The aunts, uncles, and cousins went back home in the afternoon. I feel like we had a good time together and the only thing that would’ve made it better is more time on the water (my perspective) and a more intentional multi-generational activity (sister’s perspective). The weather did not allow for a strong enough internal invitation to come to the water to cool off and enjoy the sparkling ripples and waving trees.

And everyone was just content to be in the same general space that there was no pressing boredom to relieve. There still was a baby and toddler to watch, which I can remember, is a full-time job in itself and uses the majority of your mental and physical energy. I had a dream the other night that I was trying to give birth and was in the hospital wondering why it was taking so long. I woke up with all the pressures.

I left in the morning to go to group for the first time since leaving for break. I was running about five minutes late and almost texted Jane to let her know I was on my way and I’d be there. I walked in and Jane wasn’t there and the supervisor was messing with the video pulling up the section he was going to show. On Monday Jane and I had talked and were excited to come back. By Friday she’d decided she wasn’t coming back.

At least for the summer because she’s needing to take some time off to focus on her health. She had Lyme disease at some point in her life and it’s resulted in a host of neurological problems that are exacerbated by stress which she had a lot of last semester. There was one other person for group and the two of them went back and forth with ease and I inserted my two cents where I could about mothering things.

I was frustrated for much of the time, mad and disappointed that I was not around more people. I want to use my gifts, I want to channel this energy, and make something and not be underutilized or under-stimulated. I’ve got enough of my individual hours, I could go back to Memorial where at least I’d have the satisfaction of an environment buzzing with people. You can’t go as deep with them and don’t have them as long.

I thought about the Bible studies, the homeschooling, how I’ve had these various outlets at different seasons in my life. They served as something I could pour into, where I found my bliss and truest self, the part of me who is confident and in love and knows exactly what I’m doing with it flowing straight from my inner heart and soul. Jane’s client is going to transition to me and I’m supposed to meet with her Tuesday.

I did not say anything about being the secretary. Instead of processing group I had to spent the time catching up with my charting to get the diagnosis dates matched up with the visit notes. This way the client appointments can actually be charged which hasn’t been happening since April when I started meeting with them. Normally insurance would flag this for an audit but interns don’t use insurance, only a self-pay rate of $40.

Another day has gone by and almost now another week. It’s been good having my family here with last night adding my other sister, her husband, and kids. The dining hall has been feeding us all though I’m mindful in times like this not to wear out my welcome. This week we have over 100 kids with day camp which is a much higher number than the cooks are used to working with. It’s how it used to be here.

I had an appointment again at Thrive so I’m back to counting my hours. I need to average 10 a week between now and the end the fall semester. It’s actually not even that many. I walked in on Monday to the desk girl telling another employee that she’d just put in her three week notice. It wasn’t making sense for her anymore. I’m thinking about asking if I can take her spot and saying I’d do it for 25 dollars an hour.

It’s a little high but I think it’s worth it. I’m starting to feel somewhat sad about the wedding because it feels like such a big thing to accomplish in such a small amount of time. We still need to secure the rehearsal brunch catering. I should probably find a way to make the tables and atmosphere look nice. I just want it to be nice for everyone and for their lives to go well. We went to the beach but didn’t get since it was cold.

Beck you’ve probably never been in a frat house?

I haven’t but according to my brother that’s apparently what our downstairs bathroom looked like. I didn’t get to cleaning it before they came over and halfway through the week when we were in town I wanted to stop by Target and get some cleaning supplies to clean the bathrooms. I hadn’t even been down there, but he picked me out some toilet bowl cleaner and comet tub powder. I picked out a new liner and shower curtain.

It still had the Christmas one up from a couple of years ago, maybe only two now, I don’t know. I know I cleaned the tub at some point because it still had my tub powder that Miles mom had given to me. But either way, we spent the afternoon cleaning the bathroom and boy did it need it. This used to be one of the cleaning spots that one of the kids had every week which worked for a while but things just get let go sometimes.

