“…and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.”
~Philippians 4:3~

Ethan and Laura changed their wedding to August 10th of this year. I’d been at complete and total peace about the later date for them. Several things went through my mind when he brought this up. The first was that this was going to make things more rushed. I don’t feel old enough to have a child who is trying to plan a wedding, finish college, and start his life. I just want so bad for things to go well for them.

Her dad already had a wedding on the 9th. So right at 22 years we’ll be repeating the process but with another generation (Lord-willing). They want to get married at camp and have the reception in the dining hall. Laura likes nice things but she doesn’t strike me as super extravagant. The CGC is already booked for the state fair group that comes and stays for two weeks every year.

So many things going on. The pull of my heart in so many directions. I feel like I’m just trying to find my footing in the world after death and rebirth. I trust the universe and all that. If I ever finish school then I have already decided that any work I do afterward will be my love offering back to God. Whatever work he’s done in me I will pass on to share with others. I feel sick and want to sleep but I carry on still while skies are calling.

Today was a pretty good day. During the full moons I tend to struggle with sleep. I tossed and turned the past few nights from around 2:45 onward until around 7 when I would wake up for the day. The other day I slept in until almost 11 and did not care to get up for any reasons. The boys were up and almost finished with school.

I’m hoping things have settled with the Contact situation. They reminded me that I’m supposed to be getting an hour of supervision every week from each site. I don’t remember hearing that and I actually think that’s a little excessive. But I talked with my supervisor and she was good about determining a more set time for us to meet.

We had a Valentine’s Day supper here. The bigger kids had an early dismissal and Elianna went over to a friend’s house to do some baking. She brought home brownies that we used for dessert. Dad had ordered a couple’s game for us to play and I picked up a card a few days ago while out at the store. I like Valentine’s Day things.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my Grandma and her life. I still am so amazed that we were able to be with her. When I think about the times we spent together when we were little, how some 30 some years later we’d be there at the end of her life, I’m blown away. It is normal for loved ones to gather around the bedside of dying family.

But I had kind of given that up, that hope, when she moved back to Florida. The likelihood of travel and family details working out gets infinitely more complicated the farther away you are from a person. When she moved again, it seemed so wrong to think that the woman who gave so much to her family would die with none of us there.

There’s a part of me that wants to say, “God saw my heart. He saw my sadness. And then he moved and worked in ways as to redeem it.” I still think things like this, but I don’t know why I find it so hard to just say them. Maybe he didn’t work it out this way for any particular reason. But even if he didn’t I still will acknowledge his blessing.

Grandma made it to heaven today. My aunt had texted earlier and said the nurse had been there in the morning and said she likely wouldn’t last three days. Her vitals were worse and breathing had become labored and shallow. She texted me a video mid-morning and I knew that was look. Another video came shortly after with even a more changed pattern of breathing. At some point she would breathe and be done.

In a series of events that we could not have planned or even imagined, it ended up being myself, my aunt, and two of my sisters on the phone. One was through Messenger and the rest of us were on Facetime with Darlene who was at Grandma’s side. I got to talk to her again and I poured out my heart, thanking her for teaching us the Bible and taking us to church, and for everything else she’d done in our lives.

We sang to her. In the later years of her life she would often bring up the hymn When We All Get to Heaven. I don’t know where this hymn came from, nor do I remember ever learning it. So all these times she’s wanted to sing it I have not known the words, though I can now sing the chorus. After that we sang Amazing Grace, the verses all out of order. But as we finished the ending words, she took her last breath and left.

And somehow we were all in awe. Is she breathing? Did her heart stop? Can you feel any heartbeat? In a moment she was gone, and we stared, and then cried. We tried getting a hold of Mom, then another sister, then another. They’d been on the phone together and had missed the original calls. But then we were all there and stayed on the phone for a while. My brother picked up from work. Another couldn’t at the time.

