I ran into Casper on the way back from main camp. He loves when the kids are here, but even he needs his alone time. The boy cats have all gotten skinner this summer. I think it’s because they’re outside more and go for longer walks in the woods. He was sitting next to a small hole in the ground, seeming like he was waiting there for something to come out. I wasn’t interested in whatever it was. I pet him and kept on.

One of the biggest shocks of early motherhood is how invisible it felt. Like how could so much be happening, so much growth and work and pain and truly beautiful moments, but there was no one was here to see it? I was the witness to all that was happening, and it felt in some way like a sacred duty, a calling, to pay attention through all of it. I have done what I can. The call anymore is different, but I do not know what it is.

But if that stage was invisible, this one feels even more so, thought it doesn’t seem like quite the outrage. It simply is. When I used to look ahead to the moms who are where I am now, there was nothing special about them. They were moms. Before you at least had the visual impact of showing up with your kid crew. They couldn’t miss it. And you felt the burden of little people taking so much space with their needs. Those carseats…

Celebrity women talk about how irrelevant they become once they hit a certain age. Those who have found their value in regularly attracting the male gaze (no judgement) can understandably find it disconcerting when the heads slow in turning. It’s the same thing here. Youth has its value, makes an unforgettable impact, but then what? Erikson in his developmental life stages identifies this point of life as generativity vs. stagnation.

So it’s not the invisibility that’s got me now, it’s the uncertainty of pushing through this discomfort. The discomfort of daring to hope there is more, that life can be fulfilling even without what I’ve known. Aging is a gift and I will always believe that, even when you see the pains too that it brings. But this isn’t really about the loss of looks or life stages. It’s about continuing on in service to God as a new creation, wherever he calls.

The colors were exceptionally pretty this evening. My sister was here dropping off her girls for camp. My cousin’s wife and one of their daughters are visiting also. My youngest sister also was along for the ride which I wasn’t expecting. We went for a walk to stretch their legs before they had to head back north until it’s time to return to pick up the kids. We walked down to trading post and they said bye again to the girls.

Elianna and I attended a bridal shower after church. She had to run home first and get paintbrushes for when she was going over to do a project with Miles. While she was doing that I stopped by County Market for a card. There was an older man from church ahead of me in the line. He had a few things in his cart including a bouquet of yellow flowers. After saying hello I wondered out loud to him, “What are the flowers for???”

He said they were for his wife, and that he visits every week. She died during covid. He didn’t say how long he’d been doing this, but it somehow made me happy, was comforting even, that he was honoring the woman he had loved for so long. I was afraid at first that he’d gotten remarried, not that it’s any of my business to judge. This afternoon the boys helped me clean up the dining room. It gets cluttered sometimes.

The kids went out to help Dad with the mowing. Grandma’s tractor has been in the shop so they hadn’t been out there to mow in a while. I was going to be working on a paper but work texted saying that one of the nurses had called off. I still needed a weekend shift this month so I said I’d go in. And yes you do want to help out when you can. It’s a very busy wing and there’s always something going on but I do still like it.

After getting home we went for a ride around the property. It’d been a little while since I’d been that far on the grounds. We zoomed around through the woods and along the river. I know the names the names of points, like “high point” and “John’s spot”, but I still wouldn’t know how to walk from here to there. I’m sure I could eventually find them, but I don’t go out to the “back 40” often. I stay on the side closest to main camp.

I checked in the shift notes to see what had happened with the lady I mentioned. It said she “expired” on Wednesday a little after five. Her son had come in to sit with her which made me happy. This time there was a resident who was very exhausted and wanted to just give up and die. A supervisor was there so I asked her about it after the family was asking me questions. Later he perked back up and ate his supper.

Today I entertained some guests. Laura’s mom and Matt’s mom came to camp for an afternoon visit. We’ve had this planned for a couple of weeks because it took that long to find a date that worked for all of us. They brought their swim clothes and we spent a significant amount of time at the beach. Laura’s mom was there first and was able to come out earlier than Matt’s mom. So the two of us went out on the paddleboard.

When everyone was there we swam the lake. One of the former camp counselors who used to work at camp during our first several years here was also visiting for the week. She showed up one day when I was on my way back from taking something to the dumpster. This is how it works, people sometimes just show up. I didn’t have anything going on that morning so we visited for a while and she caught me up on the things.

We used to swim the lake together. She did it more with one of the other counselors at the time, but I had just been thinking of our swims when I was at the lake on Saturday. She wanted to swim this afternoon but I told her some women were coming today. We could maybe all do it together. I checked with the other moms to see if that would seem like something they’d want to do. They seemed up for that and even eager to try.

