The boys and I went for a walk after school. On the way away from the house one of them asked if I was in a bad mood. I said, no, I was just wanting to get going on our walk. I’d kind of announced it that we were going, or maybe I asked them, I don’t remember. But one went into the garage for something, then another into the office once the one had come back, and then Lauren came out and talked for a while.

We found Casper by the first aid cabin. I call him Dipstick sometimes now. It’s kind of a cute name for him because he’s so cute. He followed us down the hill and waited in the shade for us to turn around. Sometimes the boys think they need to slow down and wait for him, but he will run and catch up once we’re walking away. We walked up to main camp and then down to the beach and back up the path to the house again.

Dad was home eating lunch. Oh hi, I said, startled, having forgotten he said he’d be home around one. He mows a lot in the fall until the weather turns cooler. I almost felt mad about it thinking someone else could be doing that, but he wouldn’t be doing it if he didn’t love, or even need it somehow. I would’ve made something for him but he had already made it, a replication of the grilled ham and cheese I’d made yesterday.

There was a slight alteration. An elder at church had told everybody to use mayonnaise on the outside instead of butter. I’m sure eating it is fine but it grosses me out to think of so I didn’t make it that way. I told the boys they need to be eating apples with their lunches. It’s more fiber for their systems and everyone just needs to be eating more fruits and vegetables anyway. I have no idea what I ate or if I did. I can’t remember.

If school could be longer, I’d let it. It’s never worked to have too much to do in the afternoon. Sometimes in the middle of the afternoons I will miss them. And I will go down to where they are and say, “Boys…”, my quiet thoughts trailing off. They are watching something or playing with something, but always attentive to my presence. Today they went with Dad to clean the range space and then to Grandma’s to work.

Elianna had a meet in Pittsfield. We left home about 2:25 and met my mother-in-law at Barnes and Noble where she left her car and joined up with us. It’s a longer trip, and on those we usually ride together. The ride isn’t bad. It’s basically like driving to Hannibal except not as far. There are many rivers on the way to Nebraska. I think we counted about 8-10. None of them would take very long to swim across.

The longest would be the Mississippi at around 5-10 minutes, at least in the place we cross over on the bridge. Miles was asking if I’m just going to do this with strictly U.S. rivers or if I’d also do international ones. I hadn’t even thought about it, but the U.S. ones would be sufficient for me. He said I should at least plan to include the Euphrates and the Jordan. I don’t know anything about the land or rules over there.

After arriving we met up with the kids. Our high school son rode the bus because he decided he wanted to join the team after all. The coach said he’s on the roster to run in the second Lincoln park meet on Saturday. That’s the hardest course they run so an interesting one to start out with. They have a JV race so he’s entered with Logan which I was glad for that option. The old coach quit so it’s one of the teachers.

Elianna wanted to medal because she’s medaled every race here. Top ten get medals and on the second loop three of the LuHigh girls were 8,9, and 10. By mid point they always look like they’re struggling. Beforehand I told Elianna I’ll love her no matter what place she gets and she said that makes it sound like I don’t believe in her or think she can do it. We have to be honest to our truest selves and so I said what I said.

The group of girls finished 8th, 10th, and 12th, and she had her medal. I was happy she did. I was there to see the finish but Dad is the one who meets them all at the finish line. I need to give them space and time before I am able to get closer because it hurts me too much to see them that spent. Running is a very emotional sport. It’s the only sport where I will cry or get choked up for whatever odd reason.

Before the boys race I saw a friend. We’re not as close as we used to be but here and there we still can connect with the basics. I asked if the divorce was official now, as it’s been a very long process of over two years with this or that delay for this or that reason, mostly because she did not go down willingly. We stood there, still, and I said it’s still a shock. We wiped away tears. Never will this ever seem like something that

The hardest part for me is feeling like this was overcomeable. I say this as someone who’s been through marriage counseling at least three different times. Some more time, the right help, I do believe they could have done it. That’s the part he and I do not understand. There has to be some missing piece, some information we do not know, it doesn’t make sense to us the way it is, the way this had to end at all.

I’m glad I didn’t start this internship without learning a few things first about expectations and idealism. Last week in class we had a rather depressing discussion about how the systems that our society has set up to help people are basically failing at astronomical levels. Several women in my group have worked as teachers in the schools. Even over the past 10-15 years, and especially over the past 5, things have changed so rapidly that the old way of doing school is not working anymore. System change is slow.

