“…it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure–“
~Revelation 19:8~

I feel like I cannot trust life to not throw me a terrible curve ball. Being turned in on oneself can feel like a move of protection. Protecting my insides from being wounded any further. I haven’t the energy even now to get up. After a full day of laundry and making progress, swimming halfway across the lake with two of my kids and continuing to do so in the swim area’s deep end. I lie here staring out the window. The leaves.

I do not want to star in the cautionary tale. I look these other women and wonder, how are they functioning? And why am I not? It’s what I’m asking, telling God, just let me function again. I ordered a book for me and my daughter called Reclaiming Your Joy: A Bible Study on Conquering Your Joy Stealers. There’s a policy in the student handbook that says we aren’t supposed to communicate with our clients via personal numbers.

So that’s completely my wrong. During the night I was awake with things on my mind, asking God to keep turning my mind to the good and fostering gratitude. I feel like I am a person who relies on God and receives from him strength. But would other people see or think that on their own? Sometimes my desire and what is shown does not match up. Yet even so, somewhere I trust I’m still right where I’m supposed to be.

There are certain times that bring to mind specific failures as a parent. This preparation with the wedding is definitely one of those times. I was telling one of the kids this evening that I am sorry for not giving them a better example of married life. Not in everything, but in certain things I know we failed. I know I have failed as a mother and when I talk about failing, I mean like the words we say in the confession during church.

That I have sinned against these people in thought, word, and deed, by what I have done and by what I have left undone, etc. It’s a tough pill to swallow as I not only do experience the fruits of my labors I have given toward motherhood, but I also experience the sting of the results of my accumulated shortcoming. It has to happen this way. Living as sinners in the fallen world like we do, there is no other way to know.

I have a stack of reasons why I could be bitter. I’m realizing bitterness isn’t something I’m working at this point to prevent. Rather it’s something that has been there and I am only now seeing it more clearly. I know God is already to working to remove this transgression and that even the ability to see our need for him is a gift from his hand. Again I started praying that I could course correct my life, that it was not too late for me.

The boys are away at camp this week. Whenever I miss my time in the morning to write I can’t help but try to get it done a little later, even while contending with the sounds of opening doors and footsteps and coughs. The inner pain of needing to write even with so many noises around me and the tasks of the day calling out for my attention is enough to bring me to almost tears sometimes. It’s kind of ridiculous, but you know.

That’s just the way it is sometimes. My project for the week is cleaning out Ethan’s room. Then whenever we find out the moving day in July his stuff will be ready to pick and choose what he wants. My sister is helping design a wedding rehearsal invitation and I’m determined to keep finding at least one thing every day. Something that needs to be done that I can do. Over the weekend Laura and I made her chapel decoration

for the outdoor chapel cross. She’s such a sweetie. This past Friday my sister-in-law took the day off work and had me come down to St. Louis where she helped me find a dress. I found a few other ones as well to buy and put into my 40+ wardrobe stash. I was so amazed by the selection down there that I might even go back and shop there again sometime. It’s a big enough city that they still have department stores in their malls.

My brother asked me to go with him to a college day today and I told him no. That was rough because I would’ve wanted to do it but I have a child I am needing to take to the doctor and a mind that is needing to stay focused on life. I’m feeling exposed again and vulnerable, like I’m needing to be careful and treat myself gently. There’s some issue going on with the teachers right now where they’re looking into the messaging policies.

I gave out my phone number to the three of my clients and apparently this can be a huge risk to my safety. Sometimes I think people take things too far. These people are supposed to trust us but we are apparently not supposed to trust them. The leaves look pretty today and I’ve been drinking lemon water to hopefully reduce inflammation in my face and elsewhere. It’s all so silly. But yeah, I need to get started on my work now.

God has been doing some work in my heart lately to heal and revise some beliefs I’ve had about marriage. Ethan and Laura started meeting with a pastor for their premarital counseling sessions and I ordered the book he gave them to read. It’s called Christ and the Church by Andrew Richard. I’ve read it almost all the way through and I have to say that I think it is actually a pretty decent book that I’d be okay recommending.

You know, I’ve really had a problem with these pastors who talk about “God’s glorious design” when it comes to the first man and woman in the garden of Eden. Whenever they say it’s the beautiful order that puts the woman under man I cringe now just like they anticipate that I will. They attribute it to my sinful flesh rebelling but I want to say, “Listen, were thorns originally part of God’s glorious order? Pain? Death?”

