where it wasn’t me gone while they fended for themselves and did their hour of school (It’s always shorter when I’m gone).

I still get that feeling like I want to make something up to him, like I can somehow make up for the time we lost when he was home. Wherever the ball is that I dropped I want to pick it up and play with him and never be too occupied or distracted again. I’ve given up on talking, that doesn’t seem to be the way. Anymore I’m just content to be in the same room. On our walk Josh and I stopped and joined their ball game until dark.

So back to the internship place–I still like it. Since there was no group the supervisor showed me the computer system. He said he didn’t expect me to remember it all right then he was just going to show me. I also learned several practical things about starting to build a client base. This is the part that makes me nervous but also that I am anxious to start on. I want to see how it goes, if I like the job, if I can do this.

But I came away encouraged and sort of excited about the prospects. I was considering for a while this afternoon what I want my niche to be. I am having trouble collecting thoughts in this particular moment. The living room is loud with brothers hitting each other with pillows and Dad and Elianna and done watching their Batman movie. We had a nice supper tonight and enjoyed some good table conversations about things.

The boys and I had a beyond wonderful day. I thought we’d do school but there really wasn’t time. When they were up we left for the grocery store and other places. The first stop was Walmart to find the lights for the tree. We took our deep breaths and steeled ourselves and went in. The lights were not hard to find but the harvest throw for a tree skirt was. There was a Halloween one with spider webs but I didn’t want that one.

There was one with a sun and moon but I didn’t want that one. They were all for the most part picked over and gone. One of them suggested we could look at Aldi and I thought that was a fantastic idea. We checked out and drove across the street to Aldi. We didn’t have a quarter in the van. One of the boys said someone will have one. I didn’t want to be that person who knows by now that you should’ve had a quarter.

“Ma’am?”, she shouted from across the way, “Do you need a cart?” I’d only been digging around in my purse for five seconds. Yes I needed a cart. She didn’t care about the money she said, and sent it my way. “Thank you Jesus”, I said aloud as we walked into the store. We filled the cart about halfway. We found a throw that wasn’t harvest but was blue and white like the school colors, perfect for a track meet blanket in the spring.

We stopped by the library on the way home. I think I found the book I’ve been getting the texts about and my son took it in and switched it out for a new one. In the blur of the morning and my own daily thinking, one of them had said something about stopping by the U-Pick pumpkin patch for school. There’s a sign on the side of the road with an arrow. They’d asked me enough times until it was added to the day’s agenda.

It was the last thing we did before coming home to clean and put away food. How much they’ve grown up, yet in ways barely seeable as you walk day by day. We decorated the tree and put the blue and white blanket and our three picked pumpkins underneath it. Everyone liked the surprise. We had Grandma over and another friend from the camp. Yet at the end of the day, the best moments for me were in the journey of getting there.

My cleaning spree is still going. I had a moment of overwhelm with the clutter at hand and took my pictures and sent them to two of my sisters. “It’s like, after everything I’ve done to try and implement systems, be disciplined and inspired, make my home a sanctuary, etc” plus all the cry and defeated emojis. John Piper has this thing against self-pity where he brings this up more than any other sin as having some sort of gross and disgusting quality about it.

I can tell when women read him because they identify this same characteristic in themselves and make a deal out of it, almost like they’re trying to find something wrong. It’s the whole I’m going to try to be humble by continuously trying to find and confess something wrong with me thing. I’ve never thought about this, but is self-pity even in the Bible? Where is that in Paul’s lists?

Dad left for Nebraska to pick up Ethan from school. He has a teammate who lives in St. Louis but we haven’t quite gotten him brave enough to ask for a ride. Laura is scheduled to transfer next year and she at least will have a car. Earlier this week Josh went to the store and bought a cot that he can use on these trips to sleep in the dorm room. We tested it out in the mudroom and it’s actually not bad. It’s definitely more comfortable than sleeping on the floor.

The boys and I still have work to do. In the laundry room I finally noticed the Christmas tree tipped over and completely smashed and disheveled on the floor. I almost threw it out but then asked one of the boys if he could take it into the school room see if it still worked and if he could do something with it. I was thinking we could get a jump start and have it set up when Dad and Ethan got home.