The boys were with me for school. I said okay boys, we’re going to call my grandma and say our goodbyes, thinking we’d do so then wait for the news. We had missed my aunt’s passing after trying to be there, and yet with God’s divine way we had been there for Grandma’s. I’m so grateful. And now what she’s been talking about for years has finally happened. She has joined the church triumphant beholding Jesus who loves her.

~Summer 2002, an anniversary poem~

Words cannot describe
the greatness of Grandma and Grandpa P
A million poems dare not list
all the things they’ve done for me
Few people in this world
hold a place in my heart
Grandma and Grandpa Piester
had a place from the start
With Melody Makers, Sunday School,
and missionary conference in the fall
They introduced me to the One
who’d steal my heart most of all
Whenever I slept over
they played the perfect hosts
Popcorn with Grandpa
and Grandma’s yummy French toast
Grandpa did everything
to make sure we had fun
Bowling and ping-pong,
cementing in the swing-set
and long wagon rides in the sun
Grandma did everything
to give us a treat
Washing the floor for a dollar, rolls,
and TWO egg McMuffins to eat!
The distance did not change
my love for them
though we saw them less than before
I never once doubted their love for me
Between Grandma teaching me
how to use fork
and Grandpa walking me
through the streets of New York
They touched not only my life,
but many others around
To be their grandchild
has never made me more proud
The Lord blessed me with them
in ways I could never fully see
My dear Grandma and Grandpa
you mean the world to me

Dad, the kids, and I went over to my mother-in-law’s house to watch the super bowl. We brought the food this time and also the dog. Zorro has his own set-up now in their garage so we don’t have to keep bringing his kennel back and forth. She bought him food and water bowls to have at her house and when we puled up she had a pitcher of water to fill up his bowl.

She’d put up some pictures. When she first moved in she didn’t want to put anything up on the walls. They looked so nice and freshly painted she didn’t want to ruin them by making holes. But last Sunday she had her sister and brother-in-law and cousin come over to put them up. I like it. Every time we go over there it seems to become more and more like home.

The Super Bowl was fun. They were mostly cheering for the Eagles. I didn’t really care. By the end I felt bad for Patrick Mahomes and people were actually seeming happy that the Chiefs were scoring some points. I had claimed the other recliner and had brought my blanket and a book so I could last the whole game. I need something to do or else I go mentally crazy.

Toward the end of the game Ethan texted and said he’d for sure made the 4×800. They won’t be anywhere near the top but will still be able to score points. At conference the top eight places score points for the team. When I said he finally PR’d I was meaning his outdoor time. From last year to this year his indoor 800 has improved by 5 seconds, with 3 in this season.

I can remember in the summer before he left for school, the coach said most guys end up crushing their high school PRs (personal records). It really is true in sports when they say “You win some, you lose some”. The highs are incredible and the lows are crushing. When you become an athlete you’re committing to experiencing both. It somehow makes us better people.

The weather wasn’t very nice today. It was rainy and muddy and too cold to be outside much. I wouldn’t have cared except that my brother is here (hi Laura<3) with his friends and their families and they were supposed to use today to put the taps in the trees and do gun shooting. I heard people driving around earlier so they were out for a while but I don’t know what they did.

My other brother was here too, along with my sister and three of her girls. So that was nice to see them for a little bit. We hung out some last night and then more this morning. Elianna and I went to the store to get super bowl food and left the boys here with Zorro and a short list of chores. Dad was at a morning meeting for the summer homecoming in August.

Later Elianna and I went back into town. Something happened where I ended up pulling over into a parking lot and she got out and walked the half mile or whatever it was to the store. This is predictable as predictable can be and I don’t know how after years of doing this that I still cannot stop the inevitable from happening where I am unable handle a certain thing.

Later we came home and ate supper. My brother has a friend who trains dogs and he said he’d be willing to talk to us about Zorro. After supper we brought Zorro over to the CGC and my brother’s friend gave us like a half-hour crash course in dog training. He seems like he’s doing well but we definitely learned some things. I never thought I’d ever like having a dog.

