The meet went well this morning. The girls ran better than the last race we had here. It wasn’t as hot, or hot at all. The sun came out after a cloudy start and a rainy night. Dad took Elianna ahead of time and I came later with the boys before her race. A van pulled out of his parking spot behind a bus and we thanked the Lord for a parking spot. There probably five times as many cars and busses.

We found our school people. Grandma was there set up in her chair. I brought chairs this time too since we’d be there longer. We usually stay for the varsity boys but there was the freshman/sophomore race and then the JV race. I rested between the varsity and JV but for the other races I was fairly active finding my spots. Dad and the boys were on one side of the park and I on the other.

By the last race I cut out a spot and waited. Ethan was getting updates via texts and pictures. For his first official race he did great. The kids have their homecoming dance tonight. I won’t be there for pictures or for helping get ready. Miles isn’t coming because it’s parents weekend and they have a game. Dad preaches at Trinity tonight and tomorrow but can be a ride there. It was a fun day at the park.

I used up my one grace day with my teacher last night. I feel like with each class everyone get one screw up or favor to ask or something the teacher will let slide this once. Our videos are supposed to be uploaded into “Box” because it’s the program that is HIPPA compliant and works with all of the privacy laws. We’re not just supposed to be storing videos in our devices or anywhere where privacy could somehow be compromised.

I was just thankful to have a way to show it, which ended up being through Google photos after logging into my email. Before the next one I need to 1) buy some kind of cheap little video camera where I can easily download video onto my computer, 2) figure out my box password so I can login during class on a different computer, and 3) figure out my saved student ID password so I can first login to even sign into Box.

That will have to be next week. It’s my weekend to work and the kids have a meet tomorrow. They also had a dance so Dad and I divided up the trips for the needed shopping. I took Elianna to Target for things and he and the boys headed to Kohls for some clothes. He’s in one of those growing stages so none of his clothes fit. There were socks bought, underwear, a belt, pants, and a shirt along with some dress shoes.

The feedback was similar to other feedback I’ve had, that I need to drop down out of my head. Many of my questions were very logistical, which happens when I’m wanting to still gather information. I think I actually prefer that more, like an assessment or intake. There is certain amount of this counseling thing that feels unnatural and forced, and I know a lot of it is because we’re being watched and there are requirements.

While living in Hoyleton we joined something called Samaritan Ministries. At that time the congregation covered all of the pastor’s health insurance plus half of the family. The rest came out of our paycheck which amounted to $400 a month. That was a very large sum. After a while of adding up all the money that health insurance was costing us we started looking into other options, particularly the “health sharing” organizations.

We actually saw it as an add in World magazine. We eventually asked the church if they could take us off the Concordia Health Plan and put that money toward paying our monthly “share” for Samaritan. Instead of paying over $14,000 a year for health insurance for us they then only had to pay $500 something a month, less than what they were paying for the pastor. Over time it’s slowly crept up to somewhere in the mid-600’s now.

A downside for us has been out-of-pocket costs for doctor’s visits. A regular visit with the doctor at cost is anywhere between $400-600. Our doctor has worked with us and we have an agreement now where he will code the visit so that all we pay is $120 which is much more affordable. You have to negotiate prices and annoyingly explain things at various times. You can find more affordable lab prices online at places like UltraLab.

You pay the money and go into a lab place and it’s only about 20% of the cost of paying straight out of pocket through someplace like Springfield Clinic. The 20% might be a lower end estimate but it’s definitely much cheaper. Every month camp sends a check to the person who you are assigned to send money to that month. When you are the one who has a “need”, you receive checks in the mail and use those to pay your bills.

Camp also pays $250 a month toward an HSA account that can be used for things such as doctor and dentist visits. It is not a perfect system by any means but it has worked for our family for around the past 14 or so years. A benefit has been being able to save both them and us very large amounts of money. There are more out-of-pocket costs that do add up and I wish it wasn’t so expensive for health care, but it’s there at least.

