I thought the boys were going to stay in the boat the whole time, but halfway through the eclipse they were rowing back to shore, their plan having been to see half of it on the water and half on the land. I didn’t care what they were doing as long as they were seeing it. We traveled down to Hoyleton and stayed with friends overnight. We visited throughout the morning and the kids especially enjoyed the outdoors.

Their house ended up being the perfect place to watch. I had to make a decision earlier in the week where I gave up my idea of going about 30 miles farther south. It didn’t make any sense to do that. Yes, we would’ve seen the total coverage for a little bit longer, but we would not have a bathroom, or any sure place to go, and who knows what the traffic would’ve been like. It actually wasn’t too bad this time.

But that extra half a minute seemed like a lot to give up. And I cried in my bed in the afternoon lull, remembering the joys from the last one, and thinking how after this we may never see another eclipse again. This truly happened. And it was deeper and it was more. And it was everything. We had another wonderful time. The boat was put back and then we brought the viewing chairs back over to the patio.

The kids had a track meet in Mt. Zion today. The boys and I left around 9:15. Elianna and Grandma met us there around 10:45. We stayed the whole time because I wanted to watch Miles run the 4×400 which is always the final race of the track meet. I really do think they’re fun. Another mom and I were having to figure out who the new runners were. You learn to know the shapes of their heads and their bodies and how they look from far away.

When my new runner had lined up on the track for the boys 800 in Athens, I didn’t know who he was. Ethan asked me to Facetime when the race began. I called him and said they were getting started but that I didn’t see Judah. I didn’t know where he was but he must not have been out there yet. It wasn’t until he was a third of the way around that I figured out he was out there running. The stocking cap he was wearing had thrown me way off.

The next day Grandma met the kids at school in the parking lot and dropped off some new clothes to wear under his uniform when its cold. So he wore those today. The sky was perfectly clear with no clouds and after awhile it was no longer cold. All of us have red faces from the sun. I’ve been keeping an eye on the weather for the eclipse day and it keeps changing. In order to actually see it you can’t have too many clouds. I did pray it’d be clear.

Dad wasn’t at the meet this time because he was giving a talk in Champaign. I don’t know if this was the official name or not but he kept calling it the Martin plus Katie conference. It was a Lutheran singles get-together of men and women from age 18-35 who are interested in marriage or actively looking for a spouse. There was a men’s talk and a women’s talk and he gave the men’s talk. Two times recently I’ve looked for “Dad” in my phone to call him.

We arrived home from the meet around 4:30. I laid down for a while and drifted in and out of dreams. Elianna came in to tell me Miles was coming over. Josh called to tell me he was on his way home. I don’t remember what I dreamed about but it was the kind of peaceful sleep where you come away rested. I had two blankets on me because one is not enough heaviness. I started supper. As soon as Miles was here I had to ask his take on the races.

There are times in life when the people you reached out to for help over the years, the ones you thought for sure could or would help you, were not the ones who ended up doing so. It can be a terrible and bewildering thing to experience, and I am sorry for the times–I can think of at least one now–when the Levite or the priest passing by has been me. I will take this as the Lord’s reminder to text and check in.

The younger boys had a field trip today. The teacher who arranges things is always kind of enough to put them together in the same traveling group. I’ve never asked her to do this, but whatever she sees apparently prompts her to give them choice of being with a brother or being with classmates. One is doing fine with school, but I do wish the less happy ones liked it more. They went to an engineering display.

We had our Friday coffee/tea at Hae’s. Afterward we went to a Treasure Hunt store. I had no idea this was a thing. People were lined up for twenty minutes before it opened. Inside were tables of what looked like junk, returned merchandise that people were filling their carts and bags with. He found a gaming headset and pickleball paddles. I remembered crazy places I’d taken my kids. If only I’d written it down.

The kids had their first track meet today. Two previously scheduled ones had been cancelled due to weather and this one was scheduled in attempt to make on of them up. It was colder than I was expecting but I had brought water, snacks, and two blankets. Josh had a meeting this afternoon and wasn’t able to make it until midway through the meet. I met up with his mom and the boys who had gone over to her house this afternoon after school to watch the Cardinals home opener.

I accidently drove to PORTA high school instead of Athens. The kicker is that you have to drive right through Athens in order to do that. Several of the track and cross country meets are at PORTA, which is only 10 more minutes away. I’ve never actually been to Athens for a meet because it was one of the many I’ve missed. Why my brain did not alert me sooner that I’d gone to the wrong place, I don’t know. How I do these things so fairly often, I don’t know either. I really wonder sometimes.

Earlier during the day I’d spent some time writing prayers. I rotate through the same themes pretty frequently. I have felt the urge lately to just come out and say, “Look, I’m depressed, it always gets this way now, we’re just going to have to deal with it and it’s going to be the way it is.” I think I might have actually said it but sometimes I just don’t know. Today one of my prayers was asking the Lord to help me continue to function and to keep making progress. I guess I just meant in normal life.

