The boys had a meet here in town. It was held at the new property where they plan to build the new high school. That whole thing with losing the school was a big deal I think. It was a giant loss that complicated many people’s lives and greatly undermined the school’s ability to stay open and be seen as a respectable option in town for people’s children. They still have a mortgage on the old, now demolished building, while needing millions of dollars for a new one.

Miles’ mom is teaching the films and publishing classes this year. Teachers have a really hard job because their love for learning that they would love to foster in others is stifled by the many behavioral issues that seem to be filling the schools. Many children are not motivated to learn which can be frustrating to those who are motivated to teach.

It takes work to break cycles and stick with things that are hard. I don’t know what the answers are for all the problems in the schools. I do know that when you have friends you can get through just about anything. Allowing the kids space to make friends and experience the world more is important to me as a parent. I know those are things I can’t provide for them here. Neither can I provide the chances to run in these cross country races. It was a nice race and I was grateful to see them run.

The weather has turned cooler these days. We had one final day where we could’ve potentially swam and broke our record but, I don’t even know why we didn’t. This morning I had an interview with a counseling agency here in town. It’s a Christian place where you can pray with clients and incorporate the Bible and all kinds of cool things. I was really hoping that after this interview I’d have a few more answers.

The catch is that they are not currently hiring. There is just the prospect of there being some moving around, retirements, and maternity leaves in the semi-near future. I also interviewed at a private practice last week, which even though it was nice, didn’t really leave me feeling strongly one way or the other. With the counseling agency, I was feeling more excited. There really are pros and cons to all of these places.

One thing I think I am clear on, or at least I think I would prefer, is to sign up for a place where I know what I am getting. I am not really interested in signing up for potential. My mind can run away with itself and get caught up in all kinds of directions, many of which seem like they’d be right or fun or just fine. I just want the real thing, not the thing my mind makes up.

Today was a refreshingly uneventful Saturday. The kids had no meets. I did not have to work. Dad had a ministry fair he had to attend for an hour or so but that was not a big deal. I do think schedules have gotten way out of hand, but I haven’t the cognition to formal opinion on it. I just mean that I’m busy too, and my brain is tired from the various things that do require I use it.

Elianna was working next door and asked if I’d come over to help serve. She was feeding the pastor’s wives retreat. After a while Dad the boys came over as well. We ate together in the conference room that currently is fairly packed with donated quits, old curtains, and a fourth of the room’s space worth of possessions that are being stored by the camp for the annual state fair group.

Again, I have thoughts but some things aren’t worth repeating. As I was stacking and restacking stainless steel bowls on the bottom shelf, I thought to myself, “What if I am the OCD one being called to help out camp?” The abilities and characteristics are most certainly there. But the time, the energy, and the fortitude to see it through…I do understand that some dreams are just that.

“The Romance is not in present-day Oregon for me; it is right here in Colorado now, because this is where God and I live together.”
~John Eldredge, from his blog post Recovering the Romance~

My sister and aunt are in New York burying my grandparents. They purchased a shared cemetery plot decades ago. My grandpa was cremated in Florida and his remains stayed with my other aunt until she died. My grandma was cremated in New York and somehow the two ended up back together. So to honor their wishes and make use of that plot, they had a small service in Martindale to place their remains in the ground.

“I wouldn’t mind being cremated”, I said to my husband the other day. Every so often it just comes out, some comment about death and our corresponding thoughts and plans. When I heard that this was happening I didn’t have that “have to be there” feeling. I felt instead like I needed to stay here this time. They’ve been keeping us updated in the family group chat with pictures of their sightseeing and travels.

They had a small graveside service attended by a few of their relatives as well as several long time friends. When Grandpa and Grandma bought this burial plot, I’m assuming they thought they would die of old age and be buried in caskets. I don’t remember them saying. I surely can’t imagine it mattering much to them now. I think they’d still be happy though to know they made it back there.

We brought supper over to my mother-in-law’s house this evening. She wasn’t going to be home. One of my nieces had an eighth grade night and as well as church choir and acolyting over the weekend. The Cardinals were not in the playoffs so we switched our interest over to the Milwaukee Brewers who were playing the Dodgers in Los Angeles.

The Brewers lost. It was only me and one other son watching the game. The rest of the kids were either outside playing with the dog or sorting tools in Papa’s shed. Dad was out there also watching everybody.

We came home and Facetimed Ethan and Laura. They’re on their fall break so they were okay to stay up later. Usually past nine is getting to be too late for everybody. Laura planned a day for the two of them to do fall things like carve a pumpkin and go to an ice cream shop in town that they hadn’t been to yet. Her mom says she is a quality time person too.

