It’s that time of year when growth demands change. The boys were tasked with taking every coat and sweatshirt off of the entryway hooks and sorting them into piles of keep or not keep. I fold their clothes and don’t know whose underwear belongs to who anymore or whose shirts are what person’s. I definitely wasn’t going to be able to figure out the coats and the abundance of hooded items. Several bags were packed up.

So Dad, the boys, and I headed into town to find again the needed items. Elianna met us there. We looked around in Goodwill and it isn’t the same. There was not a rack of used coats to be found. I did find one thinner sweatshirt in the Christmas clothing section. It was colored a faded soft red with the word LOVE across the chest. The O was a Christmas tree. Next we drove to Sierra where two of the boys found cozy and quality winter coats. There are the coats for going out and then the coats for snow playing.

After that we went to Walmart. Target would’ve been nicer and not so hard on the nerves, but the priority in this case was saving money. Another coat was found along with two pairs of dress pants. Believe it or not everyone needed dress pants again. Dad reminded them why they are needed, because it’s good to look nice sometimes. We bought whipped cream and hot chocolate mix to bring home and enjoy the evening.

It’s been a nice couple of days with the weather. Zorro was with us Thursday while Elianna was gone to spend the day visiting Miles. I had told her that going to a college just because your boyfriend goes there wasn’t a good enough reason to go to a college. She wasn’t against the advice, and the saving of money, but staying in town while the rest of your friends go away to go college has not been without certain drawbacks.

If a love is meant to be it will last. Now I’m sure along with that you have to include things like effort and occasional lost sleep to hopefully just talk through an issue. There can be so much resentment that builds up in relationships. Not too long ago I finally started treating resentment like it was an addiction needing me and it to be brought through the 12 Steps. I’ve tried and I’ve tried and I cannot overcome this.

So in that case a negative thought is similar to a craving. Cravings supposedly only last for 15-20 minutes. Once they pass you are through them and can go about your day, hopefully now without just having derailed it. I tell him it’s the crone energy starting to manifest. I’ve been the maiden. I’ve been the lover. I’ve been the nurturer and caregiver. I have been the woman who ran with the wolves and swam with pelicans.

But I need you, he said, I still need you to be these other things for me. You can have the best of all four of them I told him, but if you reject any of them they all disappear. You cannot expect me to have lived this long, to have gone through this much and not have any guidance. Your strength as a man needs an outlet and so does mine as a woman. When I am unable to give you my strength I implode. I fill with fury.

We won’t be like the rest of them, who never figure out how to get their acts together and still have resentments 40, 50, 60 years. I say my patience is over and I am done with the waiting. He corrects my false story which emboldens me to correct his. And I can hear it, I will always hear it when the hearing is mutual. “I really do just love you”, and I feel it in my heart like a glare. like an angry resistance that fades with the midnight.

I asked ChatGPT to write me a poem
to my surprise it said “sure”
and I gave my criteria

The poem appeared
and I actually liked it
Here is a sample
edited solely for brevity

Turning trees whisper ancient lessons—
every gold-touched ending a doorway,
every breath of change
is a vow the world makes.

I feel your presence like a lantern
glowing just beyond the mist—
not yet seen, but sensed,
like a memory from a life I’m still walking toward.

I step across the trembling edges,
letting the wind rearrange my shadows,
letting the earth rewrite my pulse.

I laugh at the absurdity
the way it wrote this so quick
the way the sky made me glad

We Facetimed Ethan who was home by himself. Laura was at a study session being held by a professor. He propped the phone up against the wall and stood at the sink doing dishes. We asked him what was new and at practice they’d had their post-season 1600M time trial. He’d done well, with an impressive 80% of the men’s team clocking new 1600 PR’s. The coach decided they’d be running through Thanksgiving this year.

Usually that’s when they take a week long break, one of three weeks off from running they get all year. It doesn’t really seem like all that long ago, but things have changed quite a bit from the first season to now. I used to know when the time trials were and prayed about them in my journal and texted good luck and waited for the results. This time I didn’t even know it was happening, reminded today that those were a thing.

Every so often I think to pray for my kids more, to expand my mind to ask for something other than “Help me get this paper finished” or “Help me get my work done”. Those types of prayers have been in the books for four years. I am wondering with school ending if this means I might gain some of my mind back, if I might regain some strength and motivation to make time to move again. This time at night I remember them all in my prayers.

For whatever reason I’m feeling grateful today. It was a good day at Thrive with a good group discussion. I love group so much I don’t know how else to say it, but it’s not like that energetic kind of love. We have a feelings wheel in the group room that people can use to identify whatever emotions they are feeling. The negative emotions always seem too negative and the positive ones always sound too charged. At peace is the closest.

