“If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another…”
~Galatians 5:25-26~

One of my favorite proverbs when I was little was Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” I love the proverbs because they’re so relatable to my life, like someone literally has handed me a guidebook. I see myself in them and see others and also see how I am supposed to be with them and not be. I have neglected the study of God’s words, relying more on worldly advice.

We drive to church in good spirits, the kids in the back of the car minus one. It’s Rally Day for the Sunday School. An announcement is made about trying to get families together for the fall festival again. And then another is made about the survey in the bulletin. Where would you like to serve? Where would you like to be plugged in? I woke up with different things on my mind: how to no longer experience these debilitating setbacks because of this reason. If we could only get this down, but how? I cannot remove myself from this equation. I cannot walk like this alone.

The Galatians verse stands out during church. There’s no need for blame when we’re walking like this, no “if only you wouldn’t or if only you would…”, instead, there’s only “Let us not become conceited, provoking one another”. He takes the fight work out of trying to figure out whose sin comes first, whose fault holds us back, and he shows us where to walk, in step, how to say to one another eye to eye, “let us live…”

Dad went shopping earlier in the week for everyone’s presents. He wanted to get us gifts for his birthday again. I can hardly type it without, it’s not crying, that’s not the word. He asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said some clear nail polish with the French tip white polish to go with it. And maybe a bracelet or something to decorate my arm. I’ve noticed more how women do their nails and wear jewelry like bracelets.

So that’s what he got me. For the younger boys he had them pick out materials for various projects they wanted to work on. Elianna’s running watch had recently quit working so he bought her a new one. Ethan is hoping to get a bike for his birthday, so Dad bought him a thing to lock up a bike on a bike rack. I made him one of his liked desserts and there are certain things that always count, but I didn’t have any gifts.

For supper we met up with his mom. We went to a place called Dublin Pub. All the dirt is leveled out around the house now and recently the landscaping guys planted grass. Earlier in the morning was a meet in Williamsville. Elianna wasn’t feeling great but still ran with the girls. Miles had a game in Kansas that we could watch. He said he was going to try and score my husband a goal for his birthday. He didn’t but they won.

The Concordia team had their Augustana Twilight Invitational again at Yankton Park Trail in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I’d been planning for months to go, so much did I enjoy the trip to see this meet last year. But I ended up needing to cut out a trip. I completely would’ve gone if I’d had the energy but at the beginning of this week I could tell I still wouldn’t. I am planning on going out for another meet in two weeks, and then another next month. My sisters and I are also planning a trip to New York in October.

I wished I could be there but I’m glad I didn’t go. It was enough for me to be there in spirit even though I’m not sure such said spirit matters much to anyone else. I don’t mean that to sound gloomy it’s just the hard facts that my kids don’t have that same sentimentality when it comes to my memories and wishes and desires to be with them. What feels big to me is often just a small thing for them and vise versa. I wasn’t even going to watch the stream site because it gives me such anxiety to do so.

But I changed my mind and did watch. I can’t help it, it’s like when I know the race is happening that’s just where my head is. He ran nearly two minutes faster than last year’s time at this meet. All the others have moved up as well, so his placing is still give or take the same which is fine. These are the kind of times I was expecting to see last year and I still don’t totally get what the deal was there. He’s still having the breathing issues while running that weren’t there when he was running in the summer.

He went to the doctor and they gave him an inhaler. It’s only been a couple of days so it’s still to be seen as to whether or not it’s going to help. The coach does not seem particularly concerned about it, with his thoughts being that it’s likely either the lingering effects of a past respiratory virus, or a form of exercise-induced asthma. If it is asthma, and the asthma is exercise-induced, then in my head it would make sense that one should take a break from the exercise that is potentially causing the problems.

But it’s not my body. It’s not my running. I probably bugged him about it too much for a couple of days and asked too many questions before I finally hit my “letting go” wall again where I just had to let it go for my own peace and sanity and because there’s actually nothing more I can do. I’m turning into one of those praying women. And obviously I want him to tell me these things so I have to make sure I’m not making that too much of an unpleasant experience. Or something like that, who knows.

