People talk about putting away your phone and being present in the moment. I had my phone with me up to a point and then I set it down in the arts and crafts building and didn’t pick it back up until sometime before the reception. I understand the point of not being distracted but for me, taking photos is a way that I enjoy and enter into a moment. It’s driving me nuts that I don’t have more pictures of my own from the day.

Many of the details are already fading from memory. The groomsman were here getting ready in our room. I put a few things in our closet, vacuumed the rug, and just told them that they could get ready in there. Besides Miles who was a high a school friend, and one of my sons, the rest of the groomsmen were friends from camp. Laura’s brother was supposed to be also but his spot was given to another camp friend, Logan.

I can’t tell you how many times that child gave me a heart attack. I will never forget the time somewhere in the 2018-2019 range when they were at our house and Logan stood on the railing of our second story deck. He was facing the deck with his back to the terrifying drop below. I looked at him and spoke very slowly and carefully, saying “Logan, I love you. Get down.” I mean there’s something about those kids that you like.

But boy. So then the photographer and her daughter came over as well as the videographer who was Laura’s dad’s brother. I didn’t know they were coming. The boys were all sitting in the living room chilling without much care in the world. Ethan had just gone into the shower and not a soul was in their wedding clothes. All I could think was, “My house smells like cat and all these people are in here.” But I had to just deal with it.

So I asked the lady if she could come back in 20 minutes. So by the time she came they were pretty much dressed except for their ties. I told her she could go back to our room where Ethan was getting ready. His dad helped him with his hair but he still wasn’t happy with it. He has a full head of hair that he doesn’t normally try to style or pay attention much to how it looks. I played with it but overall I thought it looked very nice.

He looked so handsome in his suit. Just unbelievably so. At some point I went back into the living room where the rest of the groomsman had moved to.

When Ethan was done getting dressed the photographer wanted a picture of me adjusting his tie. We stood by the window because that’s where the light was.

This whole stretch was one of my favorite parts because I wasn’t expecting it and had to improvise and go with the flow. The priority was getting these boys dressed and looking sharp and out the door for their pictures.

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(photo credits: hannah w.)

Oh my goodness, where do I start. I don’t have words yet to describe how special and wonderful the wedding day was. First and foremost, I want to say thank you to God for the beautiful weather. There was absolutely nothing we could do about it however it was going to turn out. But the day was sunny with a more than light breeze which made the not too bad heat even that more less noticeable. The winds made the trees sing.

But you could still hear everything. When Laura walked down the aisle I did not look at my son. I know that’s what people do, they look at the groom to see what his reaction is to her. I wanted to look but I was in the front row on the end and I didn’t want to be disrespectful to Laura as she was walking down looking beautiful and radiant, to no surprise. But people told me he was grinning from ear to ear and looked very happy.

And how that’s just kind of how he looked the whole time. I just could not stop smiling, thankful he so happy. I had told him before he walked me down the aisle to the front, that if he felt any emotion, that it’s okay, just let it show. I was imagining like if he were to get choked up when he saw he not to hold it back but just to let people see it. I wasn’t even thinking about the emotion of happiness or that it would be the one to see.

I did not cry the entire day. I didn’t really feel a need to. The day before I’d cried a lot after we had gotten home from the rehearsal. It was the feeling you get when something special is over and something that you have been looking forward to and putting effort and time toward. Like, it just happened so fast and then it was over and people were gone again and the building was empty. The colors, the pictures, the love.

So then I thought, well maybe that was it? Like maybe I’d gotten it out and wouldn’t have to worry about it again the next day. Throughout the day I was basically calm and relatively free of any nervousness. Instead I just felt warm and at peace in the world. There are so many details I don’t want to leave out. The only time I sort of cried was when the couple had left, and I walked back in and saw all of the work Laura had done.

