The boys and I went for a walk this morning. The past several days I have felt a little braver in terms of going further on the camp grounds. Walking on land with hills and grass is different than walking on the gravel camp road. The walk went well and I even left the top of the hill to get closer to the boys so I could take this picture. I’m telling you, these are the gorgeous moments of life that I live for, that keep me ever in love.
The big kids are keeping busy with high school. They leave about 7:20 in the morning and get home around 5:30 after cross-country practice. It feels completely normal now, and I am thankful for the ways they are both adjusting well. Josh keeps busy with his work. I haven’t quite figured out if it’s him or just the nature of church work, but there never really seems to be a weekend, and the days can start to feel like they’re blurring together. We have always lived at the same place where his job is, which I’m sure has something to do with it too. It’s something I’m just used to now.
He’s been grocery shopping for me again ever since that crazy game. If I continue feeling as good as I’ve felt lately, I could probably pick it back up again next week. I’ve spent several hours my life over the past two weeks trying to write book reviews for my goodreads account. I’ve read probably 30+books this year that I haven’t recorded, all because I want to write a book review for them. But even that is proving to be perhaps not the most fruitful use of my time. I will end up not publishing anything because I am never quite happy enough with what I come up with, and don’t want to just throw something out there. Then I don’t like that I take so much in, but don’t produce anything in terms of output.
I’ve told God that it’s okay, that I don’t need to write now. I can wait until the kids are older, until I’m a little less pulled in all my different directions. I pray and ask God for a place to write, sometimes forgetting that there is nothing stopping me from writing here. I recently finished reading the apocryphal book of Tobit, which was mentioned in another book I was reading about the dark night of the soul. One of the characters, Tobias, is guided by the archangel Raphael on trip to meet a woman who is oppressed by a demon. The demon has killed seven of her husbands, all on her wedding night. Tobias ends up needing to burn a fish heart in order to free his future bride from the demon. This was supposedly symbolic of burning away the heart’s attachments, so that the heart is free from all that hinders it from love.
I know the attachments have been worked on this year. In many ways it feels like I’m having to let go of what’s no longer serving me, whether it’s mindsets or behaviors or ideas or memories. I’ve also had to let go of the things I have not been able to let go off, because they are more than just attached, they are part of who I am. And it’s had to occur to me that maybe some things about me aren’t meant to be changed. There are certain things I just can’t fight anymore, and I have to wonder why, through all this time, have I tried to?