Or settled or stable. Arya and I planned to start to work on our research methods project that is due next week. Neither one of us were in a brain state to be understanding directions about things we don’t understand. So while we talked about it a little bit, it’s been pushed off until Sunday when our other group partner can join us for a group call. After today I’m down to just over ten hours that I need to complete.

I’ve been up since 3AM since I could not go back to sleep. I drove home from class last night and came away again with that feeling of being charged but also a feeling of longing. I’ve enjoyed these classes, the teachers, and students and will miss this.

I came home from class to find Dad and the kids outside looking at the Northern Lights. Ethan had texted me saying he and Laura had seen them. Elianna was texting say she could see them from Grandma’s house. My siblings chat was also busy with pictures.

Dad and the boys had gone to Arby’s for supper. They’d been out picking up a foosball table that someone had offered to give to the camp. I wasn’t going to eat but I ended up giving in to the even faint hunger. I made a bologna sandwich and gave my son a bite.

Everyone came in and we were on the couch enjoying each other’s company and I said, “Well guys I hate to do this but I think I’m going to head to bed and start to wind down”. Somehow this led to a conversation where I was explaining the five love languages.

Ethan and Laura have an entire week off for Thanksgiving break. I have no expectations other than that I’d like them to be there for at least part of our family Thanksgiving weekend. It’s not even that I’m trying not to be too possessive or demanding. And it’s not so much that I don’t even care. It’s just that if they’re here, great, I will try to enjoy it and make it nice for them too, and if they’re not here, I’ll miss them but I understand.

And will want them to have a good time wherever they do go. So that’s that. I was back at Thrive in the morning after being off for over a week. That situation more or less has positively corrected itself but he was in my dream the other night calling to ask how things were going. I have to do a group session between now and the end of the semester and my topic of choice is self-compassion using a video from the researcher Dr. Kristin Neff.

It’s hard not knowing yet where I am going to be working. I was thinking more today that there really are many benefits to this other private practice where I had an interview and would be able to work. She’s been much more frequent with communication and seems to really know her stuff. She said she is fine with me doing Christian counseling there. Long-term there would be more income earning potential.

“Love is reciprocal re-creation, the mutual bestowal of a name only lovers can utter.”
~Carl Anderson, Called to Love~

I have not been going to church much these days. Over the past several years my attendance has gradually fizzled out to showing up just enough to not be seen as a complete apostate. We are working on remedying this situation to where it might be possible to attend a different church. It will have to be a Lutheran one. I don’t think the boys are completely happy or understand but they still are thankfully being open.

We had our first sighting of flurries this morning. The boys were getting ready for church and noticed them. One came up with his short sleeves and shorts. I had seen them in the corner of my eye but wasn’t sure. I asked if he was wearing shorts and he said yes. I remember my oldest son would not wear a coat to school. He would wear a sweatshirt with jeans. I don’t understand this but it seems to be a common thing.

For creatures who seem to appreciate comforts, it does seem odd that they choose to suffer this way. I’m sure there are mirroring ways that I do this. I don’t mean that lightly, I’m sure I do it all the time. We had our soup once everybody was home. Dad and the boys talked about going to the play this afternoon at the high school. It sounded like a fun plan to make. When they left none of the boys came in to first tell me goodbye.

I thankfully did not have to go into work today. On Thursday my boss texted saying she had an extra nurse scheduled for Saturday and asked if I would want the day off. I had begun the process of letting her know that I do not want to keep the same schedule in the future. I absolutely told her yes and again felt very relieved. Today was very productive deep cleaning part of the kitchen and prepping for Thanksgiving weekend.

Sometimes it’s necessary to be more intentional with your time. As much as I would’ve liked to try and squeeze it all in, I did end up asking for an extension for my certification course. I asked for another month and they gave me instead until April 7th of next year. The end of school feels so close I can hardly believe it will ever get here. I truly am so ready to be done. School has given me tools and helped me slowly adapt to life outside.

The weather was noticeably colder again today. We may have seen the last of the brighter colors for this year since eventually the leaves start to shrivel and fall from the trees. I baked a pumpkin and made chicken broth with plans to eventually blend the two for tomorrow afternoon’s lunch. Elianna and Zorro were here for the day while she was cooking for a camp group. We scheduled our day to make the Thanksgiving pies.

LIII
Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets

Here are the bread–the wine–the table–the house:
a man’s needs, and a woman’s, and a life’s.
Peace whirled through and settled in this place:
the common fire burned, to make this light.

Hail to your two hands, which fly and make
their white creations, the singing and the food:
salve! the wholesomeness of your busy feet’
viva! the ballerina who dance with the broom

Those rugged rivers of water and of threat,
torturous pavilions of the foam,
incendiary hives and reefs: today

they are this respite, your blood in mine,
the path, starry and blue as the night,
this never-ending simple tenderness.