“In a word, our holiness is in heaven, where Christ is; and not in the world, before men’s eyes, like goods in the market place.”
~Martin Luther, Treasury of Daily Prayer~

I woke up to a text from Arya saying the supervisor wasn’t there and also asking if we had group. It was 8:50. Then she said he was there now and I told her I’d slept in and would be there as soon as I could. It was her turn to lead group. I was out the door in six minutes and was mistaken for a drunkard by the new woman who was there today. Not to use crass language, but there are differing levels of drunks.

What I mean is that some have a more advanced or severe stage of the disease, if you use the disease model. This is something I’ve observed. I’d observed it so much that when one woman was trying to tell me she had a drinking problem I almost didn’t believe her because what she was describing seemed nowhere near as bad or deadly as some of the other things I’ve heard. Even so, she meets the criteria.

I would recommend AA for several reasons. The accountability, the support, and perhaps most important, the repeated shame-reducing experience of being accepted by a group of people. The way addictions are fought are through connections with others. If that connection doesn’t happen, although I should never say never, it pretty much means that recovery is an impossibility. And each time it occurs is a miracle.

Today was a good day of shopping and prepping. Miles and Elianna met us at the house around 9:30. From there the five of us drove into town for another Aldi trip. The Thanksgiving meal is the last thing I plan since it’s its own separate thing and is basically the same every year. We spent around $286 at Aldi which put our food total at just under $800. From there we went to Country Market for the rest of the odds and ends.

So by the time that was over we had hit around $850. We picked up a bag of meatballs and tomato sauce for lunch and came home and made rice to go with it. Miles had suggested the meatballs. I still have bags of Covid rice downstairs and in our back office. We’re using some of the rice for Thanksgiving time as well as some of the 50lbs of oats I packed up and saved, I don’t even remember how many pounds it was down there.

It’s all still good though. Dad has some visits to do in the afternoon while the kids and I worked in the kitchen. Everyone was very helpful. Elianna is a natural in the kitchen and knows exactly what to do. I have many memories of us working together for holidays. She and Miles left to go spend supper with his family and for supper here we had some of the food I’d made for later. Every year I feel like we get a better handle on things.

Laura’s mom called and asked if I’d heard from the kids. They weren’t supposed to be coming until Monday night, but they’d texted her and told her to guess where they were headed. I’d told her I’d texted Ethan briefly that morning. I’d remembered they were on break now, was he excited to come home? Yeah, he said, and that was all I’d heard.

She texted me around 6 to let me know they’d gotten there a few minutes ago. She’d told me we could come over and be there too to surprise them. I said I had to work tonight, but that I wouldn’t say anything to anybody in case he was trying to surprise us somehow. Later I heard he’d texted the boys so they could meet after school to run.

Lol. There comes a point where I can’t make any more lists or focus and I will just have to say “Okay, we need things for the charcuterie board and whatever people come back with will do.” Crackers. Grapes. I don’t care. The Monday teacher cancelled class (I love this teacher so much) so I do not have to worry about that. I’m getting excited for people to come and I just love being with my family and am so thankful for them.

For many years I found myself very triggered by Thanksgiving. There was someone I always inevitably ended up in conflict with. If there was a conflict, it was a fairly sure thing that I was involved. It’s a pattern I started to notice as years went on. Not always, but often. One year I was asked to contribute by bringing toilet paper for the family.

I was already driving five hours with five kids and a pastor husband responsible for Thanksgiving services and being at church on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Was it too much to ask to have a little relief by not being asked to do, sacrifice, or bring any more? Could I not just expect to have my basic needs for bathroom items like toilet paper met?

Then there was the year I felt extremely resented for dancing to Justin Bieber in the kitchen before heading out to meet a blog friend. The other women were prepping the food. I was still in “I deserve this break” mode. Most of my siblings didn’t even have kids yet. What would they know about responsibilities and having to be “on” constantly?

It always bothered me that no one seemed to be like, “Wow, Beck, you’re incredible. How are you even functioning right now?” I guess this is all just normal life? To me it felt Herculean and more than normal, but what did I know. And why was I so mad that no one seemed to acknowledge it? It’s definitely a life goal to be free at last from that curse.

Because there’s so much happiness when you really are free from it. So much room for joy to come in and fill up your soul with contentment and gratitude. Your eyes are squinted not because you’re old, but because there’s a permanent smile that lives there. How is it that we are both so precious and dear and yet so free to be the lovers.

We ate and made a lot of food today. After the older boys left for school Dad took Elianna to get the oil changed in her car. She was going to try to YouTube it and do it herself but we convinced her not to do that. While they were out I gathered my recipes and wrote a list. I had two full pages of items by the time they came home. From there the four of us headed out to do a big portion of the Thanksgiving grocery shopping.

I am past the stressed stage and moving into the excitement. The peaceful, grounded, stable kind. We’re into the gloomy phase of November so I’ve been making sure to keep the lights and fall tree plugged in inside. I love seeing leaves all over the ground. There are so many out here you wouldn’t believe. I don’t think I’ve ever really paid attention to when they actually disappear. I just know that by the summer they are no longer there.

