The desk girl at Thrive is quitting at the end of the semester. She’s starting another job that will give her more experience related to nursing. He mentioned it a few weeks ago and I asked him nothing more about it. We’re supposed to be switching software systems in January to a simpler one that is completely web based. I have my own login and password there. I have my own email there. I have my own key to the building.

So why this isn’t just a complete no-brainer in terms of decision making I really don’t know. I came home from being there and went straight to my bed and cried. Josh came in and asked what was wrong. I started to say something like being frustrated that I can’t just make up my mind, that I can’t just know what I’m doing. But there was something deeper that came out instead. I said it’s because I am losing my freedom.

And boy did the gut feel it then with wrenching sobs. Transitions are hard, he said. They are, I said back. In supervision I’d asked if there were any new students starting up next semester. He said there maybe was one, but that he was also really thinking not to have students anymore. It is a lot of time, unpaid, and we can be awfully needy at times. Those were my words not his. I stopped short of telling him he was a good teacher.

I saw an Instagram post from an older mom with a newborn. She was talking about how sad it made her that her son would never remember her falling in love with him every night. I totally get it. It doesn’t make me sad anymore to think of how these times we had are not remembered. Anymore I just feel like those nights were my special gift from God in heaven. He was there with me too filling me with so much love.

I wonder sometimes if it would make the dads jealous. It’s not like we don’t love them. It’s just not the same overpowering physiological drive. To be close. To kiss constantly. To feel like this person is the light of your world.

Well anyway I don’t have to worry about that. I was finishing my grid this afternoon and reviewing my power point slides from April. Thank the Lord I had done that. I had a slide in there, in one of the self-in-process sections, about grieving my past seasons of life, particularly in relation to being a mom. It had a nice little picture of nature, but it no longer felt relevant so I deleted it. I replaced it with a simple summary.

I’ve got one more major project before I can finally rest easy. In what can only be attributed to a divine provision of mental clarity, I finished the final big assignment for one class, found a regular but “me” video clip that I felt comfortable using, and got to work on cranking out what needs to be done still for my grid. I’m supposed to understand my theory much better by now and I can honestly say that I feel like I do.

So that will feel good to have all of that behind me. Class tonight was cancelled because of the weather. I think that might be five or six times this semester we haven’t had class. I cannot thank Alexis enough for being highly influential in me not taking the trauma class. I just want to get up there, finish my talk, and be done.

I don’t even know what I’ll think about from now on. There are aches and pains I need to attend to. A weight that is ten pounds away from my highest first pregnancy weight. A degree that I need to figure out what to do with. But that will all come with time should the good Lord allow it. People are created to exist in connection. He gives us relationships where we are able to develop, grow, and be true to our fullest selves.

One of the boys came and told me that he desperately needed something to eat. It was lunchtime and he hadn’t eaten very much for breakfast. So once everything was loaded up and unpacked I heated up some leftover from the soup we had Thursday, adding some of the leftover mashed potatoes to make it heartier for him, and we ate lunch all together in the living room. Zorro was there too on his blanket by the sliding door.

Dad had some good ideas on what to do for Advent this year. He had the idea to have screen free evenings in the basement by the fire. We can play board games, or read, or do some readings down there. I asked if this meant I couldn’t blog in the evening and he said we could maybe make some timed exceptions. He said too we could spent time cleaning and getting it ready for the kids to be down there during Christmastime.

I liked all of these ideas. I’m seeing Christmas things around and am nowhere even near there yet. I said to Christmas, “You know, you are going to have to wait. I am not going to jump right into you.” Not because I’m some kind of Advent purist but because it doesn’t feel time yet. It has to feel right before you take out the boxes. This year has truly gone by so fast it hardly seems time for December to be here but the sky is still turning.

I forgot to mentioned that Zorro got lost in the woods for about 15-20 minutes. We had taken a group for a camp walk to get out of the building and into the fresh air. He was running and trotting along living his best life when he ran away at some point. He’s done this before where he sees a deer and darts off. He’d never been away for that long and after we’d looked over at least the main areas, he came up the blind man’s trail.

Josh was there and we were on the phone trying to figure out what to do. So that was a huge relief. It was a good thing we took advantage of the warmer weather because we woke up in the morning to several inches of snow. We took our family photos at 1 and had our Thanksgiving meal meal around 2PM. Thankfully my sister regained some of her bandwidth and was able to emcee the ping pong ball tournament and talent show.

I’m mixing up my times, but I think it was in-between those two things when my brother had the idea of making a giant snowman with the kids. He’s experienced with making giant snowmen. So they were outside for several hours and build an enormous snowman using five gallon buckets to make bricks. Everyone participated and did their part. It delayed the talent show for several hours but the kids will remember this.

It’s been nice to have some sunshine over the past day or two. From what I heard, people were up until anywhere between 1 and 3AM. Josh came to bed around 1 and I woke up enough to ask, “Are the boys in bed?”, to which he answered “yes”. We woke up again to the alarm that was set so we could get egg bakes in to give them enough time to heat through. I feel like freezing food takes some of the flavor out of it.