The details she had worked so hard on through the week. The signs, the cakes, the seed packets, the bouquets. Like, you really can put your heart and soul into something and them some. And you do it because you want to and because love is pushing you forward. I think the river of life is going to be made when the tears of the saints are crying final tears of joy at the sight of God’s remade world. “Finally”, we will say at last.

~~~

Nothing New by Brandon Lake

It feels like all the songs have probably all been sung
But I wanna bring you something true
Something that moves you
I don’t have all the words
To tell you how much you’re worth
But I wanna bring you something true
Something that moves you

From the dawn to the dusk of my days
From the depths of my soul, and with all of my strength
Here is my heart in just one phrase
“I love you, I love you, I love you”
When I say it, I mean it, it’s true
And I hope you can see it in all that I do
I know it might be nothing new
But I love you, I love you, I love you, I do

Now I’m sure the angels sing beautiful melodies
But I wanna bring a song that’s mine
For the rest of my life
Oh, I wanna bring a song that’s mine
For the rest of my life

From the dawn to the dusk of my days
From the depths of my soul, and with all of my strength
Here is my heart in just one phrase
“I love you, I love you, I love you”
When I say it, I mean it, it’s true
And I hope you can see it in all that I do
I know it might be nothing new
But I love you, I love you, I love you, I do

All it took was a little flame, a little flame
All it takes is a little faith, a little faith
What a joy, what an honor that I can say
I get to wake up to your beautiful face
All it took was a little flame, a little flame
All it takes is a little faith, a little faith
What a joy, what an honor that I can say
I get to wake up to your beautiful face

From the dawn to the dusk of my days
From the depths of my soul and with all of my strength
Here is my heart in just one phrase
“I love you, I love you, I love you”
When I say it, I mean it, it’s true
And I hope you can see it in all that I do
I know it might be nothing new
But I love you, I love you, I love you, I do, oh!

Oh, I love you, I do
And it’s nothing new, but still I choose, I love you
I love you
I love you, I love you, I love you, I do

It’s hard to believe we’re at this point now already. Today was a more relaxed day with the tasks winding down. Ethan and I left in the morning to find Laura a wedding gift. They had decided to get each other a gift to exchange that was somewhere between $35-45. Dad and I contributed to ideas. We managed to find everything in one store. After that I picked up pictures at Walgreens and something for lunch at County Market.

Laura moved out of her house yesterday. She’s got her car packed with the rest of their gifts that have still been trickling in since we moved their stuff to Nebraska. On Wednesday her brother called and said he was going in for surgery to get his appendix taken out. Last night he called to say he wasn’t coming to the wedding. We are hoping/praying that he will feel better tomorrow and perhaps change his mind.

My sister arrived with her family around 11PM. Before that Ethan, Laura, her sister, and I went down to the dining hall to practice our dances. She is going to look very beautiful and he will be as equally handsome. The nerves and feels are starting to get to me and I imagine they will start to be getting to more of us soon. The rehearsal is in the morning followed by the meal at the retreat center with the fellowship and slide show.

Laura spent the day in the dining hall still working away. Her mom and dad had other things but this was the day for making the cakes. So she used the camp kitchen and spent the morning doing that. When I came in later she was on the floor hot gluing mini lights to the name board that is supposed to go on the photo backdrop. The lights were not lighting up the letters enough so she was going to have to paint the background a darker color.

Later I walked in again and she was writing their names on the chalkboard. I said, “Laura, you could have a business doing this.” That’s how amazingly talented she is. She said she told her mom that she was never doing this again, that it was one thing to do it for their wedding, but she didn’t think she’d have the same passion for someone else’s. I knew exactly what she meant. Sometimes the work we do is a one time grace for a point in time.

We had our family night. For supper we went to Cancun and spent some time trying to have more meaningful conversation. Once we were back at camp we took Zorro and all went down to the lake. Zorro was off his leash and loved running around. After that we went back to the house. I talked with Ethan and Laura outside. We eventually all ended up taking these fun music quizzes on YouTube where you guess songs played from certain decades.