We take advantage of the kitchen storage at camp. I have dreams of painting the CGC and dining hall kitchens this winter. The dining hall especially would be a big project. Elianna and I were complimented for the cleaning work we’d done in the kitchen. It needed to be done before certain weekend groups came. So that was nice that work had served it’s purpose, which was to make a better experience for the people coming.

The neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up. I went inside and told Dad and the kids that they had to come see them so they did. We call them “the rich neighbors” because they have a huge house with horses. Dad said not to call them that. But anyway everyone came out and it was kind of fun because outside it was pitch black and yet we all were walking through the pine trees toward the road to see the lights.

Then we stood at the road in what felt like one of those innocent movie family moments. Casper had followed us and one of the boys picked him up and cradled him saying, “Aw, Dip, you’re such a good boy”. We were walking back and I pulled out my phone because I was thinking there’d be puddles. There weren’t, but at least we could see. It poured the other day in the afternoon for just a very short time.

I’m feeling more and more relieved as I’m checking off my assignments. In the morning I had group where I had to lead my group session. I hadn’t been ready any of the earlier times but I’d reached the point where I felt comfortable doing it without resistance. The second presentation was later in the evening for our research methods class. Our group went and finished within the ten minute time frame.

The morning started with a little bit of drama. The boys were getting ready for school and one of them called from the bathroom to have me come in there. Casper had pushed the vent/light covering out from the ceiling and was trying to climb into the bathroom from the attic. He and Tom have been staying out there since it’s colder at night. It took us about twenty minutes to get him back through the ceiling and out from the garage.

The boys call him “Dip” which is growing on me. They call Zorro “Bo” which is cute. There was a new person at group who was looking to re-home two cats, but I told him I could not take any more. People think it’s crazy to have so many cats but I tell them you hardly have to do any work for them. I honestly don’t understand why people don’t have more themselves. Some people are allergic so that I get.

I told him I’d play the counselor role. No I don’t like talking in front of people. Or it’s more like I tend to get incredibly nervous. But let’s be real, at this point, I’m supposed to be beyond some of this discomfort and more sure of myself. So he would be the client and I would be the counselor and we would do a 15 minute portion of a session in front of the class. From there the class would practice writing a case note.

Tradd has been the fictional client for the past couple of weeks. He’s a 20-something white male college student getting ready to finish his undergraduate degree. I’ve only had one client close to this demographic and I found him to be the most difficult one. There are clients where they are the ones who lead the session and you struggle at times to get a word in. Then there are ones where you struggle to get the words out.

Before we started I told him, that if I get stuck, I need him to help me. So that was the deal I thought we had. Somewhere in the middle, when he was talking about being a failure, all I had was a blankness. This teacher wants emotional processing. I looked at Tradd and said “help me”. I felt confused that he did not then feed me a line. All he said was, “Keep going. Failure. Just stay with me.” I don’t remember the rest.

I feel like I should have a handle by now on the end of the year/semester and holiday stress. It just feels like a relentless stack of tasks that does not disappear until the middle of January. On top of that is my work boss texting me saying my CPR card is going to expire and I am behind on my annual computer-based in-service trainings. I told her I’m not going to have time to get in there to do it for another few weeks.

We had our research project meeting on Sunday and it did not go the way I would’ve chosen, but I guess I ultimately chose it. I’m having stress because we used ChatGPT on the assignment. I feel like we could integrate terms from our multicultural class and see this as a form of assimilation. I had never even touched this tool until the other day. To fail in the eleventh hour because of such a bottom of the totem pole class and assignment over a breach of academic integrity would just be the stupidest.

Thanksgiving is coming up and every year I feel the weight of putting this on, because I am the blessed one with connection to affordable and big enough venue access. I know how important this is, how it is creating connections and experiences that give greater meaning to our lives. The other thing is my videos have not been HIPPA compliant. I’m completely out of excuses. I did my best but/and I still broke the rules.

It’s that time of year when growth demands change. The boys were tasked with taking every coat and sweatshirt off of the entryway hooks and sorting them into piles of keep or not keep. I fold their clothes and don’t know whose underwear belongs to who anymore or whose shirts are what person’s. I definitely wasn’t going to be able to figure out the coats and the abundance of hooded items. Several bags were packed up.

So Dad, the boys, and I headed into town to find again the needed items. Elianna met us there. We looked around in Goodwill and it isn’t the same. There was not a rack of used coats to be found. I did find one thinner sweatshirt in the Christmas clothing section. It was colored a faded soft red with the word LOVE across the chest. The O was a Christmas tree. Next we drove to Sierra where two of the boys found cozy and quality winter coats. There are the coats for going out and then the coats for snow playing.

After that we went to Walmart. Target would’ve been nicer and not so hard on the nerves, but the priority in this case was saving money. Another coat was found along with two pairs of dress pants. Believe it or not everyone needed dress pants again. Dad reminded them why they are needed, because it’s good to look nice sometimes. We bought whipped cream and hot chocolate mix to bring home and enjoy the evening.