He wondered why I’d come if I wasn’t going to end up getting out of the car. In the middle of the day an email went out to the track kids and parents that one of their teammates had won state in the high jump and triple jump. They were meeting at school to welcome him back and celebrate. I knew my son would want to go, and asked if he’d mind if I came along. I came because I wanted to share in the happy moment.
Yesterday’s little urgent care visit seems to have cured the ill temper that had taken up residence. Camp season is here now, with weekend events beginning this morning. We spent some of the afternoon finishing up the cleaning in the front of the house. It might be a tad harsh to say that the front of our house starts to look like a dump after a while. I admit there is an element of keeping up with the Jones’s when it comes to my ideas of the improvements our house needs, but there is also value in normal upkeep.
I’m happy with the way it turned out. It isn’t perfect or completely finished, but it’s better than it was before. They say you can tell a lot about a man by the way he keeps his yard. I tend to think the state of the yard reflects more on me. When the kids were little I thought I just didn’t have time to bother with things like outside beautification. Now that they are older, I think I still just get depressed and give up.
None of this accounts for what is truly on my mind. There was a moment with a child where the stated factor of decision-making was that it would be better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Moments after I found this out, I was swept up into a conversation that would’ve been even more enjoyable had I not been distracted. Panic and rage were firing inside me while simultaneously being introduced to a couple who is camping for the weekend. I feel I am too sensitive for this vocation I have.
Two of the kids are sleeping away from the house tonight. One is with the summer staff and another is sleeping in a camper with friends. I understand that these are all very normal things. A couple of moms and I were talking tonight about how it feels like we are losing our kids. I was not the only mom who wants her kids to be home with her and for things not to feel like they’re gone before they’ve even technically left. We also acknowledged that we were thankful they had this camp where they wanted to be.
Every so often a shift in the life or parenting stage comes with its internal adjustments, and sends me back to feeling like I am raw, inexperienced, and starting all over. In the end, I am overwhelmed feeling blessed beyond measure for the privilege of having been a part of their lives. Every day of this journey has been one of learning to trust in the goodness and love of God towards my children, but also for me. I truly can’t keep up, and still today, am learning to embrace, love, know, and be along for the ride.