I also prayed about the meets. I get very severe health anxiety when it comes to them running. It is not for completely unwarranted reasons, as things have happened here and there at various times that have given me cause for concern in past and present. At some point it is just all out of my hands. The fear and the worry can be such a hard cross, and I don’t know at times why this has to be something so strong in me. I would love to just sit back and relax and be a normal person and enjoy.

Tomorrow I’m scheduled to go into work for a couple of hours. They had a shorter, three hour afternoon opening that I signed up for. I’m feeling better after being away though I do still have a lingering sadness, and I wouldn’t even say it’s about anything specific. Life just effects me. One of the boys is currently needing help with math homework so I need to wrap it up here and focus. One day at a time is all I can do most days and it’s enough as God is true to give us strength for each one.

The boys wanted to go down to the dining hall to play ping-pong. They had their cleaning time, reading time, and then it was their skill time. I folded laundry during reading time while all the boys read in the living room, Dad included. I’d already had some reading time during piano lessons.

I had all these thoughts I was going to write down about the Mary-Martha energy balance, about striving and performance, and the need to come back to center after periods when you’ve been going and going. Now though I’m just tired, and struggling to come up with any words to go deeper.

Here are some things I was glad for today: A warm house to come home to after being out in cold weather of rain and sleet. Food in the house that I’d planned to have here so I wouldn’t have to worry about shopping this week. Waking up in the closeness of spouses. Evening drives in the wind.

I was 15 miles outside of St. Joseph, Missouri when the Fairfield Inn called and said someone had turned in my purse to the front desk. They’d found it out in the parking lot. I turned around and picked it up. The lady apologized for it being wet. I was glad I hadn’t spoken my full mind when she’d asked how everything had gone with the room. It was good, I said, and it was, but I’d wanted to say before that, “A little pricey, but…”

$348 on a weekday, and I could’ve taken a whole other cat to the vet for that much. We’d planned ahead of time for me to stop, and I was just going to find a place, which 95% of the time is a reliable system. I wanted a place with a pool and the Holiday Inn had no rooms. There were two other options. The Candlewood Suites had rooms but no pool. I thought, “No problem, the YMCA is right across the street.” But when I called them asking if my out-of-state-membership would be accepted, and then asked if they had open swim hours for the evening, they said, “Oh, we don’t have a pool here. I’m sorry.”

So that left this Fairfield place which I’d already left once. I called Josh and told him and he said to go ahead and get it. It was a good stop. They had a Target and a Kohl’s and TJ Maxx and Chick’Fil’A and all kinds of other restaurants. I’d brought homework along thinking I’d knock out an assignment or two. I wasn’t expecting the stores, and thought maybe I could just take the time to look for nice spring clothes. I checked in and slept.

By the time I woke up it was dark and I had that feeling that I’d slept for too long. I felt like I was coming down with some kind of fever and I thought, “All that money, and I’m not even going to swim.” I texted Josh again and he said to just try it, even if I’m just soaking in it, and then I could swim if I felt like it. I’ve been craving being the water again and once I was in I remembered why. Yoga and swimming are the only two exercises where I ever wonder why in the world I ever stopped. When I woke up this morning I felt the way I used to feel when I was coming down with mastitis, but there was no milk.

On the way home a classmate texted and said the teacher had decided to drop one of the papers and have us do a discussion in class instead. This was great except for that we’ve kind of had these long-standing plans for the solar eclipse on Monday. I emailed the teacher and asked how big of a problem it’d be to miss again. They really all should be going. I still don’t feel all that excited about it which kind of surprises me but oh well.

My son and I left at 5 this morning to head back to Seward. For the first two hours he fell back asleep. I had the Peace album playing by Bethel Music. I wanted it to be like lullaby songs where he felt safe and nestled under his blankets. You get those moments as a parent where you start to think, “Okay, at some point you’re going to have to know what it’s like to endure discomfort, to go the extra mile for somebody else.”

But today didn’t have to be that day. We stopped probably 3-4 times to stretch our legs, go to the bathroom, grab a snack, and fill up the gas tank. We picked up something for lunch in Lincoln and had to stop by Walmart to look for a Garmin watch charger and also a phone one. I ate my lunch in his room and didn’t finish it all, but didn’t offer him the rest. There were only one or two bites left and by then it everything was falling apart and spilling out of the hamburger bun. I crumpled up the garbage and asked him where he’s supposed to take all his room trash. I guess they have a dumpster.

And no I wasn’t going to offer to take all the boxes or hunt down a vacuum from the cleaning closet. I had already suggested on one of the last trips that they just bring our vacuum along, run it real quick before leaving, and then bring it back home. I stood up and felt the tears starting to come. He stood up. I gave him a hug. I walked to the door. Love you, I barely said. Love you too, he said, then I walked away and left.