The kids have changed and people have changed. One of the interns is working at Memorial Behavioral Health with the same partial-hospitalization program where I did my practicum. The problem he sees is that this program is being offered in the portion of the day when most normal people are expected to work. It also feels impersonal because the entire program is scripted due to having to meet certain health insurance requirements. Only certain therapies are approved, many of which are outdated.

Because there have been many more discoveries and researched-backed methods even since the time that CBT on the scene. When people are only there for 2-3 weeks, you’re barely scratching the surface with being able to address their problems. Whenever I talked to people I would tell them that this program wasn’t going to be the place where they were cured. What it would hopefully be for them was a place where they could receive support during a critical point in their life. It would set them on a path.

During the groups, as you pay attention, find one or two things that really stand out to you. It will be different for every person, but hopefully there will be something in there you can take with you that will empower you as you continue along on the healing journey that you are hopefully on. I didn’t say all that to him but I was remembering while sitting there. He needed to get it off his chest and that is partly what group supervision time is for. To share frustrations and process experiences with the class.

The other time is for presenting videos which is what I was recording yesterday evening while talking with one of the moms. I decided I wasn’t even going to ask about recording anything in the kid groups just to avoid the potential of making moms feel uncomfortable. Most people decline to be in the camera view, which I’m pretty sure I would too. So the videos are of the “counselor” as you can hear the voice of the other. This was only our second meeting so there were many new things I learned about her.

We left for home around 8. Things were going great time-wise even with the stop in Nebraska City and the one near St. Joseph. We were on schedule to get Miles back to school sometime in the early 1:00 hour. But somewhere I realized this was not the right road. I’d done this once before coming back by myself. I started seeing signs saying 435-Kansas City. The whole thing, with a traffic jam included, adds about two extra hours.

I was not happy. Two extra hours of sitting is lot to ask of a person, a lot to ask of a body that aches and craves movement, and to go from making such great time to adding two more hours to not just my ride, but theirs also…I was quiet, silent, breathing deeply to stay calm. I stared down at the line of traffic and we talked about enduring our flaws with peace and how we were not even going to think about the added time.

I tried to not to ruin the mood with my vibe, which had gone from having fun to now greatly disheartened. Something happens in St. Joseph where I have twice now missed a turn. I don’t remember my brain being like this, where it’s compromised with these kind of directional memories. What is it about this particular road transition that is different from the others and causes me to repeatedly miss it? Next time I will watch to find out.

The kids handled it well. When I eventually realized that this meant they’d get to spend some extra time together I was able to let it go and continue on enjoying the trip. Miles drove once we were back on 36 and he and Elianna continued with their music and numbers game. I’d been looking forward to getting home with plenty of time for making a cozy supper for everybody. The fall weather and time away had increased this desire.

There was still food left to have something on hand. Josh and the boys made a trip to the store to restock breakfast and lunch for the upcoming week. When we arrived home supper was ready so we ate. “How was Kansas City?”, asked one of the boys. It was good, I said. I’d even seen some Royals fans dressed up in their jerseys. We all took turns listening to the weekend’s stories. Afterward I went for a walk and Elianna a run.

We had a meet this morning at Mahoney Golf Course in Lincoln. The team bus left around 7:30 and Miles met us here at the house around 8:30. The hotel we normally stay at was booked yesterday when we called to check on availability. They have a more sketch looking inn place that for whatever reason never feels like an option. I looked up Airb&b places and found this cute little place called The Liberty House.

It’s only a few blocks from campus. There are three total rooms that the hostess rents out, all of them on the upper floor. The bottom floor is an antique shop. The only bad thing about it is having to share a bathroom with other guests. With three guest rooms and two bathrooms it doesn’t work out for everyone to have their own. The course for this race was open and beautiful with lots of places to see the runners.

After the meet we found an Applebees for lunch. Thankfully it wasn’t crowded. It was nice to sit and enjoy each other and the food. We had talked about going to the Sunken Gardens when we weren’t sure if we’d have enough to do to fill the time, but we ended up cutting that out of the plan. We went home and after a while met up at the church for their Saturday service. It was a good day and we enjoyed the time together.

Elianna and I left around 7:10 in the morning. We dropped my son at the LuHigh bus stop in town and went to Harvest Market to find some coffee and breakfast. They didn’t really have anything that looked good, was healthy, and was easy to grab. She ordered a smoothie and I asked for a small black coffee. I can drink regular coffee now without it doing whatever it used to do to my nerves. I still limit myself to only a few cups a week.