So I made sure everyone understood that this was not intended to be a strenuous or high-pressure swim. It was meant to be leisurely and everyone would take along a floatation device. You can’t take people’s health and physical abilities for granted. You have to be mindful of who can and who cannot walk down a hill without hurting their knees. Even with the age gaps we had much to talk about in a small Lutheran world.

It was fun. When we returned we sat on the dock and watched a cabin do a canoe race and then a swim one. Elianna came down and I asked if she had to lifeguard. She said no she was just coming down to sit with me. I expressed somehow that it made me happy. She sat with us too and Laura’s mom passed out cookies. After a while we decided we should head back up and get ready for supper. We ate in the dining hall.

I like when parents can come and see their kids in their various elements. One’s coaching and love for athletics was coming out at the beach. Laura’s cabin was trotting for supper so she was in charge of dismissing the tables, leading the song prayers, and distributing mail. Her mom took several pictures from the table. Later on a walk Matt was leading a session of fishing. When he does it nearly everyone always catches a fish.

Today started off as a very weird day. I went into work and people looked at me saying, “Why are you here???” I was like, “Am I not on the schedule??” There was already another nurse there getting report from the night shift. During the summer I’ve been going in for every other Wednesday as part of the coverage for a nurse on maternity leave. I thought it went through July, but it wasn’t on there. When they looked up the schedule on their app and computer it was the other nurse.

I was kind of relieved thinking, “Yay, no problem. I’ll just go home.” But the day nurse, who I’d never met, said “Well is there any way you can work until 9?” It was the fifth anniversary of her husband’s death and a Catholic church in town was having a special morning mass in his memory. Something like that. Monday was the first she’d heard about it and didn’t think she’d be able to get off work in order to go. I said I’d stay and she called her daughters and said she was able to come now.

The morning from that point on had me internally thrown off. I’d taken all this time to mentally prepare, had gotten up early, and was ready to be there for the full eight hours. I hadn’t been back since that really bad shift and I was ready to just do better today and make a new memory. I started on the meds and took my time and double-checked. I still felt distracted. My phone was going off with messages from a child. There was an admission coming at eleven. A woman was nearing death.

Which I realized as soon as I went into room. Her regular meds had all been cancelled, and the only one left was scheduled morphine. I started at the med sheet for a long time before I signed out the dose. The MAR said it was scheduled, the bottle said the dose was .25. It’s clearly marked on the syringe. I took it into her and told her that I had her medicine. She said that I could give it, in more of a grunt rather than a coherent word. My heart broke. She’d been on hospice, but not like this.

I put my hand on her shoulder and asked if there was anything else I could do for her then. I couldn’t see how she would last the hour, certainly, certainly not the day. But I never did go back to check, or to say goodbye before I left. I thought about her on the way to the dining hall, and started to cry when I recalled the morning. I thought about her more, as we ate our hamburgers, fries, and applesauce. Another not normal day. I tried again to figure out the schedule app and gave up.

The camp kids spent much of the day in the rain. I came home from a homeschool conference around 3 and they were just beginning to come back from the beach. If it isn’t thundering they can technically swim. Before I left for class they were out in the athletic field, some playing a ball game and others playing in the yard drain. I came home from class and they were still outside, this time playing counselor safari.

I left class about an hour early. I basically just wanted to come back home. It’d been a longer day gone and I had a few things to tend to while my brain was still working. I felt a little bad leaving because you don’t want to leave a teacher feeling like his class is dispensable. I’m sure they put a lot of work into those things. But sometimes the self-care plan requires cutting something out. I’d been sitting too much and needed to walk.

This homeschooling conference was a low-key local meeting of moms and some dads. It is something the Classical Conversations leadership puts on every year. I’ve typically had mixed feelings about CC every since I became aware of it when I started homeschooling. It’s an absolutely, beautifully designed curriculum that I’m convinced was developed by a true genius and brainiac. Every subject goes above and beyond.

But there’s this part of me that also thinks, “Do we really need to learn all this?” Would I absolutely love to immerse myself in the material and spend the rest of my life learning the math map and studying the trivium and finding out and understanding what they mean when they link Astronomy (not Geometry) with the third dimension, also calling it the Human Space? This is thousand of years worth of study and knowledge condensed.

But why would we have to, and it is truly possible, to learn all of this? I don’t believe it is, not in the way that I would want to learn it. The access we have to materials now, even just a basic education, is so much more than so many others have ever had. I can be okay with not knowing, one subject alone and you could not plumb it’s depths. There isn’t the time here. But can I be in awe for the rest of my life? Can I simply praise?

