The snow makes everything so beautiful. I just love it so much to have these seasons of winter when everything is hushed. I don’t think I could take it forever because there is something to being able to walk outside without coats. And be warmed by the sand. In the mornings I’ve been getting up and going straight for my coffee and readings. We have the best couch and I bring out with me at least one blanket.

The boys started back with school today. The bigger kids had a late start and didn’t have to be there until nine. Dad was back to work and even wore more dressier clothes. He said he’s been wearing clothes like this all along but I thought today he looked more professional. He does Bible study twice a month at the high school so he left for that before lunch. I made a casserole for the rest of us who were here. I actually made two so that the big kids would have an extra one that they could use for their lunches.

I’d asked my son about supper and he said chicken strips and cheesy potatoes so that was his birthday meal. Josh picked up a few things that he can use to hopefully clean up one of our vans that’s been sitting for a couple of years. Looking back we probably should’ve kept driving it at least every once in a while. But he’s hoping he can get it working and then use it for a vehicle. The back is covered in crayon.

The kids went to the Y after school. We’ve had this membership for years that gets used sometimes and sometimes doesn’t. The three older kids ran on the treadmills and I used some variation of recumbent bike that also had arm handles. Before that Ethan and I had gone to Walmart. He wanted to pick out a birthday present for Laura. He wants to get her a Cardinals shirt but I didn’t know that until we were there. Any time I’ve ever bought a Cardinals shirt I have bought them at Target. We found a few things.

Mr. Clean erasers and some marshmallow stuffed animal. Elianna and I drove home together and the boys followed fairly soon after. We had our birthday dinner and party plus the ice cream cake he wanted for dessert. I was actually very full afterward. Before that Dad and the boys had played outside in the snow drift by the indoor chapel. Zorro was there too and took another long nap. I had one too in the day.

The kids had a snow day because of the snow. We ended up with about seven inches which really isn’t that much. The worst of it was yesterday afternoon and evening when we actually had to drive in it. Josh took me to work and then picked me up when it was over. I was lucky to get out almost 45 minutes early because the night nurse who works on REACH came in early at 7. She came over around 10:15 to get report so I could go.

The kids of course wanted to play outside sometime today. They were out for several hours, I am not even kidding. Just when I thought they’d been out long enough Laura’s parents dropped her of since they were running errands in town. So then Dad took them all out to the big hill. I stayed inside and cleaned the living room and made cookies. Before they left they came in for a water break and I brought them cups.

Just when I thought it’d be time for everyone to come home a new group arrived to sled. Before that a neighbor asked if her husband could bring her son over to sled. It’s the same neighbor who was in my son’s class. I said of course and they had all just left for the big hill. Later she sent me a video of all the kids sledding down in a chain and riding over a ramp one of the boys had set up. It was actually quite amusing.

It took a while to bake the cookies because I only have one sheet that only holds eight at time. Zorro was out for a while and then he was in with me and then eventually he was down for a nap. He was out in the snow yesterday and after that came in and took a four hour nap. I’m just amazed at his energy, really by all of them I am amazed. I was short of breath just walking around the house again and carrying around the vacuum.

Well they all ended up back here eventually. I went for a walk and met them coming back by the chapel. So then I turned around because I was only walking to find them. Right about the time everyone got home a new group came to sled. It was Maddy and Matt and his brother and her mom and siblings. The mom and I have been semi-planning a spring break trip to Florida. We need somewhere where we can sunbathe.

Well her kids wanted to play with my boys and I told them they’d just been out for four hours. But they begged and said they’d been warmed by tea and cookies so I sighed and said fine if they are not going to freeze. Elianna went back with Zorro and two of the boys. Ethan and Laura stayed here and cuddled in the living room and for a while I was sitting by them looking at photo albums of the birthday boy when he was a baby.

There was a picture in there of Ethan crying and me hugging him. One day he’d started crying thinking about how he would have to grow up and leave me. I was wearing a hat he made me that said World’s Greatest Mom. I remember thinking when it happened, “I need to take a picture of this”, so I did, I took a selfie of me and him. He said he thought I looked smug in the picture but what I was feeling was a mix of joy, empathy, and love.

