“But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned.”
~Galatians 2:11~

Yesterday would’ve been my father-in-law’s 70th birthday. So this evening we went to Culver’s for ice cream to celebrate. Miles was over when we decided to do this. He and Elianna were going to come along and then meet up with Aiden and Graham to go bowling. The social life of teenagers frustrates me at times. Really what it is, is that I get frustrated with the seeming lack of responsibility certain age groups enjoy.

College seems like too much at times. Why are we secluding so many young and able-bodied/minded people and expecting them to go through even more school when we could actually greatly be using their contributions to society? My high school kids tell me they still have so much free time at school that I don’t see why you can’t more efficiently combine high school and college and save them all some time and money.

We went around and said what we appreciated or were thankful for about Papa. Josh said he was thankful that Papa was his dad. Two of the boys talked about how they appreciated how Papa taught them things when he would take them to spend time with him on the farm. My other son said he appreciated how Papa didn’t seem to get mad when they messed something up. I said I was thankful for the meals and the cars.

One of the dumbest things I ever did was throw away most of the pictures from my high school photo album. I was proud of that book and had recorded so many memories there with my pictures. At the time, I think I was thinking that high school was stupid and really had no lasting impression or value in your life. I’d moved on and had kids and that whole period of time seemed like a lifetime ago that had ultimately meant nothing.

Certain photos I can still see. The ones from Washington D.C, the ones of me and my friends on Angie’s car or in my room. The homecoming and sweetheart dances with Nathan and then the homecoming and sweetheart dances with Matt. If only he had liked me more we could’ve been something great together. Every picture had it’s own separate memories and stories which would’ve been nice to still have these days.

During senior year our physics class took a field trip down to Texas. Our teacher was from there and he had all these places that he remembered from his own school days. We were going down to study rocks and also to visit Marfa, TX in order to hopefully view the mysterious lights that the town was supposedly famous for. I don’t remember doing a lick of work on this trip in terms of setting up or taking down the equipment.

One of the first things I did down there was swim to Mexico. I got such a kick out of saying I’d done that. We were exploring the land when I asked the teacher if I could swim across. There was another student named Sean who also wanted to go. I had no feelings for Sean of any kind but I was happy that someone else had had some sense of adventure. There was a picture of me and him on a rock about halfway across.

I haven’t anymore chronological recollection. There are only moments in my mind of things we did while down there or certain unusual things that happened. One night we camped along the river. There were three girls on the trip, with one including the teacher’s daughter. The other girl had been one of my best friends in junior high and had become a closer friend again during senior year when Susan left me for a while.

The rest were boys, four of them. Phil, Sean, Thad, and Zac. Phil was one of my close friends and the only reason I’d agreed to going. Having a girl friend on a field trip would have been okay but having a guy friend also going would make the trip even better. Matt was in our class that year too but he stayed behind for some kind of lame sports commitment. I was disappointed he wasn’t going but he wouldn’t have had any fun.

The night we camped by the river the girls slept in one of the vehicles. Spencer, the other chaperone, was the Lexington sheriff and kept watch with his gun. There were Mexicans crossing the border, or so I always thought and said. I don’t know who else would’ve been rustling around in the tall grass throughout the night. Several times I wondered in slight horror what my parents would do if they knew this was happening.

One of the things we did was spend the night at the Chinati Hot Springs. I feel positive that I have written about this somewhere before. It’s some place in Texas that has natural hot springs that come out of the pipes. They have these cabins you can stay in where you take baths in the water. They had a small outside spring pool where me, Phil, and the teacher talked for a large part of the night until the other chaperone came.

I talked about how this would be a great place for a honeymoon. I think I was thinking that the remoteness of the location made it romantic and there wouldn’t be a lot of people to bother you. I had a strange relationship with this teacher where I wanted to be nice to him but he seemed to take my niceness as reasons to like me more than he needed to. He was a very nice man and very nice to me, but I didn’t like him like that.

It started one day when I said hi to him in the hallway. He was kind of a strange man who was made fun of by other students. So one day I just looked at him and smiled and said “Hi Mr. Simpson” and after that I felt this sort of obligation to look at him and say hi every time I passed by his room. He would stand out in the hallway in between classes which is when I would see him. Kenzie and I would go to his room for study halls.

That was a common thing to do. You left study hall with whatever teacher you had to go hang out in the classroom of a teacher who you liked to be around more. I didn’t really like to be around this teacher per se, but he had this office space off of his classroom with several computers where we would go to check our emails and get away from everyone else. Tonya, Lisa, Susan, and I would do the same with our music teacher.