The boys and I went for a walk after school. On the way away from the house one of them asked if I was in a bad mood. I said, no, I was just wanting to get going on our walk. I’d kind of announced it that we were going, or maybe I asked them, I don’t remember. But one went into the garage for something, then another into the office once the one had come back, and then Lauren came out and talked for a while.

We found Casper by the first aid cabin. I call him Dipstick sometimes now. It’s kind of a cute name for him because he’s so cute. He followed us down the hill and waited in the shade for us to turn around. Sometimes the boys think they need to slow down and wait for him, but he will run and catch up once we’re walking away. We walked up to main camp and then down to the beach and back up the path to the house again.

Dad was home eating lunch. Oh hi, I said, startled, having forgotten he said he’d be home around one. He mows a lot in the fall until the weather turns cooler. I almost felt mad about it thinking someone else could be doing that, but he wouldn’t be doing it if he didn’t love, or even need it somehow. I would’ve made something for him but he had already made it, a replication of the grilled ham and cheese I’d made yesterday.

There was a slight alteration. An elder at church had told everybody to use mayonnaise on the outside instead of butter. I’m sure eating it is fine but it grosses me out to think of so I didn’t make it that way. I told the boys they need to be eating apples with their lunches. It’s more fiber for their systems and everyone just needs to be eating more fruits and vegetables anyway. I have no idea what I ate or if I did. I can’t remember.

If school could be longer, I’d let it. It’s never worked to have too much to do in the afternoon. Sometimes in the middle of the afternoons I will miss them. And I will go down to where they are and say, “Boys…”, my quiet thoughts trailing off. They are watching something or playing with something, but always attentive to my presence. Today they went with Dad to clean the range space and then to Grandma’s to work.

Elianna had a meet in Pittsfield. We left home about 2:25 and met my mother-in-law at Barnes and Noble where she left her car and joined up with us. It’s a longer trip, and on those we usually ride together. The ride isn’t bad. It’s basically like driving to Hannibal except not as far. There are many rivers on the way to Nebraska. I think we counted about 8-10. None of them would take very long to swim across.

The longest would be the Mississippi at around 5-10 minutes, at least in the place we cross over on the bridge. Miles was asking if I’m just going to do this with strictly U.S. rivers or if I’d also do international ones. I hadn’t even thought about it, but the U.S. ones would be sufficient for me. He said I should at least plan to include the Euphrates and the Jordan. I don’t know anything about the land or rules over there.

After arriving we met up with the kids. Our high school son rode the bus because he decided he wanted to join the team after all. The coach said he’s on the roster to run in the second Lincoln park meet on Saturday. That’s the hardest course they run so an interesting one to start out with. They have a JV race so he’s entered with Logan which I was glad for that option. The old coach quit so it’s one of the teachers.

Elianna wanted to medal because she’s medaled every race here. Top ten get medals and on the second loop three of the LuHigh girls were 8,9, and 10. By mid point they always look like they’re struggling. Beforehand I told Elianna I’ll love her no matter what place she gets and she said that makes it sound like I don’t believe in her or think she can do it. We have to be honest to our truest selves and so I said what I said.

The group of girls finished 8th, 10th, and 12th, and she had her medal. I was happy she did. I was there to see the finish but Dad is the one who meets them all at the finish line. I need to give them space and time before I am able to get closer because it hurts me too much to see them that spent. Running is a very emotional sport. It’s the only sport where I will cry or get choked up for whatever odd reason.

Before the boys race I saw a friend. We’re not as close as we used to be but here and there we still can connect with the basics. I asked if the divorce was official now, as it’s been a very long process of over two years with this or that delay for this or that reason, mostly because she did not go down willingly. We stood there, still, and I said it’s still a shock. We wiped away tears. Never will this ever seem like something that

The hardest part for me is feeling like this was overcomeable. I say this as someone who’s been through marriage counseling at least three different times. Some more time, the right help, I do believe they could have done it. That’s the part he and I do not understand. There has to be some missing piece, some information we do not know, it doesn’t make sense to us the way it is, the way this had to end at all.

