The kids had a track meet in Riverton this evening. Dad stayed home to be with Zorro and the kids and I left around 4:30 to be there by 5. This is one of their bigger meets of the year and so it takes longer than most of the other meets. I’ve never been to this particular meet. It was always on a Friday night, after a longer week, and too late to be out with having to stay for the later races. All of those senior 4×4 relays I never saw.

I had a pretty productive day as far as homework goes. I’m still down about something, and was quiet the entire drive to the meet. The thoughts would not quiet, “See? You’re letting the past infect the present. You could be making wonderful memories with the kids right now in the car.” But your desires for vengeance, for someone to know you, for your homeschooling capacities to have been greater in later years, it’s all with me.

I texted Josh when we arrived, when the lady had not made us pay the entry fee for parking, and said, “Maybe I just needed a little fresh air and sunshine.” It doesn’t hurt, and we walked the fence line to the bigger stands, and I temporarily felt better there adrift in the crowd. One of the boys and I took a stretch break and walked around to the other side. We made our predictions on the boys 3200M and both ended up wrong.

The kids did well and PR’d again. At some point, I told them, it isn’t always going to go this way. But we’ll take the good times when they’re here and celebrate in their successes. “Is that your boy?”, a dad asked me, when I was down by the finish line cheering for the finishing 1st place 400 runner. “No”, I said, smiling. That boy beat my boy, when my son was a senior and he was a freshman. He won the 2023 sectional 800M

in a major upset when my senior boy was seeded to win having obsessed for months and months to make that a reality. I’m learning to love my love/need for a healthy obsession. I still like watching these Auburn boys, the ones who are left that I remember and remind me of the one far away who I could barely watch. He too at times still follows their events and their times. We drove home around 9 with much more talking.

I went for a walk this evening and one of the camp cooks drove by and stopped. Josh and the boys had gone down for supper and I was home typing on an assignment due Monday. Sometimes I will have him text me what the meal is and then decide whether or not I want any. Tonight it was chicken, green beans, au gratin potatoes, and salad. I was like, “Yum. Please bring some home.”

So he came home with this foil pan with three takeout containers, one for me and another for the bigger kids who would soon be home from practice. I went out on this walk thinking I need to keep moving, start moving, do something. This cook woman rolled down her window and after the friendly greetings she said, “You’ve lost weight!” I looked at her confused knowing I definitely had not.

She held up her hands to her cheeks and neck area, “Right around here.” She said it like it was an exciting thing to celebrate, unlike the church woman in the past who would tell me I was too skinny. I mean, I don’t fault any of these people, it’s just strange at times to have people make comments like this.

I am healed enough to exercise. It is actually doing me more harm now to not. My problem at the moment is lack of will and motivation to do any of the things I need to do. This evening I thought, “I need to pray about this, like deeply pray”, but I did not pray or ask God for deliverance. I did no more homework.

I’m going to pray tomorrow that I can truly be productive, and trust that God will hear my prayer and not answer me in some strange way. Do I want to look nice for my son’s wedding? There is a little bit of that. But mostly I just want to be myself, the version of me that cares and tries for whatever reason.

“…but he who was born of God protects him, and the evil one does not touch him.”
~1 John 5:18~

I’m really enjoying watching the leaves come back to the trees this year. It’s like I have a new favorite color that I’ve never appreciated. It’s the lighter green of the baby leaves. We’ve had several more clear and decent weather days in a row, and when this happens it creates a longing that maybe, maybe warmth can be believed. An Outdoor Ed group is currently here and seeing them, breathing in spring, made me miss the lake.

Zorro is home and in the post-op phase now. Taking cats there all these years I have learned which vet I would be glad to submit my pet to and it was the one who owns the business and is the oldest and most experienced. I didn’t know he also did surgeries but I was glad that he did. We brought him in at 7:15 and picked him up at 5:30. We had to carry him into the house with a blanket because he wouldn’t move and couldn’t much.

Earlier in the day I had a meeting with some teachers. It sounds like they’re going to pause their partnership with Contact. I still feel numb about everything that happened but I think it’s for the best now to not end up going back. I did not get my grid done to be presented tonight. If by some fluke in productivity I can get the power point finished, I’m going to still try to do it next week and if not then I will just do it over the summer.

Zorro and I got stuck outside this evening. He hadn’t gone to the bathroom in a while so I took him outside to see if he’d go. Usually he goes out the back but he wasn’t following me to out that way. So I opened the front door and he came right too me and we walked outside, me thinking we’d just go through the garage to the back. I didn’t put his leash on because I didn’t think I’d need to if we were just walking around to the back.

He hobbles. He wasn’t interested in the garage he wanted to go toward the grass and so he hobbled over there and sat down by the picnic table. I thought, okay, I’ll let you play here for a while since you’ve been cooped up inside. It seemed to him a welcome change from being depressed in the mud room. They said to limit his activity but he’s pretty much done that on his own. He has a cast on right now to immobilize his leg.

