I’m thinking about doing a phone fast for the rest of November. Like it just occurred to me this very moment. Obviously you’d keep the essentials. But maybe something will come to mind and it would be good preparation for the season of Advent.

I’m loving walking out into the sea of orange lately.

It was kind of an emotional day at school. As the days are winding down I’m feeling somewhat overwhelmed with the totality of all that has happened throughout this time. I had a meeting with the faculty supervisor before class. We’re required to meet at least twice a semester and this was the second time. My wish for this meeting was to go through my grid materials to get feedback so I could perfect it as much as possible.

And when I opened up my power point that I hadn’t looked at since the summer, I realized two things. The first was that it still needed some work. The second was that I really didn’t care anymore about getting a 4 and it being exemplary. It felt like an old goal that I had had to abandon, out of necessity, yes, but also because of the filling in of other goals. Like being present for my family. Like being less self-critical and driven.

There was a piece of feedback that stood out to me from my latest video. I had been imagining the client’s coming out of addiction to be including at least a heavy part of moving through the grief process. A former alcoholic spoke up about my wording. Instead of focusing on the need to acknowledge how much giving up alcohol sucks, he wondered if it might be helpful to focus instead on all she is gaining now with a sober life.

Husband: (sitting at the table) Where are you going?
Wife: (just emerging from sleep) I’m going outside to take pictures of the glowing trees.
Husband: (watching me zip up my coat) It’s a good thing you got that new coat.
Wife: (still liking my coat) Yes. It’s coming in a lot of handy.
Husband: (looking up through his glasses) A lot of handy??
Wife: (perplexed but undisturbed by my wording) Yes.
*cue laughter and positive feelings

Samuel D. James wrote an article again that didn’t upset me like the last one, but it did get my thoughts turning wish we could just sit down and have a three hour conversation. That’s not going to happen. So at the very least before the rest of my day I thought I could sit down and try to type out some thoughts on this topic that just continues to bug me. I had to see what Jen Hatmaker meant by sexual renaissance.

Because what it sounded like to me, was that Samuel D. James thought sexual renaissance, from a Christian man’s perspective, meant that he (as in a general Christian man) would finally be free to cast off the restraints of the rules. The expectations that he be faithful to his wife (if married). The extreme expectations that he would not engage in any non God-approved sexual activity for the rest of his life.

And that the reason this would be considered a sexual renaissance is because there are a lot of urges inside of men that cause these restraints and expectations to be very hard to live out. So these urges have to be deadened or numbed or ignored or even disciplined. This part of them is not accepted, and so as some people say, it comes out sideways. I have no idea if this is making any sense. If he was here I could ask him.

Well anyway. I didn’t go digging super deeply but I did find an article where she was talking about purity culture teaching women to hate their bodies. That was not my particular experience, though I do think there were things about it that caused women/girls to overthink and become more self-conscious. Dressing in a way so as to not cause your (apparently very sexually charged) brother to stumble was a big one.

Ug, I’m getting lost and am not quoting any sources. I don’t think purity culture was the cause of women hating their bodies. Instead, I think certain things about it may have fed an already present tendency. When I was in 8th grade, there was a guy who I’d had a massive crush on for almost two years. He was in my class and dating a 7th grader. The girl and I were cheerleaders. I remember wondering what it was about her.

One day during a basketball game (I’m getting a feeling like I have told this story before) I noticed her stomach showing when she lifted up her arms. Something clicked in my mind. That must be what it is because there was just something about it that made me go, “I want my stomach to look like hers” because this was the way to the man (the 8th grade boy I had a crush on). So I starting making myself throw up for three years.

Surprise, it didn’t work, either my stomach being flat or getting the man I wanted. When I think about the times where I have been unhealthily focused on my body or looks, it is always tied to the belief that my body is the commodity that keeps me valuable to men, and that sexual value is the highest form of importance in terms of how I am judged by the opposite sex. I do think that both men and women want to be valued by the other.

