Today was a super fun day at the beach. The high school kids had an afternoon beach day where all their activities were beach related. One of the campers had a birthday and his mom had come in the morning to decorate the dining hall. She came out later for the afternoon and to stay here into the evening. We used to be closer but we are still friends. Our plan was to spend time together while she was here for the afternoon.

So that’s what we did. After paddle boarding and playing in the swim area for a while we decided to swim the length of the lake. Laura was also there hanging out so we asked if she wanted to come with us and she did. We were only going to swim halfway but then (name) wanted to go farther to the end of the lake so she could say that she’d done it.

For supper they had a cookout around the fire. This was all still down at the beach where kids were playing volleyball and sitting in the sand. At one point I looked around and saw each of my kids in different places. I thought it was neat that we were all together and I felt that feeling of being whole and at peace and glad when you know they are there all around you and safe. It was a good time of fellowship, camp food, and old friends.

For whatever reason I’ve been struggling more mentally. When I get like this it can seem like there’s no way out, like nothing I’ve done has worked, etc, etc. They say you’re supposed to reach out, ask for what you need, do not isolate, etc, etc. I tried my sisters. I tried my husband. I tried my daughter and that was it. So then I tried my mom because she knows when I’m calling her it’s because I’m down and actually do need some help.

So I told her my woes and she confirmed that this wasn’t discontentment, that the need and desire for change is part of life and growth. As I’ve been coming into my therapy self I’m discovering my belief that it’s good to have both long-term and short-term goals. You need the results in the moment to keep you motivated, and you need the space in the long run to open things up for change and deeper healing and functioning.

She ordered me a little machine for area rugs and upholstery. And then she gave me some inspiration on how to rearrange my current entryway space so that the milk crates are in the bottom for shoes, and that the bench from Grandma’s entryway, the bench that nobody could currently sit on can go somewhere else to be used. We had our 45 minutes of cleaning, to happen mostly daily til things are back to a better place.

This morning I had three client sessions at Thrive. It was my first time doing three in a row and I can say it flew by. It took me 45 minutes after that to do the charting which I imagine is something that would eventually get faster. I feel like I rushed through it and didn’t do as thorough of a job as I could have. There is that part of me that is still in the mindset of I am only a student so it gives me an excuse to not have to be as thorough.

My phone started acting weird while I was there. Somebody texted me and when I went to click and read it the text disappeared. My normal apps would not work. I wondered if there were spirits in the building trying to mess with my phone. During this past time at group there was discussion about ghosts and seances. I sat quietly and listened, amazed that there are people out there who do and intentionally seek these things out.

It was a little troubling to me. I have not been shy about openly identifying as a Christian and speaking about beliefs and practices and including God who directs my life. It does not come up in group. It has come up in supervision and one time with a group client who had met with me for a video. I am under no delusions that it’s my job to reach these people but I do sometimes wish they’d be just as open to the work of God.

Laura’s shower went well. She wanted to keep it smaller so she kept it to family and closer friends. My parents made it up and I was happy to see them. My dad has never liked to be too long without mom and even more so now in these feeble weeks while he’s recovering. He looked good though. Laura’s mom is still recovering and is in that feeble stage as well. She’s getting out more now and is glad she had the surgery done.

There’s a family from our church that I overlooked with invitations. I was telling Ethan about it, asking where they were at with the RSVP’s. If they were going to have room I’d try to invite them but he’s taken on the job of keeping the guest list to no more people. As it stands the dining hall is mostly at capacity and Laura’s already added the summer’s new senior counselors. I did find out that we are doing a mother son dance.

So I picked the song for that and told Laura. We were talking during the mint making that it was kind of a joke that she and Ethan have never danced. The night they went to her senior prom together he never asked her. I had thought about reminding him to make sure he asks her to dance since her mom had told me how excited she was for this prom. I just figured he would know that this was a dance and that he would ask her.

But apparently it was still one of the best nights of her life and they had a great time just talking the entire night. One of the games at the shower is we had to outline and order their love story on note cards. Every guest received a card with a milestone or a picture. Most of us there knew enough of the answers including that the first kiss happened on the engagement night. The day I first heard that I was completely floored.

