I’m rethinking a couple’s session where the guy was falling apart and using words like “anguish”. It really makes the concept of being secure make more sense. But how do you explain that to somebody, and even more so, how do you help someone start to become more secure? In other sessions when I’ve tried to describe it I’ve used words like “being secure means that you know it in your heart”. What did the one today need to know? Something like, “I’m okay. I’m not bad.”

So if I could go back I wish I could say something like, “Let’s try to find something sure to go back to. What truth can each of you return to during times when you feel this hopelessness and despair?” About themselves. About their relationship. And then they can practice remembering and returning to those truths. Instead I ended up giving two takeaways. The first was being able to mutually hold each other’s pain. To grow their capacity to sit with the other’s feelings without it being so personal.

The other was to find those little things like he had mentioned, the hug from her that felt amazing. Or for her, the family time. Being secure helps when it comes to dropping defensiveness. You don’t have to fight to be fill-in-the-blank because you can know in your heart that it’s true. In this case, these people truly are dear and loved.