I had a new client today at Pepper Brown. It seems like I just started but it’s been over a month. It’s been nice to have my familiar clients while also waiting for other ones. I am not in a huge rush and she does not seem pressured to have us working or producing. These are the ins and outs that I am learning. The girl I saw is younger after I told the boss there that I was open to seeing kids. She is a kid therapy person and gets a lot of referrals for seeing children which is a hot market these days.

So I enjoyed meeting with her and we will see how it works out. I tried to give an impression with mom that I make no promises with this but that I’m also willing to give it a try. I am only there on Tuesdays and if that’s not going to work then this is not going to work. She will have to come afternoons after summer and while that is not my current preference I am open to things changing to where that can be arranged. Insurance is a pain but it’s going to be nice to be getting paid now.

We all went to the lake today. Miles and Elianna were going to swim the lake during the time between the day camp and regular camp swim sessions. So I went down to be the lifeguard. I started out on my paddleboard and as they were getting started I said I totally could’ve just swam with them. Elianna had warned me that they were attempting to do a fast swim so it maybe wasn’t the best time. But then she convinced me to jump off the paddleboard and swim with them.

After a while I realized that my duties were split and that I could not successfully be the lifeguard and also keep up with them. At least not swimming. They’d gotten far enough ahead of me that I couldn’t catch up so instead I decided to turn around and swim back to my paddleboard which I’d abandoned in the water. I needed to set a better example. If I’m ever going to do my river swims I’m going to do it with a boat or kayak alongside of me. It was a small ordeal to climb back onto it.

But in no time I was back gliding across the water. By then they were on their way back. I saw a turtle pass by below me and kept a reasonable distance between me and the swimmers. They completed the swim in just under the goal time of fifteen minutes. For the rest of the break we stayed in the swim area. I eventually took the paddleboard and went back by myself. I put the paddle down and let the water simply be there moving me toward the shore.

I love going to church now. It’s this family thing we do together and I feel like I am learning and reflecting on the teachings. We picked up Danny from Sherman and drove the rest of the way to church. It was a busy weekend of multiple camps being here from around the Midwest. I really needed the weekend days to catch up on housework and actual rest, so that’s what I did. There was a church service in the outdoor chapel Saturday evening so the boys slept in Sunday morning.

The pastor has been doing a sermon series on suffering. The first one was about the cause of suffering. The second was on the goal of suffering. The last was about the necessity of suffering. He says it a lot better but basically suffering is the actual way we know God and that we cannot know him apart from it. One of the passages read was Hebrews 2:10, “For it was fitting that he (I’m assuming he is the Father), for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory (“that’s us”), should make the founder of their salvation (“that’s Jesus”) perfect through suffering.”

The italicized words were the pastor explaining it. So it’s not that Jesus wasn’t morally perfect and without sin, he was blameless. But something about him was not complete until he had actually gone to the cross. Jesus on the cross was the Father’s love on display in a way that confused and disoriented even many of his followers (somewhere he read about the men on the road to Emmaus). But Jesus basically says it had to happen this way. Because this was God’s will and his will prevailed.

Ethan and Laura are in Houston for a family wedding. They flew out Friday morning from St. Louis after her parents switched their tickets from Thursday evening. All of these wedding travel expenses they have covered for them. Laura’s newly married brother and his wife from Brazil are doing great and flew in Friday from California. Laura’s sister from Indiana came in with her boyfriend who we are becoming those people who keep asking if there are any known plans for them to get engaged soon.

Laura is the only one who didn’t go into Lutheran churchwork. Right now Ethan is still doing secondary education with an emphasis in math. I’m happy with this except with the wondering of how they will financially support themselves. On a pastor’s salary including this one it was always enough because we had a bump for housing which included a house where we pay none of the house bills. This week there is a guy who is scheduled to come and look at the basement leaks.

The closer it gets to the due date the more emotional I am getting. Not like in an excessive unmanagable way. I’m scared of everything that could go wrong of course. It seems like fear has always been a part of my life, extremely more than anger or sadness. Like it can just bring me to tears at times, but apparently so can talking about it. After camp we’re planning to bring a car load with the rest of the baby stuff so she can have time to get it set up and organized before the birth.

The boys and I went out to pick up the pizza for supper. I was in a worship and praising mood. Josh had ordered everything so all we had to do was make the rounds. First stop was the gas station where we found a pump that worked and roasted in the car while we went from E to F. Then we stopped by Ricco’s to pick up my salad. I drove down the road singing Wes King and Mercy Me. I tried to remember songs that I used to belt when I was in high school or college.

I love singing when the songs are precisely in my range. I had them play Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts because even though it’s a song about earthly love (I assume) to me it’s always been about God and the love we have with him. I felt so joyful and free. When Katrina was driving from Colorado to here she kept sending videos of herself singing and belting praise songs. She had an incredibly beautiful and powerful voice. I was thinking of her and felt like her.

I really ought to do that more, the singing and not just the listening. I just love not caring what people think and being bold to love in the way it feels right to me which many times is through feeling almost like a child in the things I say and the way I sing. It reminded me of simpler times when the boys were smaller, before the days of running hundreds of miles and driving tractors. It wasn’t ruined by me going with them or driving. To them it had been merely a chore.

