“We need to address the site abandonment issue.” The words sting and bring tears. I knew I was kind of going out on a limb when I texted my Contact supervisor asking if I could meet with two women from the emergency shelter when I came in later this week to meet with her. One of the faculty members had gone in to talk to her and when the issue came up about me leaving the site she was not aware this had happened.

I said before (and then deleted) how I’m used to dutifully (and resentfully) being the crazy person in these scenarios. I do actually miss Contact with its predictable liveliness and chaos. I miss the ease with which I had access to people, or the feeling like I must really be this trustworthy person to just be given such free reign with such a vulnerable population. It sure takes a special person to be some place like this, I told myself.

Sigh. So all of that is still an issue. I’m just silently praying (as in feeling a small internal desire somewhere), that the relationship I had with this person, and maybe even this facility, can somehow be salvaged, even if it is only to part on good terms, and bonus if there could also be mutual understanding. It’s a tall order in today’s world wherever people are involved. It doesn’t mean one won’t ever feel sad or sick over things.

It was a good day for Saturday chores. The boys cleaned in the basement and later raked leaves outside. The front of the house has returned to that state of looking simultaneously well used and well neglected. I don’t even know where all this stuff comes from or why I can’t seem to be one of those women who weeds and cleans.

They replaced the roof last summer before I had a chance to realize what was happening. There were just a few days where guys were here tearing off the old roof and then replacing it with the exact same color that was on there before. So there was no dramatic visual change or intentional choice to best match with the siding that will be hopefully next sometime in the summer or fall.

These are the kinds of things where you wonder what you’re supposed to feel and have to eventually end up back at that place again where you’re feeling grateful. The kids played outside in the yard and the rest of the sap was boiled in the side yard. I walked around barefoot and laid on the athletic field benches, calmed again by the sun.

Ethan texted and asked if I was going to Judah’s track meet. I’d been in bed for a while, having fallen asleep and then was slowly waking up. Yes, I said, and then he asked if I could Facetime for the races. It warms my heart to have him still be taking interest in his brother and I am thankful they have the connection of running. Sure, I said, but I don’t know what time the races are. Did he happen do know when the meet started?

It started at 4:30. I looked the clock that said 3:37. Shoot, we need to get out of here, I texted immediately back to him. Within five minutes the boys and I were on the road with an hour drive ahead of us and a 4×8 relay that was first. I’ll spare the drawn out story, but we made it with literally a minute to spare before the race started. I let the boys out, found a near parking spot, and was down at the track to see the whole race.

The girls run first which gave us just enough more time. They had the 4×1, and then the distance medley which he also was in. During one of the Facetimes I got to say hi to many of the teammates from Concordia. Who am I saying hi to, I asked, knowing I would know most of their faces even if I didn’t know voices. He said it was a lot of the ones in his class and I didn’t push it any further. The boys and I drove back home.

Dad was in Carlinville with Elianna. There aren’t enough girls on the track team to have a relay, so the two girls who run were signed up for another meet. We’d considered trying to make it for Elianna’s later race but it would’ve taken us over an hour and 70 miles with little chance we would make it. We were each just going to do our own thing for supper. The boys bought pizza from Dominos and I found a salad at County Market.

On the way home from the meet we passed the Riverton exit. They’re having this trauma retreat this weekend and originally Elianna and I were supposed to go for the Friday night film showing. This was before we knew that there were going to be two meets. I can remember in high school wanting to hang out with the partiers. I would be such a fun drunk, I thought, and it would be fun to just let my wild side have a place.

It’s kind of crazy how it’s different now, how I still want to be hanging out with these people but now it’s more like, “I would be such a good therapist. Just let me in. Just let me in.” But why am I thinking that? Why am I feeling such a longing to connect there? Why must every road be paved with so much want and self-denial? I want to be with these people and heal their souls and read their minds and leave it be when I can’t.

It will pain me at times. On the way home the boys were playing songs from my phone. When one of the songs was almost over I said, “Okay, play Something Just Like This by Coldplay”. He only heard the first part and started playing Pumped Up Kicks. I said this wasn’t what I requested, but didn’t mind because I liked the song. He said, “Oh I thought you meant something just like this as in a similar kind of song.” He’s so funny.

This morning Jezebel got thrown out of a window and eaten by dogs. I didn’t get much farther than that. The boys picked it up from there and I went back to my own writing or scheduling or whatever it was I was doing. It’s never all that important. Later we went for a walk down to the lake and enjoyed the nice day. I reminded them we were almost done with the school year, more as a reality check for myself that yet another year…

Zorro went a little crazy. Usually he does okay but sometime he gets wilder on walks. I finally told one of the boys to listen to me and let him off of the leash and stop trying to wrestle him. I don’t know if that was my natural instincts coming through or just the mom fear showing up and emasculating my son when he was trying to be strong. I kind of felt like sometimes it’s like people where you need to step away and take a break.

