I’ve been avoiding going back to Contact. I feel like I needed several come to Jesus moments of lying in bed processing that I need to go back. It was all automatic I wasn’t really even thinking too deeply about it. But it’s a lot there, and you can only be flexible and adaptable for so long before you start to feel stressed by the lack of stability.

There’s a lot to catch up on, except yesterday was not a good day to meet and neither was today, although I did go in. I was just going to sit in for the wrap-around meetings for a little while before going to class. Two women have moved out via placement. One left to move in with a boyfriend which is what also happened over Thanksgiving.

And then that person ended up back in a shelter somewhere else. So we were in the meeting following up with one of the girls who recently left which is what they officially do for up to a year just to continue providing support as they get back on their feet. She was not having a good day because her son had gotten suspended from school again.

Sigh. Yes, again. It’s not at all like this kid is delinquent. He’s a good kid until until he gets in these situations. I don’t know who to believe, the mother, or the kid, or the school or supervisor. I hear different stories from all of them. It ticks me off. There is a culture of fighting and violence down here that makes you wonder how teachers cope.

She asked today if I’d be interested in doing any paid case work. It depends what the said case work would entail. The case work intern is gone though I still don’t know why. Did she graduate, leave, get fired, find a job? There’s hardly time to get any details. I am led on by hope that this might be a way of speedily accumulating these needed hours.

But I don’t know if the hope is true or false. I did get an email tonight from a classmate who is beginning her practicum there this semester. She sent me the times she’d be at the facility and I’m planning on matching her schedule for the most part. Again, not to get my hopes up too much, or even hers, but it would be nice to have another person.

Grandma seems to have perked back up today. She was sleeping but was alert enough to Facetime people but for not very long. I was on my way to class when my aunt called. I told her to tell her hi from school for me. Earlier in the day I called but the phone was off the hook. The class I’m in is smaller which is nice. We got out again a little bit early.

“…For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.”
~1 Corinthians 14:35~

My grandma is possibly on her deathbed but no one is certain. My aunt was keeping us updated saying she’d been awake for almost 30 hours. She’d been picking daisies, baking pies, and asking for help to pack her bags. She wasn’t dying today (yesterday), she was dying tomorrow. She’d been busy talking to people in heaven, Ken and Susie and so many others. She’d talked to missionaries and shared the Gospel with others.

She finally fell asleep (not the death kind). The hospice nurse came in and said her lungs were clear, her oxygen levels good, her skin still warm and she’d recently been drinking. They gave her morphine and anxiety medicine beforehand and none of it had done anything to calm her down. She’s still living with Tony and Darlene in New York. I am just so immensely grateful for them taking her in. A friend from church stopped by.

She said it seemed grandma had one foot on earth and another in heaven. And she said how happy she was for her. I didn’t share the same feelings or I guess it wasn’t my first thought. It’s weird to me when people jump so quickly to happy. But this friend woman is like 30 years older than me and a stronger Christian than I am. All the people who went to this church seemed to have such strong faith and joy from what I could tell.

Women did not speak during the church service. But they spoke during conferences, and in Sunday School classrooms, and in prayer meetings and evening get-togethers. When I think about my greatest unhappiness and dissatisfaction with church, I think I could narrow it down to not being able to talk. There are not enough opportunities to speak and be heard, for there to be a mutual building up and learning from others.

I understand there’s a fine line. Sharing prayer requests can quickly descend into gossip and there becomes a list a mile long when you begin to include every surgery, diagnosis, and health concern of your neighbors. In class I get annoyed with the people who just seem to think they’re God’s gift to the world when it comes to their thoughts and feedback. They go on and on and you want to say “LET SOMEONE ELSE TALK.”

I’m pretty sure that’s my flesh though so I do try to be mindful and reframe it with grace. We really do all have our quirks and inconsistencies and dreadfully difficult things to bear with, both in ourselves and in other people. These are ways to grow in compassion and patience especially when we’re open to God’s work in our life. The above mentioned thoughts in my head are not the thoughts that I want to be there.

I wish we could still have prayer meetings. Where the church is open for any person to come and they could be listened to. No problem too small or any prayer request too petty. And you could put your arm around this person and hold their hand or simply place your hand on their shoulder. Or you wouldn’t even have to touch them, you could just open the Bible and read them a verse and pray for them because they were loved.

