“And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises.”
~Hebrews 6:11-12~

There’s this woman at work who works double shift weekend option. So every Saturday and Sunday she comes in at 6:45AM and works a day shift and then an evening shift. She’s done this for years. The catch is that on her weekends she usually leaves at 10PM. For me that means, that on my weekends, I go over to her wing around 9:45PM and we count the narcs so she can leave. From 10-11PM then I am in charge of both wings.

This really bothered me the first time it happened. No one had told me about having to cover two floors and it wasn’t part of the deal when I agreed to work these shifts. I thought about telling my boss, “I’m sorry, but I’m not comfortable doing this. I said upfront when I trained over there that I really did not feel comfortable with the REACH wing and we had agreed that I would not have to work shifts over there.”

I eventually wanted to be able to work over there but it was too much to start with because the people on that wing are always changing, versus the long-term care wings where the residents do not change (as often) and there is more repetition where you aren’t having to learn new people every time you go in. But then I thought, “Okay, well, maybe I just need to be a big girl and do this.” You can’t be having your way all the time.

There is an element of having to “join the club” so to speak. You have to go in early for people or stay later because someone calls in. Not all the time, but this is part of the job where people are fickle, people get sick, life happens, and there are still these wings that need to be staffed. On summer you’re by yourself (1 nurse) with 26-28 people for most of the evening shift which is why I did not want to work evenings there.

So doing it on Spring for one hour is just part of the job. You just pray like always that nothing too crazy happens then breathe a deep sigh of relief when nothing does. The lady who does this weekend option then turns around and works a full-time clinic job all week. You just wonder how people manage and even like to do it this way. We all have our own lives and ways of doing things and for me this is how it is working for now.

“…they returned to Lystra and to Iconium and to Antioch, strengthening the souls of the disciples, encouraging them to continue in the faith, and saying that through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God.”
~Acts 14:22~

These every other weekends come around pretty quickly but not enough to seem like too much. I still dread going and suppose I always will. It’s not a heavy dread, rather it’s more like a faint one. But once I’m there I’m typically okay and then after the Saturday there’s only one more. I received a card in the mail acknowledging my one year work anniversary. It felt crazy to think that I now have another year of experience.

This passage I read this morning reminded me of something I read a few years ago. Back when Covid was happening in 2020, our church printed out the entirety of the services including the parts normally said by the pastor. There was a part in the All Saint’s Day service that completely jumped out at me. It was the part from the Proper Preface which is the part of the church service spoken right before communion.

“In the communion of all Your saints gathered into the one body of Your Son, You have surrounded us with so great a cloud of witnesses that we, encouraged by their faith and strengthened by their fellowship, may run with perseverance the race that is set before us and, together with them, receive the crown of glory that does not fade away.”

I remember feeling something rather remarkable when I read these words: Encouraged. And while the encouragement came from the words themselves, the shock of them came more from what the words did not say. The lines, for example, did not go like this:

“Saints of God–Even though we are called the body of Christ, made up of brothers and sisters nearby and throughout the world, this Christian life is pretty much one of living life on your own. It’s not ideal, true, but that’s the way that it is. You will, over years and time, adjust. We live in a sinful world these days, which basically means nothing is ever right.”

I felt encouraged by the word that the faith of saints could encourage. I simultaneously felt uplifted but strangely seen in reading that it was communion and fellowship with the body of Christ that strengthens me and not my resolve to keep going.

“And the disciples were filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.”
~Acts 13:52~

We went shopping for a Christmas tree this evening. I am still really drained from getting over thanksgiving. After school I told the boys I was going to lie down. I started on the couch telling them they can be my body and I will be their brains, meaning I’d tell them what to do or what to clean and they would do it while I was cuddled up with blankets. We didn’t get far but it was far enough to be satisfactory.

They made a Christmas chain countdown. The one gets antsy and has to do things. He also painted a picture of the full moon in the sky. I didn’t fall asleep but laid down until about 1:15 when I got up to get dressed. I was sitting in for an assessment at the Thrive Center. Bless these people’s hearts who come in. He didn’t know I was coming and technically you’re supposed to have consent when observing sessions.

So I asked him in the lobby if he was the 2PM assessment and he was. Thankfully he said yes but it felt to me like he should’ve been asked a tad sooner as he didn’t really have much time to consider it. I wish I could talk more about the things that they say, but these people in a way are entrusting their secrets and I will never get over the way they just open up and share in a moment. You have to be trustworthy.

