The day began busy. Josh and I went to County Market to get the remaining food for the night time. My brother was planning to be there around eleven and made it right about that time. He usually goes over toward my other two sister but I guess I wanted a turn this time. He had no plans and I was happy he came, spent the day, and spent the night.

My parents stopped by in the afternoon. My youngest sister was with them and they were in town after spending some time at the stores. I never know how to approach Christmas with them lately since they don’t technically celebrate it. They aren’t a fan of trees and they don’t eat pork. So I like when they’re here I just don’t want to offend them.

My brother had wanted these slider sandwiches my grandma used to make when she was alive. Thankfully I had also bought turkey to make them with. Mom and Dad ended up staying later and when it came near to supper time we started heating up sandwiches. Ethan was with Laura and Elianna with Miles at their respective churches. Afterward they came back here until our candlelight service at 10:30.

I really feel bad for the pastor who keeps doing this. I think he does it because he thinks that he has to, that he can’t disappoint the people who expect this old tradition. But I don’t know, I just feel like pastor’s should go to bed at a decent hour and get their rest. At some point it was Miles, Laura, Schneipp, Aiden and my mother-in-law who were also at home with us. They watched a short movie or two and ate snacks until it was time for church.

A few of us left to go see a light show. It didn’t end up still being going but it still was fun to travel through town. We had to get gas but no places were open. My son tried two different stations and none of them worked because it was so late. Earlier in the day and night I’d done some wrapping. We finished it though once the service was over. The boys stayed up for a while downstairs and my sister, Josh, and I were up til 2 in the morning.

December flew by again this year. It’s not a surprise and I’ve come to expect this. But each year you try to slow it down a little in order to savor the time with loved ones. I need to find the quote but somewhere in Ann Voskamp’s book 1000 gifts, she talks about time being like a river and when you step into the river you can actually slow time. Like when you slow down to be present you actually get more time.

It doesn’t pass by so quickly and you don’t end up missing it. Like most things, it isn’t perfect and there are those seeming exceptions like December, but for the most part I think she’s right that when you take time time in the moment to be more present and appreciate your life you end up living a better and fuller life. This year is a little different in that I have not been intentionally building up to Christmas Day.

Not that I intentionally build it up other years, it was just the natural result of my actions. We did do some shopping in the afternoon to where I feel better now about having presents to open. We didn’t have enough gifts for them. The thing about Christmas shopping is that you have to have at least once where you browse and look for the thing you wouldn’t have thought of. You only know when you see it.

And then you start getting ideas like, “Ooooo, they could totally play with this in the open areas of Grandma’s basement” or “Oh this would be fun for them to all play together” and then you find a little box of accessories to go with it to split up amongst the stockings. Those kinds of things only happen in stores. That was a theme of the bigger gifts this year. They were things they could play with and share.

The update on the lung thing is that now I’m being referred to a pulmonologist. They will call me back when they have something set up. I did get a more detailed wording about whatever it is but it’s still not giving me any clear answers. Obviously I’d prefer that this wasn’t some kind of cancerous lesion that’s going to end up killing me in a year or even sooner or later. I guess there is a part of me that would still want to live.

Zorro bit off the part of the Christmas lights that plug into the outlet. So our Christmas tree in the mudroom is currently lightless. I have a spare strand of clear ones that somebody could replace them with but I haven’t decided if we should try and do that yet. It’s a nicer day weather wise and when the sun is out and it’s warmer he doesn’t mind being outside and will even nap in the sun and dig around in the yard.

It’s nice that we have this already made fence. Work last night went very smoothly which I was incredibly grateful and thankful to God for. I came home and on the way picked up Elianna from a friend’s house. The moon looked like a huge half-hidden lighted ball. It took me a minute to figure out what it was because of the strands of clouds overlapping it and because it was so big. Ethan was still out at Laura’s house.

He texted around 1 saying he was on his way home. I told him we needed to talk about curfews but we could talk about it later. This morning the kids went to Sunday school and I watched Dad preaching at Trinity from the computer. In his sermon he praised my ability to put things from the fridge and pantry together to form a meal. I kind of thought it was funny he praised such a mediocre quality but I knew he was trying.