I’m glad I didn’t start this internship without learning a few things first about expectations and idealism. Last week in class we had a rather depressing discussion about how the systems that our society has set up to help people are basically failing at astronomical levels. Several women in my group have worked as teachers in the schools. Even over the past 10-15 years, and especially over the past 5, things have changed so rapidly that the old way of doing school is not working anymore. System change is slow.

The kids have changed and people have changed. One of the interns is working at Memorial Behavioral Health with the same partial-hospitalization program where I did my practicum. The problem he sees is that this program is being offered in the portion of the day when most normal people are expected to work. It also feels impersonal because the entire program is scripted due to having to meet certain health insurance requirements. Only certain therapies are approved, many of which are outdated.

Because there have been many more discoveries and researched-backed methods even since the time that CBT on the scene. When people are only there for 2-3 weeks, you’re barely scratching the surface with being able to address their problems. Whenever I talked to people I would tell them that this program wasn’t going to be the place where they were cured. What it would hopefully be for them was a place where they could receive support during a critical point in their life. It would set them on a path.

During the groups, as you pay attention, find one or two things that really stand out to you. It will be different for every person, but hopefully there will be something in there you can take with you that will empower you as you continue along on the healing journey that you are hopefully on. I didn’t say all that to him but I was remembering while sitting there. He needed to get it off his chest and that is partly what group supervision time is for. To share frustrations and process experiences with the class.

The other time is for presenting videos which is what I was recording yesterday evening while talking with one of the moms. I decided I wasn’t even going to ask about recording anything in the kid groups just to avoid the potential of making moms feel uncomfortable. Most people decline to be in the camera view, which I’m pretty sure I would too. So the videos are of the “counselor” as you can hear the voice of the other. This was only our second meeting so there were many new things I learned about her.

We left for home around 8. Things were going great time-wise even with the stop in Nebraska City and the one near St. Joseph. We were on schedule to get Miles back to school sometime in the early 1:00 hour. But somewhere I realized this was not the right road. I’d done this once before coming back by myself. I started seeing signs saying 435-Kansas City. The whole thing, with a traffic jam included, adds about two extra hours.

I was not happy. Two extra hours of sitting is lot to ask of a person, a lot to ask of a body that aches and craves movement, and to go from making such great time to adding two more hours to not just my ride, but theirs also…I was quiet, silent, breathing deeply to stay calm. I stared down at the line of traffic and we talked about enduring our flaws with peace and how we were not even going to think about the added time.

I tried to not to ruin the mood with my vibe, which had gone from having fun to now greatly disheartened. Something happens in St. Joseph where I have twice now missed a turn. I don’t remember my brain being like this, where it’s compromised with these kind of directional memories. What is it about this particular road transition that is different from the others and causes me to repeatedly miss it? Next time I will watch to find out.

The kids handled it well. When I eventually realized that this meant they’d get to spend some extra time together I was able to let it go and continue on enjoying the trip. Miles drove once we were back on 36 and he and Elianna continued with their music and numbers game. I’d been looking forward to getting home with plenty of time for making a cozy supper for everybody. The fall weather and time away had increased this desire.

There was still food left to have something on hand. Josh and the boys made a trip to the store to restock breakfast and lunch for the upcoming week. When we arrived home supper was ready so we ate. “How was Kansas City?”, asked one of the boys. It was good, I said. I’d even seen some Royals fans dressed up in their jerseys. We all took turns listening to the weekend’s stories. Afterward I went for a walk and Elianna a run.

We had a meet this morning at Mahoney Golf Course in Lincoln. The team bus left around 7:30 and Miles met us here at the house around 8:30. The hotel we normally stay at was booked yesterday when we called to check on availability. They have a more sketch looking inn place that for whatever reason never feels like an option. I looked up Airb&b places and found this cute little place called The Liberty House.

