We had a meeting today with four members of the UIS counseling faculty. It was an informal get together over the lunch hour to start to get an idea of where we are in our program and what our goals are for finishing. It was me and one other student. I’ve seen him on campus but have never had any classes with him. During introductions he said he’s retired from doing something with teaching technology to inmates. He went back to school because he was bored.

Three of the four faculty members had visible tattoos and on the sidewalk I was walking with what seemed to me kids. I still don’t have any exact answers regarding when I would graduate, though it’s looking more and more like it will take now another whole year, so three more semesters plus a summer class this summer. I could possibly get it all done by next spring, but because of the way their course schedule is laid out it would require me to take three classes this fall while also doing internship. They have semester-long classes instead of quarters. I haven’t any interest in doing a fuller semester along with Thanksgiving and Christmas ever again. They seemed to think that was a long time to stretch things out, but I told them I really was fine with it.

It does feel though like I am disappointing people when they continue to ask how school is going. It’s just one of the automatic questions people ask when they talk to me. Since I began, the total completion time has gone from 2 1/2 years, to 3 years, to now probably and most very likely 4. Either way, I am thankful now to have not been having to do an internship yet. I do not think I would’ve been ready to put in the hours. If this is meant to work out for me then it will.

I haven’t been out for walks much lately, so I’m limited to whatever I can take from the side the of the road. It’s a vicious cycle. You need move to have health and energy, and you need health and energy in order to move. This afternoon I visited a high school friend’s mom, who much to our shock, I hadn’t seen in over a year. She’s 78 and says I don’t want to hear about all of her physical and cognitive ailments. I said I really wouldn’t mind. That’s what she and her friends talk about now.

But I did go out for walk tonight. I checked in with my son to see if he was free to Facetime. He wasn’t at the moment, but later. So I talked to him later, nothing pressing or important, mostly just to say hi. He was chattier tonight which I will take when I can get it. The other boys wanted to go out and spy on a camp group. I said they had to be back by dark and it was already almost there. After hanging up the phone I put on my shoes and drove down to main camp to see if I could find them.

When I returned home they were back at the house. I’d left my phone here so they tried to call Lauren to see if she’d seen me down at camp looking for them. They figured that was where I was. Dad has a meeting so after supper he headed out to Trinity. Elianna has been gone since leaving this morning with a meeting after school, then Miles’ house, then youth group. There’s always a parent around to supervise. One of the cats is sleeping in the laundry, another on the ottoman. Oreo is awake.

Yesterday’s trip was a lot of fun. We left Sunday evening to head down to Hoyleton. During Bible class I’d stopped by the store to get food. I originally went to Aldi but when I saw their parking lot was close to full I turned around and went to County Market instead. I didn’t want to deal with the lines and the people. County Market is more but they at least bag your groceries and believe me when I say that every little bit helps.

We cleaned out the fridge and had leftovers for lunch. There was a perfectly good chicken and rice soup in the back that would’ve gone to waste if I hadn’t pulled it out and seen it. I bought enough to hopefully get through most of the week. In addition to the normal things I had some food for the trip. I’d told our hostess not to worry about feeding us but she made us breakfast and had a crock pot of sloppy joes for lunch.

After resting for a while it was time to load up. The kids asked why we had two cases of water bottles. I told them it was for if we happened to get stuck in traffic and were unexpectedly stranded for a few extra hours or day. Last time the traffic was bumper to bumper coming home. We’d asked my mother-in-law if she wanted to come along again but she said she was going to just stay put at the house and watch from her porch.

She’d given us the package of leftover glasses. Someone looked up online somewhere and they supposedly were still going to be okay to use. I’m kind of a purist when it comes to eclipses and don’t care as much about the glasses parts, so I’m glad someone else was thinking about that. After passing through Litchfield I called my parents to see if we could stop by since we were basically right there. We drove to Irving to see them.

I’d invited them too but Dad had to some work for a job training and Mom wanted to spend the day in the garden. They gave us a tour of the chicken coup and gave us a dozen and a half eggs to take home. Mom has a start on her onions and garlic and multiple shelves of seedlings that are growing inside. She has a plant hospital outside for the ones she doesn’t know what to do with or that aren’t growing like the rest.

We arrived at our hosts house around 9PM and visited for about an hour. I tried to write a blog post then and actually did but then deleted it. I’ll write when I’m tired, but I don’t like writing when I’m super tired. I slept until morning and woke up to check the weather. The Hoyleton skies were looking clear but it was the Texas ones I was worried about. I sent a picture to my son from the inside looking out, so far so good, I said.

Later I asked if he’d heard anything from Laura. About what, he asked. About eclipse stuff, I said. He said he hadn’t. I later asked him if he could ask her what her weather was looking like. From my weather app Waco was looking better. He said that she said that it was partly cloudy but the sun was actually kind of poking through so they might have some hope. That was the last I talked to him until later when he said she’d seen it.

