“You comin’?, he asked me. “Yeah, I said, wondering what time it was, “what time do you want to leave?” It was 5:38 and he wanted to leave at 5:45. “Well, go get dressed”, he said. I’d changed back into my green Christmas pajama pants. Elianna and I had been out earlier taking her shopping for shorts. We finally found some at Kohl’s and then went to McAllister’s for lunch, which is where we occasionally go when out.

The oppressive sleepiness that comes in the spring has returned, at least it showed up for me today. I took a nap this afternoon and felt better. I came back out to the couch and read for a while. While doing so he’d come and sat down on the other side of the couch next to me. I love when he does that. They say you’re supposed to express to husbands when they’re doing something you like. “This makes me happy”, I said.

Not long after I thought maybe I should’ve been more specific and not had it be so much about me, something more like, “I love it when you sit down and relax, when we can just be and enjoy the other person’s company.” But I said what I said. I kept on reading and he Facebooked for a time before closing the computer and falling asleep. His mom gave us their old living room couch and ottoman and they’re so much nicer.

The old one made my his crooked unless I was sitting exactly in between the cushions. The boys had broken the pull out bed that was with it and so that didn’t hasn’t worked right either for a while. But this was one also has a pullout couch that isn’t broken. we drove to church and it was soup night for the Lenten meal. I wasn’t terribly hungry, still being full from my sandwich at lunchtime. They gave us a container of some leftovers.

Dad had to leave to get dressed and ready. After church I spoke to the woman behind me and we chit chatted as we occasionally do. Her son and his family would be coming in for Easter, so she had cleaning to do. Not understanding, I asked, “You mean you still have to clean when it’s only the two of you?” She laughed, and said “Oh yes”. I guess there is a lot of dust still. I told her I’d be happy to come over and help. She laughed.

We celebrated my daughter’s 17th birthday this evening. Her birthday was actually yesterday, but there were things going on. She and Dad were driving home from Nebraska after taking Ethan back on Sunday. One of her birthday presents was going to see Dune in the Ravoli theater in Seward, which they did Sunday night. The boys and I were pretty much bums and hung out.

They wanted to stay up all night, and hounded me again until I forcefully said “Fine!” They’ve lived a different life with me and that hardly ever happens where I get exasperated or impatient. But when it does they’re not happy because they want me to be happy when I say yes, not mad at them somehow. I don’t remember what was said but we eventually worked it out.

I woke up to the sound of minor discord around 1:30. I went downstairs and they were playing their computer games. One was upset about something and I said, “Alright, it’s time for bed.” They didn’t fight me about it and they all settled down in different places in the school room. They slept in until about 9 or even later. All of the rest of the kids are on spring break this week.

We went out to run errands and drove through Chick-fil-A for lunch. We were home in tie to put up some decorations before Josh and Elianna were home around 2. That way we were at least acknowledging the birthday on the actual day. I had class that evening which was the main reason we weren’t doing it then. I called my mother-in-law to see if she wanted to come over on Tuesday.

She said yes and that my sister-in-law and brother-in-law and their girls were going to be in town too for their spring break. So they were all over tonight and it was fun. Our birthday songs were more robust with more singers. Dad and the boys worked on boiling more sap today. I went to the store and shopped for food and with joy and ease all pitched in with the food and cleaning.

The cabins all have Bible names. The girls cabins are Esther, Rebekah, Elizabeth, Hannah, Miriam, Sarah, Mary, Rachel, and Eve. There used to be a cabin Naomi but a tree fell on top of it and smashed it. The boys cabins are cabin Enoch, Solomon, Joshua, Jonathan, David, and Daniel. There used to be a cabin Stephen that was turned into a pavilion because the chimney was falling over so they tore it down.

Cabin Ruth is first aid. There used to be a lot more girl campers than boy campers. There still are usually more girls, but the ratio of boys and girls seems more even to me now. The worst was during square dancing when the girl counselors would usually have to be boys, so you would never get to actually dance with the real ones.

One cabin isn’t a Bible name. It’s cabin Sasse which is actually the nicest boys cabin. It was built by the family of the maintenance man who used to work here. They wanted it named after him. The cabin that matches it, Eve, was supposed to be named after another family where the dad was the director for many years. But they didn’t want anything named after them. I like Sasse though. I wouldn’t change it.

God, why has this not left?

It’s tearing me up

Not because I’m not happy

But because I still want

What you will never take away

Your turning over

Our forever expansion

My eternal muse

She startled me when I came up the stairs. I saw her standing outside the door, bent over petting the cat. I’d told the boys we had to clean. I rested for about a half hour and gave them tasks to work on in the meantime. Tidy the shoes. Sweep the mudroom and kitchen. Empty both of the downstairs dehumidifiers. Vacuum the school room. One even cleaned the bathroom without me having to ask.

I opened the door for her, not sure how long she had been there. She said she was trying to not let Dipstick inside. He still hangs out close by the front. He’s also had two recent abscesses near his tail. One recently healed and now there is another one. We still need to take him into the vet soon anyway, I just have not gotten around to doing that. She came inside and I told her the boys were downstairs.

