Zorro broke his left hind leg. I guess what happened is Elianna and Miles had taken Zorro out for a walk. While they were down around the basketball court at main camp, Zorro jumped on Miles like he does sometimes with people. He was on his leash and Elianna pulled back on his leash. When she did that he slipped because the ground was still slightly went from the rain. There are wooden railroad ties that line the court.

So when he fell he landed on the railroad tie which was what probably broke his leg. It’s some kind of spiral fracture in his tibia that is going to need plates, a few screws, and a pin. On more than one occasion I have looked at the dog’s legs and noticed how intricate and fragile they seem to be. Like, that would be terrible to have one break and what would they even do to fix it? So I’m praying his surgery goes well and he recovers.

It’s scheduled to happen Wednesday and then he stays there overnight. They don’t even staff the facility overnight but apparently he’ll be so drugged up he won’t notice. I started having images of this beautiful powerful dog running around in the athletic field and it made me cry because he’s such a good dog. The whole seeing him in all of his grand, majestic finery and wondering why this is having to happen. It really stinks.

Our weekend visit out to Nebraska went well. The boys and I left around six in the morning and we stopped at McDonalds to get some food to start the trip. I really am pretty grossed out by McDonalds but something about a road trip with the sun still rising makes me able to see it in a more nostalgic light, where it’s not so much the food but rather the memories being made with it. The boys convinced me to just get a meal.

And it was good. Ethan had another PR in his race and 15 minutes later we were back on the road. I don’t really spend much time with him when he’s home. I’m hoping if there are ever grandkids I will have more of a purpose there. The camp kids hung around camp on Saturday and on Sunday we enjoyed a meal at Janet’s after services. It’s hard to put into words but it’s just continuing on in the course God has marked out.

The kids and I went to the early service together. There were more people than expected so by the time we arrived the elders said they were out of bulletins. I thought that was kind of a nice surprise and we sat down and had church to celebrate Jesus’ resurrection. After church I went over and said hi to the man who calls me slim because I hadn’t talked to him in quite a while. He said he thought he’d done something wrong.

And I come in just a little bit late every time, and lately he’s been the ride for another man who wasn’t there this time. I told him he hadn’t done anything I’m just anti-social in church sometimes, plus the things that he mentioned. I updated him about school and I said he really does need to come and see me when I’m done and I would talk to my boss so that he wouldn’t have to pay anything. He said I will have to give him a card.

I said that I will, but thinking about it more he probably could start even sooner than that. His wife doesn’t let him out much since she’s started having health problems because she doesn’t like to be left alone. He said he doesn’t get lonely because he has his puzzles and cats. He said but how are you doing personally, are you happy? I said I was. I just can’t believe we hadn’t talked in that long and I should’ve said hello sooner.

We thought we better head into the breakfast. The kids had already got their food and Dad was waiting in the back. We went through the line and a man said, “Are you eating? I have never seen you eat”. I thought it was weird that he said that because I at times try to get food so that people see that I eat. I had two pieces of casserole, a banana muffin, and some fruit. I wasn’t super hungry but enjoyed the table time with Dad and the kids.

We had to get home after that. Zorro hurt his leg yesterday when he jumped up on Miles. Somehow he ended up slipping and landing on his leg wrong and hasn’t moved much since the morning when this happened. It’s been kind of difficult to watch him be miserable but I’ve been powerless to get him looked at any sooner than tomorrow. I tend to shut down in these situations. Last night I told him Jesus loved him very much.

Don’t stare at me
I’ll break your mask
and your stutter
Hold me instead
watch me die here
to join every angel
cast into the gloom

It was another disappointing moment at Thrive when the rescheduled assessment from yesterday did not show up (eyeroll). They really need to figure out a way to vet the calls more to find out how serious these people are about coming. One of the things I don’t like when I think about working there is that you basically would be just operating on your own. There isn’t much socialization between the staff members because if you’re there it’s because you have clients to see.

Some guy came to the door and asked for some water, so there was that. He was dressed in black and said he was looking for a place on 11th St. which supposedly deals with sexual abuse. Before he asked for some water he asked if I could point him in the right direction since he tends to get a little lost, and to me seemed either very very shy or not all there. I only knew where 11th St. was because that’s the same street I turn on to get to where Contact is. He started walking.

And I left after that. The kids had a track meet in PORTA this evening and I stayed in bed and slept until we had to go to that. I’m supposed to drive out to pick up Ethan tomorrow, stay for his track race, and then drive home. The boys are coming with me and now my other son is coming so that will nice to have a few more drivers because I seriously wasn’t sure how I was going to stay awake. I will wake up more once I start moving and will just have to keep busy.

The track meet went well. The kids are doing well in their races and have been happy with their times and improvements. Dad left the meet early to be ready for church tonight, which most of the rest of us joined him for after the races when we left mid-meet. I dropped the kids off and then Zorro and I headed back to the house. I took him for a walk to the indoor chapel but didn’t want to go too far down the road. He kept looking into the woods like something was there.