And my whole view changed. It was one of those times where I had never been more wrong, and in that moment had never been more amazed. “See???”, my daughter said. Even with discords she knew her brother, and yes we know there are good things. “Not everyone is like you, Mom”, and instead of a dig it’s like a banner of hope. I will take it, gladly, because it means it wasn’t a waste. We gave them the template of how not to be.

Ethan decided to bike 100 miles for whatever reason. I’d given him some time to sleep in and then texted him asking what he was up to today. I was thinking he’d have some time to stop by and hang out with us while everybody was still here. He replied back saying he was in the middle of a pit stop at Laura’s while he was biking 100 miles. My reaction was more of a “Oh. Ok”, like you do you and I’ll just keep doing me over here.

I didn’t actually type that. I didn’t type anything back until a few hours later when we were down at the beach and I told him to let us know when he was back. Later I heard all about it that he had biked out to Auburn, picked up Laura to bike some more with her, and then eventually finished by biking back to camp on the new bike that Laura’s dad had gotten him for his birthday. He made three half hour pit stops at Laura’s.

So I was happy about that. Part of me was operating more experienced in letting go, boys will be boys and all of that. Then there was the part of me that was minorly hurt that he didn’t tell me, that his dad knew about it and my brother knew about it but I had gone to bed at 9 and missed the entire conversation. Combine that with another one resisting my input regarding a health issue and that was enough to turn my composure.

I eventually made lunch and we all went down to the water. They say hospitality isn’t about things being perfect but how you make people feel. But when you’re hosting people who you know have high standards it’s easy to get inside your head and feel self-conscious about not measuring up. So once you’re in that mode you’re not making people feel welcome because you’re too wrapped up in thinking about what is not.

Does a person ever outgrow this? You feel like you can know the answers and have the advice but it still doesn’t seem to matter when you’re pouring out from an emptier cup. But whose fault was it that your cup was empty? And where do I get such an inconvenient, powerful appetite? It’s not these people’s place to feed my hungers and the more I see that the less I want them and the more I can say, “Of course it wasn’t”.

This morning I had group from 9-12. I didn’t know what to expect for the day and was surprised to see a new woman I hadn’t seen before. A few times here and there, mostly when I am talking to people at work, I have recommended the Thrive group to people. I feel like I’ve had an energy shift there where I’m kind of just over overthinking it and instead am going ahead and being myself even more.

I do have it lined up to go back to Memorial, whenever the paperwork processes through. It potentially could take until the end of the summer term, which in that case I would still be glad because then it could still be all ready for the fall. The new woman who came today is now one of my clients. She’s unemployed and has no insurance. He told her she could come and do therapy for no charge.

So I appreciated that. I don’t know how I’m ever going to make money off this because I just can’t seem to bear the thought of charging people to help them. But it was nice to get a new client and to see his confidence in pairing us. It feels like I’m hardly putting in any hours but I’m still somehow pretty close to on track. I’ve wondered, “Would I do it this slow way again?” I have no answer, I do not know.

The week was long with many camp things. My sister is back in town with some nieces along with my cousin’s wife and her daughter. My brother and other sister are visiting as well and another sister comes down tomorrow for Laura’s shower on Sunday. The days keep ticking by. Later this afternoon we went down to the lake and swam just in time for a mild thunderstorm. They all swam in the rain.

And I think they had fun. My dad had a brief return to the hospital when he broke out in a rash and they didn’t know why. They admitted him to rule out any surgery related infections or causes. His heart function was great and the blood cultures clear. For supper we had hamburgers, french fries, and watermelon. I’m pretty spent for the day but it was a nice and full one. It’s good to have them.

The summer is always a stressful time. It seems no matter what you do to prepare or be aware of the usual tendencies there is no avoiding that burden and heaviness of having to push through less than ideal circumstances. I cannot think of a single person who enjoys the harder times of struggle and discomfort but even now I pray that I can stop being newly surprised by times when I must still earn my keep and believe and trust.

Last night Elianna and I went over to Laura’s house to make wedding mints with her and her mom. All you do is mix cream cheese and powdered sugar together along with a few drops of peppermint oil and you have the mints. Laura played for us the wedding reception playlist including for the special dances they’ve picked. She didn’t say anything about a father daughter dance or a mother son dance and I didn’t ask.