He would let us come and sort music or hang out in his office to play our instruments and chat. It’s true I had a crush on him just because he was a nice person, but there is a thing that happens where you bond more with certain teachers and become more friends with certain ones over others. These kinds of study halls broke up the day and gave you space to go and feel safe from the pressures and chaos of school life.

Spencer, the cop, came into the pool and Phil and I eventually left. The rest of the students were in the hammocks by the hill. Somehow we ended up sitting and talking in the school van away from everybody else doing other things. I wished several times that we could be making out on the ground somewhere. But there probably would’ve been a rattlesnake or another visitor we didn’t see to ruin the moment and punish us.

Another night we stayed in a coed bunkhouse. Where we were, how we were all in the same area, or why we couldn’t invest in more appropriate accommodations I’ll never know at this point. Phil was on the bottom bed and I was on the top. I don’t remember where anyone else was in the set up. One night we stayed in Big Bend National Park and there were just too many places to remember them all or what order.

Another day we rode donkeys into a Mexican town. A very small one. We were all given ten dollars to spend on the village children who we were told would come up to us wanting to sell things. This was another one of those photos. Of us all in the rowboat being ferried across the river. Of the donkeys we rode just like Jesus once did. Of me with this little girl, with my orange t-shirt and bandana, us sitting on the school steps.

Another whole day was spent on a river tour. The tour guide looked like Kevin Bacon, in fact, I’m sure it was him, that’s how similar they looked. If it was the river contaminate, if it was the food they served as part of the tour deal, I don’t know. But that night the other girls and I were so horribly sick I thought my dad was going to have to come get me. We were supposed to leave the next morning but we’d spent all night being sick.

Somehow we managed. I imagined plane tickets, hoping there’d be some way to get home besides having to spend 14 hours in a van managing upset stomachs. But God was merciful to us in clearing the germ from our systems and giving us relief by the morning. All we had to do was pass out exhausted and let the drivers be responsible for getting us home. The sheriff wanted to leave us there but the teacher wouldn’t let him.

The kids have their Northern Lights dance tonight. The Northern Lights were around a couple of months ago I think but I didn’t really get that into it. Unless you’re seeing them with the naked eye, I don’t think they’re that great. People were coming out here with their families to see them and I felt bad because there wasn’t much to see.

You could see some pink with your phone but that was about it. I have a sister who was underwhelmed with the eclipse last year because the sky did not go completely dark. I can see where that would be a disappoint if total darkness is what you were expecting. I’ve seen videos where it became very dark but I have never seen it get that dark.

There was a lot of running around today at the track meets. Indoor doesn’t have the same excitement as outdoor but it has it’s place. We stood around in the Illinois College field house for about two and a half hours, watched Miles run his 400, and then stayed a little longer before heading back home. I wanted to make sure we got to a meet.

Concordia has a better system for meets. Of the six or so regular season indoor meets, I believe four of them are held at Concordia. They run their events by time so you know exactly when your person is running. With this other one all they had were heat sheets. Ethan ran the mile at 5:05PM and then the 3K at 8:10. Both events were on time.

Dad had a speaking engagement in Jacksonville tonight of all places. So it was just the boys and I watching. The coach made everyone run in two events which is why he had two this time. Usually everybody only runs one and only sometimes will a few of them do two. Josh will be out in Nebraska next weekend and will go to a meet while there.

The boys took the Christmas tree outside and burned it. It’s wonderful having children who help with so many chores and they do so without complaint or resistance. After that they burned boxes while the bigger kids finished up with the dishes. The bigger kids have had spirit week and have another dance tomorrow evening. Miles has an indoor track meet over in Jacksonville that we want to go to if the times work out.

I was back at the Thrive Center again in the morning and stayed somewhat into the afternoon for a few more hours. The time goes by fast. Everything is downloaded onto my computer now so I spent some time playing around with it and getting used to the layout. The mood was much better than things had been yesterday but I still can’t help but out of place in the setting. Besides the other intern who I had intercession class with, none of these people are people I talk with outside of this building.

There’s this whole other life that is lived by these people where they go to meetings and dinners and retreats and it’s all centered around recovery from alcohol. I find it hard to relate to just how much a substance can have such a pull on your life, and yet there’s this community element to it of which I almost feel envious. They leave group in the morning and will see each other at the 5:15 meeting or the weekend trauma retreat.

I’m sure I’m romanticizing some of it. I wish I could just do a session where we put everyone on the floor for a solid hour of mat and breathwork. This seriously is the way to reprogram your mind and least it was one of the ways for me. But I just do not have that kind of boldness right now to put myself out there or to assume that what worked for one person is what would also work for everyone. By work I mean help.

