This morning after breakfast we went down to the beach. We thought we’d go for a walk but didn’t know which direction to go. The day before we’d gone right so this time we went left. There was a giant pier in the distance and we thought we could walk to it. It was about 9:28 when we started. Along the way we saw starfish and stranded jellyfish. I told Elianna about the starfish story where the little boy starts throwing them back.

People think he’s nuts because there are way starfish than he is able to save. But he holds up the starfish and says something like, “But for this one I was able to make a difference.” She’d never heard that story before, and neither had she seen an actual starfish “in the wild”. I don’t remember how long it took us, but it was at least three miles down to the pier.

In order to walk the whole thing you had to pay $6. I didn’t have any money on me and only had my phone. The lady at the counter said that I could use apple pay. I didn’t know how to do that and she briefly walked me through it. So then we texted Dad and asked if he could send us the debit card number with the expiration date and security code. He said to give him two minutes. We said that we wanted to walk out on this pier.

So he sent it and I set up my apple pay. I said to Elianna, “Do you even know what this means??” It seemed wild that all of a sudden all I had to do was touch my phone to a pay thing and that it counted as money. I sent Dad a text with double exclamation points and a smiley emoji with hearts that said, “Thank you!!” He said with a single exclamation to have fun.

We walked to the edge of the pier and then eventually turned back. We asked a lady to take a picture so we didn’t bother the fisherman. They thankfully had a bathroom which is what I was hoping they’d have. We made the journey back in I don’t know how much time. I hadn’t walked that far since the day we climbed our mountain. I had my sweater on my head to protect my head from the sun. We carried our sandals and walked along.

“With Freudian analysis melancholy was considered a state in which the suffering subject falls in love with his own pain, holding on to it as a substitute for love.”
~Julian de Medeiros, Substack post~

They say the person you think of when you look out at the ocean is the person you’re in love with. I was telling this to my daughter as we walked along the shore. “Really. Interesting”, she said, then followed it up with, “You thinking about Dad?” Actually I was, very happy with this realization. “Yeah”, I said, “I was thinking about the trip we took down here once.” I was looking to see if I could recognize any of the places we’d been.

“I guess that means we’re in love”, my heart lifted and bright, and the words spoken almost to the point where it could’ve been an exclamation. “Woo!”, she said, and I smiled at her exclaimed response. “Well”, she went on, “That you’re in love with him at least.” Dang, girl. I don’t think she meant anything by it. “Right…”, I said, still walking.

The day was not going well and we could not move past this. “Dad”, I said, and all the things going on while also trying to be discreet. “I just don’t know why this particular thing, this pain, keeps coming back when I have asked God to heal it, to take it away…” “No.” What? “There is no asking God to take it away”. I was shocked. I thought he’d be proud of me for saying that. “You strap it to a rocket, blast it into space. You let it go.”

Elianna and I made it to Gulf Shores. We left at 4:15 and arrived a little after 6PM. The first six hours of the trip flew by which is a benefit of leaving early and getting driving hours while it’s dark. We stopped at some terrible gas station with no coffee and dirty bathrooms and that’s when things started to becoming rougher between us.

I’m realizing you can think that you are basically healed and then wake up to realize there is still a lot down there. I can feel like I’m surrendered and seeking God for fulfillment and then all of a sudden be wondering why it still seems to me even now that God is not enough and that I actually still crave and desire things from people.

But all of that is about me and I am not the only person who exists in the world or who hurts. That helps for a little while to take my eyes off myself. I’m still asking God, in the exact same place it seems, to heal and take away this pain. In the meantime I’m going to try my best to have fun and be grateful for the time that we get to have here.

Group went well again this morning. I found out today that they used to have group there four mornings a week as an official outpatient program like the one where I did my practicum. But after covid it kind of died and was never the same. There was a woman there today who was about to celebrate her 1-year anniversary of sobriety.

Elianna and I are getting ready to go on a trip to Gulf Shores. We’re supposed to leave around 4 in the morning and get in before sunset. It took a while to decide whether to fly or drive. Ultimately I didn’t want to have to mess with getting plane tickets and then renting a car. It seemed easier to just to drive and only have to rent the place to stay.

The kids have had a good spring break. Lots of wedding plans have been worked on and Laura received her engagement pictures back from the lady today. We looked through them all and they are all very nice. She was over for most of the day but Ethan has another friend over tonight. I’m diffusing orange essential oil so hopefully that helps.

“…but on the other hand, a better hope is introduced, through which we draw near to God.”
~Hebrews 7:19~

“Dear God, help me to to be satisfied”, I prayed in the morning. Last night while I was sitting in church my mind started wandering to all the wrong places. Must be nice to have a stroke and get a free pass out of Lent (God, I’m sorry). They were going to need help once he was out of the hospital. Someone to sit with him when his wife wasn’t there. Meals would also be nice.

God, please, this is not me asking for some divine retribution in order to purge me of sin and humble me with your tragedies. I don’t need to be blown away as your people show up magnificently in the face of the heartbreak. But can I just say that it hurt that I was alone for so much, that no one really knew the true depth and the pain I had.