We started back with school today. The class I’m taking is Social Justice and Advocacy in Counseling. It’s very similar to the multicultural class I already took and is also one of the class requirements here. We went through the syllabus and had to do introductions. This teacher frustrates people because she doesn’t return emails. Her partner (a man) suddenly died two months ago from leukemia.

We were done within an hour. I love when classes get out early. I always leave feeling like I have a new lease on life. She said there won’t be lectures in this class because it is mostly discussion based. I asked for clarification about an assignment. Is this a term paper? She said it’s really up to you and depends on what works best for you. Next week we already won’t have class because of the MLK holiday.

So I think I’m going to like it. I feel bad for being such a slacker sometimes. If they’re chill about it then I’m chill about it and I’m not going to complain about the way she’s doing things. It’s not that you don’t try or don’t want to learn but the readings seem like too much to keep up with in the way I would love to be reading them. I did read an article that is part of the assigned readings list for the course.

My internship class is different so I’m not sure what’s going on there. There are required textbooks which my last instructor did not have. She wants four individual videos between the two of us instead of last semester’s two. Instead of sighing, I’m going to try and embrace this expectation of development where we’re supposed to be going deeper into our theory both in research and in practice.

I saw a student from my former school. I almost couldn’t believe my eyes because this whole time I’d thought I was the only one. We said hello. He had just started in the semester when they announced the closing. He’s a black man who often wore a clerical collar. So that was kind of nice but I’m still the person in the back of the crowd. I’m thinking I will do my project on mental health care for the poor.

It hit me that at some point I had wanted to be a caterer. Making food for groups, decorating tables, and being available for weekend parties seemed like something I could do that could also make fantastic money. People always need food and look for ways to get out of cooking it. I’d been to enough catered events to know what was good and what wasn’t. Tender meat, potatoes, bread, and several vegetables was enough.

I remembered all this at the bridal expo this afternoon. I dropped the boys off at Sunday school and met Laura and her mom at the Crowne Plaza. They’d never been in there. I’ve been in there for graduations and receptions and even dance recitals for campers. Back in the day they would even have proms there though I’d never been to one of those. The building towers over the interstate exit that I now use for school.

Elianna met the boys there after going to church with Miles. He’d gone to West Side this morning, which is the closest thing we have to a mega-church in Springfield. He isn’t totally sold on his home church and likes to church visit on occasion. Last night we were all at Trinity for the Saturday night service. Dad and Ethan left this morning around 8 to take him back to Nebraska. He didn’t want to stay over so he is driving back tonight.

The wedding isn’t scheduled until August 8, 2026. I’ve had some thoughts regarding this that I haven’t necessarily worked out yet. Traditionally I’ve been told that long engagement aren’t the greatest and I would’ve tended to agree with that opinion. I had no problem with him asking her and feel like it was right for him to make his intentions known. She wants to get married in the summer, but this summer seemed too soon.

I thought, “What if I have cancer? I wonder if they’d move it…” I’ve currently put that out of mind until there is something to worry about. All things considered, knowing what I know about marrying young and beginning your life, I don’t think it’s such a bad idea to wait. Get another year of school done, mature more, research the town and housing options, and preferably find a job. She wears that ring at Baylor meaning she’s taken.

But to have a whole year at school together, that’s going to be tough. I have some stories which I feel in some way morally obligated to share but have not had the courage, chance, or just the right moment to tell him. Dorm rules do not keep you from following them, and there are always those 24-hour lounge spaces. It could be the cold of winter, it does not matter. The trails, the moon, the magic of night will draw you out.

They want to get married at camp. Her parents questioned it at first but I guess they relented. We walked into the expo not knowing what to expect but being willing to try it. They had caterers, florists, dress shops, and photo stations. I did not cry saying goodbye to my son, but when it came to the three of us standing there in the parking lot, I cried when I hugged her, and then her mom did, and then she did. We had such a nice break.

I don’t know, she’s so sweet, and the whole thing is just overwhelming at times. Or unbelievable, I’m not quite sure what the word is. And yet this is normal and thankfully part of life. It’s fun with these extra people around. I drove back to Sherman and went straight to County Market to pick up food for lunch and supper and a few more meals for the week. The kids met me back home, unloading the van without me even asking.