Diane, our hostess, was also expecting Tony’s cousin. He’d called and asked if he could bring his two grandkids over and watch. She was supposed to be going out to meet a friend for lunch in New Minden. After that she and Tony were going to meet another couples friend for the eclipse watching. Around 11 or so she started to wonder where they were. She wanted to be there when they arrived. I told her I could welcome them.

But she stuck around and eventually the cousin came with his wife and his niece. There were more on their way. A brother-in-law, another friend, and a daughter with two children. Diane served up a dessert platter and I told them they were welcome to take the second table on the deck. Josh, the kids, and I had already taken up the little one. It was great to see them, the more the merrier as far as I was concerned, even strangers.

The kids played pickleball on the concrete slab where the above ground pool there used to be. Pretty much anytime we go to their house, and we start our way down the long country road, I do have to mention the memorable time when I walked seven miles round-trip with four boys. Three and a half out, three and a half back, and while we were there the boys stripped down and swam. Elianna was with Grandma that day.

I called my sister-in-law to see how things were going. She didn’t answer right then but later she called me back to see if everything was okay. She was in the middle of an accreditation visit. Their schools had closed but there were still things going on. They were going to stop during eclipse time and hopefully see it. My sister called me around 1:30 to see what was happening. She didn’t have any glasses but it was looking hazy.

Josh talked with the other visitors for a while. I really didn’t spend much time with them. They all seemed to me fine and to be enjoying themselves. Once the haziness started I told the boys they needed to get situated if they really wanted to be out on the water during eclipse time. We brought the lawn chairs over from the patio. I don’t think they got used much. Diane brought a blanket out for her and anyone else to sit on the grass.

My brother-in-law Facetimed from somewhere in Texas where he was coaching a track meet. He did it in the family chat so my mother-in-law picked up and then my sister-in-law and myself. They’d temporarily stopped the meet and he could see it through the clouds. We just laughed and said hi to each other and looked at each other through the screen. I was ecstatic this was happening and that Jessica had been able to see it too.

I told him thanks for sharing and that I would get a video. My mom called sometime in the hazy window of time when things were leading up and the sky started changing colors. She was just checking in to see how things were going. We talked for a little bit and then we hung up. Tony had come home for a short while but then had to leave to go back to a concrete project he was working on in town to get it done before it rained.

She didn’t end up going to lunch. So we ended up watching the eclipse with Diane, and she and Elianna sat on the blanket. Josh was standing next to the chairs. The boys were out in the water and I took pictures and a couple of videos. I yelled across the water once or twice telling the boys not to be staring at the sun too long beforehand. I suddenly had this feeling like maybe I should’ve been paying more attention to all that.

They had their glasses but still. People say the scariest things sometimes. It really does make you wonder why God would design or allow the eclipses in the first place if the one of the points wasn’t to actually see them. I kind of think we’re supposed to look and be amazed. And maybe not stare the entire whole time. My oldest son stretched his arms and ran in circles during the first one. When I mentioned it he didn’t remember.

And I wondered how something like that could be such a core memory of mine but not his. He was the only one I’d marked down as far as noting anything else of the people around me. The more things happen like this the more I become okay with children being different. They’re not all going to be the same and that’s okay. I have lots of love to give and share and it’s enough that can be spread around to the others around me.

In the earlier day while we were still waiting Josh and I had packed up while the kids were playing. This way we’d be all ready to go afterward when things were over. If possible I was wanting to get back for my class. The teacher had said it’d be fine if I miss and we could figure something out but I didn’t want to have to do that. I emailed him and asked if class was still on and he said yes, that the eclipse did not eclipse the class.

We made it back in time to go. I laid down for about a half an hour. Elianna ran since she’d missed her practice. Josh and the kids planned to meet his mom in town for supper. I tried to call my mom back but the it called MomT instead. It was very hard to stay awake and I was starting to get concerned about having to drive home. Thankfully he didn’t do any lectures and he said we could cover chapters 9 and 10 next time.

The traffic wasn’t bad. With the exception of some congestion in Carlyle, the roads were normal and clear. None of us talked much on the way back. Dad listened to podcasts. I sent and texted my documentations. We drove by the concrete project on the way out of town and said goodbye to Tony. I’ve already told Diane we need to come visit more. One of the kids mentioned how he’d never realized how great Diane’s house was.

I thought the boys were going to stay in the boat the whole time, but halfway through the eclipse they were rowing back to shore, their plan having been to see half of it on the water and half on the land. I didn’t care what they were doing as long as they were seeing it. We traveled down to Hoyleton and stayed with friends overnight. We visited throughout the morning and the kids especially enjoyed the outdoors.

