I started reading a book called The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. It’s a memoir written by a woman following the sudden death of her husband who suffered cardiac arrest one evening while eating dinner. Simultaneously she writes about her daughter who has been near death in the ICU at least twice since the book started. I’m a little over halfway through and not really enjoying it, but I’m in with it now.

The book came recommended a while ago by another author–John Blase? He’s one of those writers, who at one time, could take away my breath by the things he would say. So naturally I am curious to what kinds of things he reads and what books he would recommend. I have bought multiple books over the years that he has liked and recommended and have never liked a single one. I don’t remember where I heard of it.

The Bible talks about those who grieve yet have no hope. From what I can tell, the magical thinking spoken of is referring to the things our minds do to try and make sense of terrible things and insulate us from things that are in the moment too comprehend. For the believer these things are filled in for us, or at least we have something to set our mind to in the gift of God’s word. Many people do not have this.

The book is made up mostly of the chronicling of events in that detached and emotionless way one does at times when writing about something considerably jarring. The front cover contains a review that states, “Stunning candor and piercing details…An indelible portrait of loss and grief.” I tend to think there’s way too much flattery in most book review blurbs, though it could just be me. I am hard to please with these things.

Two of my sisters and I made plans to fly to Florida next week to visit my aunt. The report from my cousin is one of rapid decline. I’ve been trying to process the situation, both on my own and with other family members. These events have a way of revealing odd family dynamics that you knew were there but hadn’t necessarily seen in a while. But they also have a way of bringing people together in ways that set aside differences.

My son has a birthday today, the one born on Epiphany. Miles and Graham are here at the moment. They all just set up the game Ticket to Ride. I think Miles is staying for supper and coming to church. My mother-in-law will be here as well. Tomorrow Josh is planning to take Ethan back to school and if we end up squeezing it in I still want to give him a haircut before he goes. Our present for my son arrived in the mail this afternoon.

Yesterday after pulling into the Hae’s parking lot I had a moment of needing to process emotions. Sometimes processing is just living through it, stopping when you need to and then continuing on. This is life in a fallen world where family members pass and the Lord’s divine allowances don’t always make sense to our finite minds. But the gift of loss contains a greater appreciation of the present, of hugs and games and brighter things.