But like I said recently before, I don’t want to be bitter. Somehow I have to reconcile this in my mind and I think God gave me a way I can do it. Despite the punishments that were brought into the world because we sinned, God is going to work through even these, the things that make us pine and say, “But it wasn’t supposed to be this way.” And just like he did with the death of Jesus, he is working these out for our good.

Like God makes something beautiful out of even the worst things. And like I have also heard it said, we gain more in Christ than we lost in Adam. Meaning, whatever beauty, whatever status, whatever love and desire I once had in Eden is only magnified and multiplied in our marriage to Christ. To submit to my husband is an act of faith in Christ and his promise of redemptive work in the world. This for sure I can gladly do.

Because somehow God will use me, he will bless me, and cherish me. Marriage between man and wife is for this world only because this is the world where God is working redemption. In marriage I am somehow a part of this work. So all of that makes me happy because I don’t have to fight to be heard anymore and even if the teachers and pastors get things wrong there is now enough good that I can in love overlook it.

I’ve suddenly launched back into another intense phase of nesting. It’s like my brain just turned on with all the things that need thinking about and doing while my son is completely not thinking about any of this. I know he talks to Laura through the day and they do talk about things. But I’m talking about more of the mom things like realizing he doesn’t have any kind of dresser and telling Laura we’ll rent a U-haul to move them.

The basement just needs to be embraced as it is right now. Spending time down there again cleaning under the guest bed made me realize how much I actually love my basement when it’s clean. Sometimes I neglect things so much and then wonder why it looks like things are falling apart. Or if I can’t get my new carpet to replace the carpet that is 30 years old I just give up and figure I can’t have a nice place with carpet like that.

But today showed me I can. My books are almost all narrowed down again and my school wall is back to its happy cheery self. I figured out today too that when you have a big box of dryer sheets from Sam’s it makes the entire room smell like fresh laundry. I currently have one upstairs and downstairs so I’m going to see how it works for when I leave the house and come back. I like being productive and having organized spaces.

Laura asked if I wanted to go paddle boarding with her after class. She’s been very sweet about including me in things and seeming like she’s interested in having a relationship. To be honest she talks to me more than my son does. When her mom could not go with her to her dress fitting, she asked if I’d want to go along with her.

So I rearranged my schedule so I could go. I feel like the wedding is my focus right now, like I need to be thinking and working a little bit everyday to make sure my part in this gets done and completed. Today I was thinking about the sound system that will be needed for the piano and special music. This needs to be arranged.

The boys and I organized homeschool books in the basement. Instead of getting new carpet I may have convinced Josh to let the camp buy a heavy duty air purifier that according to my sister’s experience, would help with any smells. It would even be cheaper than the $1,700 we spent on the upstairs flooring but weren’t reimbursed for.

We had a good Father’s Day yesterday. One of the boys was confirmed and my sister-in-law and her family happened to be in town. So they joined us for a supper the night before and we planned to have lunch the next day after church. One of my nieces was on a field trip to Washington D.C. but everyone else was there. They left after lunch to get back to St. Louis and we left soon after to get back to be ready for camp.

I heard from several places today about my internship emails. All of them were not taking interns at the time except for the partial hospitalization program through Memorial Behavioral Health where I did my practicum hours. He said I could come back and said to get back with him once I’d filled out the greater system requirements. I filled out my student request form and have to wait now for them to get back to me.

I had two clients today at Thrive. Both of the sessions went really well. I felt like in each of the sessions we were connecting and flowing. I love when they come in, sit down, and jump right into talking like it’s the most normal thing in the world. The question, “So how have you been?” leads right into anything and everything. It made me wish or feel hopeful that maybe something could still end up working out there after all.

I sent out like six or seven calls and emails today trying to find a different internship site. I heard back from one place so far and he said they didn’t have any spots at the moment. Group was fine this morning and Wednesday and is the best part of being there. But the lingering in limbo day after day and sitting in the awkwardness of trying to get hours but having nothing to do even when I’m trying to do things is too much.

