For many years I found myself very triggered by Thanksgiving. There was someone I always inevitably ended up in conflict with. If there was a conflict, it was a fairly sure thing that I was involved. It’s a pattern I started to notice as years went on. Not always, but often. One year I was asked to contribute by bringing toilet paper for the family.

I was already driving five hours with five kids and a pastor husband responsible for Thanksgiving services and being at church on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Was it too much to ask to have a little relief by not being asked to do, sacrifice, or bring any more? Could I not just expect to have my basic needs for bathroom items like toilet paper met?

Then there was the year I felt extremely resented for dancing to Justin Bieber in the kitchen before heading out to meet a blog friend. The other women were prepping the food. I was still in “I deserve this break” mode. Most of my siblings didn’t even have kids yet. What would they know about responsibilities and having to be “on” constantly?

It always bothered me that no one seemed to be like, “Wow, Beck, you’re incredible. How are you even functioning right now?” I guess this is all just normal life? To me it felt Herculean and more than normal, but what did I know. And why was I so mad that no one seemed to acknowledge it? It’s definitely a life goal to be free at last from that curse.

Because there’s so much happiness when you really are free from it. So much room for joy to come in and fill up your soul with contentment and gratitude. Your eyes are squinted not because you’re old, but because there’s a permanent smile that lives there. How is it that we are both so precious and dear and yet so free to be the lovers.

We ate and made a lot of food today. After the older boys left for school Dad took Elianna to get the oil changed in her car. She was going to try to YouTube it and do it herself but we convinced her not to do that. While they were out I gathered my recipes and wrote a list. I had two full pages of items by the time they came home. From there the four of us headed out to do a big portion of the Thanksgiving grocery shopping.

I am past the stressed stage and moving into the excitement. The peaceful, grounded, stable kind. We’re into the gloomy phase of November so I’ve been making sure to keep the lights and fall tree plugged in inside. I love seeing leaves all over the ground. There are so many out here you wouldn’t believe. I don’t think I’ve ever really paid attention to when they actually disappear. I just know that by the summer they are no longer there.

We take advantage of the kitchen storage at camp. I have dreams of painting the CGC and dining hall kitchens this winter. The dining hall especially would be a big project. Elianna and I were complimented for the cleaning work we’d done in the kitchen. It needed to be done before certain weekend groups came. So that was nice that work had served it’s purpose, which was to make a better experience for the people coming.

The neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up. I went inside and told Dad and the kids that they had to come see them so they did. We call them “the rich neighbors” because they have a huge house with horses. Dad said not to call them that. But anyway everyone came out and it was kind of fun because outside it was pitch black and yet we all were walking through the pine trees toward the road to see the lights.

Then we stood at the road in what felt like one of those innocent movie family moments. Casper had followed us and one of the boys picked him up and cradled him saying, “Aw, Dip, you’re such a good boy”. We were walking back and I pulled out my phone because I was thinking there’d be puddles. There weren’t, but at least we could see. It poured the other day in the afternoon for just a very short time.

I’m feeling more and more relieved as I’m checking off my assignments. In the morning I had group where I had to lead my group session. I hadn’t been ready any of the earlier times but I’d reached the point where I felt comfortable doing it without resistance. The second presentation was later in the evening for our research methods class. Our group went and finished within the ten minute time frame.

The morning started with a little bit of drama. The boys were getting ready for school and one of them called from the bathroom to have me come in there. Casper had pushed the vent/light covering out from the ceiling and was trying to climb into the bathroom from the attic. He and Tom have been staying out there since it’s colder at night. It took us about twenty minutes to get him back through the ceiling and out from the garage.

The boys call him “Dip” which is growing on me. They call Zorro “Bo” which is cute. There was a new person at group who was looking to re-home two cats, but I told him I could not take any more. People think it’s crazy to have so many cats but I tell them you hardly have to do any work for them. I honestly don’t understand why people don’t have more themselves. Some people are allergic so that I get.

I told him I’d play the counselor role. No I don’t like talking in front of people. Or it’s more like I tend to get incredibly nervous. But let’s be real, at this point, I’m supposed to be beyond some of this discomfort and more sure of myself. So he would be the client and I would be the counselor and we would do a 15 minute portion of a session in front of the class. From there the class would practice writing a case note.

Tradd has been the fictional client for the past couple of weeks. He’s a 20-something white male college student getting ready to finish his undergraduate degree. I’ve only had one client close to this demographic and I found him to be the most difficult one. There are clients where they are the ones who lead the session and you struggle at times to get a word in. Then there are ones where you struggle to get the words out.

Before we started I told him, that if I get stuck, I need him to help me. So that was the deal I thought we had. Somewhere in the middle, when he was talking about being a failure, all I had was a blankness. This teacher wants emotional processing. I looked at Tradd and said “help me”. I felt confused that he did not then feed me a line. All he said was, “Keep going. Failure. Just stay with me.” I don’t remember the rest.

I feel like I should have a handle by now on the end of the year/semester and holiday stress. It just feels like a relentless stack of tasks that does not disappear until the middle of January. On top of that is my work boss texting me saying my CPR card is going to expire and I am behind on my annual computer-based in-service trainings. I told her I’m not going to have time to get in there to do it for another few weeks.

