If only I’d been an alcoholic, I would’ve had so many options of meetings to attend when I was looking for groups. It still blows my mind to think that all that time there were meetings happening every day, multiple times a day, all around Springfield. At one point you could have your choice of over a 100 meetings a week that were offered. All that was needed to attend was a desire to stop drinking.

He never relapsed. That has to be hard when you’re surrounded by people who can’t even get through a week or a day. Or get through for months and then give up or give in. One time he told me and whoever else was in there that all it takes is one pretty waitress batting her eyes and all of a sudden they’re getting married and having kids and all she was doing was just doing her job.

So I know men experience these kinds of things too. I think what I miss most is his gaze. There was something so soft and lingering about it that I would notice when he would not look at me and I eventually wondered if it was because he was trying to avoid the at least five day involuntary internal memory and disruption. There a difference between being deliberate and being intentional which I never did.