Sometimes when I pray about something I don’t feel a need to pray about it again. I had a follow up doctor appointment in the morning to check on the thing in my lung that they had seen back in November. It was the same as it was before. I said, “So does it just stay in there now?” or “So what causes this again?” It says it is probably from an older infection that I had at some point in my life. It isn’t causing pain or problems.

But he is sending me to a thoracic surgeon just to have him look at it. If something would ever have to be done then he is the one who would have to do it. But sitting in the office, I wasn’t praying. It was almost like there was nothing to say, for I had already said it. I have felt something similar as the wedding gets closer and there are still things to do. The prayers for the details, for the marriage itself, all of this has been prayed.

So now we just walk in the peace that God gives us. I have felt the block in both ways, where there are no words to pray because you’re too distressed or strained to speak. And other times you think, “Should I be praying about this more?” or you try to pray and there really aren’t words. The task in those times, at least for me that I have found, is not to pray but to walk, or just sit quietly in the room because the task is already done.

We didn’t invite any of our aunts and uncle except for the ones who were closer to the kids. So two of them, neither of which are married. It hadn’t even occurred to me to explain any of this to anyone who may have wondered why they didn’t get an invitation. I remember when we were coming up with our guest list and my in-laws giving me all these names of the great aunts and uncles who they thought for sure needed an invite.

So I just wrote all these names down having no idea who they were. I would know them all now, most of them, any of them who have shown up at any reunions throughout these years. I’ve not met Janet from Ohio or Herbie from Nevada. Any of the ones who didn’t come at least sent us money. Looking back it makes total sense. All of these people were part of the family and inviting extended family to weddings is what you did.

I got the invitation bug at one point and thought of a few more Hoyleton families that I thought should be invited, besides just the one. But I was told no and so was Laura’s mom with various family and church members. I was actually really worried about my dress being too fancy but then Laura’s mom found another dress that is very similar to mine with the lace and sequence so now I have no longer been feeling afraid to wear it.

Anymore I do not mess around with stress. It’s like I know to go straight to God and fall down before him and lay my burdens where they go. Last weekend was a wonderful time of Christian fellowship with other women close to my age. Miles’ mom invited me to with her on a retreat that was being put on by her church. We had sessions on friendship and care for the soul. The word I came away with from there was “abide”.

I feel like God calls us to moments or stretches where he is asking us to stick closer. He calls us back from letting us play for a while feeling relief from the world’s cares. But then those moments and stretches come back where we’re reminded of our personhood and ultra-dependence. When you learn the lesson I don’t think you forget it. We perhaps might let it fall to the back of our mind but God is merciful to move it.

When I get like this I’m learning I don’t really want to talk much. I can write like it’s second nature in my journal with my prayers. But what I mostly want to do is lean in close to the heart of Jesus. I needn’t be like the beasts who tear and flail and run on instincts without an inner ruler. It is a wonderful gift that God gives us his presence and asks for nothing in return. Our hearts, our minds, our souls, our every part of us is his.

Josh and I left around five to take the bigger kids to Auburn. The youth vans were schedule to be loaded around 6AM and by 6:25 they were pulling out of the church parking lot. I got emotional saying goodbye but it didn’t last for too long. It helps to have a solid group of adults who are also chaperoning the trip. I’ve never cared about the youth gathering but this time I thought I would probably watch some of the livestreams.

I guess you can watch the live events. Several of my Lutheran friends and acquaintances will also be there. I heard back from the doctor today and the particular problem we’ve been dealing with is still a problem we’re dealing with. Had I known before they left I don’t know if it would’ve changed anything since they’ve been planning to go on this trip for so long. So now I am also praying that God will resolve this particular issue.

They are gone for a week. I’m more exhausted today from the morning and just the overall activities of life. My wedding prep has paused periodically for some rest breaks for my mind. I will have the next week off school and then the next four weeks after that. I’m still allowed to see clients, I just can’t accumulate any hours. I’ve been going in this summer an average of four days a week and have completed the individual hours.

Josh, the boys, and I went to pick up the washer and dryer. When Laura sent me the address I noticed it was in a more sketch part of time. Laura’s mom said she didn’t know if it was any good and to basically use my judgement regarding if I thought it was worth $300 or not (I was mistaken on the original price amount). When we pulled into the neighborhood and up to the house I prayed out loud, “Lord, give us discernment.”

I walked into the house and thought, “Uhh, I don’t know…” and then I had a thought that said, “Please don’t judge these people. You are not living in a pristine house either.” It seemed that Josh had given me the task of looking over the washer and dryer. I feel like I did not make any decisions in fear–either fear that I would offend them by saying I didn’t want it after all, or fear that they would be bad and so we just wouldn’t get them.

So they are now in our garage and will hopefully work as a good starter set. I had group this morning as I am finishing up the last week for the summer that I’ll be able to get hours. Next week the supervisor is going on vacation and I am not allowed to practice unless he is also in the building. Something about this new client I have has helped me feel more connected there. We share a similar faith background which opens a door.

People in early recovery often have a difficult time imagining a life where they never again can use alcohol. The very thought is unfathomable. What I especially was picking up on today was that the hopelessness comes from the belief that their recovery is entirely up to them and their ability to not use. They haven’t been able to stop before and so they conclude that alcoholism is their destiny and a sober life is not attainable.

But this is not so much a crisis of strength as it is a crisis of faith. It is a lack of faith in the possibility that something can be different. This was somewhat eye-opening for me because if the problem that you’re dealing with isn’t “how do I make sure that I will never drink again for the rest of my life?” but rather, “how do I believe and keep believing that change is possible?”, then that could possibly change things for a person.