He said he thought it was too early so we compromised. We’ll find orange lights to put on it and make a glowing fall tree with a harvest colored skirt instead of a Christmas one. But it’s a secret and we couldn’t tell them. The big kids will get home from practice and be surprised too. Some kind of crock pot meal will be ready for supper. How lovely it is that even after so long one can still be blessed with new thoughts and ideas and whatever cup we have fills up again.

Dad texted to let me know they were in the parking lot. The plan was to pick me up at work and then head over. While out in Nebraska I picked up a day shift on Spring. Because I have to say no so much, I try to say yes on the rare occasion these days when I actually can. But it was under the condition that I’d be able to leave a tad bit early at 2:45. She said that’d be fine and came down at 2:30 to get report and finish things.

I’ve been a little shocked by these grown-up skills I’ve been learning. Knowing when to say no, having boundaries, being able to negotiate with another person regarding your needs. It feels like a totally different way of life. Any time it “works” I am always like, “huh??” But there is the other aspect too where it’s not all about you and whatever needs that you have. The point of working with others is that both might benefit.

The kids had a meet in Bement. There was something charming about the podunk town that almost seemed too far of a trip to keep on the meet schedule. Their skies opened with a magic rain beforehand that got you wet but didn’t soak you. Their bathrooms were the kind where they gave you a key to a rusty old door in the back. I didn’t know they still had those, just like I didn’t know the surprise joy of these days.

The kids had the day off school for Columbus Day. Elianna is on her way home from Nebraska and the boys spent the day working out in the woods. One of the former directors had made wooden platform for his kids. At some point since then it was destroyed by a tree. They disassembled everything and made a pile of wood in the yard. I’d periodically go out to check and see how things were going.

I spent the day inside. The weather has turned to the chilly kind that sparks holiday inspiration. My special Christmas cleaning mood music was on while I spent much of the day sweeping and putting out fall decorations in the front of the house, cleaning the bathroom and Elianna’s room, and jumping back in to the laundry cycles. Elianna cleans her own room but I swept and vacuumed and changed the sheets.

Dad told the boys they had to come in at 3. “I wish I could get them to channel that energy toward the things I would actually like for them to do”, he said around lunchtime. I said, “Oh I know.” He said I should make the boys fold the remaining baskets downstairs. I’m torn. I like folding it myself and having the neater end product, but it does take time. I left a basket half-folded for whoever gets to it first.

Dad and I went for a walk to find Casper. He disappears when we’re gone and doesn’t know when we’re back. He worries me sometimes the way he goes out in the woods and lately he’s been farther and farther past the lake. The one fall when one of our cats disappeared we’d started seeing her across the lake. We looked for her for two months but she never came back and we never found her remains.

We didn’t find him. We got back around 2PM and the food bowls were empty. On the way past County Market we stopped for a giant bag of cat food. Two to three days isn’t long to leave cats. Thankfully there were a few people around who could get in through the office and let them in and out while we were gone.

After the meet we drove to Forest City where my brother and sister-in-law live. We’d never been to their house and figured while we were out there we should take advantage of the chance to go see them. It was a fun time and there was plenty of room for all of us. I always feel bad making people wash sheets either before or after we come or maybe even both. You just hate to be extra work for people.

But I think it’d be even weirder to be like, “Hey, I’m just going to bring my sheets and put them over your bed so you don’t need to clean up from me.” When we were helping after the knee surgery, the daughter-in-law and I did just that. They had this guest room with an Alexa hooked up that functioned as an intercom system throughout the house. That’s how she would get a hold of us and let us know from the other room.

That wasn’t weird though because we just decided that’s what we were going to do. After all was said and done I don’t think a soul thought twice or cared. There is the work of hosting others but there is also the joy in it. I felt again inspired to come home and clean and make my house a sanctuary. There’s a reason hospitality was emphasized so much in the Bible. But what that reason is I do not think I’d exactly know.

I know it’s a way we care for others and a way God cares for the world. Sometimes we’re the hosts and sometimes we are the travelers. The hotel where we stayed on Friday was nice and a nice one always feels like a blessing. We had a “suite” with pullout couch and two queens, with a kitchenette and extra floor space. No need for pack-n-plays or crunched quarters, I thought of the days when they again were all young.