I told Judah last night that I didn’t have any presents for him. His birthday is just close enough to Christmas that it’s hard for me to be on top of it. I needed a day to get that figured out so we planned to celebrate it tomorrow once we had time to get something together. Today we celebrated still a little by stopping by church after the Epiphany service. We’d ended up staying longer to help take down the Christmas decorations.

So then after that we went to the store. He and Dad went in and they came back with some ice cream. Mint Chocolate Chip and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. On the way home we listened to music and drove slower because of the roads. Some of them were cleared off and others still had drifts and snow. We came home and sat at the table with bowls and spoons and Dad served the ice cream. We ate supper a few hours earlier.

Laura went back with Matt and David because they live in Auburn. Laura’s mom invited me to go with them to a bridal expo/show thing in Springfield this coming weekend. There is also a women’s retreat in March we talked about going to. It’s my weekend to work but it would only be for Friday night. Dad says it’s time to start getting up like adults again tomorrow. That made me laugh. I’m just shaking my head at this silliness.

“And even they, if they do not continue in their unbelief, will be grafted in, for God has the power to graft them in again.”
~Romans 11:23~

“In this passage (Romans 8:5-11) Paul is drawing a contrast between two kinds of life.

(i) There is the life which is dominated by sinful human nature; the life whose focus and center is self; the life that is absorbed in the things that fascinate sinful human nature; the life whose only law is its own desires; the life which takes what it likes where it likes; In different people that life will be differently described. It may be passion-controlled, or lust-controlled, or pride-controlled, or ambition-controlled. It’s characteristic is its absorption in the things that human nature without Christ sets his heart upon.

(ii) There is the life that is dominated by the Spirit of God. In the man’s heart is the Spirit. As he lives in the air, he lives in Christ, never separated from Him. As he breathes in the air, and the air fills him, so Christ fills him. He has no mind of his own. Christ is his mind. He has no desires of his own; the will of Christ is his only law.”

~William Barclay, The Letter to the Romans (The Daily Study Bible Series)

“Do not present your members to sin as instruments of unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness.”
~Romans 6:13~

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around this book, but yesterday I read Romans 6 and today Romans 7. What’s hard for me to understand is this division of persons. We have this flesh that has been crucified and with that it’s passions and desires (Galatians 5:24). We have died with Christ and therefore been set free from sin.

And at the same time there is still this war being waged inside the Christian. I’d say war is too extreme and strong of word but that is the word I am seeing. The desire to do good is there, but in the flesh, not the ability. In the flesh lies the desire for evil, but that part is not to reign. So is the flesh, is the sin in me dead or alive?

I think they are dead, for the sinful way has died with Christ. But just as death, though conquered, still remains here on earth, still the death that’s part of me. In Christ, however, now a new man lives in me, and in that body the hope (the promise) of a world that is free from sin. Wherever the death is, in Christ, so too is the life.

It’s getting cold outside again. I tried to walk outside and lasted only a few minutes. They’re predicting anywhere between 8-11 inches of snow on Sunday which already had our church secretary sending out emails to inform the congregants of the canceled church service. It doesn’t happen very often, but I actually like when pastors cancel church for snow in these instances. Sometimes God is simply telling us to stay home.

Nature is something you don’t mess with. During group today my phone went off with a voicemail from my boss saying that she needed to talk to me about something. Boy did I give that way too much energy. Turns out she was only checking in on the people scheduled for the weekend and making sure we’d be able to come. She and the care center director are planning on staying through the weekend to be available for backup.

Josh is already planning on taking me and picking me up. I’ve still felt like moderate crap but I’ll be okay to go to work. After group I came home and changed into my pajamas after dropping off one of the boys at the neighbors. It’s one of the boys who was in his class at school. The mom when I was dropping him off said she had said to another mom that she wanted to be best friends with me. The other mom said I was so pretty.

I’d wanted to have her son over back before school started. She’d texted while we were on vacation and I said we’d try to find a time once we got back. With busyness on my end and then on hers it never happened. So I apologized for that and for not getting back to her. I finally started talking in group so now I just need to turn it into a habit or something that happens without you really even thinking or your heart pounding too.

I really like the thrive center and wish I could see my future with it. Do I ever work there? Do I walk away? Do I need to be intentionally investing more time? I like having flexibility but when you can’t commit you’re a nebulous cloud. I came home and rested for the rest of the day. Dad and the boys were working on some van repairs and Elianna managed Zorro and tuned her guitar with my phone. I’m very grateful for warm houses.