It was another good day of getting things ready. Laura spent the majority of the time fine tuning the dining hall. There have been three later RSVP’s since she made up her seating chart, so it was decided those names weren’t going to be on the board. I keep thinking of people that I can’t believe we didn’t think to invite. One of the couples I feel like could’ve really hurt somebody’s feelings. There’s no way to get everything perfect.

We tested out the candles and had to remove the tiny pebbles from the tea lights. Something about them suffocated the flame. But once we did that they all shined brightly. Josh, Elianna, and I went to County Market and picked up some lunch. We brought it back and had a lunch break together. It’s was Laura’s dad’s birthday so he went first through the line. Even dads need those special times to be honored.

I was in bed much of the day trying to rest off the fatigue and a nagging sore throat. Dad and the boys fixed the altar in the outdoor chapel which was torn up for the homecoming and had to be put back together. I made a second list with my own fine tuning of the remaining things. Earlier in the morning I finished Ethan’s book which I was grateful to have completed. I’m just grateful for everything and all of the help.

Today was decorate the dining hall day. The two families worked for most of the day, about 9:30-5. Elianna was with Miles and his parents taking Miles back to college. He has to be there early for soccer and this week they have their team warm-ups and practices. He’s supposed to be able to run a sub 12 minute 2-mile run. Last year he was one of three teammates out of at least 20 or more who could do it.

The coach wasn’t happy. So maybe more will be able to do it this year, I don’t know. He’s going to wait until after the 2-mile to remind the coach that he is supposed to miss multiple practices this coming weekend for the wedding. Either that or he has to go back and forth and that just doesn’t make sense. It was cool to see the tables come together with the names, decorations, and runners down the middle.

The exhaustion from the past few days of busyness is catching up with me. There are things I need to do still but I’m feeling grateful that for the most part I have not been feeling super stressed. I asked everyone tonight if we could plan a family night sometime this week, or maybe even a family day. There is that instinct still to want to grasp and hold on to the time, but with more awareness of its futility.

I went down looking for Casper this evening. Earlier this afternoon he’d had an incident at the lake where the boys put him on a boogie board closer to the dock and he jumped off. He was swimming in the water and I was shouting at the boys to get him because surely them jumping in when they were right there would’ve been a hundred times faster than me running to get him all the way from the canoes. They finally got him.

So he was soaking wet and I wasn’t sure if he’d swallowed any water or gotten more in his ears. He wasn’t down at main camp but I finally found him at the beach. He was napping in one of the donated boats. He stood up and jumped out of the boat and I was very happy I’d found him. So I carried him back up the beach path and brought him inside to get food. Dad was sitting on the couch so he saw me and said make sure he gets put back outside.

I just feel like he should get some special treatment after going through that. Besides that we had a good time at the lake. The campers and staff are gone now, but not before several of them helped us get things set up in the dining hall so Laura can come and start the decorating tomorrow. Elianna and I went out this evening because we still needed shoes. She’s going to borrow some. I’m just going to wear my rehearsal ones.

Today was the 75th anniversary of camp. They’ve been planning this celebration for well over a year. Josh and I were support staff during the year of the 50th anniversary and it was a big deal of people buzzing all around in the dining hall and enjoying the day. Today was similar. There was a great turnout, due in part to the fact that God blessed the day with beautiful weather and milder temperatures. We were grateful for that.

Someone recently asked me if living here has allowed me to keep the same love for camp. He was one of the support staff when Josh and I were counselors and comes each year with his wife who he met here. They bring their girls for the weekend parent camp. In my memory, people of the opposite sex who I knew from before tend to be remembered through one of two categories. Did I have a crush on them or no?

This one I did not because he was too young. And while looking at him and talking not a single thing had changed beneath the beard and extra pounds. He was still the same person, except now he is a science teacher and has been the principal of a public school system and all kinds of neat things. But in pondering his question I didn’t know how to answer at first. I ended up saying that yes, living here has allowed me to keep the love.