There is no sense in trying to talk this out with him again. The issue is the massive (internal) attraction I’m skirting around and not anything he is doing or not doing. Water seeks its own level and I’m sitting in the group room like yeah, can’t you see it? That’s why I am here. That is the story I am telling myself, that I was brought to you, and now we can be these paired spiritual healers leading our nature and trauma circle rituals.

We have elite-level powers. How weird would that have been to say? But seriously, I also found out that the rumor is true and he is planning on moving to Florida in two years. That is not enough time for me to get all of the hours and supervision needed to get my LCPC so we can train students together. I still want to use my somatic practitioner training but however perfect this place was, it wasn’t perfect enough to unfold in reality.

So that’s been kind of disappointing and stressful. I feel like I’ve failed at two internship sites but I’m hoping it will work out however it’s meant to. A few things I’ve learned from my various clinical experiences: 1) I love busy environments, 2) I prefer being part of a multi-practitioner team, and 3) Individual therapy isn’t necessarily my strong suit, or at least is not the sole thing I’d want to do, and 4) Hot, intuitive men are my kryptonite.

I feel like those things are still good lessons. So anyway I came home and took a nap and stayed in bed for a while emailing and thinking about this. I got up and Josh and the boys were making pizza. Ethan was with Laura, Elianna with friends, and the next one came home with a friend who is spending the night to say they were eating then going to get some food with camp people. I’m hoping for us to play a game with the boys.

I texted Laura’s mom to see if she was up for a visit. She’s a week out from her knee replacement surgery and is recovering nicely with Laura there helping her. Before I left, I said goodbye to the nurse and her husband until the next time. This is her 20th year anniversary being the camp nurse for Joyful Hearts. I feel like we should’ve gotten her a plaque or something. There’s those people you just love and appreciate so much.

Laura wants to make her own cakes for the wedding. Bless her heart, her parents’ basement has basically become the wedding laboratory for assembling bouquets, crafting table decorations, sketching beautiful lettering and artwork onto thrifted frames and glass, embroidering her and Ethan’s reception shoes, and whatever else. She showed me the gifts that people have already started sending from the registry.

So that got me kind of excited about things. I’ve been feeling kind of frustrated that she’s doing so much of the work, including the calling and texting for the ongoing apartment hunting. He told me today that there may have been a breakthrough in their search because a woman called back and said a 1-bedroom apartment was opening up in July. I’d texted Laura another one I’d found online yesterday. She’d already applied.

Her grandma gave her a box full of hand-sewn home decor. There were fall and spring and fourth of July table runners. I started to get emotional when she pulled out the quilted and colorful birthday sign. They would have a sign like we did, and I felt a warm glow of memory, like I had done something right and created years of memories and rituals that would now be carried forth into the future to be weaved into new ones.

I was kind of mad at myself on the way home. I have this wonderful life with this man I share kids with along with this cute little love story. Why am I not happier about all of this more of the time? I don’t know, I could hear myself say it and see the truth there. The explaining, the educating, the giving up and quitting trying. But every once in a while I will hear something, like when he says we’re basically each other’s only friend.

Last night I drove to Lincoln to sit in the parking lot of my old school. I’d originally planned to go to Williamsville to stop at the Subway for something other than camp food. But once I was that far I was close enough to the exit only 14ish miles further and decided to go to the Jimmy Johns I’d sometimes go to if I had enough time before class.

The name of our building was Restoration Hall. I remember seeing that name and feeling like it was a sign from God to me, assuring me this would be a healing place to come back from the damage that had accrued in my life. I ate my sandwich and called my aunt and told her it’d been four months since grandma had died. She’d forgotten.

That day, but had remembered earlier this week. I remember mostly when I cannot call her. So I sat outside of Restoration Hall in my van and heard about Tim who’d found another friend and was seeing her now. Before that Tim had called my aunt daily for months, surprised her with a visit, and endured being just friends with her for a while.

But eventually that was not what he was ultimately looking for. So that was kind of a bummer but it’s the way that it goes. It was nice while it lasted and fun to hear her old stories. After that I drove home where the evening activity was hayrack rides for the campers. I waved to Dad and one of the boys as I drove by. The others were outside.

I went in to hang out with the nurse who was still upset from the morning med pass. She was setting up the men’s pills to be ready the next morning so I started on setting up for the women. Ethan asked if I could give him his camper’s meds first and I said yes. After bedtime meds were done and morning ones too, I walked home and went to sleep.