The boys and I went swimming before I had to go to class. Dad was somewhere–where was it? I believe he was picking up our son. There are various places he gets picked up from depending on the location of Elianna’s cross country practice. The arrangement now is that when he gets picked up he has to drive home. This is how he’s going to continue getting driving practice and working up to his required amount of hours.

I had these grand plans of starting in September again with a routine but this latest fog and round of sickness has thrown things off. Since the day we drove home from last month’s vacation my steps have been barely crossing over a mile and my productivity at home has been very low. I did take some time to clear the kitchen counter off in the afternoon, also before going to class. Everyone’s things went to the dining room table.

They were sorted into everyone’s normal place settings. From there people were supposed to put things away and when I came home from class I could see that they did. I made a sign to place on the cupboard, above the counter space where I had cleaned. The sign says, “Please do not store things on this counter. Thank you.” I really like it. I went in early to get some IT help. Class was done early so I went home after that.

I had my internship again and got three more hours. I’m feeling slightly concerned about the way this is going. They have this case worker there who is an undergraduate intern and is paid in a full-time position. While at our meeting yesterday, as each of the women came in for their turn, she sat next to each of them and announced all the things she’d taken care of with their case. She gets them signed up for TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families), gets doctors appointments scheduled, arranges transportation for whatever things, etc. I was actually very impressed.

But I felt very unneeded and like I wasn’t contributing. It’s been difficult getting a clear picture of what my role is in this facility and what it is I’m actually going to be doing. The two personal meetings we had were either cancelled or rushed for this or that reason. The supervisor is a little distracted with a full-time job in the public schools and then this as her thing she does in the evening. It’s fine because I’m distracted too, and that’s part about what I think I like about being here, that this is not like other places I’ve heard of where I am required to be making and keeping appointments.

When I clarified that she said, “Oh no no no no no no no.” It’s more like when I am here then they will find some people for me to talk to. It sounds like it’s mostly going to be the kids, which I’m fine with, and a lot of the moms are also getting counseling through public services as arranged by the case worker. These systems, I can hardly believe how taxed they are. There’s a playroom upstairs which seems like the best place to meet with the kids. They’ve mentioned doing groups about respect and personal boundaries and normal kid things. I wish I could tutor more, it seems like they need it.

I had the first class meeting last week, which counts as group supervision. My tolerance for sitting in class has really shrunk as of late. I am still getting emails about tetanus immunizations needing to be within the past 10 years and Sexual Harassment yearly campus education requirements with logins. I honestly cannot believe all the hoops and I truly pray (or will now) that it wasn’t foolish to come here. We had to go around and introduce ourselves and say which concentration track we had chosen. They have Clinical Mental Health, Marriage, Couples, & Family, and School Counseling.

I chose Clinical Mental Health because that is the one where my previous Spirituality elective would count. There was a woman there who was on her seventh semester of internship and had 80 hours left. She was hoping to finish in the spring. I was kind of shocked to hear that but also I admit it made me feel better. It was in that moment that I also switched over into what I’ve named the “it’s fine” track. I know I keep saying that but I think I do mean it. People take on second sites and take breaks in the program and everyone has their own way of doing things to get in their required hours.

The kids had a meet in Jacksonville. Elianna was the only one of our kids running. My son liked track but he wasn’t up for cross country. Honestly I don’t blame him. I feel like three miles is too long of a distance to run unless you’re really wanting to do it. This course is a tenth of a mile shorter, so 2.9. I don’t know why some of these courses are like this. It wouldn’t be that hard to add the extra .1 to round it out.

I love cross country meets. For whatever reason they never get old. They had a lot more schools there this time and a ton more cars and filled up parking spots in the grass. It was never like that before. The lead runners for both the boys and the girls were both way out in front of everyone else. It fills me with so much awe. He was coming in to finish while much of the pack was still coming up for their final mile and thus was running through the pack to lap them.

I don’t know what the purpose of having the gift of running is. One of the boys was with me and I told him that it is amazing seeing the different gifts God has given people. He asked if the point of having running or sports gifts was basically just to show them off. Like was that part of the reason of why people started getting together to play sports? I honestly didn’t know. We walked and talked and saw Sycamore trees.