But I do. My aunt sends us updates at night about my grandma. She said she told her today that she doesn’t need to stay for us and that it’s okay to go be with Jesus and all the ones she’s longing to see. It’s breaking her heart seeing her linger like this but it takes a while for everything to shut down sometimes. I wish there was a way for her to tell us what heaven is like.

Today was my longer day at the Thrive Center. I’m still not talking that much in group and honestly don’t feel that bad about it. I don’t really feel the need to talk and the things I say are said during break when we get a chance to interact more with the attendees. This morning we watched a video called American Addict which talked about all the ways the government is shadily influenced by pharmaceutical companies.

There’s a woman from group I’ve been meeting with individually. I only chart group hours as direct hours if I talk. I’ve already my quota for group through contact so I don’t need the group hours but any direct ones still help. Any hours still help. I had fifteen total this week which I didn’t think was too bad. The new student and I exchanged numbers so we can arrange to go to a local AA meeting together sometime.

After I came home I made a sandwich but couldn’t eat. Ethan had a race around 3:10PM and he was really hoping to do well to get a possible spot on the conference 4×800 team. There were six Concordia guys and he was seeded as the slowest. He ended up getting second in the team group. I was so happy. I feel like we all need those little successes along the way so I was very thankful for him to have that. I knew he could.

My grandma is still waiting for her turn to pass on. After she was seeming more alert again my aunt took a trip to stay with her for a week. She was able to stay in the home where my grandma is staying. They had a great week together where she was more awake and was eating food and talking more.

This past week they noticed a hard spot in her abdomen. Long story short the hospice nurse says it’s something likely with her liver. She’s looking more jaundiced and now has fluid building up in her abdomen making it very distended.

I Facetimed Darlene for a brief time in the morning. Her eyes were closed but I was able to talk to her and tell her hello and that I love her. Darlene told her she didn’t need to talk back as it makes her too tired. She told my aunt that she is dead to the world and the world is dead to her. She was at peace.

I’m starting over with writing as that wasn’t quite where I wanted to go. It wasn’t really a missing. Missing implies more of a longing for something different. I don’t long for him to be back here, plus that would not be what is best for him. It’s more like, on certain days, for whatever reason, I think of him. I remember that I had another child or children.

The day started wide open. I love those mornings when I realize there’s nothing else going on and we have the whole day. I finished up the wellness plan and turned that in. I ordered the boys’ Bible books for the rest of the school year. I tried to read and write in my journal but the dog had somehow gotten into the eggshells from the garbage.

And I remembered then too and it was not a pleasant memory. When my time was not my own and walking from here to there in a straight line was a distant memory. It was not the big things, it was the littlest things I could not handle. The fragmenting of my time into microseconds and micromovements that frustrated my every tried direction.

Oh but enough about that. I’m not here to complain about a former life. The boys and I had a lovely morning. I woke them up to play with the dog. Dad was two hours away at chapel. “Don’t they have any closer pastors?”, my son asked. Sometimes they call him and other times he calls them. That’s his business and I feel no need to make a fuss.

I tried again in the afternoon to do the readings from the morning. In my Bible I found a letter that Josh had written me after Epiphany. I almost moved it to the side but then thought, “I should read this again.” And then the letter made me cry. How am I so dumb? How are women so stupid? Why do I turn away from and stop desiring what is?

He was home by then, and I felt the need to reach out. Would I have been fine then, yes, but later, if I let it go too long, I would not have been. I texted, “When you have a chance can we take a half hour or so to have some talk/catch up time?” I first said, “When you have a chance do you want to…”, but changed it, trying to own every word.

“Sure”, he said. So after lunch and whatever else we found each other on the living room loveseat. He doesn’t like to talk in bed when he’s dressed and has shoes on. It didn’t need to be much, it was just an exchange of sharing whatever we’d heard, read, or done in recent days. He says his things. I say my things. We’re content to just be.

Is this divine grace or a tragedy? The way we change for one another, the way our edges are smoothed, the way experience shapes us. I had class later over Zoom because of the weather. So we had supper all together which between three of us was made. Class went well and she let us out 15 minutes early.