My Instagram ads have been a steady stream of wrinkle treatments and weight loss solutions. I know they aren’t just reading my mind. I did actually buy some kind of exercise and meal plan package that you had to sift through $300+ dollars of extra add-on’s to purchase. You take a quiz, and based on the answers, they determine what is best for you based on your hormone type. Based on body type and symptoms they labeled me a type A personality, which just isn’t true.

I had to go into the doctor last week. I’d called to renew an anxiety med prescription, something I’ve done mostly without problems for the past two years. They said it’d been too long since I’d had a regular physical. I told them I try to only go the doctor if I’m having a problem, as most regular doctors visits are something we pay out of pocket and can range anywhere from $400-$600 a piece depending on how much time your appointment takes. She said the doctor could work with me.

He did. While I was there I asked him about weight gain. Besides being pregnant, this is the highest it’s ever been. I did Whole30 last month. I’ve been trying to walk more. Nothing. One of his side-specialties is bariatric health care, so he said the only thing he’s going to tell me is “diet & exercise”. But also, from a medical perspective, numbers-wise, everything looks fine. Appearances aside, he’s not getting into all that, it’s possible that what it is now is actually better than it was before.

I need a scan of my uterus, my colon, something. Something to show me what is happening in there. All these times I’ve come to you, when you keep telling me I’m fine. And now you’re going to tell me it’s fine again. I’ve heard stories of this. Women repeatedly diagnosed with anxiety when it was actually something else. But I don’t have energy to fight anymore. I don’t have the stamina to keep searching for answers, to keep going to doctors looking for help with whatever’s been wrong.

These stream-of-consciousness posts occasionally get on my nerves. I get tired of the magical thinking and imposing meaning on experiences. One of the girls used to ask me, “But what’s your point?” Well, I don’t know. Most of the time I write because I don’t know what I’m thinking. I think this experience popped out for me because it was the first time in these past two years this core belief has been challenged, when he proposed I’m actually now in better shape.

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