Since the big kids both moved out, I haven’t had inspiration to do anything with their rooms. Kids are even different in the way they leave the nest, one seemingly caring and cognizant of only the shirt he wears on his back. The other had an established habit of regularly and seasonally sorting through her belongings. But even with that things were left behind, including a bunk bed I no longer wanted that at one point was given to us.

So my grandmother’s guest bed is being moved up the stairs. After filling in the countries of South and East Asia I had help with moving and unbolting the bed. When I have the inspiration it’s like it needs to be done now. Dad was visiting shut-ins and doing chapel at the high school. Before returning home he stopped and filled up their van. Every day I think about how our lives have continued to change.

I can’t be stagnant as it happens. I too have to change with them. I can see the role that patience plays in letting time unfold slowly. I see my house slowly coming together in ways I couldn’t have arranged things before. I am hesitant to buy a bedspread but eager to find frames for the pictures of younger children at home. Maybe I still could do it, the scrapbooks of printed photos to live in the guestroom when any of them visit here.

I worked three and a half hours doing laundry and cleaning at the CGC. I did two in the morning and then another hour and a half before leaving for class. My son came with me in the morning and worked on school in the big room. I need to communicate more with the cleaning girl because I kind of just showed up and started doing things without warning. It’s important to be considerate and respectful of others where you work.

We only had one video for class. For our other class we had a field trip to one of the residential community health centers for adults with more severe forms of mental illness such as schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. The man who led us around has been working with this population for almost twenty years. It was touching to see his genuine care for the people he works with and the poorer populations he serves.

Every time I come home I think, “I only need to do that x more times”. This week is officially midterm so only eight more times that are scheduled on the calendar. The boys had a meet this evening in Bement. I’m not really sad to miss the meets because I’ve accepted that this is just what has to be right now. I’m grateful for the ones I’ve been to. I plan to help out with the laundry and start with tidying up the storage areas.

My class wasn’t all that exciting tonight. For homework we had to watch several videos and then come back to discuss them. I like the discussion formats for classes but sometimes we need more prompts from the teacher. We ended up talking about gender expression and she asked us to order ourselves in a line based on where we thought we were on the continuum of masculinity and femininity. I didn’t like that.

Something about ranking and being ranked felt weird with a group of women. I said out loud to the teacher, “How are we supposed to do that??”, more in a state of being baffled rather than looking for instruction. She said we’d have to talk to each other. So I sat there while the rest of them stood up and tried to find out each other’s hobbies and find their place on the feminine-masculine line. Then they tried by personality traits.

The ones in the middle wanted to be closer to the top. Someone had to be on the masculine end so that went to the girl who said she hikes and makes sure her voice is heard. Another girl was a gamer so she went to the more masculine side. I don’t think there should’ve been a line. I think we should’ve sprinkled ourselves throughout the room in the way the stars are spread around and then just appreciated everyone.

“Becoming the Beloved is pulling the truth revealed to me from above into the ordinariness of what I am, in fact, thinking of, talking about, and doing from hour to hour.”
~Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved~

Lately I’ve been thinking again how it’d be nice to have a mentor. Isn’t there anyone out there who can help me get through this? Is there any woman who exists who has successfully navigated the waters of marriage, motherhood, and hormones with grace? Can I be the person that no one else was? It’s nothing against women in my life or any women that I know. I still just wish sometimes for that soothing, wise, spiritual guide.

It isn’t like we have all the time in the world here. Seven or so years ago there was the grind of daily life. Marriage was for love but it was also very practical. I started charting in the margins, “Happy in marriage”, “Happy in marriage”, on every day that it was true, which it was for the majority of days. But then there were days when it was almost like my mind turned against me, and against even my entire life. It refused to be ignored.

I’m still trying to figure this out. Because I am more than beyond convinced that there’s a 4-5 day window that reveals more to us about ourselves and our needs than any other time with a frightening accuracy. If you’re neglecting yourself, it will show up. If you are being neglected that will come around too. But whose responsibility is it to manage and process what the monster reveals? How much bait do I accept or reject?

You stay for your values, because you believe that God is against two people divorcing. You stay together for the kids, because you’ve heard that it’s best for them and both of you love these people you’ve made. You stay because there’s this fierce refusal to harm them and screw up their lives. You stay because when things are good they are actually really good, and because it’s an enormous thing not to have to earn a living for yourself.

Well even that is not enough. Because then you have kids who get married or who one day hope to do the same. And these kids who you stayed married for, they’ll get you thinking again, “Is this the kind of marriage we would want them to have?” If the answer is no it’s time to adjust. There used to be so many requirements, preferences, wishes for what I wanted marriage to be, but God’s worked it out now to peaceful and loving.