We won’t go into the irony of how a person can try to intentionally eat right and stay active with not much change in the way of lost weight, but can be sick for a month and lose 15lbs. In the beginning of this it was hard to eat, and the thought of food felt sick and wrong. After gallons of water, hot teas, and bone broth, my appetite has finally returned and the thought of food is no longer off-putting. Any strength or endurance I once had is completely gone and will have to slowly be built back up over months.

I’m ready to be done with the grasping of youth. To hell with being fit or remotely attractive, I truly just want to be well again. I see celebrity women online in their 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s, and there’s a part of me that understands, but another part of me that yearns for somebody to give up the struggle. Can we embrace getting older in a way that includes the vast majority of women? Is it so bad to be normal, to have grey hair, sagging jowls, and brow lines? After all, what is it that we have been doing these years?

Hopefully we have lived our lives. Aren’t all these things the perfect signs of what we’ve been through? I want to grow older with life having made me a kinder person by 50, not a person impressing others because her skin looks amazing. Not that there’s anything wrong with those things. Some women are blessed in the way of earthly beauty, and honestly, good for them. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being stewards of the earthly gifts we’ve been given, so long as we remain stewards and don’t become slaves.

But enough of all that. It’s the first day of Lent, what is known as Ash Wednesday. I’m a little rusty these days with the theological insights, besides the fact that Lent has never really been my thing. There are a few things I’m realizing when it comes to writing, and one is that you don’t need to be a “writer”, or constantly blowing the world’s mind, or knocking anybody’s socks off in order to make a difference in somebody’s life. You can do that being a kind and compassionate person who cares about other earthly people.

My sisters and I were texting today about the “fringe interactions” gone missing during these covid days, that is, the interactions with people you see out and about, such as the library lady, the grocery store cashier, the girl ringing up your pizza order, or the other mom in the Target aisle. I was feeling slightly angry today about the isolation of our culture, which is reality, yes, but also a brain rut I can sometimes get stuck in. And yet we’re changing, friends, remember? Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Loveless to lovely.