Their house ended up being the perfect place to watch. I had to make a decision earlier in the week where I gave up my idea of going about 30 miles farther south. It didn’t make any sense to do that. Yes, we would’ve seen the total coverage for a little bit longer, but we would not have a bathroom, or any sure place to go, and who knows what the traffic would’ve been like. It actually wasn’t too bad this time.

But that extra half a minute seemed like a lot to give up. And I cried in my bed in the afternoon lull, remembering the joys from the last one, and thinking how after this we may never see another eclipse again. This truly happened. And it was deeper and it was more. And it was everything. We had another wonderful time. The boat was put back and then we brought the viewing chairs back over to the patio.

The kids had a track meet in Mt. Zion today. The boys and I left around 9:15. Elianna and Grandma met us there around 10:45. We stayed the whole time because I wanted to watch Miles run the 4×400 which is always the final race of the track meet. I really do think they’re fun. Another mom and I were having to figure out who the new runners were. You learn to know the shapes of their heads and their bodies and how they look from far away.

When my new runner had lined up on the track for the boys 800 in Athens, I didn’t know who he was. Ethan asked me to Facetime when the race began. I called him and said they were getting started but that I didn’t see Judah. I didn’t know where he was but he must not have been out there yet. It wasn’t until he was a third of the way around that I figured out he was out there running. The stocking cap he was wearing had thrown me way off.

The next day Grandma met the kids at school in the parking lot and dropped off some new clothes to wear under his uniform when its cold. So he wore those today. The sky was perfectly clear with no clouds and after awhile it was no longer cold. All of us have red faces from the sun. I’ve been keeping an eye on the weather for the eclipse day and it keeps changing. In order to actually see it you can’t have too many clouds. I did pray it’d be clear.

Dad wasn’t at the meet this time because he was giving a talk in Champaign. I don’t know if this was the official name or not but he kept calling it the Martin plus Katie conference. It was a Lutheran singles get-together of men and women from age 18-35 who are interested in marriage or actively looking for a spouse. There was a men’s talk and a women’s talk and he gave the men’s talk. Two times recently I’ve looked for “Dad” in my phone to call him.

We arrived home from the meet around 4:30. I laid down for a while and drifted in and out of dreams. Elianna came in to tell me Miles was coming over. Josh called to tell me he was on his way home. I don’t remember what I dreamed about but it was the kind of peaceful sleep where you come away rested. I had two blankets on me because one is not enough heaviness. I started supper. As soon as Miles was here I had to ask his take on the races.

There are times in life when the people you reached out to for help over the years, the ones you thought for sure could or would help you, were not the ones who ended up doing so. It can be a terrible and bewildering thing to experience, and I am sorry for the times–I can think of at least one now–when the Levite or the priest passing by has been me. I will take this as the Lord’s reminder to text and check in.

The younger boys had a field trip today. The teacher who arranges things is always kind of enough to put them together in the same traveling group. I’ve never asked her to do this, but whatever she sees apparently prompts her to give them choice of being with a brother or being with classmates. One is doing fine with school, but I do wish the less happy ones liked it more. They went to an engineering display.

We had our Friday coffee/tea at Hae’s. Afterward we went to a Treasure Hunt store. I had no idea this was a thing. People were lined up for twenty minutes before it opened. Inside were tables of what looked like junk, returned merchandise that people were filling their carts and bags with. He found a gaming headset and pickleball paddles. I remembered crazy places I’d taken my kids. If only I’d written it down.

The kids had their first track meet today. Two previously scheduled ones had been cancelled due to weather and this one was scheduled in attempt to make on of them up. It was colder than I was expecting but I had brought water, snacks, and two blankets. Josh had a meeting this afternoon and wasn’t able to make it until midway through the meet. I met up with his mom and the boys who had gone over to her house this afternoon after school to watch the Cardinals home opener.

I accidently drove to PORTA high school instead of Athens. The kicker is that you have to drive right through Athens in order to do that. Several of the track and cross country meets are at PORTA, which is only 10 more minutes away. I’ve never actually been to Athens for a meet because it was one of the many I’ve missed. Why my brain did not alert me sooner that I’d gone to the wrong place, I don’t know. How I do these things so fairly often, I don’t know either. I really wonder sometimes.

Earlier during the day I’d spent some time writing prayers. I rotate through the same themes pretty frequently. I have felt the urge lately to just come out and say, “Look, I’m depressed, it always gets this way now, we’re just going to have to deal with it and it’s going to be the way it is.” I think I might have actually said it but sometimes I just don’t know. Today one of my prayers was asking the Lord to help me continue to function and to keep making progress. I guess I just meant in normal life.

