I generally try to not write when I feel like this but I did not follow that particular rule this time. I just have not been myself and have felt horrendously depressed and more emotional for days. The waterfall of tears keeps coming and it’s like sometimes they’re holy and sometimes they’re not, like it’s this combination of just ruthlessly saying whatever I want and then later regretting it, and trying to find my way back to sanity.

People with cancer will endure the chemotherapy because they have the willingness to trade temporary discomfort and hardship for the chance that the hell they will go through will give them a second chance at life. Yes we are wired to avoid pain and discomfort, but given a higher cause and a noble reason, we will choose to endure pain and even knowingly walk into it if it means somehow, somewhere, God can make it clear again.

That analogy falls apart when the chemotherapy ends up killing people. In one case chemo was a healing agent, and in another it was the opposite. So I don’t know sometimes when the human will is submitting to something it doesn’t need to submit to, or when I’m just foolishly believing that the killing agent is going to heal me. Like I don’t even know what this is, or why I keep believing that God is sealing up my heart.