My nieces came over to sled in the afternoon. Jessica and Jason were up in Wisconsin for a wedding. We spent the previous evening at my mother-in-law’s house. There hadn’t been a chance for all of us to be together so came over for supper and for our annual Christmas bingo game with prizes. It was actually really fun. The lane had already been cleared by a neighbor but still had several inches of snow.

We sat at the table and there was laughter and goofy conversation for quite some time. We were genuinely enjoying each other’s company which is always such a relief for me. After supper we had birthday dessert and then we went into the bingo game. I ended up trading my prize with my niece because she had an ugly Christmas sweater coffee mug and I had a mini-Harry Potter character who said a few words.

She would’ve rather had the toy and I would’ve rather had the mug. I used the mug for coffee to bring outside during sledding. My mother-in-law and I parked our chairs at the top of the hill and watched. We were the judges for whoever could get the farthest on their the sled. The older kids were with Miles and Laura who had also been there at the house for bingo. Dad was on the hill keeping the dog on his leash.

We woke again to falling snow. The snow continued from morning till evening. The kids still had school that started on schedule so Dad ended up taking them at my request. All three of the bigger kids went this time. The roads were slick and driving was slow so I did not go to group and stayed home with the boys. We did social studies last and I tried to read to them about the Boston Massacre which I know nothing about.

I just couldn’t stay with it so we watched a segment on YouTube and called that our lesson. I suggested we watch a documentary about the Donner Party since this is what we do on warm, snowy, grey days. So we watched half of it and paused at the part where The Forlorn Hope sets out with 17 people but by the time they make it somewhere semi-safe they’ve only got 7 with many more still in the mountains.

Since I wasn’t going to group Dad stayed out to get the oil changed. After that he started plowing while the boys and I made ham and rice. I was starting to feel like he was avoiding us because he’d been outside for what seemed like hours and wasn’t coming in at the normal time to eat. I called and he was on the picnic table out front finishing his cigar. I said I was starting to feel like he was avoiding us.

He said he wasn’t trying to avoid us he was trying to avoid work. He’d tried to talk himself out of going outside and plowing but in the end thought it’d be better if he cleared off the snow so whenever the sun came back there’d be less for it to melt. But what’d he’d really wanted to do was stay inside and be lazy. So he wasn’t trying to avoid us, he’d wanted to stay inside where we were but he went outside instead to plow.

Sometimes you just have to ask for clarification. So I rewarmed up the food the boys had already put away and sometime he came in and must’ve eaten it. The boys and I went downstairs and cleaned in the laundry room which becomes a giant mess when the snow gear comes out and the holiday decor is laying around. There was a whole garbage bag full of trash and the mountain of laundry is only now a small floor layer.

“To the present hour we hunger and thirst, we are poorly dressed and buffeted and homeless…”
~1 Corinthians 4:11~

My sister called in the morning to catch me up on her latest job news. I’d texted them to see how everyone’s new year was going, if they were back into their routines. She’s been feeling for a while like she maybe needs a new job. My brother-in-law and two of my sisters all work for the same church. Like any church it has its problems. But she’s been wondering if it wasn’t time to move somewhere else, to return to old places.

And that was the plan as far as I knew, until she had a change of heart. The goodbyes had been said, the month notice given, the new job was lined up. But then she saw the chaos ensuing; the pastor trying to get her a raise, her duties being split between her post-partum sister and the young husband and dad already working 70 hours. I thought, “Where are the Boomers?? Why are these young ones carrying so much?”

There’s so much resentment out there over how much a people group, gender, or generation failed another. It’s not my problem to solve, and neither is it my sister’s in this particular situation. I suppose we all in some form or another have to have our own experiences that causes us to despair of life itself in order that we might be mercifully cured of the delusion that we had somehow cracked the code to personal prosperity.

And I guess that’s supposed to be comforting for people. I know it is it just doesn’t always feel like it. So anyway the boys finished school and we heated up leftovers for lunch. There was potato soup and tator tot casserole and the warming comfort foods of winter. I feel like there was something else I’m forgetting. I had a Zoom call with my instructor trying to get my technology figured out so I could log my intercession hours.