They did finalize a place to live when they move there. So while we were rolling up the mint dough we were also looking at our calendars and discussing when the potential move date could be. Thankfully the weekend they were thinking works for us and is not one of my weekends to work. It’s a relief to know they’ve found a place and one of those things where you feel thankfulness and gratitude for God working out details.

“…it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure–“
~Revelation 19:8~

I feel like I cannot trust life to not throw me a terrible curve ball. Being turned in on oneself can feel like a move of protection. Protecting my insides from being wounded any further. I haven’t the energy even now to get up. After a full day of laundry and making progress, swimming halfway across the lake with two of my kids and continuing to do so in the swim area’s deep end. I lie here staring out the window. The leaves.

I do not want to star in the cautionary tale. I look these other women and wonder, how are they functioning? And why am I not? It’s what I’m asking, telling God, just let me function again. I ordered a book for me and my daughter called Reclaiming Your Joy: A Bible Study on Conquering Your Joy Stealers. There’s a policy in the student handbook that says we aren’t supposed to communicate with our clients via personal numbers.

So that’s completely my wrong. During the night I was awake with things on my mind, asking God to keep turning my mind to the good and fostering gratitude. I feel like I am a person who relies on God and receives from him strength. But would other people see or think that on their own? Sometimes my desire and what is shown does not match up. Yet even so, somewhere I trust I’m still right where I’m supposed to be.

There are certain times that bring to mind specific failures as a parent. This preparation with the wedding is definitely one of those times. I was telling one of the kids this evening that I am sorry for not giving them a better example of married life. Not in everything, but in certain things I know we failed. I know I have failed as a mother and when I talk about failing, I mean like the words we say in the confession during church.

That I have sinned against these people in thought, word, and deed, by what I have done and by what I have left undone, etc. It’s a tough pill to swallow as I not only do experience the fruits of my labors I have given toward motherhood, but I also experience the sting of the results of my accumulated shortcoming. It has to happen this way. Living as sinners in the fallen world like we do, there is no other way to know.

I have a stack of reasons why I could be bitter. I’m realizing bitterness isn’t something I’m working at this point to prevent. Rather it’s something that has been there and I am only now seeing it more clearly. I know God is already to working to remove this transgression and that even the ability to see our need for him is a gift from his hand. Again I started praying that I could course correct my life, that it was not too late for me.

The boys are away at camp this week. Whenever I miss my time in the morning to write I can’t help but try to get it done a little later, even while contending with the sounds of opening doors and footsteps and coughs. The inner pain of needing to write even with so many noises around me and the tasks of the day calling out for my attention is enough to bring me to almost tears sometimes. It’s kind of ridiculous, but you know.

That’s just the way it is sometimes. My project for the week is cleaning out Ethan’s room. Then whenever we find out the moving day in July his stuff will be ready to pick and choose what he wants. My sister is helping design a wedding rehearsal invitation and I’m determined to keep finding at least one thing every day. Something that needs to be done that I can do. Over the weekend Laura and I made her chapel decoration

for the outdoor chapel cross. She’s such a sweetie. This past Friday my sister-in-law took the day off work and had me come down to St. Louis where she helped me find a dress. I found a few other ones as well to buy and put into my 40+ wardrobe stash. I was so amazed by the selection down there that I might even go back and shop there again sometime. It’s a big enough city that they still have department stores in their malls.

My brother asked me to go with him to a college day today and I told him no. That was rough because I would’ve wanted to do it but I have a child I am needing to take to the doctor and a mind that is needing to stay focused on life. I’m feeling exposed again and vulnerable, like I’m needing to be careful and treat myself gently. There’s some issue going on with the teachers right now where they’re looking into the messaging policies.

I gave out my phone number to the three of my clients and apparently this can be a huge risk to my safety. Sometimes I think people take things too far. These people are supposed to trust us but we are apparently not supposed to trust them. The leaves look pretty today and I’ve been drinking lemon water to hopefully reduce inflammation in my face and elsewhere. It’s all so silly. But yeah, I need to get started on my work now.