He sat in the grass and sniffed the dirt. After a while I wanted to go back inside. I said some like, “Ok, Zorro, time to go in” and he looked at me just sitting there like, “Ok and, why would I listen to you again?” He started hobbling toward the sunset and I was like “Oh geez, I need his leash”. He couldn’t move fast or go too far so I went inside and got his leash and walked toward him where he’d laid down and prayed he wouldn’t bite me.

He didn’t. But then he became obsessed with this particular patch of grass. I tugged on his leash and was like, “Come, Zorro. Time to go in.” I was talking in my baby voice but then tried a different voice because I read somewhere that with these dogs you’re supposed to be firm and in charge. But that didn’t work either and from my perspective he refused to move. Dad and the kids were at the conference track meet in Pawnee.

I think I was out there for probably a half hour. I start to get frustrated in times like this when I feel a creature is ruling me. There were these mushroom hunter guys around camp and Zorro would get focused on who he saw and barked once. I’m just standing out in this field holding a leash and trying to tug on a dog that won’t move. In my pride I did not want to call Josh and tell him but my desire for company is typically stronger.

By this time it was getting dark. I eventually decided to go inside and get some food and I was going to shake it and hopefully pique his interest to move toward that. I just left him out there while I went inside knowing that he couldn’t get too far since he’s crippled (sad face). Miraculously he moved with the food and we hobbled briskly toward the house. He paused in the driveway and his collar came off but he still just came inside.

Thank goodness. I’d already fed him supper but I gave him some more food since I had lured him with it. He never went to the bathroom but when he finished his food he hobbled over to the door that leads to the room where his bed is. He went inside his kennel and laid down in it. I hadn’t expected him to be going to bed that early but it was about around his usual bedtime. I feel like I didn’t really want the day to be over.

Zorro broke his left hind leg. I guess what happened is Elianna and Miles had taken Zorro out for a walk. While they were down around the basketball court at main camp, Zorro jumped on Miles like he does sometimes with people. He was on his leash and Elianna pulled back on his leash. When she did that he slipped because the ground was still slightly went from the rain. There are wooden railroad ties that line the court.

So when he fell he landed on the railroad tie which was what probably broke his leg. It’s some kind of spiral fracture in his tibia that is going to need plates, a few screws, and a pin. On more than one occasion I have looked at the dog’s legs and noticed how intricate and fragile they seem to be. Like, that would be terrible to have one break and what would they even do to fix it? So I’m praying his surgery goes well and he recovers.

It’s scheduled to happen Wednesday and then he stays there overnight. They don’t even staff the facility overnight but apparently he’ll be so drugged up he won’t notice. I started having images of this beautiful powerful dog running around in the athletic field and it made me cry because he’s such a good dog. The whole seeing him in all of his grand, majestic finery and wondering why this is having to happen. It really stinks.

Our weekend visit out to Nebraska went well. The boys and I left around six in the morning and we stopped at McDonalds to get some food to start the trip. I really am pretty grossed out by McDonalds but something about a road trip with the sun still rising makes me able to see it in a more nostalgic light, where it’s not so much the food but rather the memories being made with it. The boys convinced me to just get a meal.

And it was good. Ethan had another PR in his race and 15 minutes later we were back on the road. I don’t really spend much time with him when he’s home. I’m hoping if there are ever grandkids I will have more of a purpose there. The camp kids hung around camp on Saturday and on Sunday we enjoyed a meal at Janet’s after services. It’s hard to put into words but it’s just continuing on in the course God has marked out.

The kids and I went to the early service together. There were more people than expected so by the time we arrived the elders said they were out of bulletins. I thought that was kind of a nice surprise and we sat down and had church to celebrate Jesus’ resurrection. After church I went over and said hi to the man who calls me slim because I hadn’t talked to him in quite a while. He said he thought he’d done something wrong.

And I come in just a little bit late every time, and lately he’s been the ride for another man who wasn’t there this time. I told him he hadn’t done anything I’m just anti-social in church sometimes, plus the things that he mentioned. I updated him about school and I said he really does need to come and see me when I’m done and I would talk to my boss so that he wouldn’t have to pay anything. He said I will have to give him a card.

I said that I will, but thinking about it more he probably could start even sooner than that. His wife doesn’t let him out much since she’s started having health problems because she doesn’t like to be left alone. He said he doesn’t get lonely because he has his puzzles and cats. He said but how are you doing personally, are you happy? I said I was. I just can’t believe we hadn’t talked in that long and I should’ve said hello sooner.

We thought we better head into the breakfast. The kids had already got their food and Dad was waiting in the back. We went through the line and a man said, “Are you eating? I have never seen you eat”. I thought it was weird that he said that because I at times try to get food so that people see that I eat. I had two pieces of casserole, a banana muffin, and some fruit. I wasn’t super hungry but enjoyed the table time with Dad and the kids.

We had to get home after that. Zorro hurt his leg yesterday when he jumped up on Miles. Somehow he ended up slipping and landing on his leg wrong and hasn’t moved much since the morning when this happened. It’s been kind of difficult to watch him be miserable but I’ve been powerless to get him looked at any sooner than tomorrow. I tend to shut down in these situations. Last night I told him Jesus loved him very much.

