I love Christmas so much. Christmas Eve was a good day. The girls and I spent the morning cooking getting ready for the evening and breakfast Christmas morning. My parents and brother arrived around two. My brother had really pushed to make Christmas Eve an event. Because he is my brother and because he was the baby for so long, he knows that I have a weakness for him where his wish is basically my command.

We made more food when they got here and around 5PM started eating it. People weren’t terribly hungry but we snacked until it was time to go for the light show. The parking spaces were full but we parked on the side of the road and could still see. We left early in order to make it for church. Josh gave his final sermon as the assistant pastor at the church. It was emotional but I didn’t have much time to think about it.

Before that we had almost gotten into a fight. Elianna was gone spending the evening with Miles. So we were taking care of Zorro and took him out for a walk. While we were walking I said something about needing his help a little later to wrap presents. He said something about just wanting to be lazy and next year we’re going to have everything done by the 15th. My bubble was momentarily popped at this break in momentum.

I said if something happens to me and next year he is in charge of Christmas then he can do it that way if he wants to, but this is how I do Christmas. It is likely not going to change and is just who I am as a person. My mood descended because up until this moment I’d been thinking he was having nearly as much fun as I was and was my happy assistant along for the Christmas ride. I wasn’t tired yet but eventually would be.

Well anyway, it did hurt, but in a little time I realized he’d been helping me this whole time without complaint and responds positively to my asks 99% of the time. So he said he was sorry and didn’t want bitterness to ruin Christmas. I thanked him for saying that and told him what I said about the 99%. So later it was just me wrapping and setting things out and resetting the kitchen at 4AM. I enjoyed the time, reflecting on many gifts.

Christmas morning was nice and my parents, brother, and Uncle Glenn were here again. My parents gave me a card for graduation. We had a nice meal and everyone ate in the living room. To me family gatherings seem less awkward that way. I’d bought a game at Barnes & Noble called The Hygge Game. It is a card game where you ask the people around you questions, so we did that. Everyone participated and had a chance.

By the afternoon our guests had left and by the later afternoon I was starting to miss them. My dad had just been saying how the Christmas let down hits around 4PM. I didn’t think I related to that anymore, and it never really felt like a letdown. It was more just a sadness that the time had passed and was over, combined with a gratitude for the sweet time it had been. My brother and I texted each other about it around 4PM.

The rest of the evening was just us hanging out. Elianna was at Miles’ family Christmas for a while and the rest of us played a game she had gotten for Ethan and Laura. Zorro watched from the deck and barked through the window. He likes to be part of the activities when there is some. When she got home we were going to watch a Christmas movie but we didn’t end up doing that. Instead we talked and laughed at Hoyleton videos.

We needed to make one more trip into town. One of the boys’ stockings was significantly lacking compared to the others. The one son who hadn’t had any gift ideas was just going to get what he got, plus his gift cards, but I couldn’t go through with it and bought him a new dice stash to replace the one that had gradually dwindled throughout the years. Dad found a nice wooden box where they can be stored.

I also wanted a few more things for the girls. We went to Barnes & Noble, Target, and Ross. The rug I was going back for to put in the guest room had been purchased by someone else, so we went to Lowe’s and I found one I liked there even if it was twice as much. It rounded out nicely the guest room and added that touch of coziness that a nice rug can bring. We found a few things to do together for activities while on break.

So everyone is good on their gifts now. It cracks me up because the last minute Dec. 23rd trip is just the way it always goes, it doesn’t matter if you plan. I think we still stayed within the realm of it being small. The stockings allow for more wiggle room in that area. The snow has pretty much melted except for the remaining trunk and base of the snowman. Elianna found recipes for Grinch heads and a reindeer cheeseball.

It can take a long time for troubled situations to come to light. I spoke with a former friend and thanked her for helping a woman in such a situation. I meant it genuinely. But behind it was the memory of many years hiding and being unseen. One time I was so upset, I took off my clothes and slouched down in a corner. My hands became like the paws of a lion ravenously swiping at my body. By the end I was covered in marks and scratches.