We had our research project meeting on Sunday and it did not go the way I would’ve chosen, but I guess I ultimately chose it. I’m having stress because we used ChatGPT on the assignment. I feel like we could integrate terms from our multicultural class and see this as a form of assimilation. I had never even touched this tool until the other day. To fail in the eleventh hour because of such a bottom of the totem pole class and assignment over a breach of academic integrity would just be the stupidest.

Thanksgiving is coming up and every year I feel the weight of putting this on, because I am the blessed one with connection to affordable and big enough venue access. I know how important this is, how it is creating connections and experiences that give greater meaning to our lives. The other thing is my videos have not been HIPPA compliant. I’m completely out of excuses. I did my best but/and I still broke the rules.

It’s that time of year when growth demands change. The boys were tasked with taking every coat and sweatshirt off of the entryway hooks and sorting them into piles of keep or not keep. I fold their clothes and don’t know whose underwear belongs to who anymore or whose shirts are what person’s. I definitely wasn’t going to be able to figure out the coats and the abundance of hooded items. Several bags were packed up.

So Dad, the boys, and I headed into town to find again the needed items. Elianna met us there. We looked around in Goodwill and it isn’t the same. There was not a rack of used coats to be found. I did find one thinner sweatshirt in the Christmas clothing section. It was colored a faded soft red with the word LOVE across the chest. The O was a Christmas tree. Next we drove to Sierra where two of the boys found cozy and quality winter coats. There are the coats for going out and then the coats for snow playing.

After that we went to Walmart. Target would’ve been nicer and not so hard on the nerves, but the priority in this case was saving money. Another coat was found along with two pairs of dress pants. Believe it or not everyone needed dress pants again. Dad reminded them why they are needed, because it’s good to look nice sometimes. We bought whipped cream and hot chocolate mix to bring home and enjoy the evening.

It’s been a nice couple of days with the weather. Zorro was with us Thursday while Elianna was gone to spend the day visiting Miles. I had told her that going to a college just because your boyfriend goes there wasn’t a good enough reason to go to a college. She wasn’t against the advice, and the saving of money, but staying in town while the rest of your friends go away to go college has not been without certain drawbacks.

If a love is meant to be it will last. Now I’m sure along with that you have to include things like effort and occasional lost sleep to hopefully just talk through an issue. There can be so much resentment that builds up in relationships. Not too long ago I finally started treating resentment like it was an addiction needing me and it to be brought through the 12 Steps. I’ve tried and I’ve tried and I cannot overcome this.

So in that case a negative thought is similar to a craving. Cravings supposedly only last for 15-20 minutes. Once they pass you are through them and can go about your day, hopefully now without just having derailed it. I tell him it’s the crone energy starting to manifest. I’ve been the maiden. I’ve been the lover. I’ve been the nurturer and caregiver. I have been the woman who ran with the wolves and swam with pelicans.

But I need you, he said, I still need you to be these other things for me. You can have the best of all four of them I told him, but if you reject any of them they all disappear. You cannot expect me to have lived this long, to have gone through this much and not have any guidance. Your strength as a man needs an outlet and so does mine as a woman. When I am unable to give you my strength I implode. I fill with fury.

We won’t be like the rest of them, who never figure out how to get their acts together and still have resentments 40, 50, 60 years. I say my patience is over and I am done with the waiting. He corrects my false story which emboldens me to correct his. And I can hear it, I will always hear it when the hearing is mutual. “I really do just love you”, and I feel it in my heart like a glare. like an angry resistance that fades with the midnight.

I asked ChatGPT to write me a poem
to my surprise it said “sure”
and I gave my criteria

The poem appeared
and I actually liked it
Here is a sample
edited solely for brevity

Turning trees whisper ancient lessons—
every gold-touched ending a doorway,
every breath of change
is a vow the world makes.

I feel your presence like a lantern
glowing just beyond the mist—
not yet seen, but sensed,
like a memory from a life I’m still walking toward.

I step across the trembling edges,
letting the wind rearrange my shadows,
letting the earth rewrite my pulse.

I laugh at the absurdity
the way it wrote this so quick
the way the sky made me glad

We Facetimed Ethan who was home by himself. Laura was at a study session being held by a professor. He propped the phone up against the wall and stood at the sink doing dishes. We asked him what was new and at practice they’d had their post-season 1600M time trial. He’d done well, with an impressive 80% of the men’s team clocking new 1600 PR’s. The coach decided they’d be running through Thanksgiving this year.

Usually that’s when they take a week long break, one of three weeks off from running they get all year. It doesn’t really seem like all that long ago, but things have changed quite a bit from the first season to now. I used to know when the time trials were and prayed about them in my journal and texted good luck and waited for the results. This time I didn’t even know it was happening, reminded today that those were a thing.

Every so often I think to pray for my kids more, to expand my mind to ask for something other than “Help me get this paper finished” or “Help me get my work done”. Those types of prayers have been in the books for four years. I am wondering with school ending if this means I might gain some of my mind back, if I might regain some strength and motivation to make time to move again. This time at night I remember them all in my prayers.