We had Italian beef for lunch that one of the cooks had leftover. It was actually good but I did not have time to eat much of it. It was too hot when I sat down and didn’t have time to let it cool. I had a dream last night of being late for my assessment, trying to figure out what to wear, fighting the slowness of dream time to not be late but I somehow still was. I was 20 minutes early and thank the Lord this one showed up.

I liked him. I always like these people and wish I could be with them longer. This time was almost two hours so that really was plenty after the probably hundreds of questions you have to go through and ask. I really just can’t help feeling like the other shoe is going to drop there. I pretty much told him that if I haven’t gotten any clients by the summer term then I’m just going to take that as a sign I’m supposed to move on.

It wasn’t said like an ultimatum but more just an acknowledgment that I can’t deny the obvious. Dad and I went to a visitation this evening for a former camp worker. He was one of the six adults who worked here when we were in college and fully realized how great we had it. He drilled tin cans into the dock poles so I’d no longer drop my radio/walkie talkie into the lake. It was a fabulous invention and worked many wonders.

It’s hardly seemed like Lent this year, mostly because I’ve not been going to church. Josh and the kids had evening service with supper beforehand while I left around 5 to pick something up and head to class. I’ve definitely been drinking more coffee these days but resisted the urge to buy another hot drink. I love the isolation and community of student life. Being independent and joining up for a time with fellow learners.

The girls in my class are completely done and all graduating. Everyone just kind of sits there with tired looks on their faces. I’m definitely ready for a break and am looking forward to the off month. The summer term is 8 weeks, then another month off in August, then 16 more weeks until the end of the fall term. I registered this past Monday for my three remaining classes and am actually really looking forward to taking them.

Research Methods, Foundations of Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and Neurobiology of Trauma. Plus the internship video class with the professor I had over the summer. I’m hoping to redeem myself and have a little bit more to show him other than thrown together panel and C earning term paper that I wrote with a partner for our trauma class that was about chronic illness but had nothing in the paper about trauma.

Somehow we completely overlooked that part. I think we both still ended up with A’s so it didn’t really matter. I can’t decide yet if I still care about the grades. It’s going to depend how this present class goes. If I get my grid done, and my multicultural video done which I almost have done, then I will have completely all of my video requirements and will only have to present a regular video with the basic form. I like doing videos.

I’m schedule to do the assessment with the police officer this week. If he shows up, and we complete our two hours, I will be three-fourths of the way done with my individual hours thanks to the hours I readily gathered at Contact. My group hours were done months ago and I have about 60 direct hours left minus the 30 from the remaining individual ones. Going to group will count as direct and we will see with the others.

Tis the season for track meets. The kids had a meet in Williamsville and we all drove together. Since I’m no longer at Contact I’ve been going to Thrive two days a week for three hours a day in order to make up that time. I’ve been using the time to get my homework things done. I started another power point show for my grid which I decided to try and get done this semester. I scheduled a time do to my social justice project.

I left about 15 minutes early to be home in time to leave for the meet. Zorro came with us and was doing great in the stands until our group started cheering. He barked a few times and then the guy from the announcers section came and said that pets are not allowed on the premises. So he had to go back and sit in the car. He did fine in there and I went and sat with him for a while in order to get a break from the cold.

I joked that we should see how many meets Zorro can get kicked out of this year. I came back out to watch the mile after already watching the kids run their 800 races. Ethan was seeing the Minecraft movie with teammates but wanted to Facetime for at least the 800. By the time it was the mile it was pretty close to dark. It was nice to not have to stay for the silly 4×4 business. We drove home and had supper together as a family.

My presentation is over thank the good Lord in heaven. He gets me through these crazy assignments and the unpleasant things I must do. It actually kind of enjoyed being up there and sharing with the class what I have learned about homelessness. They graciously participated and discussed and answered questions. Alexis was there and before class we saw each other and gave each other a huge hug. I miss her so much.

For group we’re supposed to lead a psychoeducation section sometime. Jane did hers on codependency. I forget what Kyle said he was working on. I think I want to do mine on fun, resilience, and joy, with fun including the definition of doing something you love. After I was done I met my sister and mom at the hospital. The doctor came out and said things went well and there were no significant blockages. We were happy to hear that.

The leaky valve is still severe. So they are thinking surgery will happen in the next 2-3 weeks. We hung out with dad in the recovery room where he stayed to be watched for a couple of hours. Both of the kids PR’d in the mile and Zorro enjoyed attending the track meet. We were grateful to God for good experience at the hospital. Dad said maybe this was a stretch but the word that came to mind to describe it all for him was sublime.

It’s always good to be back after being away for a trip. While visiting Ethan I asked about what he wanted to do for Easter. He said he’d come home if someone would come and pick him up. We hadn’t even thought that far ahead as far as plans. Josh will have the Friday service and there’s supposed to be a meet that is on that Friday as well. So I told him I would come and pick him up and we could leave from the meet.