Don’t stare at me
I’ll break your mask
and your stutter
Hold me instead
watch me die here
to join every angel
cast into the gloom

It was another disappointing moment at Thrive when the rescheduled assessment from yesterday did not show up (eyeroll). They really need to figure out a way to vet the calls more to find out how serious these people are about coming. One of the things I don’t like when I think about working there is that you basically would be just operating on your own. There isn’t much socialization between the staff members because if you’re there it’s because you have clients to see.

Some guy came to the door and asked for some water, so there was that. He was dressed in black and said he was looking for a place on 11th St. which supposedly deals with sexual abuse. Before he asked for some water he asked if I could point him in the right direction since he tends to get a little lost, and to me seemed either very very shy or not all there. I only knew where 11th St. was because that’s the same street I turn on to get to where Contact is. He started walking.

And I left after that. The kids had a track meet in PORTA this evening and I stayed in bed and slept until we had to go to that. I’m supposed to drive out to pick up Ethan tomorrow, stay for his track race, and then drive home. The boys are coming with me and now my other son is coming so that will nice to have a few more drivers because I seriously wasn’t sure how I was going to stay awake. I will wake up more once I start moving and will just have to keep busy.

The track meet went well. The kids are doing well in their races and have been happy with their times and improvements. Dad left the meet early to be ready for church tonight, which most of the rest of us joined him for after the races when we left mid-meet. I dropped the kids off and then Zorro and I headed back to the house. I took him for a walk to the indoor chapel but didn’t want to go too far down the road. He kept looking into the woods like something was there.

He was easy to walk though. It’s really amazing how he listens. We came back home and he wanted to go back to his outside place in the yard. I called a woman back I’ve been playing phone tag with about possibly getting some hours with an Art Express program for people with memory loss. I keep doing this where I think I need to add new things. The meeting with my Contact supervisor went well but I’m still not sure what’s going to end up happening there. A good day overall.

“You aren’t falling in love with your Thrive guy are you?”, he came in and asked as he sat down next to me. It has felt like an incredibly long past couple of days, and I don’t even feel like there’s a good reason why. Something about this time of year just drains me, and I don’t know if it’s the change in weather or the increase of activity out in the cold. I did not go to class tonight because I was so sleepy and tired I could not stay awake.

I don’t remember what I said. But I’ve been dressing up, and putting on makeup, and spraying my hair with my handpicked scent of “Empowered and Confident”. You were there almost the whole day, he said. We had group for the full three hours this morning, then a half-hour of supervision, then some down time before I had two back-to-back new patient assessments. I was grateful when the 3PM rescheduled for tomorrow.

But no, I am not falling in love with him. Do I still think maybe that this is the perfect place to work and that he’s somewhat of a unicorn in terms of his mixture of practices and beliefs? I do think that, but am also totally open for that to not be the case. It kind of hit me in the middle of the assessment this afternoon, that this person is here expecting something, and that expectation is for me to be able to help them somehow.

The whole thing kind of freaked me out, and reminded me of the importance of seeking God with each person. The feedback I get in my student evaluations has consistently been that of leaning into the moment more intuitively with what I’ve learned and what I already know. I felt today when I was listening to this client, “What do I do with this? Where do I go from here?”, once the computerized questions were over (thank God).

And he expected me to know the answer to that. To say it broke my heart is perhaps too extreme, but it did something to the inside of me that touched, humbled, and gave me that I want to cry right now feeling. I feel like seeing people like this is its own kind of exercise I will have to get used to. It was harder than I thought, but still enjoyable enough to look forward to the next time. Believing in those, I’m sure, will get easier too.

“…not for shameful gain, but eagerly…”
~1 Peter 5:2~

Ethan and Laura are looking for a place to live. The plan was to wait until April when the apartment complex people said to call back. Dad encouraged Ethan that he really should be taking this on as his project, since he is living in the town and Laura is busy with school, work, and many wedding plans. I’m not sure what it is with the men, where it seems like you need to nudge them more. Not with everything, just certain things.

Dad got a call this morning from a church member saying that another church member had been on hospice for two months. The staff at the facility where she was at had said she likely did not have much time left. He didn’t even know at first who this person was, but when he looked them up in the old directory he remembered. He left very soon to visit with this woman who was alone in her room until the roommate came back in.

They went through the Commendation of the Dying. He’d been home again about an hour when he told me her husband called and said they must’ve just missed each other and that the lady has passed. The husband was sitting with her when it seemed to him she’d stopped breathing. He went and got the nurse and it was confirmed that yes, she’d died. Josh said he promised if I was ever on hospice, he’d be there by my side.

I said would you be able to handle me being mad at you for getting to live instead of me? He laughed and said something about not being excited to go see Jesus. It couldn’t be ruined by us getting in a fight, not that close to the very end. But if I died suddenly then it wouldn’t matter. Later I was back in bed crying, only momentarily, saying to him “I just want to die! I’m tired of this life!”, with all it’s stupidities and ways of suffering.

I’ve been thinking I should write up something for Ethan and call it something like Husband Lessons, breaking it down into five different categories. There are things they learn from Dad and things I feel they can learn from Mom. How it comes out, whether in written form or simply verbal is probably yet to be determined.