The Christmas days are winding down. I can’t imagine having a job where you have to work the day after Christmas or even the week after. Christmas seems to be the one holiday of the year where the majority of people have some semblance of respect and appreciation for rest and family. When we cross through Springfield on Christmas evening, every year it is a sight to behold where every store is dark and every lot empty.

On New Year’s it doesn’t happen. On any other holiday it doesn’t happen. Today I did some tidying underneath around the tree. The Christmas ornaments came off and I gathered up the tree skirt and piled the stockings to be washed. At some point a cat threw up under there so that’s why I’m washing it. There’s a massive pile of laundry in the laundry room as a result of the boys spending daily cleaning time in their room.

I don’t need Christmas to stay as long like I used to. But still there is that question, “How do you just go back to normal?” I love the gradualness of it all, both the leading up and the coming down. I only feel the pressure once the new year comes and it seems a little stale to have these stockings still laying around. You start to dream of meals again, something other than snacks and leftovers and whatever we’ve else been surviving on.

I like how Christmas holds both years, the one before and the one beginning. This only works if you take 12 days (if you’re going to celebrate a few you might as well celebrate all of them). But the new year, yes. I need to start checking my email again, and start showing up for some hours again. This class I’m taking was scheduled to meet four times, one in December, three in January. I didn’t go tonight so I will have to make it up.

Two days after Christmas group attendance was high. I did go for that. If I survive another year I could be done with all of this in only 12 months. I made chicken soup for supper at the request of one of the kids whose under the weather. The boys have a friend over. I’ve heard from Ethan a couple of times and even from Laura. Dad still has some time off minus the usual writing or management. Tis still the season of my heart.

“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits.”
~Psalm 103:2~

We finally had some clear skies, and with it, much colder temps. For the most part I like the climate here but the soggy, moisture ridden air with extended cloudy days can really be a drag. I was in bed most of the day again except for a walk down the beach trail and back. That was enough. For the evening we returned to my mother-in-law’s house for supper and a little more hanging out with my sister-in-law and her family.

Zorro comes with us when we go. I can’t believe how much he’s grown. Right now he’s still fitting in the kennel we bought for the raccoons. His shape is looking more defined and muscular and I would guess he’s close to having doubled in size. Why does it tug at our hearts so much when this happens? Growing up is good, being healthy is good. We had a nice time around the table and playing games.

I think the above is my chosen verse for the year. I love the lines that follow which outline for us “all his benefits”. He forgives our iniquities. He heals our diseases. He redeems our life from the pit. He crowns us with steadfast love and mercy. The words included here show us the progression of life in Christ. He forgives, he heals, redeems, and crowns. This progression is ours over the course of a lifetime and many times over.

Here we are at the end of another year. The older lady who to used babysit us kids would say “How bout that” in times like this. It wasn’t quite wonder but it was showing acknowledgment that something notable had happened. I called my Grandma this evening and she brought this woman up as one of the people she imagines finally seeing again in heaven. She had some interesting thoughts I’d not heard her say before.

Usually she talks about seeing Jesus when we get there, but tonight she was like, “I don’t know. I don’t know how Jesus can meet everybody” and then proceeded to go on about there being so many people in the world who die and go to Jesus. How does he meet them all? I told her that even if he was busy at first he would probably eventually get around to catching up with us and meeting us. But maybe loved ones we’d see first.

Mary Jane (the lady) and Morgan, her parents, her brother, and of course Ken and Susan. In the times that I have hoped not to die, one of the reasons was because I’d not want to go before my grandma. I just think that would be too much for her. Yes she could handle it and her faith in God would get her through. There would be the peace of God that passes all understanding. We spoke of more of the saints and years ago tragedies.

Not just me but any of us kids. My siblings are partying again up north at one of my sister’s houses. Me and another brother aren’t there for the festivities. I am pretty much partied out and have used up my holiday energies. I have basically been in bed the past two days minus some minor time spent cleaning. I offered Elianna $20 to help me clean and organize my room. We went through clothes and she sorted my drawers.

I spent some time in prayer this morning as I am drawn back to it when not feeling as well. The past couple of new years have included some kind of mention to “build back strength and stamina”. Each year I think that this will be the year it happens. At some point in all this I decided that strength was going to have be something I received and not worked for. There was a posture of acceptance in the giving up of timetables.