I’m finding that even when stress is subconscious it’s still effecting my body. I wouldn’t necessarily even say I’ve felt stressed. In my head things are calm there but the past couple of years have in fact been very stressful in terms of things going on around the holiday season. My school load feels significantly lighter but it takes time and is also exposure to foreign environments. My job is good but the same is true there.

Thanksgiving for my family always takes a lot out of me but the past few years with school has taken the holidays to different levels. I toy with the idea of telling them I can no longer host, and even with my part there is plenty of help that comes from others. But anymore come November, I start to dread this time of year because of all the variables and different requirements. It feels like I have significantly cut back.

And yet I’m still here needing rest on the daily and it isn’t just “Oh I just need a quick nap.” I wrapped four presents, cleaned the bathroom, now I’m done. It’s the tightness in the chest that does go away when I take medicine but in weaker times the stress or major movement brings it back. For a while I’d gone weeks, months (?) without naps. I felt good and untired. So when it comes back I try to remember those days.

Why do I miss you tonight
more than others?

It’s my own fault
for wanting
this hour in the sand

That movie we watched
made me yearn
for something greater

I wouldn’t be like
the woman there
against you, annoying

And you could just be
the person I understand

I keep seeing these posts on Instagram about sharing the holiday mental load with your partner. As in, explaining how women have all these things they are thinking about and are completely exhausted by the holiday season and expectations. The way to relieve some of this burden is for men to step up and be aware of what is going on in terms of what their wife is trying to accomplish and all of the things she is thinking about.

This in my opinion is an unrealistic expectation. There are definitely times when men need to be more aware, and anymore it’s just part of marriage these days where the two people are going to have to work out the house chores and daily functions in a way that is generally satisfactory for both parties. In my experience this distribution of labor has changed over the years and is one of those things that adjusts with the needs.

What I mean is that you can’t expect him to be the Christmas magic fairy. There are legitimate differences between men and women and as frustrating and hard to understand as it can be, allowing each other to be each other and not holding that against them is an integral part of being married. I’m not trying to be unsympathetic toward women it’s just that you can’t expect men to be our twin in mind and ability.

I say all of this as my own Christmas magic expectations have had to adjust and my husband is currently out with our two oldest boys going shopping and running errands. I have to work this weekend and have limited energy that can’t be spent at the stores. He is off work this week and typically enjoys catching up on Christmas errands and taking part in the shopping. I’ve texted him some things and he’s picking them up.

And getting our son fit for a better-sized running shoes, and finding anything else for himself that he wants. It’s different every year but this year we’re just buying our own gifts then someone can give them to us. I picked out two books, plus the recumbent bike I ordered earlier in the month was supposed to count as my present. He was getting himself some cigars and new work boots. I’m working on a Christmas menu.

Laura came over for the afternoon and evening. There is something about having an “outsider” in your presence that opens your eyes to potential patterns or habits that could use some adjustments or working on. The boys enjoy sitting and watching each other play video games. I don’t like them doing this all the time but other times I don’t even notice or care that much because I am also enjoying doing other things that I like.

But when there’s a girl over, and it’s not like it’s the first time she’s been over, there has to be some awareness that what she enjoys doing and what the boys enjoy doing may in fact be two very completely different things. So it’s important to find something that you both like doing so that you can do those things and make memories together. Even as a family, as kids have gotten older, I’ve realized that I haven’t cultivated this as much.

Both Miles and Laura’s families play games. The kids and I worked on a puzzle at the kitchen table. We used to do puzzles and then label them at the bottom with the year and who helped with the completion. It was actually fun to participate and drink our hot chocolate and have our Christmas songs playing. Zorro likes the new rug in the mud room and it makes me happy to see the kids in there too and also enjoying the space.

“And Paul said, ‘Whether short or long, I would to God that not only you but also all who hear me this day might become such as I am–except for these chains.'”
~Acts 26:29~

The boys went down to the woodshed to get firewood. They’ve gone through so much wood this year, I think more people are driving down and taking it. I sometimes can feel a little protective of the resources because there is no official system for distributing things. Someone will ask my husband, hey I’m needing some wood for my fireplace/stove, can I come by and fill the back of my pickup?

I’ve only known of that happening once. It’s a lot of work to chop wood and I have no idea how people stayed warm through the winter. Just to take one household running would take a lot, but then you multiply that by an entire village and it seems like men would’ve had to spend half their lives chopping wood. I can’t even imagine having to cook with it or bake with it 100% of the time.