So that was kind of nice to have another meet to look forward to. The kids start their track meet season tomorrow with the regular season opener in Riverton. I’m supposed to give my presentation tomorrow afternoon during class. I switched with the girl going ahead of me so I could go first instead of second. My dad is having his heart cath procedure tomorrow in Springfield so that is where I plan to go after my class.

I don’t have anything deeper to say at the moment. I find myself roaming around in dreams about the future. I was telling Josh this morning that I’m thinking I will need to be proactive about getting clients and advertising myself once I (God-willing) graduate. I would need to find ways to get my face-to-face hours. I could volunteer at Trinity for one day a week. He said I could do the same thing at the high school.

Would he care if I did it without any pay? He said if it was for the Lutheran schools then he wouldn’t. The Contact thing is still in my head because professionally I know I need to talk to my supervisor. It was one of those things where I figured I at least had a couple of weeks before it likely would at some point be noticed I was gone. I don’t want to burn a bridge or end on bad terms or mention the things I never brought up.

Tonight we enjoyed a nice evening outside. The boys were playing pickleball at the volleyball net while Josh and I were taking our individual walks. Along the road I met Elianna also walking with Zorro. The purple flowers drew me over to the girls’ cabins and then I walked around there enjoying the small change of scenery. The trees are still pretty bare and when I came over the lake hill I marveled at the sun’s light.

The rest of my visit went very well. I had a very nice time upon returning to the house where I was able to spend some time with my friend and her family. It’s the kind of family where you smile inside because they’re so delightful to be around. I slept through the night for nine straight hours. They have a beautiful finished basement where they kick out their teenage son whenever guests come to stay.

In the morning we visited for a little while longer before I said goodbye around 9AM. I drove over to campus to see what Ethan was doing and to figure out my plan for the morning. He was getting ready to go eat breakfast but didn’t recommend it because it’s never that great. I drove to McDonalds figuring I would find something there but there was no longer a McDonalds where there used to be one. I ended up at Subway.

The Subway there opens at 9 which I’d never heard of. I had a regular chicken wrap like you’d have for lunch with a bag of chips. After that I drove across the street to a gas station to pick up a medium coffee. I told Ethan I’d be in the campus center until it was time to head to the track for his meet. If he had time I told him to stop by and visit but if he didn’t that was okay too. He came by for a while after noon after lunch.

He left to go back and get ready. Because of weather they were only doing distance events and several of the teams had decided not to come. It was cold and windy but clear as day. I hung out on the stands for a while until it was too cold so I went back to the car. I watched the men’s 1500 then left during the women’s 5k. I came back in the middle of the men’s 5k in time to see Trey and Vaughn and the others. Trey won.

Vaughn isn’t running as fast these days. Ethan says the team will sometimes call him King Vaughn because he’s the fastest. I think Trey got tired of a freshman beating him because it doesn’t seem to happen as much anymore. This time Ethan was running the 800 and was ranked last in the fast heat. He’s been doing pretty well and I was happy to see he’d worn his long sleeves and tights under his regular running uniform.

I filmed his race. I was alone in my part of the bleachers and whenever you’ve filming a race you somewhat are not able to fully watch. But for the last lap I was able to see him better and saw he was third when the pack opened up. I thought “Oh my gosh, he’s running great”. The teammates were running back and forth across the field shouting at the Concordia runners so I did not have to worry about raising my voice for that.

He was passed at the end and finished 4th which I thought was really good. I waited for the score board to show what the times were and saw he’d officially set a new outdoor PR. I was excited for him and yet wasn’t surprised. I texted Dad who was in the car driving and Elianna who was home. I walked to the other side of the stands, him down there, I saw, looking. I gave him a thumbs up and he raised his thumb back to me.

I’m sitting here in the campus center wondering what exactly I’m doing here. The coffee shop is closed and the janitors are already vacuuming. The drive went well after leaving home around 8:30. I had some time to think and called my aunt and talked to her. Ethan was still at practice when I arrived at the campus so I parked in front of the football field, pulled my blanket close to me, and fell asleep until he met me.

We drove over to the place where I am staying. I’m slightly regretting not getting a hotel room only because once I leave here I’m going to be ready to sleep again. We went to Jimmy John’s for supper because he’s done that before and knows he can run afterward. We talked about his schedule for the next few semesters and he didn’t exactly ask me but I gave him my blessing for dropping out of the honors program because sometimes you have to sacrifice good things for better things.

I ordered shoes from Amazon for him and his brother. We drove down the road to the apartment complex where they might be living but no one is sure yet. After that I dropped him off as there was nothing left to do. I said I was going to Janzow for a while to work on homework. I told them I’d be back around 8 and figured that will allow some time to catch up and still get to bed early. I always did feel kind of alone here.