While out walking the course I overheard a couple not talking. She was on the phone with someone on their way to the meet, giving them directions on where to turn and what it looked like. After hanging up she said out loud something like, “To think that someone would call and ask me something about directions, it’s so crazy. I am definitely not that girl.” I kept waiting for the response but it never came.

I looked behind me. He was looking straight ahead, expressionless. Had he not heard what she said? They looked to be in their early seventies, still mobile and able to walk. The silence went on and I turned back around. How many times had she said things with no one there hearing? I’m not saying it was the kindest thought but it’s the one that I had: “What makes a person turn so dull?” I meant the man.

Oh geez. It’s not easy. These relationship issues that we encounter on occasion. How quickly things can turn from, “We’re good, I’m happy”, to “How is it you’re still not understanding my needs?” I recently read the concept of needs being challenged. If I remembered where I would say. It isn’t so much that needs aren’t real but that we put too much emphasis on them, and I almost said I’m not that girl either.

We’re out in Iowa for the weekend. A meet was planned in Sioux Center which is in the top northwestern corner of the state. We had originally planned to come for the one in two weeks until we realized Elianna’s regional meet was the same day. The college meets come to a total of five, not including the team 5k they run at the start of the season, or the conference meet where only the top 8 runners of the season participate.

I’d come to every single one if I could, and am still bummed about missing the Augustana Invitational in Sioux Falls. It’s worth it to me to be here for them especially knowing how fast it all goes. Even now we’re already at midterm, and before you know (Lord-willing) two years of college will be behind us. Elianna is on a college visit to Concordia Seward with one of her friends. She doesn’t want to go there but went for the trip.

A policeman pulled me over not long after I’d started to drive and gave me a speeding ticket with a fine for $175. I took it stoically and didn’t say much about it at the time or later and neither really did anyone else. My aunt and parents said goodbye to my grandma and began their travels home from New York. We’ve been keeping each other informed with a group text sending flight info and driving times and pictures of the trees.

I had a dream that my father-in-law died in my arms. We were walking in a parking lot and I started walking a different direction. He started to stagger like his legs were giving out. He was a wearing a blue shirt and black suit pants, and I wondered why in the world he was wearing those clothes in these warmer temps. He collapsed but thankfully fell softly not hard. I ran to him and placed my arm underneath his head to block the asphalt.

He started turning a yellow color, saying “I don’t know what’s going on here.” And then he lifted up his head, and looked at my mother-in-law standing at his feet and said, “Pray for me”. She said “I will”, not knowing what else to say or do. I couldn’t tell if he meant inside or if he wanted to actually hear it, so I put my hand on his chest and spoke. He was dying, obviously, thinner in the face than he ever was to see in person, and then he fell asleep and I woke up.

His death is not like ones whose dates are seared in your memory. Because it was gradual, because the surrounding days were full of losing track of the time, it’s more like “What day was that again??”, or was like that at first. I sometimes think of him there (in heaven), but more often than not I think of him here. The days we had of us all together or what it’d be like to have him still. Angels do know more now what it is he thinks about.

You never know what people are going to say when they start talking. It’d been a week since I had been at the homeless shelter and I sincerely missed it. I’m glad they have put me in the temporary housing section because the people there don’t change as much. I actually love showing up and seeing the kids in the dining room. I’d like to have more time for the moms so I didn’t do the younger groups. Mondays I can do that.

The supervisor at Thrive had asked me, “Who is your ideal client?” I still don’t like the word client but I also didn’t know the answer. He further explained. There are the ones who energize you and the ones who deplete you. The little kids aren’t my ideal for groups, but I do still like to be with them. Over the supper hour it’s usually chaotic and crazy as to be expected. I like to walk from table to table and talk to them as they eat.

Particularly with the kids, this doesn’t really get or even need to be about addressing everybody’s anger issues or going into their personal trauma. Sometimes little bursts of happiness are just as important for human growth and wellbeing. That’s how I see these groups, as a way for little bursts of happiness to be part of their life for a time. The abuses and the rapes and the stealing, all of that needs greater care than I can give.