I felt like I had made a special kind of art. Here was an outlet for my pain that wouldn’t hurt me. If no one else could see it, if no one else cared, if no one else knew, I would at least not be a liar showing up as I had been. I was inflamed. I was marred. I was letting my pain be seen in a visible form and not just something that was coming out audibly. I felt proud of my body and the will that had harmed it, like I had finally shown up as my true self.

The marks retreated and healed. They were like laser beams crossing over this way and that way. I can still see their angles and feel the amazement at the amount of them and the wonder that I was capable of making such beauty. It’s nobody’s fault for being blind to the struggles and I have no place to hold a debt over anyone. Even now as I write I can feel an odd change, like more of me has been freed to love deeper, without hurting.

My “Ethan & LauraK” text rang up with a reply. I’d given them the rundown on the general Christmas Eve/Christmas Day plans. They are planning to arrive either the 23rd or 24th and stay until the summer staff camp reunion on the 27th. The night of the 28th they will stay with her parents and the next morning head down to Waco for their week long visit with her mom’s side of the family. It’s a lot of traveling away from home.

I do not remember being stressed by the travels as newlyweds. We looked forward to holidays and visiting families. It was nothing to stay for a week and for years there were still plenty of siblings at home. One of the benefits of school and not having adult jobs was that you still had these tremendously long breaks where you could be gone for weeks on end. One of the boys prayed that Christmas break would seem very long.

My mother-in-law and sister-in-law and family plus her in-laws made it down to Miami where they boarded their cruise ship. Last we checked they were somewhere near Cuba. I keep trying to think of who else I could invite to come over for Christmas. My brother will be here, my parents, Uncle Glenn and the rest of us. I called my sister but they are staying put and then visiting her in-laws. I’m looking forward to the time.

Everyone is officially on break for Christmas. I don’t know why, after all of the breaks of feeling so miserable on them, that I thought this one would be any different. January still seems so far away and the job that I do have weighs more and more on me. I talked to my nursing boss about different options for scheduling. After this weekend I do not want to do two days anymore. I need a role with more community and peer groups.

The countdown continues for Christmas and getting things ready. It’s working out to where the kids will have their stockings plus one other gift, or an extra one if something didn’t fit in their stocking. I feel like this could be the start of a new tradition. Josh and I were out shopping yesterday battling the crowds and looking for more things to stuff stockings with. I passed by the toy boxes on display and smiled. That was so fun.

I think I am getting too old to go crazy, at least in several of its forms, with the mass buying of presents for sure being one of them. Even if we have grandkids I am not going to do it. I picked up some Christmas paper plates for Christmas Eve. Josh and the boys cleaned the house while I was shopping on Thursday. I had told him with housework that it was like I’d been on life-support and the plug had been pulled. It looks so great.

Would you believe that after all of that with my grid, I never even got to see what my grade was? He never posted it. The only feedback I received was when we were going around saying things that we appreciated about our classmates. He said he appreciated how I leaned in and made a genuine effort. How I could’ve just done done my grid and gotten by and been fine. I appreciated him noticing and saying that because I did try.

So I guess that’ll be enough. The greater lesson was not in getting or achieving the grade. I stood up and spoke and explained how I’d been waiting all semester for the perfect video clip to show of my theory. How I felt like I would know it when I saw it, that it would eventually come, and I would feel confident that this was it. But what happened instead was I had to take the footage I had, watch it again, and find the theory there.

And as much as I wanted to have that homerun moment that was wowing the masses, the kind of moment it seemed like other students did have with their videos, it didn’t happen, or if it did, I didn’t know. Instead I just stood up there and explained it all, this whole story. That the point of this was not wowing or being better, that this was where I was as my “self-in-process”. That it really was about the regular consistent moments.

Today was a productive day, even if it got off to a slow start. The boys have finals this week and we decided to reinstate the family Y membership. For a while it’s just been me and the older kids but now all of us are on there again. We were there for about an hour doing our own workout things. I’d hardly consider what I did as a workout. I did the arm straps that hang from the wall, the recumbent bike, and walked for a while.