If only I’d been an alcoholic, I would’ve had so many options of meetings to attend when I was looking for groups. It still blows my mind to think that all that time there were meetings happening every day, multiple times a day, all around Springfield. At one point you could have your choice of over a 100 meetings a week that were offered. All that was needed to attend was a desire to stop drinking.

He never relapsed. That has to be hard when you’re surrounded by people who can’t even get through a week or a day. Or get through for months and then give up or give in. One time he told me and whoever else was in there that all it takes is one pretty waitress batting her eyes and all of a sudden they’re getting married and having kids and all she was doing was just doing her job.

So I know men experience these kinds of things too. I think what I miss most is his gaze. There was something so soft and lingering about it that I would notice when he would not look at me and I eventually wondered if it was because he was trying to avoid the at least five day involuntary internal memory and disruption. There a difference between being deliberate and being intentional which I never did.

One of the receptionists was fired today for being a difficult person. I guess multiple staff members and clients had complained. It is kind of weird that so many people have either left or now been fired since I’ve been there. I thought she was nice and didn’t have any problems with her. One of the counselors is now back from maternity leave and is only going to work two days a week instead of four. This made me happy because it means they’re being flexible. I feel like this is a good job for a mom.

Today I saw a weekly couple that I inherited from another therapist. They are both so miserable I have no idea how they’re still together. Today we talked about forgiveness and canceling the debt. Even though their problems are deep they are not difficult to be with. I kind of feel inspired by their persistence and dedication and feel like if they’re willing to keep coming then I am willing to keep trying with them. It’s like we’re in this for the long haul and might as well just settle in and get comfortable.

I have no idea if writing about any of this is a violation. I really hope it’s not because I don’t want to get in trouble. Our teachers used to talk about clients all the time but never did use their names. I should clarify and say the teachers at Lincoln used to do this. It was one of my favorite parts about class when they’d tell their stories. The UIS professors very rarely talked about their personal counseling experience. But the Lincoln professors were older and had decades of experiences between them.

In the Wind
sung by Lord Huron

You’ve been gone for a long long time
You’ve been in the wind, you’ve been on my mind
You are the purest soul I’ve ever known in my life

Take your time, let the rivers guide you in
You know where you can find me again
I’ll be waiting here ’til the stars fall out of the sky

When you left I was far too young
To know you’re worth more than the moon and the sun
You are still alive when I look to the sky in the night

I would wait for a thousand years
I would sit right here by the lake, my dear
You just let me know that you’re coming home
And I’ll wait for you

Years have gone but the pain is the same
I have passed my days by the sound of your name
Well they say that you’re gone and that I should move on
I wonder: how do they know, baby?

Death is a wall but it can’t be the end
You are my protector and my best friend
Well they say that you’re gone and that I should move on
I wonder: how do they know, baby?
How do they know? Well, they don’t

I’m currently reading parts of the book Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. She’s supposed to be one of the best couples therapists in the entire world. The hard professor at Lincoln was very private about personal information but the ones who took her intensives were told that she uses Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy with her couples. And that’s what she was modeling to us so many times in our group and family classes. Something about all this therapy lately has got me spooked.

I had a really weird experience last week where a couple came in that I did not know. Except because of another couple I’d seen before (it was not a referral), I felt like I knew them. They were characters in a story that had suddenly come to life. They had bodies and faces and a similar story with real emotions. Because my filter is not really there I told my supervisor that I didn’t think I could work with this couple, because I already knew too much about them that they did not tell me.

It would come out somehow, I was certain of it. So they’re supposed to get transferred to the new lady who has come on to help with the marriage clients, which I am happy for now. I was just feeling kind of overwhelmed and vulnerable about the whole thing. You notice the ones who cancel repeatedly (more than once) and it doesn’t feel particularly uplifting if they’re also one of the ones you don’t feel an easier connection with. At some point people will figure out and know who I am.

And that will make them uncomfortable and the whole thing will be weird. It may have already happened at least once with a mom who was in a homeschool group where we had mutual friends (“friends”, more like acquaintances). Anyway, this is a small enough town where people know people and I really don’t want to turn into this hermit who’s afraid to go out places because I don’t want to see people. It’s been like that at several events this summer. Part of that is just the needing space.

I feel like It is time to be switching gears into “almost August”. August means school is starting again, camp is over, and we’re looking ahead into the fall. The plan is to homeschool the youngest again, have two at the high school, one finishing up his senior year of college, and I’m still not sure what Elianna is doing. Her credits from the online program do not transfer to the community college which has removed any sense of intent or motivation to try and finish up a two year degree.

I partly blame myself for this for not being more involved in the process. With the first two kids I have this dance, where I keep trying to figure out where my say is and how much of it I have. With the others they just hear it and there is no overthinking or even too much resistance. Whether it’s missing registration for AP tests or not being on top of certain scholarship applications, there are just parts of this college thing with kids that I would definitely do over or learn to not do again.

Raising children is difficult. I don’t know if justified is the right word, but for a long time it’s like I felt justified in my ignorance when it came to anything related to being a grown-up. If I didn’t know it’s because nobody taught me. If I was behind it’s because I didn’t have the help that other people had to help them get ahead. I could get tangled up in the loss of this but what it leads me instead to do is to keep walking humbly before God and others, however much you can use that word purely.