I also prayed about the meets. I get very severe health anxiety when it comes to them running. It is not for completely unwarranted reasons, as things have happened here and there at various times that have given me cause for concern in past and present. At some point it is just all out of my hands. The fear and the worry can be such a hard cross, and I don’t know at times why this has to be something so strong in me. I would love to just sit back and relax and be a normal person and enjoy.

Tomorrow I’m scheduled to go into work for a couple of hours. They had a shorter, three hour afternoon opening that I signed up for. I’m feeling better after being away though I do still have a lingering sadness, and I wouldn’t even say it’s about anything specific. Life just effects me. One of the boys is currently needing help with math homework so I need to wrap it up here and focus. One day at a time is all I can do most days and it’s enough as God is true to give us strength for each one.

The boys wanted to go down to the dining hall to play ping-pong. They had their cleaning time, reading time, and then it was their skill time. I folded laundry during reading time while all the boys read in the living room, Dad included. I’d already had some reading time during piano lessons.

I had all these thoughts I was going to write down about the Mary-Martha energy balance, about striving and performance, and the need to come back to center after periods when you’ve been going and going. Now though I’m just tired, and struggling to come up with any words to go deeper.

Here are some things I was glad for today: A warm house to come home to after being out in cold weather of rain and sleet. Food in the house that I’d planned to have here so I wouldn’t have to worry about shopping this week. Waking up in the closeness of spouses. Evening drives in the wind.

I was 15 miles outside of St. Joseph, Missouri when the Fairfield Inn called and said someone had turned in my purse to the front desk. They’d found it out in the parking lot. I turned around and picked it up. The lady apologized for it being wet. I was glad I hadn’t spoken my full mind when she’d asked how everything had gone with the room. It was good, I said, and it was, but I’d wanted to say before that, “A little pricey, but…”

$348 on a weekday, and I could’ve taken a whole other cat to the vet for that much. We’d planned ahead of time for me to stop, and I was just going to find a place, which 95% of the time is a reliable system. I wanted a place with a pool and the Holiday Inn had no rooms. There were two other options. The Candlewood Suites had rooms but no pool. I thought, “No problem, the YMCA is right across the street.” But when I called them asking if my out-of-state-membership would be accepted, and then asked if they had open swim hours for the evening, they said, “Oh, we don’t have a pool here. I’m sorry.”

So that left this Fairfield place which I’d already left once. I called Josh and told him and he said to go ahead and get it. It was a good stop. They had a Target and a Kohl’s and TJ Maxx and Chick’Fil’A and all kinds of other restaurants. I’d brought homework along thinking I’d knock out an assignment or two. I wasn’t expecting the stores, and thought maybe I could just take the time to look for nice spring clothes. I checked in and slept.

By the time I woke up it was dark and I had that feeling that I’d slept for too long. I felt like I was coming down with some kind of fever and I thought, “All that money, and I’m not even going to swim.” I texted Josh again and he said to just try it, even if I’m just soaking in it, and then I could swim if I felt like it. I’ve been craving being the water again and once I was in I remembered why. Yoga and swimming are the only two exercises where I ever wonder why in the world I ever stopped. When I woke up this morning I felt the way I used to feel when I was coming down with mastitis, but there was no milk.

On the way home a classmate texted and said the teacher had decided to drop one of the papers and have us do a discussion in class instead. This was great except for that we’ve kind of had these long-standing plans for the solar eclipse on Monday. I emailed the teacher and asked how big of a problem it’d be to miss again. They really all should be going. I still don’t feel all that excited about it which kind of surprises me but oh well.

My son and I left at 5 this morning to head back to Seward. For the first two hours he fell back asleep. I had the Peace album playing by Bethel Music. I wanted it to be like lullaby songs where he felt safe and nestled under his blankets. You get those moments as a parent where you start to think, “Okay, at some point you’re going to have to know what it’s like to endure discomfort, to go the extra mile for somebody else.”

But today didn’t have to be that day. We stopped probably 3-4 times to stretch our legs, go to the bathroom, grab a snack, and fill up the gas tank. We picked up something for lunch in Lincoln and had to stop by Walmart to look for a Garmin watch charger and also a phone one. I ate my lunch in his room and didn’t finish it all, but didn’t offer him the rest. There were only one or two bites left and by then it everything was falling apart and spilling out of the hamburger bun. I crumpled up the garbage and asked him where he’s supposed to take all his room trash. I guess they have a dumpster.

And no I wasn’t going to offer to take all the boxes or hunt down a vacuum from the cleaning closet. I had already suggested on one of the last trips that they just bring our vacuum along, run it real quick before leaving, and then bring it back home. I stood up and felt the tears starting to come. He stood up. I gave him a hug. I walked to the door. Love you, I barely said. Love you too, he said, then I walked away and left.