So it looks so much better now. I was just so happy that he helped me clean it. It’s what I want the whole house to look like but you have to take things in seasons. Before that we’d gone out to breakfast and after that I made them supper. It rained most of the day so the camp kids did some of their activities outside. I felt so motivated from cleaning that I cleaned the mudroom floor but after that I thought that was enough for today.

We had our first day of internship class today. I was ready to go back and I like my new group. Alexis is in there along with other people I’ve met from the program. Two of the people were supposed to have graduated but failed a test or a presentation. Another one had worked to get things done to graduate early but the school changed that policy in the middle of things for him so now he has to wait until the spring for graduation.

One of the guys in there is all about honesty and vulnerability with his feedback. We had to set “class expectations” where we all discuss and come up with a plan for what the group rules for our class and interactions. I like it because it feels like negotiation within a relationship where you know what your needs are and your wants are and are able to express them ahead of time. It’s just the ways you adapt and learn to do things.

He likes to be the “black hat” and be the constructive criticism giver. Last time I was with him he told me I could have more confidence. I’m kind of tired of hearing that now so I’m going to try to be better with my sessions and figure out what that means. I really enjoyed the one I had on Monday and felt like it was a successful session and most of all a helpful one. When it was done it felt as though I hadn’t spent any energy at all.

Like nothing had left me. Today though I was completely exhausted and ended up taking three different naps. I think that had more to do with the walking, rebounding, and paddle boarding with my sister and brother. So that was probably too much but it still was fun and felt good. Today they took a day trip down to see my parents. My dad is recovering and doing physical therapy and mom is taking care of him and the garden.

They came back tonight and we went to chapel. There was a storm blowing but it was only the wind. You couldn’t hear the girl giving the devotion. I thought it so strange how your job as mom becomes obsolete. They no longer need you. I know we have different jobs as things change but it was truly an odd realization. I saw the backs of their heads and some were still sitting next to me but it was okay not to walk them home.

I haven’t had much to say as of late. My brain is tired, my body is tired, and those two things tend to slow down the words. My soul isn’t tired but stops to wait on the others.

We have visitors again this week. A few weeks ago I sent out a message to the sisters I knew where coming and asked if anyone could spare some time or energy to help me with a cleaning project. They were to do but when the time comes for them to be here it’s like I know they are tired and have things happening too. Someday it will be cleaner.

I have relief from the basement revamp because the girls aren’t going to use it as a bridal suite anymore. I did start writing my book(let) for Ethan so that was a positive.

I threw away my chakra book that I bought at Gypsy Soul last Thursday. This is the second time in recent years that I’ve bought a book like this and pitched it. Something about it makes me doubt or gives me a feeling that I shouldn’t be reading it, or am starting to give too much clout to Eastern philosophies.

The chakras are known as energy wheels that reside in ascending parts of the body. I like them because they provide a memorable, colorful, and easy-to-understand framework of the various internal levels of self-belief, as in, beliefs about the self. I’ve described it before like a map for the psyche, albeit a very basic one.

True enlightenment will manifest in physical change. Enlightenment is embodied and will not remain in your head or “up there” in the clouds of the collective unconscious. This is why Christianity is the perfect religion. We have spiritual unity with a physical being and as so we become like God, whole and divine.

It even happens with the months now, where you come to the end of a time and think, “We have traversed a great path, and the Lord brought us through.” You look around, and remember the days, and some you don’t, and you look to the one beside you and say, “I guess we are still standing?” And you could collapse into a puddle of tears, or not, and he’ll still be there. He comes down into the puddle and gives you a dry lap to cry on.

“You discern my thoughts from afar…” But how does this happen when he’s not far away? Where shall I go, or where shall I flee, right? Everywhere I go, every day I live, he’s there with me. What is there to discern when we are of one heart, one mind?

But you help me know mine, because I do not always know, and I cannot always say it, and I will not always comprehend or keep my heart and soul from drifting. But then you see my wandering ways and say to me gently, “Come back”. Back to the present, back to where I am, back to where God’s thoughts become my direction. I asked and received, I sought and you found me. I read and then said, no, I know another book that’s better.

