This morning we went to church in Auburn. The kids were giving a presentation on their youth gathering experience. During the time we were in Nebraska the air conditioning went out in the Auburn sanctuary. They have an all-purpose room where they moved all their folding chairs and set up an altar area. Yesterday was kind of a blur of not doing a whole lot. Dad, the boys, and I went swimming yesterday evening which was nice.

My supervisor evaluation (finally) came in my Tevera box and after that I spent at least an hour googling everything I could about the word “flighty”. I’ve been so intensely focused on behaving and being a good girl that it hadn’t really occurred to me that there are other ways you can ruin a relationship. I would still like to ask about this scheduling and billing job, and I almost did tonight, but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

We’re winding down with camp for the summer. Tonight the last pack of campers came through for the mini-week registration time. Instead of everyone going out to eat like we usually do when camp ends we made plans instead to have Red Robin brought in and this year the camp is going to pay for it. The camp season flew like it always does.

We are back from Nebraska. Yesterday we carpooled with Laura’s parents and arrived a little after 5PM. The landlady came right out and met us with the keys and showed us around. They have a really nice apartment in a newer part of town. Ethan will have about 4-5 minute bike ride to get to school. A couple we know who now lives in Seward are only a half block away. The complex is located right next to the water tower.

We left around noon to head back home. While we were gone the kids went to Grandma’s to water her flowers. She is currently out of town traveling for a family funeral. The kids are old enough that I did not feel too anxious about leaving them home. I’m still trying to keep tabs on how a child is doing and feeling and sometimes I get a little nervous about what the dog’s going to do. They did well while we were gone.

It feels good to check this box off so we can move on to other things. People don’t seem to understand the significance of me actually making a list. It has to sound ridiculous to be proud about it but it’s actually a great accomplishment for me. I know it I don’t need anyone to affirm that. I still need to find a dress and the decorations for the rehearsal dinner. It’s a lot to plan a wedding/be married but if you’re teachable you can do it.

Today was a busy day of preparation. At noon we picked up the U-haul truck for our trip to Nebraska tomorrow. The boys are staying behind so it’ll just be me and Josh in the truck. The bigger kids are on their way home from the youth gathering and are supposed to arrive back around 1 in the morning. Laura’s dad has been driving all day today with the gathering kids and then will get up tomorrow and drive to Nebraska.

Ethan and I spent a significant amount of time together. He has the rest of the week off and spent today at home going through his room and sorting through the rest of his stuff. He asked if there was a limit on what he could keep here and I said there was none. Any clothes he wanted to keep I said he had to take with him. There is quite the pile in the schoolroom of stuff he felt he could part with and did not need anymore.

We went and got his haircut also. There is a woman from group who is cutting hair now and I felt like she should be the one to do the job. We stopped by Jimmy Johns for lunch and later we drove to Havana to pick up the television and tv stand from another camp friend. One the way I heard about the plans for the bachelor party. They plan to hang out at camp and then the best man and his brother are going to grill for everyone.

Eleven of his track and cross country teammates are coming to the wedding and will be at the bachelor party too. They will eat and then go down to the lake to swim. After that they will hike to high point and spend the night there in tents. He said they planned to have like an outdoor chapel service where they also had the guitar and song books. I asked about his younger brothers, if they would be invited to go He said they would.

Then he asked about him and the groomsmen getting ready at our house. I said I hadn’t planned on that but we could make it work. My sister and her family will be staying in the basement over the weekend. I said they could use the upstairs to get ready. As soon as we were back from there Dad and Ethan loaded up the rest of the stuff and left to drive to Auburn to fill the van and the back of the traverse with Laura’s belongings.

Sometimes when I pray about something I don’t feel a need to pray about it again. I had a follow up doctor appointment in the morning to check on the thing in my lung that they had seen back in November. It was the same as it was before. I said, “So does it just stay in there now?” or “So what causes this again?” It says it is probably from an older infection that I had at some point in my life. It isn’t causing pain or problems.

