Thank God for those days where there is nothing going on and when you sit down to write there isn’t anything to say. You can love someone so much, or love a group of people, and also get to this point where you’re in this underlying, quiet, and seemingly permanent state of “You know, I love you, but I am currently so depleted that you’re going to have to figure this one out on your own.” The nurturing energy turns inward.

If you were blessed enough in life to have a nurturing woman who raised you I’ve always thought it kind of unfortunate that girls must grow up to leave their mothers to never be nurtured like that again. We all long to be taken care of, at least, that’s what I would think most human beings would long for and would actually need. For years it was “this village” I was sure I was missing, that absent older generation of women.

And then it was just like you realized you can’t waste any more of your energy wishing for something that wasn’t there. So what if it would help? So what if what you’re saying is true? I had to emotionally detach from Zorro in order to survive his several days of lying on the floor with a broken leg. Since then I haven’t been as close to him and haven’t really tried to do anything more with him. He is back to running and walking.

But what I mean is you just get used to going without. The other day I wrote in my journal, “I miss having friends but at this point it just seems like such a bygone comfort, I hardly notice.” This time of year I can get kind of bitter when I see the staff all together and existing in life. I can kind of resent their carefree lives and their seeming obliviousness to responsibility, and all the while they think they are more independent.

I know that’s not the way to be. The summer becomes a thing to survive instead of a time to be deeply engaged. I tend to think it’s kind of stupid that you’re supposed to be so proud of your husband for his work when that is the biggest thing that takes him away from you. Not stupid like you shouldn’t be proud, but more like it’s one of those stupid things in life that is hard but you manage to do it because the bitterness sucks.