The house is quieter these days. I have never in my life, since my memories began, lived in a house that was not busy and full of people. Maybe I’m missing an exception somewhere. But overall the point stands. The big kids are even bigger and the little kids do not exist anymore. People have joked about being a grandma and I think I can see why people think it’s so wonderful. I will not have a special name. I’ll just be grandma.

It makes me laugh out loud to type it. I’ve got my schedule figured out where I at least have Tuesday mornings off for homeschool time. Instead of history this year my son is working on Geography. I stole the idea from the Classical Conversations handbook that I had momentarily where the 7th graders are tasked with labeling everything continent, country, and capital along with rivers, oceans, and lakes. At the end of the year they are supposed to draw a map of the world.

So I already had a geography book for him to use. It only has the maps and the names of whatever you’re supposed to label. It does not provide a picture where things are already filled in. So we went country by country through Eastern Europe. I always thought I was good at geography. But I didn’t know where the Danube River was or Albania or Serbia. It’s so crazy to think I’ll probably never even set eyes on these places.

The last thing he said to me on Wednesday was something like, “On Monday I will have time to train you.” So I showed up in the morning thinking that might be what was going to happen but also understanding that things can change. I walked in and he asked if I had my tax papers, which I did, but I wanted to talk to him about that first. He said he wanted to talk to me about that too, that doing the 1099 is going to be a better deal.

The 1099 is the form we fill out to get paid for the clinical work. I haven’t been getting paid for that because 1) I wasn’t seeing enough people to make the paperwork hassle seem worth it, and 2) It doesn’t feel right to be getting paid for what doesn’t feel like all that much work. The balance is still very heavy in his direction where he is the one giving and I am the one, from my perspective, already being paid just from being there.

(I didn’t say that)

So now I don’t have to worry about desk work because he hired an 18-year old nursing student who used to work for him two years ago. She is apparently brilliant and very organized. So that was a relief to me because the whole thing was causing me too much anxiety. Yes I could’ve learned it, but in the meantime I will just focus on not slacking and developing better habits with the Compulink software and the charting processes.

Because at some point I’m not going to have the student excuse. So instead of learning how to do daily reports I brought up my issues, which basically went fine until I brought up the Buddha heads. I had not felt self-conscious about it until I was in there with another Christian. If the downstairs room is going to be my office, how much freedom do I have in arranging or changing the decor? I have a Bible verse wall art piece in mind.

That’ll have to be a talk for another day if it comes to that. So I went downstairs and waited for the client who I realized at seven minutes past the hour had sent me a text on Thursday saying she was going to have to reschedule her Monday appointment. How I missed that, how I can’t seem to get it right no matter how much I try to change and try…So for 50ish minutes until the next person I took notes while researching DBT.

I’ve still been reading the devotional Emotionally Healthy Relationships Day by Day by Peter Scazzero. I’ve found good words in here including a shortened/adapted version of something called the “Compassion Meditation Prayer”. I can find myself again hitting blocks of unforgiveness inside me, but I didn’t even have a willing spirit in those places. I’ll think to myself, “It’s because this part of me was deadened.” But it can come back.

May you be happy, may you be free
May you be loving, may you be loved
May you know the fulfillment of what God has planned for you
May you experience God’s deep profound love for you
May Jesus Christ be formed in you
May you know his peace that passes all understanding
May all good things be yours
May Jesus’ joy be in you and may that joy be complete
May you know the Lord in all his goodness and compassion
May you be protected from the evil one amidst every temptation that comes your way
May the Holy Spirit fill and permeate your entire being
May you see his glory
May you be forgiven of every sin
I forgive you of every wound and hurt with all my heart
May God’s goodness and mercy follow you all the days of your life

(Original prayer by William A. Meninger)

My son and I woke up around 8:28AM. I was thinking how surprised I was to sleep in that long. I sat up and stretched my back and arms. He said, “Weren’t we supposed to be down for breakfast right now?” I said, “Oh my goodness, yes”, remember then the conversation we’d had with the hostess about what time to have breakfast. I figured I’d be up around 6 and we’d have plenty of time to be on time for the morning.

