Still

I asked if he’d disown me if I wore sweatpants to the track meet. I don’t remember what he said, but it was something that communicated to me in a quick and believable way that he wouldn’t. We were on our way out the door, and I was readying myself at the last minute making sure I was wearing the proper apparel for the weather. I layered up, with my black leggings underneath, and my grey sweatpants on top for added warmth.

My choices were limited. I could wear jeans as my outer layer and look normal, or I could wear sweatpants as my outer layer and still look just as normal. The difference would come in how comfortable I’d be. This prolonged period of inactivity is showing itself on the bathroom scale. I’m hoping to go shopping this afternoon with the goal of finding some clothes that fit better while also conforming with society’s public fashion standards.

Our friends are still separated. There was a time when I thought that a marriage in crisis was the equivalent of a medical emergency, that the marriage itself was the thing that was needing to be targeted, restored, and worked on. URGENT URGENT URGENT. LETS GO THIS NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH NOW SOMEBODY NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING.

I’m not sure how many others would agree with this, but something I came across last year while reading was the saying that God does not care more about the marriage than he does about the people in it. I tend to think there is merit to this. She was specifically referring to Christian marriages, where we uphold and care about the institution of marriage as something God ordained as right and good, something holy to be preserved at all costs.

There’s still some kind of tearing, shredding, violent tragedy going on. This goes beyond what human doctors, human lawyers, human therapists for children and grown-ups can repair or revive. I think this is the part where I’m supposed to turn my eyes back to the cross, where the Lord, in one death, somehow makes these situations redeemable. I tend now to think that whether it’s a marriage in sickness, health, near death, or recovery, that God remains dedicated to the good and flourishing of all involved.

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