“It is important to understand that to accomplish the task of trauma symptom reduction the client must be able to create a state of relaxation.”
~Trauma Practice: A Cognitive-Behavioral Somatic Therapy, Baranowsky & Gentry~

Today I had a visit with a potential internship site. Unless something changes, I can start there in August. The site is Contact Ministries in Springfield which is a faith-based organization that provides temporary housing for homeless women and children. They have an emergency shelter for short-term overnight care, as well as a longer term shelter where women stay for even as long as six months. I liked it there.

I’m kind of picky when it comes to finding a place. This is I think the fifth time since starting this program that I have gone to see about a potential clinical site. There are several things I’ve noticed that I pay attention to while doing this. Is it relatively close by to my area of residence? Do I like the drive? Do I feel a sense of physical safety while being there and while being in the general area of town? Do I like it here?

A positive for me was the flexibility in hours. Most of them would have to be done in the evening, with the clinical supervisor being there from 4-9 or 4-10. On weekends I could pick up shifts and get paid. It’s been told to me before and I’ve been in contact with the program advisor about it being possible to spread the internship out over a fall-spring-summer, or even a spring-summer-fall. They have an intern opening now.

So once again, I will pray about it more. They said prayer is something they regularly do with the women, be it in Bible studies led by area pastors, or private sessions, or group meetings if they make requests. They are open with the women about being a place with Christian values and ask for mutual respect for all views. They do not require workers to be Christian but it’s nice if they are. The main thing is loving God.

Tonight I have a Zoom call for a partner assignment. We have to make a video of us counseling each other by teaching a Safety and Stabilization skill. Mine is a 3-step somatic intervention with the goal of “creating a non-anxious presence”. This one has to do with breathing and relaxation of the pelvic floor which apparently is the balance and power point of the body. We need to talk about the breathing thing more.

A couple of years ago (2017) I read a line in a stay-at-home mom book that I found very inspiring. It was from the book Free to Stay at Home by Marilee Horton. She writes, “God has endued women with the physical strength and mental acumen to carry out a job that in the business world would require at least ten experts. To that He has added a double portion of emotional sensitivity to deal with the variety of emotional beings under her roof.”

God equips women for many vocations outside of home life. I know by now that there are many impressive and long laboring women throughout the world who never had the title of stay-at-home mom. Something about that quote felt very validating for me though in the role that I was in. I cannot tell you how much I’ve suffered, how much my flesh has had to die, in order to do a job or live a life without need of applause or mourning the lack of it.

The emotional sensitivity I can attest to, though it sometimes seem like my particular portion was quadrupled and then some. I’m not sure where I’m going with this other than to say that my emotions sure have given me one h^%% of a ride (I am speaking of former things). For whatever reason though home has been the place that I was led to and chose. It’s the place I keep choosing, and when I do I feel the heart of my heavenly home closest to me.

Tonight we met up with Josh’s mom and sister. She is supposed to report to work within the next week and are in the process of finalizing moving plans. My brother-in-law also found a job at one of the high schools. Normally he coaches football but he asked if he could have the fall season off. I’ve seen their new house and it’s very nice. We were talking about where everyone would sleep and that we’d have to have a sleepover.

One of the boys needed shoes. So after supper we went to Walmart. The kids found a couple of other fourth of July clearance things that Grandma bought them. Laura didn’t come with us this time because she was biking with her dad. Earlier in the lake she’d been talking about having a cramp in her leg. Someone asked me if I had bananas and I said that I might. During the cookout Elianna brought her an almost over ripe banana.

It was very fun hanging out. I love when I come away from social gatherings feeling fed. On the way home I texted one of the kitchen workers to ask him how his seats were. Earlier he’d called to say he had an extra ticket to see Journey and Def Leppard tonight at Busch stadium. For a very split second I got very excited, thinking he was asking if I wanted to go (I know, very sad). He was asking about one of the boys. I told him no.

With having company, the holiday, and a new camp coming in today my days are all mixed up. It’s Friday, I’ve established. It felt more like a Saturday with nothing to do at least for the first part of the day. Elianna left early to spend the free day with Miles. Ethan came in to tell me he was going out to breakfast with Laura. When the boys came upstairs I told them all to eat breakfast and I joined them at the dining room table.

I think I am slowly wrapping my head around these changes. It’s like I’ve stopped trying to fight it, but it’s more than that. I do still fight it, but I catch myself. It’s like you always knew that the days were fleeting, whether it was the strangers telling you to enjoy the moments, or the changing fade in a newborn face. But it wasn’t really registering, not in how it does now, that the everyday, the daily moments would come to an end.

This morning I cleaned out my homeschool corner in the living room. I think that means I’m making plans. I haven’t actually ordered anything. I have things I want to teach them. I have things that I would change. I have things that I can do now that I couldn’t do before be it due to numbers, limitations, or temperaments. The older ones had the given version of me for their time. The other ones get the present me for however long.