I got a call this afternoon from the woman and friend I’d spent those few nights with. She had a miracle to report. She’d slept through the night and was having no pain. This whole thing, it turns out and confirmed by an x-ray, had been due to a slipped disk which likely happened during surgery. Apparently this is something that happens and just as disks can slip out when the body is stretched in unusual positions, these disks in time can also end up back where they belong.

So we praised the Lord for that. When you have felt bad for so long, to feel good again is truly a miracle. This fever still lingers but it’s not as bad as it was a day ago. The kids had the day off school and spent much of it tinkering around doing kid things. There was time spent cleaning up. I went to my room and worked on my side of the closet. Dad took all four kids to the bike trail where one ran and the other went to the Sangamon River. He’s got it too but not as bad.

I don’t know what was going on with me yesterday. I was kind of embarrassed after I wrote that but couldn’t delete before it’d been seen. Too many things I felt needed more explanation. Like when I say that the recollection gives me hope I mean that I remember previous stages of motherhood/married life when other temptations were also very strong. These temptations, if that’s what in fact they are, lasted for years just living freely and rudely in my mind. But they passed.

So the recollection of the temporary nature of the affliction is what gives me hope, in that if that one passes, then this one will too. I can say with memory and confidence that I’ve been freed from prolonged and inner agonies before. So whatever the current thing is that has me convinced that this is the answer, but that also isn’t lining up with my truest wishes and values, that is the thing to pray against and cry out to God for, though it doesn’t always have to be that extreme.

And the fun, I’m not sure what all that was about. I know sometimes moms can feel like the cares of the world weighed them down. They lost their fun side. Their relationships suffer. Marriages too must also struggle. The sinful flesh is always seeking to be gratified. It’s the part of us that is greedy and also easily offended. It’s the part that wants to be the idol, and thus by definition can never satisfied. I am glad I didn’t listen before and someday so with this. How I pray this is true.

A woman texted this morning. She was coming out to camp. Could she have ten minute of my time? There were other things she said, including an apology for being so selfish. She felt an urging from God that I was struggling too. I didn’t know what to say to that. I wasn’t about to unload all my deepest darkest thoughts in an instant, though I did consider it. I told her I forgave her, that I didn’t think she’d been selfish, but if she felt convicted in that way then I did forgive her. We couldn’t meet today though.

I was sick today. Before I’d had time to do much thinking or journaling, before I’d thought that I can talk too much and sometimes need to lie still in the quiet and let God speak to me. Not to process, not to call someone. To wait on God and be still in his presence. But before I’d even thought any of that, I wondered if this wasn’t just a terrible, oppressive temptation. This re-occurring and ever present convincing that there will be only be healing when I’m apart from all this. This church. This house.

Have a I languished for years in unmet needs? It sure seems to me so. What other explanation could answer me fully? It feels so reasonable. Move out, set up a place, control your surroundings with the number of items and placements of all of them. Then peace will come. I will dedicate myself to a life of chastity and mercy work, free from the injuries, the burdens, the languishing. My desires have changed and weren’t always so holy. This recollection gives me hope. I pray against it. Grant me clarity.

The fun, anymore, is not enough for me now. Fun was in the wave pool, laughing as we made our way toward the wall, telling my stories about a book I’d just read. And then backing off and then asking her questions, holding on to each other’s tubes, all of us together in the bobbing water. I have filled my mind with so much trash. Tactics that did not play out in real life, these ways to earn love, respect, admiration. Did it work? Was it worth it? No and no. Rather, a woman who fears the Lord. A gentle and quiet spirt.

These are the things God’s word extols. Why was I wrapped up in anything else? I want to be at peace and content in my surroundings without giving up the continued work to improve them. Perhaps in this my eyes will be opened to more, to what has been there all along however faint or obscured or in the worst instances blocked. The boys are feeling better and spent the day down at camp, though one did stay with me here in the morning hours. Dad left later to get me some Sprite. I slept for much of the day.

This months sure feels like it has taken a long time. Beginning with visiting my sister-in-law at their new house to spending part of the day with them this afternoon at the waterpark, I feel like much has gone on in-between. And even then it’s not over. Elianna’s first meet is tonight in Clinton. The younger boys and I are fighting off some kind of sickness. One was well enough to go but one is home with me.