So teaching women to love their bodies I don’t think is a bad thing. Many women did spend many years hating and mistreating them. Going and sleeping around with men would not be loving, to them or to us. I don’t think promiscuity is what Jen Hatmaker is meaning by sexual renaissance. I think she means being more of who she was meant to be as a woman who is free to be sexually fearless in the context of a loving relationship.

One of the saving graces of this semester is the teacher cancelling class every so often on Mondays. The Tuesday teacher does not cancel and does not let us out early. The Wednesday class is considered a hybrid and so sometimes like this week we do not have to go in for class. This week we’re meeting via Zoom. Our supervisor is gone for the week so I have the entire week off from any group or client sessions.

So that was very relieving and opened up some needed space. This time of year always feels so congested and brings with it a dread of all the things that must be done. I know the holidays probably aren’t supposed to feel that way. Today I broke things down into a four part to-do list with the things I am hoping to get done with the extra time this week. I had the major urge to clean in our basement so that’s where I started.

There is a lot of undone work from the time when I couldn’t do as much. My sister asked if things feel lighter with the kids being older and more of them gone. Lighter is not the right word. More empty, yes. But I have more hope that having a tidy home again is possible. That all these projects, bursts of energy, and throwing away of nerf bullets and board games is where I am today in this leg of the race here.

We went to Lowe’s this evening because one of the boys had a gift card. I know I keep saying this, because it’s very close to the front of my mind, but there remains an awareness of the passing of time and how I am spending it. Something has shifted in my mind as well where when I am home on the weekends I tend to as well be aware of the clock and where I would be in relation to work departure times and work tasks.

If this was my weekend, I’d have to leave in two hours. If I was at work right now, I’d only be two hours in, I’d just be finishing my suppertime med pass, I’d still be there for another two hours when I am climbing into bed. It wasn’t always like this. But it feels like the time is approaching to ask my boss if I can change up my schedule. Something where I can work during the days and less during time when everybody is home.

The entry way of the store was full of Christmas decorations. Two of the boys turned right to go look at the tools. Only one stayed with me, still interested in the lights. If I had a million dollars I could buy all of it and create a Christmas wonderland. Dad came in from his phone call and we walked around, him helping me look for the now empty sofa slip cover section. Later we all went back and made pizza. It was a very nice time.

Tonight was Halloween. Earlier in the evening were talking about how we didn’t have any kids around to take trick or treating. The high school boys were at one of the church trunk or treats handing out hot dogs with their cross country team. We asked our son if he wanted to dress up and go. He said sure. So he put on his leather jacket, sunglasses, and bandana and dressed up as a biker. We went to the church trunk-or-treat.

So that was nice. I told my husband we were going to have to adopt some kids, like a sibling group, or at least become foster parents. He wasn’t completely against the idea. When I asked about a puppy he said it would probably at least have to be a few years. On a more serious note, I don’t know how adopting kids would not somehow take away from your ability to be there for the kids you already have. I want to be there for them.

We went to IHOP for supper. The food was good and it wasn’t crowded at all. Earlier in the day I’d tried to find my taller Christmas tree to decorate it with the orange lights. I could only find the short ones so I didn’t end up decorating anything. So I went ahead and got caught up on my homework. We have access to some TV through YouTube so we watched the World Series game which was fun all snuggled up on the couch.

The ground is so dry there are cracks in it everywhere. You don’t notice it unless you’re up on the athletic field and everywhere you step are giant cracks. It’s kind of how my mind feels when it thinks about homework. On Fridays I don’t have any school so I am planning on sitting down and getting the rest of my things figured out. I’m a little behind on a few assignments but it seems like all the teachers are just as behind these days.

I was at Thrive in the morning and by the time I was finished I was seriously doubting whether or not I wanted to do this. There had been too much exposure to or discussion about drugs. There are people all over this town using drugs, and while it really disturbs me, it does make me appreciate the sheltered life I have lived here. I can remember learning about drugs in school and thinking, “Who even does this?”