It’s only a few blocks from campus. There are three total rooms that the hostess rents out, all of them on the upper floor. The bottom floor is an antique shop. The only bad thing about it is having to share a bathroom with other guests. With three guest rooms and two bathrooms it doesn’t work out for everyone to have their own. The course for this race was open and beautiful with lots of places to see the runners.

After the meet we found an Applebees for lunch. Thankfully it wasn’t crowded. It was nice to sit and enjoy each other and the food. We had talked about going to the Sunken Gardens when we weren’t sure if we’d have enough to do to fill the time, but we ended up cutting that out of the plan. We went home and after a while met up at the church for their Saturday service. It was a good day and we enjoyed the time together.

Elianna and I left around 7:10 in the morning. We dropped my son at the LuHigh bus stop in town and went to Harvest Market to find some coffee and breakfast. They didn’t really have anything that looked good, was healthy, and was easy to grab. She ordered a smoothie and I asked for a small black coffee. I can drink regular coffee now without it doing whatever it used to do to my nerves. I still limit myself to only a few cups a week.

We ended up stopping by McDonalds for oatmeal. I’m on the second day of my walking 30-minutes a day plan. I just need to start somewhere and be consistent with something, and especially where we live, walking is such a readily accessible form of exercise. On the way out of Illinois we swung by Hannibal to pick up Miles. He originally wasn’t able to come but his soccer game in Indiana was cancelled due to lack of refs.

I only drove about halfway and then they took over. For lunch we found a Hyvee where there were plenty of options that weren’t fast food. For supper we ate at a regular bar and grill that we’d never been to before in Seward. Elianna and I walked back to the dorm and the boys drove. We walked around campus for a short time and then lounged a bit in the campus center. The boys went back to the dorm and she and I to our room.

I left for class early so I could figure out exactly went wrong with last week’s getting lost incident. The door that I go into actually walks into the second floor. When I get on the elevator to go upstairs, there is a two on the door and a sign that says “Level 2”. So last week when I got on the elevator to go back down, I should’ve taken it back to the second floor, not the first. I’d not done that before but for some reason was confused.

To search it out further, I asked the girl sitting next to me if she thought the layout of this particular Brookens building was confusing. She said it definitely was so it wasn’t just me. She works at the university and used to train tour guides, so she happened to know the random fact that the architect who designed the building strongly believed that students could not learn how to think outside the box if they were going to school in a box.

So he designed the building to have zero right angles. I was going to say it was shaped like an octagon or something like that but that’s not quite right either. The classrooms are all in the inner portion of the building and have no windows. The music for the ride there was worship and praise music. I heard a beautiful song I’d never before heard, that when I caught the words, I was sure they were saying the most marvelous things.

Come Behold the Wondrous Mystery
by Matt Boswell, Michael Bleecker, Matt Papa

Come behold the wondrous mystery
In the dawning of the King
He the theme of heaven’s praises
Robed in frail humanity
In our longing, in our darkness
Now the light of life has come
Look to Christ, who condescended
Took on flesh to ransom us

Come behold the wondrous mystery
He the perfect Son of Man
In His living, in His suffering
Never trace nor stain of sin
See the true and better Adam
Come to save the hell-bound man
Christ the great and sure fulfillment
Of the law, in Him we stand

Come behold the wondrous mystery
Christ the Lord upon the tree
In the stead of ruined sinners
Hangs the Lamb in victory
See the price of our redemption
See the Father’s plan unfold
Bringing many sons to glory
Grace unmeasured, love untold

Come behold the wondrous mystery
Slain by death the God of life
But no grave could ever restrain Him
Praise the Lord, He is alive

What a foretaste of deliverance
How unwavering our hope
Christ in power resurrected
As we will be when he comes