“But as for me the nearness of God is my good…”
My grandma and aunt are flying out tomorrow morning. I talked to my mom the other day and heard from her a little bit more of the story. I’m also wishing I’d never brought this particular story up here. I’d already told my sister that I didn’t have it in me to hear any more stories. My personal role in the family confusions has changed from being the one to call and say, “Tell me everything”, to being the person who had plenty of things to say myself, to this time, where I oddly felt numb and without desire or words to speak or strength to listen. It wasn’t a place I wanted to stay in long. I neither have it in me anymore to be too upset at anyone for any prolonged amounts of time.
I keep wanting to talk more about my personal experiences with anger here, but can’t seem to feel right about most of the words I try and use to do it. They say that underneath anger are more vulnerable emotions. Hurt, disappointment, and sadness often coincide with anger. At least when I feel it, and hear others describe it, disappointment often sounds like such a petty emotion. Judging emotions is often easier than admitting or feeling them. I’m newly still learning how to live in that tension of not dismissing or denying the disappointments of life, but also holding space for the things that went well, and unexpectedly so, in ways you couldn’t have thought up on your own.
This is also where I’m at. I feel like those crossroad moments are more recognizable. The crossroad moments are when we’re simply going along and an opportunity presents itself to choose the old way or a new way. The wonderful thing about time going on, is that we often have chances to make different choices than the ones we made before. We are given new hearts, and slowly given minds transformed by God for different patterns. God does not change. To this very day, as he did in former times, God sets before us life and death. Turn the page and you’ll find the word is very near to us, in our mouths and in our hearts, filling us ever deeply with a love that surpasses knowledge.