After Joyful Hearts I always feel these pangs of regret like I didn’t show up as much as I could’ve. I feel like this year I was better and have been through this enough times to know ahead of time to make the efforts. One of the campers had a blanket wrapped around him this morning. It had a picture of his mother’s face along with the dates of the years she’d been alive and the word Mom. She died three years ago and he was missing her this whole time.

It was just the thought of him feeling comfort being wrapped in the memory of his mother. He was 25 and so I obviously thought of my own sons and the thought that I could’ve somehow even possibly had some kind of effect on them that they would be comforted to be wrapped in my memory. Somehow I knew in my heart that I’d loved them, and that they would know that I had.

The day got progressively emotional from there. I spent some time with the nurse and the hardness of her life that is always the case. I don’t know why it always feel so emotional each year to be with her. I think it has to do with having someone who has known you and your family for so many years. I am seen in a way that I am not with the others here as well as remembered. She remembers Josh and I from my days of extreme panic attacks in the CGC basement.

Ethan and Laura are back from the wedding. They pulled in just minutes before I was getting home from work. The day at Hope went well but I was tender from the morning so everybody’s stories were hitting me harder. I truly care about these people. Today was my first time doing a family session, a set of parents with a young adult daughter. I really love having multiple people at once.

A couple was there with their newborn baby. I just see all these people and feel so unworthy or unqualified to be just a regular person who is supposed to be able in some way to help total strangers with their problems. As much as I want to pride myself on clinical skills or have it be more about applying my knowledge, I think so much of it is still in the heart realm, and somehow that part radiates and works in ways I’m not seeing, but that I can still feel.