It was no big deal. So we ate our French toast with sausage and coffee and powdered sugar sprinkled across the plate. I was glad we stayed here so he could have a different experience. Hotels are fine and I don’t mind them at all, but there’s something different about being able to eat breakfast in an old-fashioned home that is full of antiques.

After breakfast we both worked on school. We did that for a while until we were finished. Then we walked to campus and walked around there. He wanted to know if we were allowed be doing this. Thinking about it, it did seem weird that you just walk onto a campus with no reason to be there other than you’re on a walk. We were also there to see students, and I told him we were parents, or at least I was, so it was okay to do so.

We walked to the campus center where Ethan and Laura were eating lunch. We hadn’t planned to meet them but I did remember hearing them say they’d be meeting up between classes. So we talked to them for a while and then Laura had to leave for class. Ethan had more time so we went to Walmart for deodorant. I’d forgotten to bring mine. My son and I picked out snacks for the car ride. I bought Ethan and Laura a gift card.

We dropped him back off at school and drove back to the bed and breakfast. I took my son to get some lunch and I ended up getting something too. We ate in our room and then I told him I would need to take a nap before we left. After that we met at the apartment where we left around quarter to four. It was me, my son, and Laura, plus one of the camp kids who at the last minute joined our plans. It was fun to have him.

We made it to South Dakota and it was such a fun meet.

When it was all over we drove home.

My son and I are visiting Ethan and Laura in Nebraska. We left a little after 8AM and made the 8 hour trip. That’s about how long it is if you include two stops. I had this trip planned since the beginning of the year since it’s easy to know when this meet is going to be. Leading up to coming here I’ve been slightly dreading the drive. Before when I came, I stayed the night in Sioux Falls. This time we’re driving back after the meet.

It’s three and a half hours to Sioux Falls from Seward. So I’m picking up Laura around 3:30 when she is done with school. Then we will drive up for this meet and the college men’s race at 9PM. Do you ever make plans and then later as it gets closer you start to think, “I wasn’t really thinking this through…” I would just stay but then you run into the issue of hotel rooms. None of us really have the extra money for extra rooms.

Well anyway. We arrived around 4PM and checked into our bed & breakfast. It’s this cute old house where Elianna and I stayed. No one else is here so we have the place to ourselves. We ate supper at the apartment and then played the game, “Sounds Fishy”. It was fun until the very end when there was a slight interpersonal snag which I’m pretty sure resulted in hurt feelings. I don’t think it’s necessary to bite your tongue every time.

I think I am finally over this ridiculous infatuation that’s been taking up way too much headspace for, let’s see, almost a year now. Whenever I’m driving in there my head concocts these conversations. In the middle of the night over the past month or so I’m still thinking about it, what I’m going to say or how I’m going to bring this up. How I’m finally going to say, “You know what? I can’t take this any longer. I’m going to quit.”

Finally I was just like, “God, just give me the words when the time comes. I don’t need to be spinning around or thinking through every possible scenario. Just let me fall asleep.” You know, would you believe that works a lot of times? One of the points of supervision is to be able to talk through your client cases and receive support when you’re starting out. I continue to be amazed by things people carry and deal with in their lives.

So Arya is the new intern this time. It’s nice again to have a student. I’ve been starting to worry that I’m repeating what happened at Contact, where I’m making excuses for the supervisor and taking the new person under my wing. I’m planning on asking for input when I do supervision with the teacher. Like somehow there has to be grace for a person and also the room to say, “Um…so…your flaws are causing suffering for people”.

If I do not get to be done with this loathful school path at the end of these three and half months, I am going to have my personal version of a severe psychotic episode of screaming silently into the void and ripping out every stand of my hair. Hypothetically.

I went to this internship meeting with the faculty and the cohort that is supposed to be graduating next spring. There was information about getting registered for the licensing exam that is only given in October and April. They had better get on it now because it takes several months to get on the testing roster. I had a feeling about this, that somewhere a ball was going to be dropped.

The lady with the non-existent syllabus looked at me with the deer in the headlights look when I asked, “Is there still time for me to get signed up to take the NCE this fall?” The other test I have been studying for on and off for months is no longer part of the program requirements, because too many people were failing it. They’ve switched now to a simpler exam that I still have to take.