And then the forests apparently were abundant with trees that kept such wood available year after year. I don’t understand how they never ran out. Not everyone just lives right next to a forest so if you didn’t then where were you supposed to go and get your wood from? Trees wouldn’t have grown fast enough to replace themselves. Then they drove back and stacked it under the backyard stairs.

I’m starting to have dreams about getting ready for Christmas. I don’t think I’ve ever been so unprepared. The boys and I went shopping Monday but the trip itself did not last long. I imagined this fun time together driving around in the Christmas spirit. We’d stop somewhere for hot chocolate, browse some stores, get ideas for gifts and even buy some to get our collection started.

Barnes and Noble was fine but after that we were all zapped. We managed to walk into Ross and buy a rug, but no one wanted to be in there for any longer than we had to. It truly was like our souls were being drained from us. The long line, the shoppers staring blankly, the checkout people who had no spring in their step either. What in the world was going on? We ended up going home.

But I’m going to have to go back sometime. Over a month ago now I went to the doctor to do my annual checkup early and to tell the NP about some things that’d been bothering me. She ordered a CT of the pelvis and abdomen. That all came back clear except for the area where they could also see the very bottom of my lungs. I didn’t really ask for clarification about the wording.

So I had to go back and get a chest x-ray. I didn’t even tell Josh about it because I didn’t want to. But he was in the car with me when the girl from the office called back and said that it was still showing some kind of irregularity. It’s something like a haziness in the right lower lobe. So now I have to go back and get a chest CT and they will call and let me know when they’ve got it set up.

So I had a moment of being like, “Well crap. I’m dying”, and felt more mad about it then anything else. But it was only for a moment because like I’ve said, I’ve lived my life and I’m good. God has blessed me with 42 years and that’s more than many other people get to live. I’ve watched my kids go through grief and I know they’d be fine. My husband is obviously capable of handing our lives.

It’s not the way I would’ve written my story but God does not ask or give us the pen. It’s frustrating because I just want to put this behind me but then it keeps coming up with the need for more things. But in the meantime I’m going to just try to not worry about it because God says not to. The kids have finals this week before they are off for Christmas break. Ethan was done Monday.

He’s riding down with Laura’s dad to St. Louis to pick up Laura from the airport. Laura’s mom had asked if he wanted to go and so I asked him and he said sure. I told him he might as well start getting to know his (potentially future) in-laws a little more and start the process of building memories with them. I believe that every day is special and I try to live my life in a way that reflects that.

“For we have found this man a plague, one who stirs up riots among all the Jews throughout the world and is a ringleader of the sect of the Nazarenes.”
~Acts 24:5~

Multiple times throughout the book of Acts you see references to the Pharisees or religious leaders being jealous. It is the jealousy in their hearts that prompts them to act wrongly against the apostles. When crowds were drawn, when people listened, when there were messages being preached against their own protected messages, that’s when it mentions that they were jealous. It almost makes me feel sorry for them.

Like, they had nothing to be threatened by. I feel like it’s important that this jealousy is mentioned because otherwise you might be able to think that they were just being zealous for their old religion. You can kind of understand being protective of that. You can understand them wanting to defend their truth. But somewhere they must have known that they were profiting from this arrangement where they are the truth keepers.

So I think these leaders are an example of how sinful corruption plays out. Good leadership wants freedom for others, not burdens. The yoke Jesus offers is light compared to the burden that the Pharisees offered which was heavy. When we talk about picking up our crosses and following Jesus I wonder if he counted crosses in the definition of yoke. Wouldn’t that be something? That Jesus makes our crosses lighter.

“When we are in the grips of illness, a major focus in our mind is the hope of getting back to where we were before this sickness began. But we are not meant to go back.”
~Francis Weller, The Wild Edge of Sorrow~

I completely miss the fact sometimes that God isn’t aiming to tweak our lives or even amend our lives, but rather his desire is to give us new lives.

New hearts. New minds. And in this process he becomes like a stranger, not because he doesn’t love you or because you don’t know him, but because

We don’t recognize his coming, and at the same he is there with you, saying, that this person you’re looking for, he’s not in the past. He’s in the future.