Sorry, I’m not trying to virtue signal. I needed a break from this place too and between the supervisor taking a trip and having thanksgiving week it was nice to have one. Afterward he was showing me the charting for an assessment, saying he knows I’m actually going to have to do it myself. I finally asked if I could actually come around to where he was because from where I was sitting across the desk I couldn’t see.

It’s weird, which is why I write about it. It’s not weird like creepy, it’s more like I’m not used to being around men. I’m not used to having to completely ignore certain feelings or pretend I’m just a person looking over his shoulder. Except I wasn’t pretending, that’s just what I was. I’m not there enough to get the client experiences I’m wanting but it has been good for groups and learning more logistics of insurance/business things.

Elianna is going to Branson, Missouri with Miles and his family. They’re leaving tomorrow and plan to be gone for five days, which is why we went ahead and got our Christmas tree tonight. Zorro rode along and walked outside in the streetlights. He’s really very cute but I also fear as he continues to grow. She wanted a dog that looked like a wolf. He looks like one, like an animal who could potentially do great harm.

I’m not really used to being around dogs either, and as a kid, I never liked them. But I am also open to learning and it helps to know that dogs are normal. The tree we found was $65 and may have been the quickest time ever in choosing a tree. At first I said we should go to Ace Hardware after stopping by the first place we were at, but then I changed my mind. It’s in the living room now and we can decorate some other time.

“When they heard these things they fell silent. And they glorified God, saying, ‘Then to the Gentiles also God has granted repentance that leads to life.”
~Acts 11:18~

I read somewhere recently that the decade of your 40’s is the old age of youth and the 50’s decade is the youth of old age. I like that. It sure does feel that way at times especially when I consider our past Decembers leading up to Christmas. I’ve jokingly said “I’m failing Advent this year”, but haven’t necessarily felt it deeply. In years past I definitely have, feeling like the time is rushing by but without nearly enough of it.

And then you wonder, “Am I tired? Is it laziness? Just a difference in priorities?”, while you’re trying to figure out why exactly you’re more okay with not having a tree yet or turning the house over into Christmas. I haven’t really found the answer, but the old age in your forties felt like something to do with it. The stranger thing to me is that the kids seem to be okay with it too.

Like do they not miss the joy? It was such a big deal to move that tree along the calendar lines, marking the days each morning as they passed. I haven’t bought a single gift, but there is always the relief in knowing Grandma is already on it and that they essentially have two major Christmas Day openings. My aunts have sent us money for as long as I can remember and I thought about doing that for nieces and nephews.

It’s not like I didn’t know that family was important or that Jesus was the ultimate reason for the season. Those two things are what made it so good. I think of Christmas and Jesus’ birth being tied to our joy and Easter and his resurrection being tied to our hope. The angels to the shepherds came with tidings of joy. It’s like anytime a baby is born. We know that it’s special.

Just like anytime a person dies we know that it’s sad. I have this tendency to want to relive the past, like to right now go out and buy the lighted candy canes for the hallway. I loved those so much. But there are joys that come in new seasons too, like it’s not even that I need the permission to let it change. I need the grace and the vision to be ok with something different while still resting deeply in the truths that never change.

“And the Lord said to him (Ananias), ‘Rise and go to the street called Straight, and at the house of Judas look for a man of Tarsus named Saul, for behold, he is praying’…”
~Acts 9:11~

Zorro and I went for a walk this morning. The boys were still asleep and I thought I’d give them a break from their responsibilities. Dad was in Arensville for chapel, though I was up before him this time so I could get to work on my panel handouts. I had my presentation this afternoon and passed. I felt slightly disappointed afterward that I hadn’t really tried to choose a video that was more exciting.

“It was nice to see your work”, said the teacher I had this summer. The word work made it feel so serious, like I should’ve taken this more seriously and made the afternoon less boring for them. But it’s over now and it is what is. You only have to do the panel once, so I don’t know if I’ll ever see this particular teacher again. I liked him a lot and he made the transition to a different place less formidable.

It was my birthday so naturally I’ve been thinking about life and death, mostly the latter. If I ever die I just want you to know that anything I say here is completely usable. There is no copyright on my words because they were a gift to me in the first place, and hopefully at some point, a gift to you. I’ve wanted to say that several times but at no point could ever bring myself to type it out. It was too much.