We heard of a pastor’s family going through some serious difficulties. This put a damper on the day. I’ve said this before, but there’s the age of weddings when people marrying. Then there is time of babies and more babies and child rearing. Now there is this age of people divorcing or separating or having decades of problems demanding solutions. This seems to be the path that most of us are on unless somehow God intervenes.

I saw an Instagram post from a man who was known for his writings on manhood and strength. Some of his most popular posts were about marriage and helping women understand men and vise versa. He’s been MIA for over a year after being infrequent in his posting due to a serious illness he could find no cure for. His return post included the story of how God has healed him, and the processing of his wife filing for divorce.

At the end he mentions how he’s seeing someone new, a person he reconnected with that he knew from his teen years. And even though all of this has been terrible and his own kind of hell and humbling, he’s the happiest he’s ever been. I’m glad that those stories exist for some people. The first spouse is often the unfortunate guinea pig and receptor of all of the immaturity and stupidity of the two who have never done this.

I say all this openly. I just feel like there has to be room for the stories of the people who learned and made it work, who found happiness and friendship in their personal and romantic lives without it causing confusion and disappointment for many others. I want marriage to actually make me holy, and not have it be the place for my absolute worst shown sins and behaviors. The path is difficult and long but I am not giving up.

Apparently I have nothing much to say about these days. I’ve finally reached the point where Advent doesn’t feel like this massive to-do list with runaway times. I do not even know how to fathom this, but I have almost felt bored, looking at the calendar and thinking how is it only December 15th? I should’ve asked Hope if I could start earlier. Josh says just to enjoy the down time and I know he is right.

Well so when that hasn’t been happening we’ve been enjoying the days. Elianna was here for the weekend while my mother-in-law was in St. Louis. We decorated the tree and had our annual snack night. Miles’ family invited her to an orchestra concert in Springfield and she wore my black Christmas dress that I used to wear for the Christmas Eve church service. She wore my leggings and heart necklace.

Tonight we drove around and looked at the lights again. Josh made supper and took the boys to the grocery store. He’s trying to use vacation days that didn’t get used. I gave him two ideas that included healthy whole foods and reminders to get the staple bananas and apples. I stayed in my bed, still recovering from sleeplessness and simple joys. Dad and the boys went down to the lake and made angels.

Your sparkly strings
make me happy
Even when
you were tangled
and stuck to my hands
I always wanted
to be you
to be reborn
inside you
where I could sparkle
and capture the time

Joyful Hearts Christmas was cancelled due to snow. The kids had a snow that was called last night. This sent them to bed with excitement and peace. The whole house slept in. I spent the morning uploading time logs and filling out final evaluations. I have one remaining assignment, the one that is supposed to be something like a case conceptualization. It is due the 17th but hopefully I can make myself do it tomorow.

My heart has had that achy feeling throughout most of the week. I think it’s all related to school. I called the doctor’s office yesterday to get refill on my xanax prescription since I had none left. I can take a half dose and it helps the ache. The nurse called back to say that I hadn’t been in for a check-up since last November and it has to be within the past year. I told her I had been to other doctor visits since then this year.

Being told that I needed to come in for a $400 doctor’s visit in order to obtain a less than $3 prescription refill did not sit well with me. I told her that I just couldn’t do that right now. She said she would tell him. The healthcare situation is getting out of control in terms of affordability and cost. I do not know what the answer is but if I ever do have my own counseling practice someday I do not plan to include third party payers.

A few hours later I received a call from Walgreens saying my prescription was ready. I could’ve hugged the doctor or at least written him a thank you note. When you’re a nurse and now a therapist and you can’t even access basic health care maintenance things without having to jump through hoops, there’s a problem. This is what the practitioner-patient relationship is for, so you can truly know people and help them.

Josh and I were in town and stopped by to pick it up. He said he thought he needed to try some to see what it does. I told him I didn’t think he’d be able to feel much because you have to have at least some level of neurosis to be calmed. Since more snow is expected tomorrow we went ahead and took the kids to get a tree tonight. We found a small Charlie Brown one for exactly $30. We brought it home and I absolutely love it.