She has to email the company. I was madly calculating numbers to compare what it would look like to finish in summer or to still go through the fall with three classes. Dad and the boys went outside to sled. I walked out there eventually just to see what was going on. The van got stuck when Ethan backed it up to go pick up Laura. I took the dog so Josh could go help him. We have another official driver as of sometime this week.

Judah dressed up and drove Ethan and Laura around for their date. They put the middle seats down in the van to make it more like a limousine. Laura likes this Thai place so that’s where they met while my other son went to a close McDonalds. They came here afterwards but I was at class. I came home right as they were leaving for him to take her back home. Elianna came home eventually and Ethan sometime after I was asleep.

My flesh showed up this morning where it came on two times in a row in fairly rapid succession. It started when I said I didn’t want to go back to school. It really was just a statement about whatever feeling I was having. But it was met with one of my offspring replying, “Well, you kind of brought that on yourself.” Like would it kill anybody just once, just once, to have some kind of curiosity about the woman who raised them.

So the reply was not, “Oh mom, tell me, what made you want to go back to school? What are you learning about? What kinds of things do you want to do when you’re done?” I say it was the flesh because it was, that Achilles heel of mine to want their admiration. I thought, “Oh my gosh this is my flesh. This is the thing that is always tripping me up.” I went and told my husband about it and he said something that helped me to feel better. I told him thanks for listening and that he did a good job.

The second time was in the bathroom this morning. Josh was wiping out the sink and he said, “Sorry, I’m just cleaning up my beard hairs so you don’t hold it against me.” I felt so unknown. Like after all these years he still doesn’t see it. I said, “I don’t hold it against you for not cleaning up beard hairs. I hold it against you that you don’t appreciate that I don’t hold it against you for not cleaning up beard hairs.” He laughed and that was all.

That I’m not like those other women. That’s what you and everyone needs to appreciate. It really is awful and I thought about this for a while and how much strife it’d brought into my life. Such a colossal waste of emotion, not to mention being a quality that makes a person unpleasant. It was one of those things that faded with the morning’s progression. I ate breakfast, started school, kept on with the laundry. “Hush flesh, you’re dead now”, I actually thought it to myself, confident now in my beliefs.

I’m kind of sad break is over. We had such a nice time and now it’s slowly turning into something else that isn’t it, as in, it’s a new moment in time. The kids are back to school. I will start again soon. Ethan will have to go back sometime this weekend. I actually had one of my class meetings this afternoon and still have to come up with another video for tomorrow. Sometimes I question whether counseling is all that helpful for people.

Classmates were telling of cancellations and no-shows. How you think you’re starting to form rapport with a person and then they quit coming or move away or what have you. I remember thinking similar things in Pharmacology. Why are we putting so much stock in these pills and not asking more questions as to what’s causing their symptoms? If a pill can so greatly effect the body, how much more a plate of good food? It’s the idealism, the partial truths mixed with the not so black and white realities of being alive.

There were five of us for supper this evening. The high school kids were at a youth group meeting and we moved all the table papers to the far end of the table and then we ate at the other. Somebody commented on how big Zorro is already. I think he’s having some kind of growth spurt because to me he looks like an actual dog. They say he’ll get even bigger. For a moment I imagined getting another one, a puppy from birth.

The snow makes everything so beautiful. I just love it so much to have these seasons of winter when everything is hushed. I don’t think I could take it forever because there is something to being able to walk outside without coats. And be warmed by the sand. In the mornings I’ve been getting up and going straight for my coffee and readings. We have the best couch and I bring out with me at least one blanket.

The boys started back with school today. The bigger kids had a late start and didn’t have to be there until nine. Dad was back to work and even wore more dressier clothes. He said he’s been wearing clothes like this all along but I thought today he looked more professional. He does Bible study twice a month at the high school so he left for that before lunch. I made a casserole for the rest of us who were here. I actually made two so that the big kids would have an extra one that they could use for their lunches.

I’d asked my son about supper and he said chicken strips and cheesy potatoes so that was his birthday meal. Josh picked up a few things that he can use to hopefully clean up one of our vans that’s been sitting for a couple of years. Looking back we probably should’ve kept driving it at least every once in a while. But he’s hoping he can get it working and then use it for a vehicle. The back is covered in crayon.