The rest of the day was a nice mixture of everybody doing their own thing. The sister who normally provides the structure for the activities and serves as the voice of direction for everybody communicated that she did not have the bandwidth to do that or think about that this year. So I think a few people are noticing and missing that but we are making it work. We’ve all had our years where we did not have the bandwidth.

I don’t know what else to mention. The kids are getting older so they all stay up later. It has to be overwhelming for people who aren’t used to it. I did get a feeling like we needed to be more strict with the gaming time. My brother went in and told them to turn things off at 10PM, which they did. I want them to have other memories besides that for their holidays. I’ve learned that it’s good to just enjoy the time together.

We had a good Thanksgiving Day. We went over to my mother-in-law’s house around 11:30. My favorite part is the snacks we have beforehand since usually by then I am pretty hungry after having had the goal to pace myself. The table was set up beautifully and the food was good too. I don’t think my stomach is as big as it used to be, as in I can’t seem to eat as much, seconds and thirds of rolls and potatoes like I used to.

The cousins played ping-pong downstairs. The adults joined too for a short time before the men went back upstairs to watch the Packers game. My brother-in-law is from Wisconsin and so naturally is a very big packers fan. He washed the pots and pans after the meal and loaded the dishes into the dishwasher. The millennial generation of men, that I have seen at least, are much more involved in that kind of holiday kitchen work.

Josh washed the dishes after the later meal with my family. We had a small disagreement because I wanted to wash and not have to put away. I wanted something more mindless. But he said he didn’t want to have to put away either and that washing dishes wasn’t mindless. Yes, it was, I said, but we know how that goes, and I let him have his preferred place. Putting away is harder because you have to know their spots.

*(My brother ended up coming in and being the put away person)

“In a word, our holiness is in heaven, where Christ is; and not in the world, before men’s eyes, like goods in the market place.”
~Martin Luther, Treasury of Daily Prayer~

I woke up to a text from Arya saying the supervisor wasn’t there and also asking if we had group. It was 8:50. Then she said he was there now and I told her I’d slept in and would be there as soon as I could. It was her turn to lead group. I was out the door in six minutes and was mistaken for a drunkard by the new woman who was there today. Not to use crass language, but there are differing levels of drunks.

What I mean is that some have a more advanced or severe stage of the disease, if you use the disease model. This is something I’ve observed. I’d observed it so much that when one woman was trying to tell me she had a drinking problem I almost didn’t believe her because what she was describing seemed nowhere near as bad or deadly as some of the other things I’ve heard. Even so, she meets the criteria.

I would recommend AA for several reasons. The accountability, the support, and perhaps most important, the repeated shame-reducing experience of being accepted by a group of people. The way addictions are fought are through connections with others. If that connection doesn’t happen, although I should never say never, it pretty much means that recovery is an impossibility. And each time it occurs is a miracle.

Today was a good day of shopping and prepping. Miles and Elianna met us at the house around 9:30. From there the five of us drove into town for another Aldi trip. The Thanksgiving meal is the last thing I plan since it’s its own separate thing and is basically the same every year. We spent around $286 at Aldi which put our food total at just under $800. From there we went to Country Market for the rest of the odds and ends.

So by the time that was over we had hit around $850. We picked up a bag of meatballs and tomato sauce for lunch and came home and made rice to go with it. Miles had suggested the meatballs. I still have bags of Covid rice downstairs and in our back office. We’re using some of the rice for Thanksgiving time as well as some of the 50lbs of oats I packed up and saved, I don’t even remember how many pounds it was down there.

It’s all still good though. Dad has some visits to do in the afternoon while the kids and I worked in the kitchen. Everyone was very helpful. Elianna is a natural in the kitchen and knows exactly what to do. I have many memories of us working together for holidays. She and Miles left to go spend supper with his family and for supper here we had some of the food I’d made for later. Every year I feel like we get a better handle on things.

Laura’s mom called and asked if I’d heard from the kids. They weren’t supposed to be coming until Monday night, but they’d texted her and told her to guess where they were headed. I’d told her I’d texted Ethan briefly that morning. I’d remembered they were on break now, was he excited to come home? Yeah, he said, and that was all I’d heard.

She texted me around 6 to let me know they’d gotten there a few minutes ago. She’d told me we could come over and be there too to surprise them. I said I had to work tonight, but that I wouldn’t say anything to anybody in case he was trying to surprise us somehow. Later I heard he’d texted the boys so they could meet after school to run.

Lol. There comes a point where I can’t make any more lists or focus and I will just have to say “Okay, we need things for the charcuterie board and whatever people come back with will do.” Crackers. Grapes. I don’t care. The Monday teacher cancelled class (I love this teacher so much) so I do not have to worry about that. I’m getting excited for people to come and I just love being with my family and am so thankful for them.