He was easy to walk though. It’s really amazing how he listens. We came back home and he wanted to go back to his outside place in the yard. I called a woman back I’ve been playing phone tag with about possibly getting some hours with an Art Express program for people with memory loss. I keep doing this where I think I need to add new things. The meeting with my Contact supervisor went well but I’m still not sure what’s going to end up happening there. A good day overall.

“You aren’t falling in love with your Thrive guy are you?”, he came in and asked as he sat down next to me. It has felt like an incredibly long past couple of days, and I don’t even feel like there’s a good reason why. Something about this time of year just drains me, and I don’t know if it’s the change in weather or the increase of activity out in the cold. I did not go to class tonight because I was so sleepy and tired I could not stay awake.

I don’t remember what I said. But I’ve been dressing up, and putting on makeup, and spraying my hair with my handpicked scent of “Empowered and Confident”. You were there almost the whole day, he said. We had group for the full three hours this morning, then a half-hour of supervision, then some down time before I had two back-to-back new patient assessments. I was grateful when the 3PM rescheduled for tomorrow.

But no, I am not falling in love with him. Do I still think maybe that this is the perfect place to work and that he’s somewhat of a unicorn in terms of his mixture of practices and beliefs? I do think that, but am also totally open for that to not be the case. It kind of hit me in the middle of the assessment this afternoon, that this person is here expecting something, and that expectation is for me to be able to help them somehow.

The whole thing kind of freaked me out, and reminded me of the importance of seeking God with each person. The feedback I get in my student evaluations has consistently been that of leaning into the moment more intuitively with what I’ve learned and what I already know. I felt today when I was listening to this client, “What do I do with this? Where do I go from here?”, once the computerized questions were over (thank God).

And he expected me to know the answer to that. To say it broke my heart is perhaps too extreme, but it did something to the inside of me that touched, humbled, and gave me that I want to cry right now feeling. I feel like seeing people like this is its own kind of exercise I will have to get used to. It was harder than I thought, but still enjoyable enough to look forward to the next time. Believing in those, I’m sure, will get easier too.

“…not for shameful gain, but eagerly…”
~1 Peter 5:2~

Ethan and Laura are looking for a place to live. The plan was to wait until April when the apartment complex people said to call back. Dad encouraged Ethan that he really should be taking this on as his project, since he is living in the town and Laura is busy with school, work, and many wedding plans. I’m not sure what it is with the men, where it seems like you need to nudge them more. Not with everything, just certain things.

Dad got a call this morning from a church member saying that another church member had been on hospice for two months. The staff at the facility where she was at had said she likely did not have much time left. He didn’t even know at first who this person was, but when he looked them up in the old directory he remembered. He left very soon to visit with this woman who was alone in her room until the roommate came back in.

They went through the Commendation of the Dying. He’d been home again about an hour when he told me her husband called and said they must’ve just missed each other and that the lady has passed. The husband was sitting with her when it seemed to him she’d stopped breathing. He went and got the nurse and it was confirmed that yes, she’d died. Josh said he promised if I was ever on hospice, he’d be there by my side.

I said would you be able to handle me being mad at you for getting to live instead of me? He laughed and said something about not being excited to go see Jesus. It couldn’t be ruined by us getting in a fight, not that close to the very end. But if I died suddenly then it wouldn’t matter. Later I was back in bed crying, only momentarily, saying to him “I just want to die! I’m tired of this life!”, with all it’s stupidities and ways of suffering.

I’ve been thinking I should write up something for Ethan and call it something like Husband Lessons, breaking it down into five different categories. There are things they learn from Dad and things I feel they can learn from Mom. How it comes out, whether in written form or simply verbal is probably yet to be determined.

“We need to address the site abandonment issue.” The words sting and bring tears. I knew I was kind of going out on a limb when I texted my Contact supervisor asking if I could meet with two women from the emergency shelter when I came in later this week to meet with her. One of the faculty members had gone in to talk to her and when the issue came up about me leaving the site she was not aware this had happened.

I said before (and then deleted) how I’m used to dutifully (and resentfully) being the crazy person in these scenarios. I do actually miss Contact with its predictable liveliness and chaos. I miss the ease with which I had access to people, or the feeling like I must really be this trustworthy person to just be given such free reign with such a vulnerable population. It sure takes a special person to be some place like this, I told myself.

Sigh. So all of that is still an issue. I’m just silently praying (as in feeling a small internal desire somewhere), that the relationship I had with this person, and maybe even this facility, can somehow be salvaged, even if it is only to part on good terms, and bonus if there could also be mutual understanding. It’s a tall order in today’s world wherever people are involved. It doesn’t mean one won’t ever feel sad or sick over things.

