I’ve kind of moved beyond the distal yearning for the school life. I just picked the word distal. There is a calm now in waiting for whenever it is the work will start, a few weeks still at this point. I have two days of training next week and then I start the next Friday. The Christmas crash is something I though I avoided this year but it is fully upon me.

We put away the decorations and stripped the tree of its red. Adorned with only blue it is now set for winter and for however long I choose to keep it.

Ethan and Laura are back for a few days. They returned over lunch and we had leftovers from the supper before. They apologized for being later than originally expected. It was not a big deal because before that no one even was home. Dad and the littlest were at chapel at the high school. I was at Thrive meeting with the clients I still have from my school. I don’t know how that is all supposed to end or work.

I am happy I get to leave there. Not because there is anything wrong with the place, but because the place where I am going seems to be a better fit. Something that I noticed when I was interviewing the first time at Hope and then the second time this week, was that they seemed impressed with my resume and with my overall life. I don’t mean that to be a brag. The boss wanted to know how I balance it.

Just typing that out almost brings me to tears. I don’t even know how to try to describe it other than that there’s this stunning, relieving glory when someone sees you for who you are. In my mind flashed all these moments of being in bed and all I said was “trial and error”. They showed me around the building and were very excited for the new back construction addition. We celebrated our Epiphany baby.

It’s weird. There’s like this window of time around the start of a new year where it feels right to make a change. But it’s only a window because before too long the days already feel old again. I mean they feel like normal days that aren’t much different from the last ones. But the moment feels like it’s been seized and the changes locked in. I feel extra committed this time for some reason. There is art and science both in balance.

This is all just a very weak and tired way of saying that I enjoy this time of the year. I made a template for my homeschooled son for how to write a science report. I was very proud of it actually. We spent the morning picking out books for his semester. Some were new and others stayed the same. I have so many resources I never actually used, or didn’t get a change as much as I would’ve liked. It makes me happy to use them.

While I was down there I saw the astronomy workbook. I just don’t know if I have the energy. Of course I was dreaming about taking the winter section and using it every evening when skies are clear. I pulled it out just in case. Tonight would’ve been a good night to go out there but instead we talked on the couch. I said, boys, you are going to grow hair on your bodies. They said mom you should’ve told us this five years ago.

This was my first weekend with my new schedule of no Sundays. I’m very glad I didn’t quit. Even though I could not imagine this being the kind of work I would have to do for the rest of my life, I don’t mind doing it every once in a while. I’m not sure what changed. I can feel overwhelmed at times by the multiplying needs, when there is not enough of me and there is no chance to take a break. You just keep going till it’s over.

It’s my second week of going to church intentionally and regularly. I promise this isn’t a futile search to find the perfect fit. But there is a part of me that knows that something is already going to be missing, at least in the churches around here I am familiar with. We were trying to figure out what it is. Passion seems like too immature of a word, but later in a reading commentating on C.F.W. Walther was the word “fervor”. That was it.

Or at least closer. It’s almost like people have been trained to be complacent, though I feel that is too harsh of a judgement. I know these are faithful people who want to live as part of a church. I want my kids to have strong Christian friends and I want too to have the same. In the past, to me, a friend looks like a peer. We are the same age and participate in similar activities. We see each other often and enjoy the other’s company.

The kids go back to school tomorrow. Tonight for our family activity the boys wrote thank you notes for Christmas presents. We sat around the table and I read most of the notes they wrote out loud. I like reading their words and saying how they did a good job. Next year, I said, they will take a turn to be the givers. There is a fun in giving others gifts and a virtue in turning our minds toward others. I will supply the means to do so.

Arya and I met for coffee earlier around lunchtime. It was her thought to get together over break and be joined by Alexis. Alexis wasn’t able to come due to family Christmas commitments. Both of them are 25. So we talked and exchanged stories and processed more about the program. I tried not to have it be just about Thrive or school or favorite perfume scents sold only at Target. There were other things too. India. Peace. Enough.

When the angels said “Glory to God in the highest”, I wonder what they were seeing that we on earth were not seeing. Maybe this is what is said in the presence of God who is visible. The angels see God in the heavenly realms and it is the response of their…spirits?…to break out in proclamation and praise. When the shepherds leave their fields for the manger, they return and also praise and glorify God for all they’d seen and heard.