The teacher who I had class with before and after that meeting said he was going to follow up with it. I have no idea who to blame. My advisor? This other teacher who is in charge of communication about the tests? Me for not being more on the ball when I knew that this was something I was going to have to do eventually? I asked about the CECE in the spring, but not about the NCE.

I have one semester left and I refuse to do another. All I have to do is get through these next few months and do my homework. If my licensure is delayed I frankly don’t care that much. So I would have to wait a few more months to put this misery behind me.

It was nice to have a day to reset and relax. The boys slept outside in the backyard last night. Elianna dropped off Zorro around 5:45AM so she could go down and work in the kitchen. She’s going to be helping out in the kitchen during the week and on the weekends as needs arise. Fall is still a pretty active time for the camp groups. It’s nice that she has something to do and it gives us more of an excuse and chance to see her.

I folded laundry and the boys did some yard work outside. Josh and I sat on the couch in the morning and drank our coffee and took turns complaining about our work. Or rather, we voiced a few frustrations. I kind of think it’s fine to say those things around your husband or wife. It’s when you’re saying them to everyone else where it seems to be more undesirable. You have to be able to hear and sympathize with each other.

Lauren and I went for a swim in the lake. While we were swimming she noticed a log with six turtles sitting and sunning themselves. I could not believe we were seeing that many. Five of them jumped off on our way past the tree. It doesn’t matter if you’re quiet or not that close they still will hear or see you somehow. On our way back the sixth one jumped off. The surrounding trees are so beautiful. It’s like having your own private pool.

Today we had church at the outdoor chapel. It was held for the Labor Day weekend campers. We had about 15 people there with me and the boys. It was nice to not have to go into town and to enjoy a slower Sunday morning. The weather has been so beautiful and fall-like here. Our summer had some hot and humid days but it once again didn’t seem too bad this year. Camp is so pretty during the fall.

Dad and the boys went back to church later since the boys wanted to be there for the 5th Sunday potluck. I didn’t go since I had to work later. On my work weekends I can be pretty protective of my space. I will go to church or cross country meets but that’s about it. Last night I had a trainee on the floor with me which made the night more exciting. You never know if they’re going to stay for long but it’s fun in the meantime.

The boys had their first cross country meet in Clinton. It was a night meet so I wasn’t able to be there. I looked at their schedule and because of school I’m going to miss most of their meets. Two of them I will be gone to watch Ethan. So it left like three meets that I’ll be able to go to during the season. The nice thing about getting this out of the way is that by track season I’ll be done and go to all of the meets.

I’ve been following a woman online for like 10ish+ years. At first she had a blog but then it turned into Instagram and then into a Substack account. At the time I was probably thinking we had a few things in common. She was a pastor’s wife and a verbal processor, so she had to write all her thoughts. They were working on a church plant and she was raising six kids and I don’t know, I just was curious for whatever reason.

She writes under the Substack name Locusts and Honey. In the past year or two she completed a master’s degree in a spiritual director program. She was planning to be a spiritual director and meet with people and somehow serve in the church. Except now her husband is back to pastoring a church (after taking a break for mental illness and other things) and she just signed on for a job at a coffee shop, unrelated to her degree.

So now she’s wondering why she is yet again back in some kind of service work. I was minorly relating to some of this but what really was standing out to me is how she will only post incomplete pictures of her face. You see her face and there is only half of it, or enough to even see a majority but with only one eye. She has a pretty face with two eyes. I am to the point now where it’s almost irritating to me that she keeps doing this.

But I don’t want to be a troll and be like, “Please stop posting only half of your face”. I have almost said it several times but I know it’s not coming from a loving place. To me it’s just screaming, “I don’t respect myself”. She’ll show her husband’s full face, her kids’ full faces, but very very rarely hers. Another woman recently told me about her tick toc account so I’ve been watching it feeling bad for her. There is a reason people do this.

You put yourself out there because in some way it’s a way to cope with whatever it is that is missing. For one woman it’s her Substack, for another it’s her tick toc, and for me it’s my blogs. It makes me laugh. Cannot we all be happy, sane people? I hope one day this woman will just show her whole face without the weird artistic need to keep cropping it off. But it’s not going to come from me saying it to her, that’s for dang sure.