We ended up stopping by McDonalds for oatmeal. I’m on the second day of my walking 30-minutes a day plan. I just need to start somewhere and be consistent with something, and especially where we live, walking is such a readily accessible form of exercise. On the way out of Illinois we swung by Hannibal to pick up Miles. He originally wasn’t able to come but his soccer game in Indiana was cancelled due to lack of refs.

I only drove about halfway and then they took over. For lunch we found a Hyvee where there were plenty of options that weren’t fast food. For supper we ate at a regular bar and grill that we’d never been to before in Seward. Elianna and I walked back to the dorm and the boys drove. We walked around campus for a short time and then lounged a bit in the campus center. The boys went back to the dorm and she and I to our room.

I left for class early so I could figure out exactly went wrong with last week’s getting lost incident. The door that I go into actually walks into the second floor. When I get on the elevator to go upstairs, there is a two on the door and a sign that says “Level 2”. So last week when I got on the elevator to go back down, I should’ve taken it back to the second floor, not the first. I’d not done that before but for some reason was confused.

To search it out further, I asked the girl sitting next to me if she thought the layout of this particular Brookens building was confusing. She said it definitely was so it wasn’t just me. She works at the university and used to train tour guides, so she happened to know the random fact that the architect who designed the building strongly believed that students could not learn how to think outside the box if they were going to school in a box.

So he designed the building to have zero right angles. I was going to say it was shaped like an octagon or something like that but that’s not quite right either. The classrooms are all in the inner portion of the building and have no windows. The music for the ride there was worship and praise music. I heard a beautiful song I’d never before heard, that when I caught the words, I was sure they were saying the most marvelous things.

Come Behold the Wondrous Mystery
by Matt Boswell, Michael Bleecker, Matt Papa

Come behold the wondrous mystery
In the dawning of the King
He the theme of heaven’s praises
Robed in frail humanity
In our longing, in our darkness
Now the light of life has come
Look to Christ, who condescended
Took on flesh to ransom us

Come behold the wondrous mystery
He the perfect Son of Man
In His living, in His suffering
Never trace nor stain of sin
See the true and better Adam
Come to save the hell-bound man
Christ the great and sure fulfillment
Of the law, in Him we stand

Come behold the wondrous mystery
Christ the Lord upon the tree
In the stead of ruined sinners
Hangs the Lamb in victory
See the price of our redemption
See the Father’s plan unfold
Bringing many sons to glory
Grace unmeasured, love untold

Come behold the wondrous mystery
Slain by death the God of life
But no grave could ever restrain Him
Praise the Lord, He is alive

What a foretaste of deliverance
How unwavering our hope
Christ in power resurrected
As we will be when he comes

The vultures surprised me one day while walking. I’m used to seeing them in trees but they caught me off guard on this day when their dark silhouettes blended in with the branches. Not to speak poorly about the Lord’s creatures but these particular ones fill me with no awe. No delight or excitement. They repulse me by the way they hang out with the dead things and rest in only the dead trees. Have they no inner sense?

I’ve had death on my mind. The 40ish year old daughter of one of our former district presidents passed away this past weekend due to a brain tumor. It was found in the summer and was very aggressive. Where do these things even come from, it’s awful. To think that you can get that far into life and still not be done, to imagine that a trial that grievous could still be awaiting you even decades into the future is too much for me.

We’re all just one strange pain away from a terrible, awful diagnosis. I made a group chat with my two oldest kids who have phones and I’ve decided I’m just going to start shamelessly sharing. I don’t care if they don’t write anything back to me. As I feel inspired and has thoughts come to I will pass them along for them to read now or later, whenever. I never thought I’d be this lost, that I’d ever not know what to do with myself.

I was telling Josh the other day that if I was in that situation, if I was the one who was dying, according to God, a precious death in his eyes, that I think I would feel a little bit mad at him for being the one who gets to live. Would he feel that way, I asked. No, he said, almost a little incensed. That he would have the kids, their future lives, or even have another woman in life…I pray I would have the grace to truly love him unto death.

“Thank you. I love you. I’m sorry.” That’s all that would need to be said by me, and said all without malice, without envy, without shame. “I forgive you. I love you. Thank you, too.” My hand, with no strength, would be resting in his, and my breath would leave me at precisely the time when God said. The back pain over. The leg pain gone. There would still be death and mourning, but not for me. Not for the ones who see God fully.