The kids went to the Y after school. We’ve had this membership for years that gets used sometimes and sometimes doesn’t. The three older kids ran on the treadmills and I used some variation of recumbent bike that also had arm handles. Before that Ethan and I had gone to Walmart. He wanted to pick out a birthday present for Laura. He wants to get her a Cardinals shirt but I didn’t know that until we were there. Any time I’ve ever bought a Cardinals shirt I have bought them at Target. We found a few things.

Mr. Clean erasers and some marshmallow stuffed animal. Elianna and I drove home together and the boys followed fairly soon after. We had our birthday dinner and party plus the ice cream cake he wanted for dessert. I was actually very full afterward. Before that Dad and the boys had played outside in the snow drift by the indoor chapel. Zorro was there too and took another long nap. I had one too in the day.

The kids had a snow day because of the snow. We ended up with about seven inches which really isn’t that much. The worst of it was yesterday afternoon and evening when we actually had to drive in it. Josh took me to work and then picked me up when it was over. I was lucky to get out almost 45 minutes early because the night nurse who works on REACH came in early at 7. She came over around 10:15 to get report so I could go.

The kids of course wanted to play outside sometime today. They were out for several hours, I am not even kidding. Just when I thought they’d been out long enough Laura’s parents dropped her of since they were running errands in town. So then Dad took them all out to the big hill. I stayed inside and cleaned the living room and made cookies. Before they left they came in for a water break and I brought them cups.

Just when I thought it’d be time for everyone to come home a new group arrived to sled. Before that a neighbor asked if her husband could bring her son over to sled. It’s the same neighbor who was in my son’s class. I said of course and they had all just left for the big hill. Later she sent me a video of all the kids sledding down in a chain and riding over a ramp one of the boys had set up. It was actually quite amusing.

It took a while to bake the cookies because I only have one sheet that only holds eight at time. Zorro was out for a while and then he was in with me and then eventually he was down for a nap. He was out in the snow yesterday and after that came in and took a four hour nap. I’m just amazed at his energy, really by all of them I am amazed. I was short of breath just walking around the house again and carrying around the vacuum.

Well they all ended up back here eventually. I went for a walk and met them coming back by the chapel. So then I turned around because I was only walking to find them. Right about the time everyone got home a new group came to sled. It was Maddy and Matt and his brother and her mom and siblings. The mom and I have been semi-planning a spring break trip to Florida. We need somewhere where we can sunbathe.

Well her kids wanted to play with my boys and I told them they’d just been out for four hours. But they begged and said they’d been warmed by tea and cookies so I sighed and said fine if they are not going to freeze. Elianna went back with Zorro and two of the boys. Ethan and Laura stayed here and cuddled in the living room and for a while I was sitting by them looking at photo albums of the birthday boy when he was a baby.

There was a picture in there of Ethan crying and me hugging him. One day he’d started crying thinking about how he would have to grow up and leave me. I was wearing a hat he made me that said World’s Greatest Mom. I remember thinking when it happened, “I need to take a picture of this”, so I did, I took a selfie of me and him. He said he thought I looked smug in the picture but what I was feeling was a mix of joy, empathy, and love.

I told Judah last night that I didn’t have any presents for him. His birthday is just close enough to Christmas that it’s hard for me to be on top of it. I needed a day to get that figured out so we planned to celebrate it tomorrow once we had time to get something together. Today we celebrated still a little by stopping by church after the Epiphany service. We’d ended up staying longer to help take down the Christmas decorations.

So then after that we went to the store. He and Dad went in and they came back with some ice cream. Mint Chocolate Chip and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. On the way home we listened to music and drove slower because of the roads. Some of them were cleared off and others still had drifts and snow. We came home and sat at the table with bowls and spoons and Dad served the ice cream. We ate supper a few hours earlier.

Laura went back with Matt and David because they live in Auburn. Laura’s mom invited me to go with them to a bridal expo/show thing in Springfield this coming weekend. There is also a women’s retreat in March we talked about going to. It’s my weekend to work but it would only be for Friday night. Dad says it’s time to start getting up like adults again tomorrow. That made me laugh. I’m just shaking my head at this silliness.