Was I on the prayer list at all? Not that I saw. But was there that lady who texted me almost every single day? Was there that one who brought over five meals early on? Was there the collection of cards from the women’s group after I’d not been in church for several months? I texted the food lady this morning and thanked her. It was a sign to me that yes, someone did really care.

I’m trying to think if there are any exceptions, but besides certain people in my immediate family, anyone I have ever even attempted to let into the darkness of my mind and certain painful experiences has either not understood or ended up distancing themselves in some way. Even if they helped me, the relationship was changed.

But not always for the worst. No, I don’t want a stroke, I want a cleansing of the mind, a divine reworking so that, frankly, I do not become pissed when I remember the past. I want the church to be healing place that people recommend to others, and if at all possible, I want to be a person who helps to make it that way. The satisfaction is in the Savior who took away all our sins.

Today in group we watched this video of an alcoholic man in end-stage addiction. They built it up to the point where he made the choice to go to rehab after a medical evaluation revealed his internal organs were already in shut down. His name was Ryan and he had a mother, ex-girlfriend, grandfather, and brother who all cared about him.

He ended up dying. I didn’t think that would happen. His mother had talked about his smile and how he had a beautiful smile and how she couldn’t wait to have him back. I was thinking, “Oh wow. This is going to be great when he goes to rehab, gets better, and we get to see his sober smile.” The supervisor said interns don’t usually like that one.

I wanted to cry but there was nowhere to do so. We went back upstairs and the four of us processed and asked our questions for not quite an hour. I’m getting used to having the other students there and like them. It was awkward when he told them to email with their availability in order to meet and go over a video of their individual sessions.

They each have two now and I have one, a guy who first started today. I have yet to have just a normal time. The initial session is supposed to last for two hours but he said when he got there that he only had 45 minutes today. So I didn’t even end up doing the assessment part. I thought it was more important to let him talk than get that done.

So I didn’t try to do it. When he started telling me his problems I was like YES in my head. Like I was so excited to be able to deal with them. That probably sounds completely weird. But there were also those nagging fears involved like, “What if he decides he doesn’t want to come back?” We have to wait two weeks for the next time.

It just seems like so long. He can only meet on Wednesdays and the next Wednesday I was busy. We were standing at the desk with the secretary and the supervisor asked how it went. I was still processing and in the moment said, “I think okay??” He’s got us trained to talk to him after group but that’s not how it works with individual sessions.

Like you just kind of have to chart and keep going. So that doesn’t feel right but I shut my computer and sadly walked out the door. I wanted to be there longer but had nothing productive left to do. In church tonight I kept thinking about Ryan and the video and wanted to cry again but couldn’t there. Instead I just stayed for the whole service.

My new summer project is going to be getting the downstairs ready to be a bridal suite for the girls. With the CGC booked, and the guys and girls both needing a place to get ready, I’d already been thinking about how this might work. It came up again during our birthday supper and dessert. And I became even more excited when I realized this could be the catalyst I needed to finally be able to get some new carpet down there.

The boys said we’re going to need a lot of Febreeze. I don’t think we will if we clean it up really nice, and like I said, the carpet will help. Ethan asked what was going to happen to his room. Considering he barely ever used it, and that the only practical purpose it serves is to store a wall half stacked with stuff, I said he was going to take his stuff when he moved. I don’t really have a set vision for the room.

Josh and I already talked about making Elianna’s room a guest room. We’re going to have more guest room and space than we know what to do with. I haven’t really thought about the truths of her leaving. When the boys and I were out for a walk with Zorro this morning I said we were probably going to end up dog sitting a lot. If she’s going to be in school while also working, somebody is going to have to help watch him.

Laura looked so pretty tonight for their pictures. Bless her heart. Something about her white dress and her hair and the effort she put into finding someone to take pictures. It just makes me want to cry for some reason. Girls put so much of their heart into these things. She truly is such a sweet and beautiful person and I don’t know why I’m worrying so much instead of radically thanking God for this gift.

I’ve told my brother before that he should come live with us. Save some money. Finish school. They have a Target down here that he could transfer his job to. I remember feeling proud of myself when I would stock up on diapers. Something about bringing two boxes up to the counter then unpacking them into their spots in the changing area gave me a feeling of gratitude and security for having been given such a wonderful life.

It’s funny how you can get to the end of the day and not even remember what it is that happened. I was up. The big kids went to school. Dad had to go somewhere. I read on the couch for a while in my pajamas drinking coffee. The boys slept in until a little later than usual. Usually when they get up they get some breakfast then play with the dog.

We did our Bible lesson again and then I worked on cleaning my room. I had to put away some clothes and hang up the new one I’d bought. Everyone took care of their own breakfast but I made some kind of enchilada tator tot dish for the boys to have for a real lunch. We took the dog for a walk and Ethan did his speed workout on the hills.

After lunch I said, boys, I need to take a short nap now. If I really want to make sure I will sleep I put on a podcast that I have no interest in listening to. It works just about every time I would say. I read again then fell asleep. I woke to Josh calling and wondering if there was anything else he should pick up for the birthday dinner meal.