But he is sending me to a thoracic surgeon just to have him look at it. If something would ever have to be done then he is the one who would have to do it. But sitting in the office, I wasn’t praying. It was almost like there was nothing to say, for I had already said it. I have felt something similar as the wedding gets closer and there are still things to do. The prayers for the details, for the marriage itself, all of this has been prayed.

So now we just walk in the peace that God gives us. I have felt the block in both ways, where there are no words to pray because you’re too distressed or strained to speak. And other times you think, “Should I be praying about this more?” or you try to pray and there really aren’t words. The task in those times, at least for me that I have found, is not to pray but to walk, or just sit quietly in the room because the task is already done.

We didn’t invite any of our aunts and uncle except for the ones who were closer to the kids. So two of them, neither of which are married. It hadn’t even occurred to me to explain any of this to anyone who may have wondered why they didn’t get an invitation. I remember when we were coming up with our guest list and my in-laws giving me all these names of the great aunts and uncles who they thought for sure needed an invite.

So I just wrote all these names down having no idea who they were. I would know them all now, most of them, any of them who have shown up at any reunions throughout these years. I’ve not met Janet from Ohio or Herbie from Nevada. Any of the ones who didn’t come at least sent us money. Looking back it makes total sense. All of these people were part of the family and inviting extended family to weddings is what you did.

I got the invitation bug at one point and thought of a few more Hoyleton families that I thought should be invited, besides just the one. But I was told no and so was Laura’s mom with various family and church members. I was actually really worried about my dress being too fancy but then Laura’s mom found another dress that is very similar to mine with the lace and sequence so now I have no longer been feeling afraid to wear it.

Anymore I do not mess around with stress. It’s like I know to go straight to God and fall down before him and lay my burdens where they go. Last weekend was a wonderful time of Christian fellowship with other women close to my age. Miles’ mom invited me to with her on a retreat that was being put on by her church. We had sessions on friendship and care for the soul. The word I came away with from there was “abide”.

I feel like God calls us to moments or stretches where he is asking us to stick closer. He calls us back from letting us play for a while feeling relief from the world’s cares. But then those moments and stretches come back where we’re reminded of our personhood and ultra-dependence. When you learn the lesson I don’t think you forget it. We perhaps might let it fall to the back of our mind but God is merciful to move it.

When I get like this I’m learning I don’t really want to talk much. I can write like it’s second nature in my journal with my prayers. But what I mostly want to do is lean in close to the heart of Jesus. I needn’t be like the beasts who tear and flail and run on instincts without an inner ruler. It is a wonderful gift that God gives us his presence and asks for nothing in return. Our hearts, our minds, our souls, our every part of us is his.

Josh and I left around five to take the bigger kids to Auburn. The youth vans were schedule to be loaded around 6AM and by 6:25 they were pulling out of the church parking lot. I got emotional saying goodbye but it didn’t last for too long. It helps to have a solid group of adults who are also chaperoning the trip. I’ve never cared about the youth gathering but this time I thought I would probably watch some of the livestreams.

I guess you can watch the live events. Several of my Lutheran friends and acquaintances will also be there. I heard back from the doctor today and the particular problem we’ve been dealing with is still a problem we’re dealing with. Had I known before they left I don’t know if it would’ve changed anything since they’ve been planning to go on this trip for so long. So now I am also praying that God will resolve this particular issue.

They are gone for a week. I’m more exhausted today from the morning and just the overall activities of life. My wedding prep has paused periodically for some rest breaks for my mind. I will have the next week off school and then the next four weeks after that. I’m still allowed to see clients, I just can’t accumulate any hours. I’ve been going in this summer an average of four days a week and have completed the individual hours.

Josh, the boys, and I went to pick up the washer and dryer. When Laura sent me the address I noticed it was in a more sketch part of time. Laura’s mom said she didn’t know if it was any good and to basically use my judgement regarding if I thought it was worth $300 or not (I was mistaken on the original price amount). When we pulled into the neighborhood and up to the house I prayed out loud, “Lord, give us discernment.”