Dad and I drove into town to pick up the pizzas. This whole thing has me wondering how involved we’re supposed to be. I would love to be the one giving all the advice. Asking, “What are you going to do?” You should take her on a walk, down to main camp where the lights are. I suppose there’s room for some of that, but then thought too, that so much of what’s special is going on your own journey.

Sometimes I torture myself, and apparently others, by playing Phil Collins songs on repeat. Torture is probably too strong of a word but one of the boys did ask how many weeks I’d been playing it. I know it hasn’t been that long and there are definitely other songs I’ve rotated. I did something I hardly ever do, I actually don’t think I’ve ever done this. I told him if he didn’t like it he was more than welcome to go somewhere else.

It was one of those, “Well that escalated quickly” situations. There was nothing escalated about it. He looked a little surprised, but I wasn’t mad, and he didn’t seem to be either. In fact, we both then kind of laughed wondering what that was all about. I was on the couch and he was on the chair trying to write a conclusion. I’m not sure what’s going on with school but everyone needs help with their homework lately.

“Mom? You gonna be on there most of the night?”, referring to one of three laptops we share, especially in the evenings when they’re in high demand. Another one texts to communicate, another is waiting for Dad, who came home and told me one of the cooks called and said the debit card wasn’t working. The boys are back upstairs, and there’s nothing more. I tell him no, I won’t be long. All I’ve got to do is write this down.

We went to church in Auburn tonight. The youth were in charge of the Lenten meal and helping to lead certain parts of the service. Josh was asked to come and talk about camp after church. Dad and the boys and I left around 5 to pick up Elianna from the track at the old high school. Ethan was there helping with baseball practice. They have a sweet little church community there.

I had so much to say earlier but now just don’t have the energy to write any of it out. All day long I have wanted to write but did not have a good stretch of time to do so. This morning Ethan and I went and visited Jeremiah’s grave. I was not expecting it to still be unmarked. The cemetery is huge and we wouldn’t have found the site at all had it not been for the cemetery office that gave us a name map.

The boys had piano practice today. We came home from that and I laid down before it was time to leave for church. One of the boys has a social studies project he’s working on where he has to make a travel brochure for a South American country. His is Columbia. I said I would help him but he’d have to come in our room. I had more energy again today so I was thankful for that.

It rained this morning. I like when the windows are open at night when it’s raining like it also was last night. Tim did something to the outside of the house to where he rerouted the gutter so the water wasn’t just pooling outside of the boys room. He dug a trench and buried tubing so that the water drains into the woods. We lost power for a few hours the other night because the winds snapped a power line.

It is a little weird having a child come home who’s been gone for a while. Not in a bad way, just that you’ve adjusted and things have changed since they left. Even in two months the dishes system was different. I still have pangs of sharper emotion following exchanges where feel again I’m living in this new different. Sunday he asked to go to Laura’s after church and planned to spend the rest of the day there.

It’s happened every time he’s come home so far, where something hurts from the scab of his leaving getting scraped off. But like I said, I am at peace and feel that too, and of course I am always glad when he’s home. The high school was having a fundraiser tonight selling chicken dinners. Josh had ordered eight of them, so we had one extra that was split amongst the dinner eaters. It was a nice meal shared.

The three older kids went to school today. He has to shadow a teacher over break for one of his classes. His major is Mathematics. They left this morning and didn’t get home until around 5:30, the usual time once track practice starts. My other son is trying track to see how he likes it and he came home having done something to his hip. Dad and I drove the younger boys to school together then stopped by Hae’s.

I’m starting to feel better again but still didn’t do much. I was mostly in bed again. Whatever this latest recurrence is has really been a more prolonged one. The walks I was going on were 100% motivated by wanting to look a certain way. So was the beginners weight workout that I only did once because I didn’t think it wise to do again. I’m just going to have to get over all that. I know where those ideas come from.

The spring intensive started today and I’m really glad to not be taking it. I told Josh I was going to do my own intensive researching things about PMDD and GABA neurotransmitters. We had a nice dinner tonight as a family. Dad had the kids do their reading time and then skill time. One of the boys made a sign for the outside of the house. He didn’t think the letters looked very nice but I thought it was great.

I called and talked to my mom today. I usually call her when I’m needing to talk through something important and I’m seeking advice or a second opinion. Somewhere in the conversation she pushed back a little when I used the phrase about something not being normal. “Where did you get that idea from?”, she asked. I at first thought she was meaning something more like how Jesus said that in this life there will be trouble.

And she kind of was. “But”, I said, that doesn’t mean we just don’t do anything to help ourselves or ask for help if there is some sort of way to potentially get it. Her point was it was normal to be dealing with something. There is the woman at church with degenerative, and at times debilitating, Meniere’s disease. And the woman who suffers from chronic migraines. And the man who needed surgery for his kidney problems.

How many more do we not even know of? It’s baffling to think about. And even though I know that human life is riddled with way more than even the multitude of physical problems, you just don’t always see those things. But they are out there. We reviewed the handful of things that I have known to have been helpful for me in the past, and she encouraged me to be consistent with those things, those basic things. I agreed to that.