To think that there is coming a day when I will, Lord-willing, soon not have to go to work quite so much is really giving me hope that this new phase can be better. My son and I were talking yesterday morning about how I know that he’s older and that the entire point is for him to grow up and for us to not be spending as much time together. But it doesn’t change the fact that when I am not spending time with him I feel like I am missing something. I feel incomplete in my mission.

I was talking with my supervisor today and finally found the words. I told him I was processing and n shock at how much doing couples sucked. There was no other way to describe it. I still want to do it but I want to reflect for a while before jumping back in with ones I don’t know. I have a whole wall in my mind that I want to dedicate to attachment and relationship posters that I found by an independent digital artist and seller on etsy. But other than that I don’t even want to think about it.

Just get me out of there. Today in Bible study we talked about thankfulness. The pastor asked what the big deal is about being thankful. After being in pain from holding in commentary and feeling like there wasn’t any chance to talk for nearly the whole hour I finally said it was because thankfulness is being closer to how we were created to live. We go through these purifications and sufferings and it produces in us a happy heart that loves God and wants him to know the depths of our feelings.