It was a good day for Saturday chores. The boys cleaned in the basement and later raked leaves outside. The front of the house has returned to that state of looking simultaneously well used and well neglected. I don’t even know where all this stuff comes from or why I can’t seem to be one of those women who weeds and cleans.

They replaced the roof last summer before I had a chance to realize what was happening. There were just a few days where guys were here tearing off the old roof and then replacing it with the exact same color that was on there before. So there was no dramatic visual change or intentional choice to best match with the siding that will be hopefully next sometime in the summer or fall.

These are the kinds of things where you wonder what you’re supposed to feel and have to eventually end up back at that place again where you’re feeling grateful. The kids played outside in the yard and the rest of the sap was boiled in the side yard. I walked around barefoot and laid on the athletic field benches, calmed again by the sun.

Ethan texted and asked if I was going to Judah’s track meet. I’d been in bed for a while, having fallen asleep and then was slowly waking up. Yes, I said, and then he asked if I could Facetime for the races. It warms my heart to have him still be taking interest in his brother and I am thankful they have the connection of running. Sure, I said, but I don’t know what time the races are. Did he happen do know when the meet started?

It started at 4:30. I looked the clock that said 3:37. Shoot, we need to get out of here, I texted immediately back to him. Within five minutes the boys and I were on the road with an hour drive ahead of us and a 4×8 relay that was first. I’ll spare the drawn out story, but we made it with literally a minute to spare before the race started. I let the boys out, found a near parking spot, and was down at the track to see the whole race.

The girls run first which gave us just enough more time. They had the 4×1, and then the distance medley which he also was in. During one of the Facetimes I got to say hi to many of the teammates from Concordia. Who am I saying hi to, I asked, knowing I would know most of their faces even if I didn’t know voices. He said it was a lot of the ones in his class and I didn’t push it any further. The boys and I drove back home.

Dad was in Carlinville with Elianna. There aren’t enough girls on the track team to have a relay, so the two girls who run were signed up for another meet. We’d considered trying to make it for Elianna’s later race but it would’ve taken us over an hour and 70 miles with little chance we would make it. We were each just going to do our own thing for supper. The boys bought pizza from Dominos and I found a salad at County Market.

On the way home from the meet we passed the Riverton exit. They’re having this trauma retreat this weekend and originally Elianna and I were supposed to go for the Friday night film showing. This was before we knew that there were going to be two meets. I can remember in high school wanting to hang out with the partiers. I would be such a fun drunk, I thought, and it would be fun to just let my wild side have a place.

It’s kind of crazy how it’s different now, how I still want to be hanging out with these people but now it’s more like, “I would be such a good therapist. Just let me in. Just let me in.” But why am I thinking that? Why am I feeling such a longing to connect there? Why must every road be paved with so much want and self-denial? I want to be with these people and heal their souls and read their minds and leave it be when I can’t.

It will pain me at times. On the way home the boys were playing songs from my phone. When one of the songs was almost over I said, “Okay, play Something Just Like This by Coldplay”. He only heard the first part and started playing Pumped Up Kicks. I said this wasn’t what I requested, but didn’t mind because I liked the song. He said, “Oh I thought you meant something just like this as in a similar kind of song.” He’s so funny.

This morning Jezebel got thrown out of a window and eaten by dogs. I didn’t get much farther than that. The boys picked it up from there and I went back to my own writing or scheduling or whatever it was I was doing. It’s never all that important. Later we went for a walk down to the lake and enjoyed the nice day. I reminded them we were almost done with the school year, more as a reality check for myself that yet another year…

Zorro went a little crazy. Usually he does okay but sometime he gets wilder on walks. I finally told one of the boys to listen to me and let him off of the leash and stop trying to wrestle him. I don’t know if that was my natural instincts coming through or just the mom fear showing up and emasculating my son when he was trying to be strong. I kind of felt like sometimes it’s like people where you need to step away and take a break.

We had Italian beef for lunch that one of the cooks had leftover. It was actually good but I did not have time to eat much of it. It was too hot when I sat down and didn’t have time to let it cool. I had a dream last night of being late for my assessment, trying to figure out what to wear, fighting the slowness of dream time to not be late but I somehow still was. I was 20 minutes early and thank the Lord this one showed up.

I liked him. I always like these people and wish I could be with them longer. This time was almost two hours so that really was plenty after the probably hundreds of questions you have to go through and ask. I really just can’t help feeling like the other shoe is going to drop there. I pretty much told him that if I haven’t gotten any clients by the summer term then I’m just going to take that as a sign I’m supposed to move on.

It wasn’t said like an ultimatum but more just an acknowledgment that I can’t deny the obvious. Dad and I went to a visitation this evening for a former camp worker. He was one of the six adults who worked here when we were in college and fully realized how great we had it. He drilled tin cans into the dock poles so I’d no longer drop my radio/walkie talkie into the lake. It was a fabulous invention and worked many wonders.