Today was a busier day. This morning instead of school we had a co-op meeting at camp. A group we started back then was sort of starting back up. I had nothing to do with it and wouldn’t have even gone if it hadn’t been here with Dad leading the Matins service. It just seemed like if it was happening here then we should go so we did.

It was actually fairly fun. I gave up with this co-op because when we were doing it before it just started to feel like too much hassle for not enough benefit. There were some fun surges where we had like four or five couples there and could have some good parenting encouragement discussion while the kids played in their various stations.

Which was more what I thrived in but it wasn’t able to last due to various families moving away or dropping out because it wasn’t a good season. And then I felt like my kids were too old and the other family’s kids ages didn’t really match with mine to really accomplish the socialization that the other family was mostly wanting out of the time.

But we kept doing it until I got sick and then that was the end of our involvement. And for a while it’s not like I was bitter but the whole thing had kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. Like how much of this was me being selfish and wanting my preferences and needs met too and how much was I supposed to be just accommodating for others?

But anyway it was good. I had to leave early because I had an interview with a potential interview secondary site supervisor. I’ve been patient with the slow start of internship because I honestly haven’t had bandwidth to do more than I was doing. But four weeks in, I know I need to be more aggressive with getting some hours. 5-6ish would be ideal.

That’s still not going to be enough to make the 18 weekly but it will be more than what I’m getting now. This site is called Thrive Center for. He says a big part of what they do has to do with addiction recovery as that is his passion as someone who is 18 years sober. From what, I asked. He said alcohol and basically any and all of the drugs.

So they have a recovery group from 9-12 on Wednesdays and Fridays. I said the Fridays was one of the slots I could do. I would observe a few times but then be expected to participate by contributing thoughts to the group and then eventually co-facilitating the group with him. I would also be expected to take on at least one individual client case.

They also have a group every other Tuesday evenings for doctors and nurses. I said, “Oooo. You for mean for like PTSD??” He said, no, for people who’ve had disciplinary action taken against their license because of addiction. I guess there’s even a heart surgeon in there. He said he thought nursing needed to be officially listed in the DSM.

Because nursing is professional co-dependency. I said okay but there could be healed versions of that. I had to answer a bunch of questions and then he said I could interview him. I didn’t really have that much to ask. So I emailed my professor and requested this as a second site and now I have to wait for approval on whether or not I can do this.

After that there was a little bit of downtime but then we left early so we could walk the course where one of the boys had a meet. LuHigh was hosting a cross country meet on the new property where the new school is hopefully going to be someday. They had four of the local private grade schools and let our son join as an independent runner.

So that was nice. He said his mouth was so dry he thought about asking one of his brothers for water. Laura’s parents were there dropping off a birthday present for the trip my daughter and I are scheduled to take this weekend. They’d never been to a cross country meet before and enjoyed it. I have no idea how to end but I’m done now.

Work went decently well last night. I was concerned because when I was in the middle of getting report the CNA’s brought a woman in her wheelchair who was complaining of not being able to breathe. She kept saying, “Please help me. I can’t breathe.” She had been outside with her son-in-law for much of the afternoon and someone thought perhaps she was hot. Allergies have been bad lately as they can be this time of year.

She eventually was okay. And then around 3:30 one of the aides came and said a resident wanted her oxygen saturation checked. There was a big to-do and within the hour she was being sent to the hospital where she was later admitted for having a lung full of fluid. But after that things settled down and it was a fairly pleasant and regular night. I know there’s an element of having to expect that people are not always well.

I started meeting with my kid groups tonight. So far it has mostly been meeting with kids, moms, and family groups but not really doing anything official. I wasn’t really doing anything official this time either. We were going over group rules and what is expected of the kids when we’re in group. You’ve got the ones who are angels and seem to have no problems at all sitting still and listening. And then there are the ones who struggle.

We are going to talk about mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health. It’s a mental health program that I’m doing this for so I figured that needs to be at least part of the focus. Today we talked a little about knowing and believing that we are valuable. Good mental health is based on the foundation of having a sense of self-worth. I wanted each one to think of something they liked about themselves and then share.

I stayed for four hours. It was actually more like three hours and fifty-two minutes but I decided to round. The teacher said that you can count billing hours as hours, which would include a 45-50 minute time slot. I came home and Dad was out for his evening walk. He was replying to an email about retreat information. Midnight, Casper, and Shadow were also around. Elianna came outside too and the boys were downstairs.