Too much to be at peace with and say. In Acts 9 and 10 there are two noted instances where God is working out details in tandem. The first is with Saul and Ananias. God confronts Saul on the road to Damascus and tells him next what he is to do. Then he makes himself known to Ananias who is now supposed to go looking for Saul, or more precisely, he tells him exactly where Saul is at. Ananias finds him.

The second instance happens between the centurion and Peter. God tells the centurion where to find Peter, and at the same time in his own way, God sets the stage with Peter for the centurion’s men who are coming. So it is in our lives where God is working behind the scenes, in ways he tells us and ways he doesn’t, but may have told someone else. And then the scenes come together to form the fuller story.

We ended up going to McAllister’s for supper. The kids and I went there a couple of weeks/months ago and I’d decided we weren’t going back there again. But then I decided to give them another chance. We arrived about 15 minutes early so walked over to Home Goods to look around in the store. I couldn’t believe all the stuff.

We didn’t buy anything. Josh’s mom was there when we got back and the group of us walked up to the counter and ordered. They have warm food that doesn’t take forever to get but is still something different than a hamburger and fries. On the way into town I’d asked the kids what they thought about just having the one Christmas tree this year.

We’d just turn the harvest tree into a Christmas one. That way we wouldn’t have to worry about lights or carrying it in or finding a place to put it. The thought of bringing in a big messy thing just wasn’t appealing. The kids said absolutely not. So I nixed the Christmas tree idea until another day when I’d hopefully be feeling more inspired.

My nap was not enough to revive it, and neither was the afternoon of resting. In the car I had a flashback to April or May a couple of years ago when something like a nail popped out of my heart. I’d been crying so hard when it suddenly felt like some kind of impaled object came out of my heart. I thought for sure I was going to die right then.

I didn’t know how I didn’t, or what exactly it was that left. I thought it had to be some kind of grief thing, some kind of deep hurt that had lodged itself so deep inside me there was no removing it except by blunt force, or apparently crying. I’d been listening to these audio sessions on attachment theory and “love styles”. I was the “vacillator”.

They were coming on up on this key thing that had to do with their healing and coming into a more “secure connection”. I thought while I was listening, “Oh God, here it comes. They’re going to say you need to deal with your anger…” I was ready to hear it and own my problems. But instead they said, “You need to get comfortable with being alone.”

I don’t know if the nail came out before that or after that but all of that was happening around the same time period. We had a nice time at McAllister’s and we didn’t have to wait super long. We somehow got on the topic of the letters Josh and I had written to each other in the years before getting married. I was wondering where they were.

Josh was looking at me then said, “You don’t remember?” I feel like I’ve seen them in the past fifteen years or so, in a box that I that went though and wanted to keep. I always thought it be cool to arrange them in a book, like to organize them by dates and replies so they could be read in succession. Some of them are romantic and others just normal.

“Didn’t you bury them at Golgotha?”, my daughter replied. Apparently we did. Golgotha is the place on camp property where there is a giant (average) sized cross where we did a camp devotion one time for junior high kids where we acted out the crucifixion of Jesus. Many years later we buried these letters there. I was floored to hear any of this.

Because I couldn’t remember it. He said after we’d broken up he buried my letters in a box in his parents’ yard. But when we got back together he’d dug them back up. I have no idea why I would’ve wanted to bury them but the more I thought about it the more I remembered having this discussion and planning it, wanting to waterproof the box.

So now I’m wondering if we need to go dig them up at some point, or if we’d ever even be able to find the spot where we buried them, if we in fact actually did this. I know they aren’t in our room because I have deep cleaned in there and organized those sorts of things. The only place they could be is in the back office which I’ve never organized.

Well I’m hoping to get back into my Advent readings soon. Today for school the boys had animal care. Elianna was at school so the boys were in charge during the hours she was away. They said the dog is more work than the eight cats combined. It’s just that you have to play with him and entertain him when he’s awake. He bites at my ankles which I’m not a huge fan of and we called Aunt Liz for any puppy advice she had.

But he got to experience his first snow. Elianna was sad she was missing it but luckily I’d taken pictures. I feel like this is going to be one of those things where they grow really fast and before you know it they’re grown. But then we’re going to wish we had taken more pictures. So there were pictures of him outside in the snow with the boys. I walked to the mailbox to mail a thank-you card to my grandma while they watched.

I said they could do school or help me clean but they couldn’t do nothing. They chose to help clean. The upstairs needed attention and tidying. The cats have actually been really healthy but one recently had a bite on his face that got infected. We took him to the vet to get it cleaned and get some medicine. I feel like I’m always mentioning bites but it doesn’t happen that often. Anymore I tend to want to just take them in.