If it was God’s will for me to have strength and stamina then I would just have to wait until it was poured back into me. There was peace in that acceptance but today I had doubt again, like that checking yourself and praying and wondering if there isn’t more I ought to be searching out or doing. More answers. Some kind of naturopath. Forcing myself when the energy isn’t there. I was simply too tired to go to Grandma’s tonight.

I have to trust they’ll understand and won’t hold it against me when they don’t. I wish I understood it more, had better words to offer explanations. As my grandma said tonight, everybody gets tired. Josh, the kids, and I started catching up on The Chosen. We watched through Season three and then were busy through Season 4 when it came out. We finished the first season episode where John the Baptist’s head gets cut off.

This year a desire of mine is to get over myself. When we were sitting in the kitchen at one of these recent Christmas parties there was the usual talk that can happen with women where we swap our birth stories and compare our pregnancy experiences. I have this part of me that wants to be seen as the expert, the wise one, the one who people go to for advice and inspiration. It’s not all bad but it can lean toward excessive.

Honestly I just want to encourage people in their lives. To be the kind older sister who offers a listening ear in times of discouragement. I don’t have to the answers, I don’t have to have the life experiences that stop the hearers in their tracks and give me outs for better stories. You can feel sometimes like people have to know your stories for credibility. Or that “you have no idea what I’ve been through” energy scratches.

None of that is necessary for the outcomes I am wanting. Do I want to be fun and happy, yes, but ultimately I want to be kind and present. Those are things that benefit people most. We got a Christmas card from my college roommate who’d gone through a year of several surgeries. Neither one of us had any idea and I think, “For God’s sake, the least I can do is send a card” and let her know I am thinking about her and praying.

That’s the kind of getting over myself that I mean. To stop and see, if only for a moment, another person in what they’re going through. It doesn’t have to be grand, it doesn’t have to be constant. God takes care of those necessities and thankfully leaves the little things to little us. So for the new year that is my prayer and my hope, to be faithful in the little things as they occur, as I am able, and continue trusting in the care of the Lord.

Ode to a Man’s Love

I believe in you, you’re different
Too long I’ve tried to make you mine
The books they wrote on inspiration
Would’ve been better to study you
On the sixth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me initiation
And on the fifth day a written letter
And on the fourth day I will keep it
You melt these knots in my heart
As you say, as yours too dissolve

The weirdest thing happened to me this morning. John Blase started following me on Instagram. All I did was read the Substack post he’d posted in his stories and said “Great post!”. That’s all I did. This isn’t any different from anything else I’ve ever said to him every so often for the past nine or ten years. Did he follow me when I DM’d him back in Hoyleton about a poem he’d written or a couple of years ago when I asked him about a post I remembered reading but couldn’t find and then he sent it?

No. Did he follow me when I was actually writing things I would’ve wanted him to read like when I’d written several posts that were inspired by something he wrote? Nothing. So I don’t know what it was about this time that made him click the follow button. I’m sure one day he’ll be tired of the hidden burdens that come with fame like never truly feeling known even though all these people think they know you. And he’ll remove my name from his list because we don’t actually know each other. I’m over it now.

It did make me laugh though. Sometimes I read his stuff and think he needs to be happier. I get the melancholy and the fear of happiness because it is often so fleeting. It feels safer to stay in the sad so that when the next round comes it’s not such a shock to the system, or that’s what we can tell ourselves. It would still be a shock but maybe not so far to fall if we were already camped out in the land of the sad. I think we’re robbed of happiness and joy when we do this. Happiness is real, true, and joy is too.

The days are blurring together as they’re known to do this time of year. My body is sore all over after sitting for several hours today in a Cracker Barrel chair. I met my friend Jenna in Lincoln which is basically halfway between here and East Peoria. It’s become a tradition to get together when she’s visiting her parents. She has seven kids now including two set of twins. One set is already something but two is just wild. Our houses are still messes and I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to report something different.

I process so much that never quite makes it out here. Solidifying thoughts is very difficult, especially deeper ones. Sometimes I wonder if I just closed my eyes and tried to type what I see instead of what I hear if that might make a difference. I come to the end of a post and think, “Surely there was more than that?” More to say, more to express, more to attempt to articulate for clarity’s sake or some semblance of helpfulness. More for another day when closing my eyes was not so wondrous.