People at work keep congratulating me about this job change. Both clients and coworkers. It’s been slightly discombobulating because I associate congratulations with a wild excitement. There is some of that somewhere but it’s still very muted. I’ve more been feeling like I’m doing something wrong, or giving in to some kind of defeat. Feeling like here I go just not being happy and changing again.

Like I have any experience with this! My husband says it’s because if you are the one making the change people typically assume it’s because you are doing something that is better for you and making you happy. If even one person could’ve told me “marriage is hard” or “look at the data”, which people did say, but by the time I scanned that list and saw their names my mind was made up.

The demographic I connected the least with was women my age. I say that and yet two of my solid and going to be longer-term clients are women my age. One of them…I’ve never said it but I’m sure we’ve both thought it…one of them could’ve been a soulmate best friend if things had been… I don’t know how I’ve lived here over ten years and never knew this person was so close or existed.

The others were…I have no idea. They never told me. I think I might’ve pressured them too much to bring their husbands in for sessions. When so many problems seemed to be tied to this particular roadblock…oh well it’s in the past. I’m scarred from the couples therapy but I’m going to change how I do it. We are going to have a system and during session time they can apply the lessons to their life.

That’s me saying things again. One man told me he’d been gaslit by women his whole life, including by me and the other therapist they’d tried. I felt…enlightened to hear this. There was no defense or fight to retain him, and I was relieved to no longer be making those longer day accommodations so that people would not have to be using their sick time. The money envy on my end became alive.

Do I want to be like Mother Theresa and be this spotless saint of endless giving? In some ways I know that I am her already. At first, after a while, I thought I’m only going to see couples who are Christian and married. But now again I’m thinking why should there be limits on anyone who is seeking love or wanting to experience more love in their life? People are meant to be happily paired.

I know more the risks and probable outcomes.