He needed to go in. Before that, around noon, I’d started to feel drained. I went to bed after lunch until it was time to go to the vet. After that I charged my phone to have it ready for the shelter. One of the moms needed her car jumped so we did that right away. I don’t like standing outside there in the cold or the dark. Another family had unexpectedly left and one from the downstairs emergency shelter had moved in.

I’m still worried about his face but I am glad he has medicine. I told Josh he didn’t have to get me anything for my birthday (tomorrow) and he said he didn’t because the Andrew Peterson concert was my present. The only thing I wanted was to go Christmas tree shopping and pick out a tree. He just told me though that the tree farms aren’t open until the weekend, so I dont know what we’ll do. I know Menards has lots.

Zorro already looks like he’s grown since we got him. Elianna went to Miles’ house this evening so the boys are dog-sitting. We texted and asked her if it was okay to feed him. She said she’d do it when she got home but he’s been acting very hungry. She said that was fine so Dad and the boys were getting it ready. I haven’t had to much of anything with him, not that I’m against it, it’s just that the others having been taking care of it all.

I think he enjoyed the experience of being around people and dogs. The thanksgiving crew packed up and left around noon. It was great to be with everybody again and every year feels like a good time, I hope for everyone. I was telling the boys after were home that thanksgiving almost feels like entering a time capsule. For those few days we’re together and just enjoying each other’s company. Then it’s time to go back.

Ethan took the car this time instead of the traverse. He has a couple more weeks of school including an early-bird indoor track meet. With having two other kid-drivers we really do need the extra vehicle but the reasons this works is because if we need to we use the camp truck. Josh took it to Quincy a couple of weeks ago and I used it once to drive to one of my sites. He let me know he had stopped in Chillicothe, about halfway.

The engagement day was so fun. I felt terrible about springing it on my family last minute. Josh announced that Ethan and Laura had taken a walk and that he was going to propose. Between the time when they left and when they were supposed to be back, her parents, siblings, and grandma showed up so they could be there too. Her mom brought dessert and congratulatory decorations. Uncle Glenn said we should’ve waited.

They had a family member once whose marriage lasted less than a year. Josh actually did their wedding. But for whatever reason it didn’t work out and supposedly she knew from the get-go that he was not the right person. But it was some kind of public proposal and she said yes anyway and went along with the whole thing even through the wedding. I had this in the back of my mind too, aware these kinds of things happen.

Their relationship is between the two of them, he said. I understood this too but we had also talked to Ethan about it and taken the time to discuss and figure out his idea. Josh’s mom and sister and family also came that evening. I was worried it might be too much but it’s what he wanted. To me the awkwardness of everyone waiting there was the worst part about it. I couldn’t even socialize, instead I hid in the kitchen waiting there.

But everyone rolled with it. I was grateful for my sister-in-law and sisters who contributed help with the decorating and arranging. I cried afterward in the kitchen with my mom and aunt, not because I was sad, but because it’d been so much. Josh and I were just happy that she’d said yes and they were happy. She really is a sweet person and I can completely see why Ethan likes her. She is very comfortable to be around.

So another thanksgiving has come and gone. It’s been wonderful to be able to do this as many years as we have. Josh gives the families a discounted rate so that hopefully the cost isn’t too much of a burden between the gas to drive down here and everything else. It’s great to have such an affordable place to stay that can fit everybody.

I hate being quiet
but there isn’t much
time for solitude
remember me, Lord Jesus
when you come into
your kingdom, in that place
I’ll meet you there

Ethan proposed to Laura this evening. We’ve known for however long it was when we went out to his meet in Iowa. He asked to talk to Dad to get Laura’s dad’s number. When he got back into the car we said, “Ok, spill.” So then Josh told me and the boys what happened. I have to admit I was a little shocked at the timing and was not expecting him to ask her so soon.

From what she says she wasn’t either. He wanted her to be surprised. It’s been very hard not to mention it or talk about over here or anywhere I would normally talk about things. It turned out nice where her family and siblings were in town for thanksgiving so they were able to join us for a dinner and dessert when Ethan and Laura came back from their walk.

I just kept praying for God to work out the details because once today came I was feeling very nervous. I just wanted it to be a nice experience for everyone and obviously for her to be happy with everything going on. Thankfully she was. Once they were back I felt so much better and relieved. Several of us were feeling emotional including them. We all were grateful.