It was only me at the park. The others went last week when I was again too tired to go and interested in regaining and preserving my energy. We did the hill slides, the wave pool, and the lazy river before I needed to leave to be back in time to leave here. I came home and my son was still sleeping on the couch, red faced and warm. I’d had fun at the park but soon felt the fever, aches, and chills catching up with me too.

I’m at that point where I can do things if I have to even if I’m not feeling great. I still don’t even know what this is. It’s a weakness, an impairment, that I have to be mindful of mostly each day. Part of what was so upsetting to me with my come-to-Jesus moments with the overnights is that I felt like I’d been completely knocked back in terms of progress in physical wellness. I look normal now but I am not.

And it’s hard because it’s not something I really talk about with hardly anyone. There’s no name to describe it, the story is far too personal to even mildly tell it in a way that would probably help to give context and a far more clear explanation. So I just keep hobbling, twitching and retreating to my bed and my home away from more human eyes. And my kids, this is life now. I missed this same meet two years ago.

I broke down on the couch, across from the sick one, so kind and polite. He reminded me of his older brother at this age, the same qualities, the same tone. Time isn’t a thief, but it’s continuing to move and to move us, stopping only for the Lord when he descends from his heavenly throne-room. Tomorrow is the chicken fry and dad keeps going, somehow always. I say if only he’d be weak, then I could be strong for you…

~~~

A woman texts me in the morning. We need to get together–2022 is when we took our last picture. And for once in my life I can’t keep up. These people. These precious, wonderful people. Before that, the daughter-in-law I’ve never once met in person, and only talked to on the phone. She’s officially inviting herself over to this wonderful camp she is hearing of. And in all sincerity I play along. She can visit. We can paddleboard.

Some old, some new. People in my life that I’m sure God has placed there. But suddenly I’m angered. Why is it always one-on-one, with no greater context to connect us to anything? I need groups, I need more, I need something bigger. My sister-in-law mentions the small groups at their church. I recently tell a pastor’s wife, two as I think of it, that I am this close to leaving the LCMS to find a church with more passion and joy.

Is it me? Is it me? They assure me it’s not. And then I hear of more, of the burdens and trials, and I think, you know? We truly are all poor miserable sinners. And you are sobered into remembering the daily blessings of life, of house and home, spouse and wilderness. And then another–will I be there tomorrow? I do not know. For me and sons she directs the Psalm–“Magnify the Lord with me, let us exalt his name together!”

The boys had quizzes in their books today. It works out so that every five days they have quizzes, except for the third week and then there’s a test. After that they move on to the next booklet. Three of the subjects they do on their on at their grade level: Math, Language Arts, and Reading. The other three subjects they do the same level together: Bible, Social Studies, and Science. I’ve been reading the SS, Science, and Math so far.

The big kids seem to be liking their school. Elianna has been kind of over school since sophomore year. The veterinarian route is too much school so she doesn’t want to do that. There are veterinary techs and veterinary assistants. I can’t remember the difference now but one is a shorter program and the other is longer. One of them you can do at the local community college and the other is only offered at certain schools.

I haven’t thought much of Ethan. We’ve texted briefly here and there. Today he let me know that he felt his running was getting worse again. He can’t catch a full breath when he runs anymore. Coach is stumped and I am too. In the summer he’d been doing so well, shaving off time and seeing and feeling improvements. He says he’s sleeping and eating well. Coach wonders if maybe the airways in his lungs are inflamed somehow.

Does he think he needs time off? Does he think he needs to quit? He’s not fatigued or he’d be more inclined to take some time off. He doesn’t want to quit, he still wants to run. I don’t know, maybe it’s your diaphragm, I said. I can’t think of anything else that would be causing the difference since going to school. Stress? Pressure? I sent him some YouTube videos of guys doing exercises. They get their physicals every summer.

Sigh. I’m not saying coach’s thought is wrong, and if I think he’d agree I’d say just come home and school’s no big deal and we’ll take you to the doctor to start ruling things out. I’m just trying to start with the least invasive and go from there. Is this different from the way you were feeling sometimes during the running last year? Yes this is different. Dad’s car broke down at the district office, so I went and picked him up from there.