Today I did feel much better. I came home and warmed up soup and then went to bed for a nap but ended up trying to get caught up with my hour logs. I’ve been minorly obsessed with the Trump women lately and have found myself watching YouTube shorts and interviews with Kai, Melania, and Ivanka but this too shall pass. I was missing baby Zorro when I saw a picture of him small. I had these babies once that I’m missing.

I’ve mostly just been waiting for my non-sick thoughts to come back. As much as it isn’t hard to write here in terms of effort, it still involves energy, which at some times just feels like it needs to be preserved and kept in. I still have not been feeling well and there are plenty of things going around at the moment. At Contact tonight about half of the residents are quarantined in their rooms for having influenza A, so hopefully I have not just reinfected myself.

I’m not really happy with either one of my sites right now. Earlier today at Thrive the supervisor seemed grumpy and seemed to have forgotten that I was coming. And then I didn’t help things because I didn’t bring my laptop which would’ve been useful in having to download whatever software I’m supposed to be getting in order to be able to chart in their system. I just wish things were moving faster there because that is more the setting where I’d like to be getting experience.

Alexis and I were both sick on Tuesday so today was our first day working together. She already has several concerns about the site that she’s been talking about with her faculty supervisor. Supposedly they’ve been pulled as a site before because of several of the reasons she was bringing up, including not be able to get the required amount of supervision. The two new moms who moved in over break have a combined amount of eight kids who are all young.

It’s hard to meet individually or even hear they while they’re talking when having to filter out the kids. The moms I’ve met with up until this point have either only had one child or their children were old enough to hang out in the room by themselves for a while. At times it can be a very wearisome environment. The kid group meeting we had went well and I do like the experience and think it’s a good site, it’s just very niche and you have to be willing to accept it’s deficiencies.

Thrive is much more peaceful, I just can’t seem to break out of my timidity shell and be more open and assertive about what I am wanting, or be certain that more hours there is what I even want. I feel like I have this person inside of me who is personable and warm and would make a good counselor. It’s just hard to let other people see that for some reason. It snowed another inch or two this morning but the temps were not as cold as the past several days.

“…and lead me in the way everlasting~
~Psalm 139:9~

I could be totally wrong, but I don’t think that even in the Song of Songs is there any indication that the couple there shares a deep and rapturous soul connection. Happy, yes. Enamored, yes. But where does it show that these two souls are joined and that this results in them mysteriously knowing and understanding every little thing about each other?

The only place I see anything like this is Psalm 139, and this is not a couple in love. “O LORD, you have searched me and known me.” And then it goes on with all these things about how God knows everything about us. Where we are. What we’re thinking. What we are doing. How we were made.

Who else could know us like this? And why do I look to find it anywhere else? This comfort God gives is uniquely ours in the context of living in a world with heartache. In the afterlife, in the life to come, we will not need the comfort of God seeing our trials or knowing our thoughts or our whereabouts. There will be no more of me left to find. Only him.

Unless I’m misjudging I seem to be already on the mend. That’s good because I have things I need to do this week. I woke up this morning still with a fever, chills, and pain all over. Since 2021 I don’t tolerate fevers. I used to try to let it run its course without altering it with antipyretics. But I finally was like, oh whatever I can’t take this. And I got out of bed and took one ibuprofen.

I walked back to the room and felt suddenly nauseous. There was nowhere to go so I knelt at the laundry pile and threw up Sprite until my stomach and bladder were seemingly empty. I muttered to my husband, “I need your help”, and soon he was up and standing over me. He cleaned up the laundry and liquids while I crossed over to the bathroom to shower. After that I felt better.

The kids had off school for MLK day. They slept in for what seemed a long time, possibly pushing 10AM. I stayed in bed and drank juice for most of the day. Dad had a group at the CGC he went over and talked to for a while. There were people we knew from camp. They walked down to the lake in the afternoon and stayed down there for over an hour. Later we ate a nice supper together.

I called off work today but found a replacement. This was the right decision as I would’ve been utterly miserable. I felt it coming on last night and almost texted a coworker then but decided to see how I felt in the morning. To my shock and surprise she said she’d come in and not just for part of it but for all of the shift. One of the boys has had another cough these last two weeks so finally now I have succumbed to something.

The kids and I watched church from home. I didn’t wake anyone up for them to leave in time. Elianna had been out past midnight after attending a concert in St. Louis with the youth group. Dad was up and had to be out by 7 to preach somewhere at a dual parish. Later he and Elianna went out and grocery shopped. The boys drove into town to get burgers and brought back food for them and Dad for lunch. They stopped by the store.

