My bank ledger keeps showing payments for WordPress renewals. It’s the time of year when all of those renew automatically unless for some reason the card on file has changed due to expiration or fraud alerts that lead to the issuing of new cards. I thought of this because I am struggling with feeling like there is nothing to write. Nothing that is appropriate or proper for where I find myself.

One of the worst things in writing is when I feel like I cannot truly be honest. About how heartbroken, miserable, or unhappy I am and how much I long for a world where I no longer have to pretend or push through. I will just be happy because there is nothing else that can be had or felt in this place that I have heard so much about but never fully experienced.

Sometimes life just seems like way too much to hold onto. I don’t mean taking my own life but more like being okay with dying. I was following an Instagram mom who recently died of stage four cancer. I just keep thinking, “What the heck?? Why??” It seems like such a waste of powers. No one in this life matters. It’s like that is what God is trying to get us to say, and then actually live by those promises.