We had our first mini-week of camp this week. Two of my nieces were here so I was able to spend some time with my sister and brother on the day they came down. My brother-in-law came today to pick up the girls so that was nice getting to spend time with him. Another sister comes next week and my other sister and brother-in-law might be coming down at some point as well to spend a few days here. I hope they do.

They day was busy, but good. When I was cleaning out the office I accidentally threw away the program manager’s laminating sheets. So I had to go into town today to pick up a replacement package of those. I stopped by Ross to see if I could find any fresh summer shirts. I did find a few. I ordered pizza for supper so it’d be ready by the time the staff meeting was over. Ethan and Laura stopped by once we were done.

We actually accomplished some things for the wedding. She has a checklist she’s following with all the tasks laid out according to how much time is left before the wedding. One of the things was finding a piano player so I texted the kids’ old piano teacher and she said she’d do it and was happy and honored to. So that was a box checked off. Tomorrow Ethan and I are supposed to meet at Men’s Warehouse.

It was nice having some time just hanging out at the table. Josh and I had talked about having a date night and I’d joked about going to the Sherman park where we could walk and talk. But this ended up being just as good. The boys ended up flipping through a box of United States flashcards and seeing how well they did. We did states units for years and if somebody didn’t love looking at maps and atlases that’s their loss.

Ethan told me that Laura found an old school chalkboard in a second-hand store that she bought for when they have their own schoolroom one day. It’s nice to hear of their parenting dreams. I started dreaming myself after he said that, of coming over to help school them, and we could live close by. I took Zorro for a walk after supper and Dad and I walked to the dam. I told him if we ever get a dog I’m going to name him Zen.

Elianna had her graduation party yesterday afternoon. We went down to the camp pavilion around 12:15 to finish setting up. When we got there I saw that nothing had been done to the pavilion since fall so it needed some sweeping and dusting off of the tables. So we did that really quick and everything looked ten times better for people to come. We had light snacks and yard games available for the kids and young adults.

So that was fun. Everything still feels so surreal and fast moving. I have two kids out of high school, three working at camp, and one who is supposed to be getting married in under two and a half months. I asked Ethan today if it would be helpful for me to start packing up his stuff in boxes with labels or if he would rather to it himself. He said it would be helpful but not to feel like I have to. So that’s something I can start to work on.

I’m not anticipating him actually taking his stuff. They don’t yet have an apartment lined up because they’re waiting for a one bedroom option to open up. With one bedroom I don’t figure there’ll be room to take boxes of stuff that you’re likely not going to open. It just seems so close and even with the summer in between it is still going to fly. I am still going to write my book about being a husband or whatever comes to mind for him.

With Thrive I basically died of thirst and now I don’t care if I ever even go back there. It’s been way too long to not be accumulating hours. I am just now realizing this, but the way they do their program, the new internship students always start in the summer or the fall. By the end of spring people typically graduate so that is why there isn’t a May term. I ended up signing up for an online somatic practitioner course to keep me busy.

The boys are wanting to use the computer. They have a maintenance friend who comes over and they play video games with. At first I was a little annoyed by it but I decided to just embrace it and enjoy this person coming over. Yeah you have to have your boundaries but also I’m used to the kids being busy with their activities and friends in this season. Maybe someday he’ll have memories of playing video games at our house.

I wore my grandmother’s sweater to church. It’s a darker grey with a red cardinal on it. She loved cardinals. It’s more like a fleece jacket that I like to wear when I need an extra layer to fend off the cold. Camp isn’t having their hog roast this year but we still had church for any camping people who wanted to come. The summer staff was also installed. I sat by the now divorced mom who we used to go on vacations with.

After church I was standing outside of the doorways watching people leave the chapel and greeting some as they came out. One of the older season campers came out and smiled a big smile and said to me, “Well you’re looking nice”. He reached out and touched my hair that was off to the side of my face after falling out of its braid. I smiled and said Thank you! and really laughed amazed. They just come up to me like this.

I had to work over the weekend. The first night was very smooth. The second night was smooth with the exception of a third of the residents sundowning. I tried to give a woman morphine and she batted my hand away and refused to take it so her daughter told me just to put it into her mouth which I did. I wish I could come away with more peace when I was done but still tend to end up praying I didn’t mess something up.