So it’s been a chill day here inside and out. The temps are in those ridiculously cold single digits where the boys come back from walking Zorro red faced. Ethan said several of them drove out of town then ran back in the direction of the wind. He stopped when they ran by the school. When two of them were done they dropped into the ditch and curled up and stayed there until getting picked up. It was a nice day and I was grateful for it.

One of the boys came in and told me Ethan was running a 5k at the track meet. Oh that’s right, it’s tomorrow, I said. He said, no it’s tonight. I don’t even really remember knowing there was a meet and had to search my email for the coach’s links. It wasn’t the greatest time but I wasn’t expecting that. Within 15 minutes of hearing about the race he was on the living room tv and everybody was watching including grandma from her house.

I couldn’t watch the whole thing. Actually I probably could’ve but I’m used to leaving and watching it later. It’s just easier that way. But I texted him good luck and heard from him a little bit after the race. This afternoon I met Elianna and Judah at the Y because she and I had scheduled to Y days on my calendar and I’d already cancelled one earlier in the week. I didn’t have energy to go today either but I went and just dealt with it for the sake of trying to keep and build our relationship.

Judah wanted to drive home so he did. I did have him text me so at least there was that. The two of them had been running before I was there. Elianna wanted to do some kind of strength training and I planned the days because I just wanted to do something. It is hard this time of year to walk outside for whatever reason. I keep saying to myself that when I’m done with school I’ll get in shape again. I just haven’t been able to keep it a priority.

There really are only so many things I can be steady with. I said something the other day about wanting to dye my hair and Josh said, “Why?” Because women who dye their hair are prettier, I said. I was thinking of this girl in my class who does hair for a living and her hair always has a pretty color and looks nice. We have to watch ourselves on these videos and this last one had me thinking I could stand to do my hair more or try to tame the wild strands. The outfits still need work.

But again this all takes time and money, things that are limited and that I’m already spending. The next day I found several printed papers in the bathroom with the cover title Caring For Grey Hair. I appreciated that. He insists I should just let it go grey when it comes instead of trying to pluck them out which I’ve mostly given up doing. It really doesn’t bother me all that much but I still did a quick grey check over before leaving for group.

I think sometimes that this line on my face is a scar, and maybe even a punishment that was allowed as a reminder. The line I don’t even think about there but with the hair today I did. There was a new woman there for group who is also a practicum student from school. One student in group was okay but two for me felt like it changed the dynamic. I didn’t think of it until later, but if I get the chance I’d like to take a chance before process group and ask the others how they feel.

About having these students here. Part of group is being able to be honest about what’s happening even if it isn’t necessarily comfortable. I told the supervisor that one of the clients was using group more as walk-in counseling, disrupting the group every time he comes in, and that makes it unfair and uncomfortable for the other women in the group. There is a time and a place for what he needs but group is for people who are doing the work.

The new girl and I miscommunicated about the evening. We were texting each other about seeing each other tonight except I forgot the supervisor had said she’d be putting her in the emergency shelter. So I got to the temporary shelter about 4 and sat on the couch in the common area. I talk to a few of the kids who were in and out of the room. They asked when I was going to start group and I said I was waiting for Alexis.

But after a half hour or so I figured I would go ahead and get started. I sent her a text to see if she was still coming. Later when I saw it she said she was downstairs. There is a child who I have learned does not do well in group and does much better by herself. But the girls asked about having her in there and I said okay we’ll try it. It didn’t go well and my other supervisor would say, “So who’s the one with the learning disability?”

So I went downstairs to talk to the supervisor and when I walked into the ES she was majorly laying into the women who were lined up at their tables. WE ARE WOMEN. I guess people weren’t keeping their spaces clean. And a whole bunch of other things were said because somebody had brought liquor and marijuana on the property and into the building. So then they had to do a search of everyone’s belongs and living areas.

They sign a contract not to do that so they know they’re not supposed to. So eventually after that I caught up with Alexis for a few seconds in person and put the name to the face of the people from class. She’s very cute with pretty hair. She’s actually worked there before and knows the boss so she’s familiar with the facility. I told her I normally leave around 6:30 which is when I also left tonight. She was going to do an intake.

Later we texted about how that was a lot and she was going to just come upstairs for the next time because she is there to do counseling not the other stuff she was doing (besides the intake). I told her there were plenty of people upstairs to get time with especially if she doesn’t mind meeting with kids. I don’t think the supervisor will mind, she is pretty supportive about whatever. So I don’t know, we’ll see how next week goes.