My answer was rushed. Thinking about it now I do not think that was fully true. I do not think or speak anymore about how much I love camp. Instead I think and speak about how I appreciate camp. I appreciate the role it has played in my life and my kids’ lives. Recently I asked my kids what the best thing about their childhood was or has been so far. All five of them listed camp as their number one best thing. I appreciated that.

When I came to work here camp was (at first) an escape from my home life. I didn’t even ask my parents’ permission. I just called the director one afternoon and told him I’d be there Wednesday. I chose camp over my family when they decided to change churches and I decided to stay Lutheran so I could keep working here. The biggest disappointment in living here has been how many people from then never came back.

This dad who I was talking to said it probably makes a difference if both parties had a connection to camp or not. I’d never thought of that before and then it made a lot more sense. When only one would’ve known camp, it’s easy to see how something would get lost in the shuffle and busyness of life and marriage. You bring things into your marriage that stay, but you also bring things in that along the way get left behind.

My son and I were at the beach from 2-4 during the auction time. He played with a camp friend and I sat on the dock with another friend and chatted about life while helping kids in and out of their boats. After that we went up to change and head down to the dining hall. It was wonderful to see so many cars and people. Josh and I went through the line to get our food and we sat and ate with another church/camp mom.

Eventually it was time for chapel where Josh was leading the church service. I sat with my nieces and three of my sons. Zorro even made an appearance up on the hill. After that was an Echelon concert which was very fun. I was so ready for bed when everything was all over but then they announced that there was still the campfire time with smores if people wanted. I heard the kids singing in the pavilion. I walked over and sat down.

And then I started singing with them. It was always hard to decide, but the best part of camp besides the being at the lake was the dancing and singing of happy worship songs during the morning indoor chapel time. My kids were all there, even the one still feeling sick. My husband was around somewhere too. And all these wonderful people singing were there, and it made no difference who we were. They were my siblings, my family.

“We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love.”
~Mother Teresa, Words to Love By~

In the therapy world (this drives me nuts) we’ll say thing to people like “drop into your body”. I can’t think of anything more vague and unhelpful. But ideally what I think it’s supposed to mean is to take a moment to turn your focus toward something other than the thought tape going on in your head. Notice your chest rising. It rises and falls with the breaths I am taking. Stay there for a while. Appreciate what is happening there.

Some books will have you place your left hand on your chest and your right hand on your lower belly, either over or just below the belly button. Your hands are now ears, like a stethoscope being used to listen. To those places you can say, “What is happening here?” We really do live so disconnected from the deeper parts of us. We can wait for someone to notice while misery fills in the gaps. Or we can listen to and with our bodies.

Until it’s no longer misery filling those spaces. The mind quiets down and pays attention to something else, it can listen, it can hear, it can speak to those places. “What you’re feeling now is old”, is what my mind would say to me and does. Every time you love it fills the gap a little more. The ruts that exist with raw exposure smooth out slowly, but not before the old is seen and felt again and heard, and spoken to with healing love.

I didn’t know whose job it was going to be to do it but somebody was going to have to go get the power washer from Grandma’s garage and spray off the scum that’s been growing on the front of the house all summer. If all of these people are supposed to be driving by our house tomorrow it will at least have the decency of looking somewhat maintained. So Elianna picked it up and Dad and a few of the kids helped get that done.

It does look better now. I made two phone calls today for emotional support. The first was to my aunt who I called in the morning. The second was to my mom who I called in the afternoon. Sometimes you just feel like nobody gets it and like there is no one there to encourage you or bear you up when you need it. Or even just to be present. So I was glad they were able to be there and talk. This culture, this lonely, isolated way, it’s too much.

It’s not enough. Laura came over while I was vacuuming the ottoman. It was actually kind of funny because it was the big vacuum I was using. I sometimes like having the vacuuming cat lady mom role but I actually do like the gentle mother in law role too. She was doing well and feeling pretty good and calm about things. She’s worked so hard to make things ready I just pray that it can be a wonderful, beautiful day for them and all.