When I was shopping for a coat I saw drug users everywhere. At some point though I realized that I was operating in what they call “a state of depletion”. You’re much more likely to feel discouraged, tired, or overwhelmed when that’s the case. So that made me feel better to realize that’s all it was, and I went for a walk and enjoyed our conversation at supper. Dad and the boys were laughing about movies and I added my two cents.

I knew when I signed up for this somatic practitioner certification course that the timing wasn’t going to be great. The assignments are due by November 20thish, including a 1-page book summary, 2-3 sentences about each of the 30ish exercises we are supposed to practice on ourselves, 7 graphing/writing exercises about stresses and coping strategies, and four online sessions with a stranger and fellow student.

For two of the lessons you are the practitioner, and for the other two you are the practice client. We had our first two lessons yesterday. I’m with a woman from New York City who used to be an actress and model. So that was pretty interesting. Now that we’ve each done our assessments, we have to come up with a somatic care plan that is tailored to the individual who has real life pains, aspirations, and anxieties.

My son and I Facetimed Ethan and Laura this evening. We talked about the World Series and casually talked/visited for a half hour. Dad was at his school meeting. The bigger kids went to Grandma’s house after school and hung out there until it was time for youth group in Auburn. I still made two tator tot casseroles because there would still be three of us eating and the rest could still be used for leftovers and lunches.

“When deconstruction narratives happen, there is usually at least a pretense of a more intellectual shift. What Hatmaker is offering is a more primal narrative: “I left the tradition of my past not primarily because it stopped making sense or started hurting people I love, but because I’m tired of feeling bad about the things I want to do.”
~Samuel D. James, from his Substack article Female Culture is Being Pornified~

Sigh. I’ve been reading this person’s articles for years and I can’t help but just feel sorry for him in a way, in addition to a little bit frustrated. He is so smart, so firm and unwavering, and yet he still does not get it. He cannot, for whatever reason, seem to understand why women would find his traditional beliefs to be questionable.

The above line was the kickstart, that thing when you’re reading something and you’re listening along just fine and then a line pops out that “triggers” you, makes your heart start to race and makes you think, “Boy, now you’ve really done it”. You spoke about things of which you do not understand. And what you said was so off base.

I’ve been wanting to read Jen Hatmaker’s new book but I’ve been dragging my feet because I do not want to spend the money (over $20). It’s old news, the whole religious deconstruction era, and I’m not really sure I want to hear about how great her new sex life is or how much she betrayed herself by falling in line with so called patriarchy.

These guys like the above writer do tell on themselves sometimes. They are rarely known for their openness, vulnerability, and warm spirits. Yes I get how tired we are of hearing about how some conservative religious beliefs screwed up people’s lives and interfered with the formation of healthy relationships and truer self acceptance.

I left behind some of the traditions of my past because they did stop making sense and because they were causing harm to a person I loved, and that person was me. I might have had to imagine myself as somebody else, I might’ve had to will myself to transfer that love then to me, but you are right, it wasn’t mainly a mind thing but a heart one.

Leave it to me to have to process visiting a married child. Do not get me wrong, we had a very nice trip. I can’t remember if I’ve ever written it here, but I heard something once like that one of the ways to successfully manage male and female differences is to understand that most men are going to be a little bit autistic and women are going to be at least a little bit crazy. These differences sometimes. It’s just still always there.

We actually talked about this in the car. The differences between men and women. He said that as we continue toward glory and then finally reach its pinnacle in the new creation, we will be even more distinctly masculine and even more distinctly feminine. I found it hard to really say, but my view was more that we will be more fully merged to where masculine and feminine will not matter. We will be one. Fully unified and whole.

What that looks like exactly I couldn’t say. Do we have genitalia as new creation men and women? What will we need it for then, and what will be the purpose in the need to be distinguished? He thought I was saying that women will become more like men and men will become more like women. I don’t know what I meant. Just that in Christ, if I am to live that long, I will be more beautiful at 80 or 90 than at any other time in my life.