I walked into the house and thought, “Uhh, I don’t know…” and then I had a thought that said, “Please don’t judge these people. You are not living in a pristine house either.” It seemed that Josh had given me the task of looking over the washer and dryer. I feel like I did not make any decisions in fear–either fear that I would offend them by saying I didn’t want it after all, or fear that they would be bad and so we just wouldn’t get them.

So they are now in our garage and will hopefully work as a good starter set. I had group this morning as I am finishing up the last week for the summer that I’ll be able to get hours. Next week the supervisor is going on vacation and I am not allowed to practice unless he is also in the building. Something about this new client I have has helped me feel more connected there. We share a similar faith background which opens a door.

People in early recovery often have a difficult time imagining a life where they never again can use alcohol. The very thought is unfathomable. What I especially was picking up on today was that the hopelessness comes from the belief that their recovery is entirely up to them and their ability to not use. They haven’t been able to stop before and so they conclude that alcoholism is their destiny and a sober life is not attainable.

But this is not so much a crisis of strength as it is a crisis of faith. It is a lack of faith in the possibility that something can be different. This was somewhat eye-opening for me because if the problem that you’re dealing with isn’t “how do I make sure that I will never drink again for the rest of my life?” but rather, “how do I believe and keep believing that change is possible?”, then that could possibly change things for a person.

Laura was over this evening and we talked some more about wedding things. She and Ethan had come up during break and we looked through Amazon for links to send my mother-in-law to order. I am not an extravagant person but I always think of a bed as something that is supposed to cost thousands of dollars. I’ve never spent that much and neither did they. They found a mattress and a frame which will hopefully be okay.

Her mom found a washer and dryer set on Facebook marketplace today. It was only $350 for the entire set which supposedly was only a year old. So Josh is going to pick that up sometime this week with the truck. I’d been feeling more overwhelmed again today, just thinking about the things that still are needing to be done. But it was a comfort to have Laura around. I’m trying to be a mature woman and not sweat the small things.

Her parents ordered three tons of rock for the outdoor chapel. We walked down and looked at the rock pile which to us did not look like three tons. The plan is to spread the rock around the benches and freshen up the rocks down there. The last time it was done was for a wedding several years ago. She showed me the seating chart and says she thinks she probably has the entire list memorized. It bet she does, she’s very bright.

We were talking about money, quarterly payments and others. I still have my college fund that I opened a few years ago. I loaded it up with a loan that I used for my tuition and Ethan’s. That has now been used up and I have no regrets. The Lutheran High tuition has always come straight from our bank account. I think people sometimes think that we must have gotten help from his parents but we have paid for that all our own.

But the numbers now just do not crunch as easily. I just made a payment for Elianna’s Penn Foster online veterinary technician program tuition. It’s a self-paced program that on average is completed around two years. I spent $2,500 on my somatic practitioner certification courses and I do have some slight regrets about that, only because I can see myself just never finishing or never using it. I’m about 33% done with one of two.

So after thinking about all this I finally said, “You know, I’m just going to have to suck it up and work more.” I was meaning signing up for some 4-hour shifts, which I’ve only done one of this summer. My boss sent a text that I never replied to but in this case I am glad I didn’t because those were the dates we’re supposed to be moving Ethan and Laura’s stuff to Nebraska. Ethan was supposed to have his Detwiller race again then.

And I tried to figure out a way where both things could still happen, where we could rearrange the moving dates and he could still run the race. But the obvious easy/hard thing was that he was going to have to just not run the race. I was actually kind of sad about it, while at the same time realizing this is just the start of the sacrifices he will have to start making and this is what he is signing up for and is how life sometimes is.

Sometimes the sacrifices hurt a little and I feel like that is what it’s like with the work. It has been wonderful not having the financial pressure or need to go out and get a job to earn money. We have always been very compatible this way where the money things do not cause problems and we both understand we’re not going to be rich or overly wealthy with dollars. We have prioritized our kids and there is nothing I regret with that.