He listed off the things and I couldn’t think of anything else. I looked at the podcast time stamp and it’d been playing for 18 minutes. But that was enough to revive me and take away the sleep from my eyes. So I got up and told the boys it was time to turn off their game soon. I tried out some of my clothes and wrapped the presents for the evening.

While I was wrapping I decided I wasn’t going to go into Contact. There was too much going on in the evening and everything would be easier if I didn’t try to go. Alexis said she wasn’t going in either. She just moved to a new apartment and wanted to get things settled in. I texted my mother-in-law also to see if she wanted to come over tonight.

Ethan and Laura had their engagement photos this evening at camp. She came over about two hours early right as I was about to go to County Market to get chicken. Dad hadn’t got any because he thought we would use the rotisserie chicken from the fridge. I told him I had used that for lunch. I bought a few other things for snacks and meals.

We had a nice time around the table for supper. The pictures got over around 7 which is about when we started eating. We started a new tradition where we go around and say something we appreciate about the birthday person. I appreciated how everyone appreciated people. We tried on Zorro’s collar and it looks really nice on him. She held up the smaller one and we couldn’t believe how little he was before.

Our school is on spring break this week. We can still be at our sites getting hours but there are no classes. If you can even believe this, I still need to turn in my social justice project proposal. It was my plan to get it finished over break and to work ahead on the power point and cultural identity scrapbook assignment that is due at the end of the month. I decided I’m doing my advocacy project and presentation on homelessness.

Today was technically my most free day. The boys did school in the morning and I read their Bible lesson to them. The other day Ethan said something jokingly to one of those boys saying, “I’m going to need to talk to your math teacher.” He replied, “I am my math teacher”, and it kind of made me sad, wondering what it would’ve been like if we had kept with the Algebra lessons together.

I made the boys eggs and heated up rice. Ethan had to run four miles and then Dad gave him a haircut in preparation for their official engagement pictures. Laura and her mom have already been shopping and filled two carts full of flowers and decorations at JoAnn fabrics. She was buying things to decorate the cross and the outdoor chapel. The colors are going to be shades of pink and coral. They’re storing it all in their basement.

They met each other for lunch and then looked around at wedding bands. Laura’s ring is just a tad too big so they stopped by the place where it was originally purchased and found out they she can get it resized for free. They didn’t buy anything yet. I told him that we can give him money to put toward her wedding ring so he’s going to think about it. He paid for the engagement ring himself.

I left before lunch to shop for Elianna’s birthday. She wanted a bigger dog collar and a dog tag that was etched with Zorro’s name. So I found that and a few other things. While walking through the checkout aisle they had a display of coffee mugs. I looked until I found a pretty spring one that I liked. I looked for jeans and tops as it’s time again to have something a little different to wear. I found a few things that can work for now.

Our pastor had a hemorrhagic stroke while we were gone over the weekend. It was like ten o’clock and his wife called Josh asking if he could come to the hospital. We were still up in Wisconsin so he texted her a bunch of numbers of other pastors in the area. I guess she’d found a replacement for the next day’s Sunday service. He was in the ICU with a feeding tube but thankfully was okay.

So Josh is picking up his Wednesday Lenten services, most of the Sunday services, and Holy Week through Easter. I think they will probably end up ditching the Saturday vigil. Laura was over this afternoon when they came back from shopping. I didn’t know she was coming over so there was some spontaneous cleaning that needed to happen. I took a nap and made supper then left them after the prayer to go into work from 7-11.

I feel like I’m currently back in a “life sucks and is hard” mindset. Yesterday we had the memorial service for my grandma. We left around 7 for the three hour trip north. It was nice to have the kids home and able to come. Zorro came with for his first bigger trip since the time he was picked up. I don’t have much to compare it to be to me he seems like a good dog and that he was really enjoying the ride and different activities.

I sometimes find it painful still to be around my family. As much as I love when we get together, I feel like we’re reaching this different state where the individual families are becoming more solid and set in their ways. I don’t mean stubborn. I mean set in the ways and paths that God has for them and those paths are crossing now less and less. My parents are the set of grandparents now but we will be there before too long.

Or could be anyways. And there are still those insecurities that arise from old wounds from the past that are still filling in. In group it is talked about this way: you could’ve been loved and cared for, AND there were likely still ways that your primary caregivers could not show up and meet needs, sometimes deep ones. It seems to happen this way with spouses as well, where you are loved still and yet some terrible hole remains.

They swear that this is the way that it is. I think I would almost believe it. Admittedly I doubt when I read posts from this younger millennial woman in her early to mid 30’s. She divorced her husband last spring after years of being unhappy. She’s now dating a firefighter and keeps posting things about how happy she is with her new guy, that it really was just a matter of finding someone more compatible who truly adores you.

This isn’t even about my family or my marriage or whatever else to which we pin our longings and desires. I tried to say this a few weeks ago but it was too much to go into. But we were talking in group about the egoic mind. The lower self takes its wants and attaches them to lower people, places, and things. Those desires can lead to more pain when we keep seeking after the same things that do not satisfy because they can’t.