Laura was over this evening and we talked some more about wedding things. She and Ethan had come up during break and we looked through Amazon for links to send my mother-in-law to order. I am not an extravagant person but I always think of a bed as something that is supposed to cost thousands of dollars. I’ve never spent that much and neither did they. They found a mattress and a frame which will hopefully be okay.

Her mom found a washer and dryer set on Facebook marketplace today. It was only $350 for the entire set which supposedly was only a year old. So Josh is going to pick that up sometime this week with the truck. I’d been feeling more overwhelmed again today, just thinking about the things that still are needing to be done. But it was a comfort to have Laura around. I’m trying to be a mature woman and not sweat the small things.

Her parents ordered three tons of rock for the outdoor chapel. We walked down and looked at the rock pile which to us did not look like three tons. The plan is to spread the rock around the benches and freshen up the rocks down there. The last time it was done was for a wedding several years ago. She showed me the seating chart and says she thinks she probably has the entire list memorized. It bet she does, she’s very bright.

We were talking about money, quarterly payments and others. I still have my college fund that I opened a few years ago. I loaded it up with a loan that I used for my tuition and Ethan’s. That has now been used up and I have no regrets. The Lutheran High tuition has always come straight from our bank account. I think people sometimes think that we must have gotten help from his parents but we have paid for that all our own.

But the numbers now just do not crunch as easily. I just made a payment for Elianna’s Penn Foster online veterinary technician program tuition. It’s a self-paced program that on average is completed around two years. I spent $2,500 on my somatic practitioner certification courses and I do have some slight regrets about that, only because I can see myself just never finishing or never using it. I’m about 33% done with one of two.

So after thinking about all this I finally said, “You know, I’m just going to have to suck it up and work more.” I was meaning signing up for some 4-hour shifts, which I’ve only done one of this summer. My boss sent a text that I never replied to but in this case I am glad I didn’t because those were the dates we’re supposed to be moving Ethan and Laura’s stuff to Nebraska. Ethan was supposed to have his Detwiller race again then.

And I tried to figure out a way where both things could still happen, where we could rearrange the moving dates and he could still run the race. But the obvious easy/hard thing was that he was going to have to just not run the race. I was actually kind of sad about it, while at the same time realizing this is just the start of the sacrifices he will have to start making and this is what he is signing up for and is how life sometimes is.

Sometimes the sacrifices hurt a little and I feel like that is what it’s like with the work. It has been wonderful not having the financial pressure or need to go out and get a job to earn money. We have always been very compatible this way where the money things do not cause problems and we both understand we’re not going to be rich or overly wealthy with dollars. We have prioritized our kids and there is nothing I regret with that.

The big kids will be heading down to the National Youth Gathering next week. It’s never appealed to me to go. Though I don’t know specifics or have any personal experience being there, I know New Orleans is known for it’s darker energies and forces. One time my sister went on a mission trip there and for several years was oppressed by an evil spirt that would speak and cause seizures. They traced it back to New Orleans.

There was one time in my life where I feel like was possessed or under the influence of an evil spirit. She gave me instructions and I listened. The way it manifested was by being more sexual than I would normally be, mostly in speech. There are probably others that I haven’t been so much aware of that manifested in more innocent ways.

I do remember when that demon left. As far as I know the one with my sister has not troubled her for a long time. It’s good to be aware of demons so you can put them back in their place when necessary. Some though, like my sister’s, are harder to get rid of for whatever reason. When they show up in your dreams it is very apparent because they try to hurt or kill you. I was taught to say, “Jesus”, when that happens and he comes.

This evening we went to the mall. It was me, Elianna, my niece, Laura, and her mom. My niece was wanting to get her ears pierced so the girls had come up with a plan for us to do this and then we would go out for supper afterward. We parked at Dick’s sporting goods and met and Laura and her mom by the central escalators. It’s sad because the mall is so empty these days. There were hardly any shoppers like there used to be.

When we walked over to Claire’s we looked at the earrings at the piercing station. My niece found the employee and told her she’d like to get her ears pierced. The girl came up and asked “who’s mom?”. Turns out there’s an Illinois law that says you can’t get your ears pierced without a legal guardian present. We also have a law where minors are able to get abortions without parental consent. Somebody explain that one please.

So we walked around for a while and then we all met my mother-in-law at McAllister’s. Laura showed us pictures that the landlady sent of their new apartment. The food was good and we all enjoyed it. Next we went over to Home Goods just to walk around and look. I picked up a shower liner so I could replace the one in the upstairs bathroom. It’s just fun to look around and see all the neat and pretty things you could put in a home.

Elianna, Zorro, and I took a walk on the bike trail. On our way to the mile marker was a bridge that crosses over great heights. When you look out you can see the tops of the trees. When you look down, I could barely bring myself to even do it. But I briefly looked down into the ravine and pondered. We kept on walking and several bikers passed by.

School is going well though it seems a minor thing at the moment. We had our class the professor and showed and watched and discussed our videos. I am very content since I’ve been seeing some clients and it’s exactly the kind of experience I knew I was needing and wanted. The future with Thrive always seems more unclear to me though he said I could stay there as long as I needed to. I haven’t heard anything more from Memorial.

I feel like for whatever reason I’ve already mourned the loss of being there. That it wasn’t for me, that it wouldn’t work out, that there’d be something else more God had in mind. A few times I pleaded with God to let me please be there, to let that be the place where I would get to grow roots. But now I am just grateful for the gift of the day.