We had a good New Year’s Eve. Minus the part about feeling like a complete schmuck regarding the gift situation and determining never to let myself be so thoughtless again, I had a good time and I think others did too. The boys stayed overnight and Josh and I left about 11:20 to get us home with ten minutes til midnight. I Facetimed Elianna so we could still countdown together. After that we made New Year’s love and went to sleep.

We talked in the morning about New Year’s ideas and goals. Both of us had something about being intentional parents. I started a Whole30 group with some of my family. After the holiday feasts and indulgences it’s nice to me to shift gears into simpler, nourishing way of being. I finished one Gottman certification class and am working now on the second. I’m only going to go through the first two levels and not do the third.

It’s been helpful and I’m learning things. I have a meeting with the Hope supervisor on the 5th. I’m looking forward to getting some clarity on what this all is going to look like. I still think about Thrive, wondering how all of it could possibly work. Some seasons, for whatever reason, are harder to let go of. But I would rather have the clarity over living under some delusion that something is meant to be when it’s not. Sobriety is better.

I believe in the sun,
even when it’s not shining
~Kim Andre’ Arnesen, Even When He is Silent~

We haven’t seen the sun very much in several weeks. Our holiday festivities are almost over, to be finished after tonight when we have Christmas at the farm house. My daughter says there will be plenty to do. We made a dessert this afternoon and I wrapped the two camp blankets that we are giving to my nieces. I feel like this side of the family gets the shaft with my gift-giving. They are better at it than we are.

My mind is not exactly in the gutter but my mood and happiness seems to be at the moment. It’s not from anything anyone did. There isn’t anyone who can fix it. My long texts to my sisters have gone unanswered which is when I know I’m truly alone and other things are happening where they do not have the capacity. It’s not their fault. There aren’t enough listening ears in the world to take away this need I feel.

That sounds so gloomy (enter laughter, faint smile).

My word for 2025 was “forget”. At the beginning of the year I wrote, “Just as Christ has forgiven our sins and removed from us our transgressions, so the Lord also removes from our mind the past offenses of others. This allows us to move forward in time and receive the gift of new memories and experiences. All the while, we never cease to forget the grace shown to us in Jesus and the many benefits of life with him.”

A lot of times a word will come to me at the end of the year. Tonight it happened where I felt and heard the word “mend” (not audibly). And the picture and meaning was more like a cloth being sewn. And the immediate application involved relationships in my life. I want to mend in a softer, finer tuned way.

That’s all I’ve got so far.

I follow this Instagram mom who swears the secret to losing nearly 25 pounds was simply being more disciplined. She watched what she ate and cut out soda and fancy coffees. She stopped snacking on her children’s leftovers. She got her hormones checked and they gave her some supplements. She started doing pushup in her living room every morning and gradually got stronger. She went for walks every day.

So she’s got me pretty much convinced. Before the wedding I’d lost nearly 10 pounds simply by living the summer life and drinking more lemon water. That’s all I did and I found myself there. You start to notice little mobility things that are different. Climbing up on a barstool, I hesitated and decided not to, there wasn’t the same confidence and stability. When getting up from the floor using only my legs because my arms were supporting a 93-year old woman, everyone had to wait on me before we could move.

It was a goal of mine to work on things once school was over. Goal isn’t the right word because goals have objectives and things you are doing to work toward them. So it was an idea in my head of something I wanted to do later. My sister called and said her father-in-law was giving up and refusing medical care. Later she called and said his son had talked to him and after that decided instead he was going to choose life.

Today we experienced the temperatures dropping nearly 40 degrees over a period of eight hours. While it was still warm we took Zorro down to the beach. Some of the summer staff was here having a winter camp reunion and they were down on the docks. When he saw Elianna he was very excited and she played with him in the water. He didn’t at all seem bothered by the temperature or being wet the rest of our walk.

We’ve begun the search for a different church to attend. Today we went to Trinity which I forgot was downtown. It was just was us and the younger boys. The church and the school building are separate and in different parts of town. I don’t think I can like that divide. The pastors do the early service at the church, then drive to the school for Bible class, and then go back to the church for the late service. Next week the plan is to go to church with my mother-in-law.

Ethan and Laura left while we were away. They had their family Christmas this evening and tomorrow leave for Texas. In the morning we finished our holiday puzzle. We had a good visit together and it has me thinking again how I want to continue investing time. With me no longer working on Sundays, I’m hoping we can establish a Sunday routine that revolves around family. Tonight we got acquainted with a new board game.